I have a predicament. I have never in my life worn woman's clothing. Ever. I know...

I'm pre-transition. Pre-therapy, pre-everything. I WANT to wear proper clothes, and at least try dressing, putting on makeup and the like. I really want to do this. It might make me feel good. It could be very affirming, and I think it'll help me find if I'm truly trans or not (I've talked a lot about my many doubts) whilst I wait to see about therapy.

The thing is, I'm closeted, and not at all confident in my gender identity. I DON'T want to come out of the closet until I'm 110% certain that yes, this is what is best for me. I live with four, college-aged guys. I am not going to risk coming out to them so I could dress when there's still some doubt and it could all be something else or in my head. I simply cannot afford to do that, especially when I expect that they'll react badly. I don't know anybody who would be okay with it, actually. I don't have any "private" place to go to try dressing.

I'm really not sure what to do. At the moment, all I can really think of is that I can have a small stash of girl clothes that I will keep secret, and that I can wear for very short periods in private. I wouldn't be able to put on makeup, or anything that'd be harder to hide than that. I find that somewhat unsatisfying though.

Alright, so I think there are several things you could do in this situation to try and relieve some of your dysphoria and also help you figure out what you want exactly.

1) Do you have your own private room in the place you share? If so, you can just keep the stuff hidden in your room and dress up on your own when they aren't around or if you can lock your door do that. If you share a room with someone else, then you would need to know for certain that they wouldn't be around to catch you.

2) If that's not a possibility for some reason, do these guys seem like the accepting type? Have you guys been good friends for a while, or is it simply roommates type of thing?

3) Do you have any close girlfriends? I understand you don't want to come out completely but if you know someone you really trust, you could always be honest with them and tell them you aren't 100% sure and you just want to experiment essentially. If so, maybe consider "coming out" to one of them that you trust and tell her your dilemma. My guess if you do that, then she would be more than likely willing to help you dress up like a girl. (I say this from my own experience).

4) If some reason none of those options work at all, then you may have to wait until your lease with them expires and then reconsider your living situation because it does matter for both privacy and safety. I had a roommate in the same room and I had to be extremely careful, so I understand how frustrating this can be.

I don't know if any of this can help, but my strongest recommendation would be to confide in a girlfriend that you really really trust and that would be a good outlet for you to start I would think, but this is just what I would do if I was in that situation and it is what I did when I was there. I'm also a college student, so I understand the dilemma of telling college guys and the fear that comes with that. I wish you the best of luck and don't be afraid to ask more questions, we all want to help!

Emma

Thank you for responding. I appreciate the help, I really do. This can be so frustrating.

1. I don't have a room to my own. I share it with somebody else, I'm afraid. I do have some times when I'm totally alone. It's just hard to predict when that will be.

2. Some of these guys I've been friends with all my life. My room mate is my oldest and among my closest friends. Lots of reasons I don't want to tell though. It's just a huge risk. In general, I'd want to be surer of myself before I told. Worst case scenarios: either they reject me or freak out and cause me a lot of pain, and/or I find that this isn't actually what I want and have to deal with that embarrassment.

3. No, I'm afraid not. The only close female acquaintance of mine is intensely transphobic, as I've come to learn.

4. That will be at the end of this year. I'm not sure if I want to wait that long.

Well I can definitely see your dilemma then. I've come to learn that friends are people who will support you no matter what, regardless and they should accept you and allow you to be completely yourself 100%. If they don't allow you to be that, then they aren't really your friends to be honest. I definitely can see why you would be nervous about telling them because it is a huge risk, but like I said before; if they are true friends and family then they will accept you and love you still for who you are, but it may take them a while to.

Well then I think a really cool thing for you to do is to try to make some more female friends. If you come off as a straight male like I do, then it can be hard sometimes because they think you're hitting on them, but if you compliment their shirt or something, what's the harm? I've met some good friends and I wouldn't be their friend unless I did that, it's as simple as saying "Cute scarf, where did you get that?", and if for some reason, they don't want to talk to you, then they go their own way and you never see them again. I would definitely try to do that and make some girlfriends because it is a tremendous amount of help I've learned. I'm really sorry to hear that your friend is transphobic, that's not someone I would want to be around personally regardless if I was transitioning or not.

Quote from: EmmaS on February 25, 2013, 09:32:30 PM
Well I can definitely see your dilemma then. I've come to learn that friends are people who will support you no matter what, regardless and they should accept you and allow you to be completely yourself 100%. If they don't allow you to be that, then they aren't really your friends to be honest. I definitely can see why you would be nervous about telling them because it is a huge risk, but like I said before; if they are true friends and family then they will accept you and love you still for who you are, but it may take them a while to.

Well then I think a really cool thing for you to do is to try to make some more female friends. If you come off as a straight male like I do, then it can be hard sometimes because they think you're hitting on them, but if you compliment their shirt or something, what's the harm? I've met some good friends and I wouldn't be their friend unless I did that, it's as simple as saying "Cute scarf, where did you get that?", and if for some reason, they don't want to talk to you, then they go their own way and you never see them again. I would definitely try to do that and make some girlfriends because it is a tremendous amount of help I've learned. I'm really sorry to hear that your friend is transphobic, that's not someone I would want to be around personally regardless if I was transitioning or not.

My school is overwhelmingly male. I've heard it's a 7-1 ratio. That seems exaggerated, but it really is quite a discrepancy. Tech school.

I also don't ACTUALLY go to the school anymore. I just still live in the town where the school is and all my friends/house mates go for their education.

There are more reasons too, but I'll spare you the details. Basically, it's very unlikely that'll happen, especially if I keep living here. I don't really have a choice at the moment though. The only other think I could think of would be to move back in with my parents. I'm out to my mom, but she doesn't want me to transition.

Wow, the more I think about it the more I realize my situation sucks.

Well to me it seems like you aren't sure if you want to experiment even, which is okay, take your time with making any decisions. Transition isn't for everyone and it isn't a race. For me, it was difficult to experiment and I had a really hard time making girlfriends as a male, but when I finally decided that I had to see, I did whatever I had to at that point. It's not easy and it isn't going to get easier any time soon but eventually everything will make sense, just make sure no matter what you are honest with yourself because that is what matters.

Quote from: EmmaS on February 25, 2013, 10:09:56 PM
Well to me it seems like you aren't sure if you want to experiment even, which is okay, take your time with making any decisions. Transition isn't for everyone and it isn't a race. For me, it was difficult to experiment and I had a really hard time making girlfriends as a male, but when I finally decided that I had to see, I did whatever I had to at that point. It's not easy and it isn't going to get easier any time soon but eventually everything will make sense, just make sure no matter what you are honest with yourself because that is what matters.

I just cannot afford the consequences.

TBH, you are in a pretty bad spot. If you don't have any privacy, or enough clothes and makeup, and don't have years of practice, you're probably going to be very limited and frustrated in what you can and can't do. It was always very difficult when I had roommates, and I remember being terrified if they ever discovered anything. I guess I just waited until I had the apt to myself when they went home for vacation or holidays before I did anything. I don't know where you live, but there are places that are safe to go and will have clothes and makeovers and things like that. I did that once. You might have to travel and pay a bit, but if you've never done it before and have access, I'd so that might be a good place to start.

What should I do? Should I think about just coming out, and having to deal with the consequences? My situation isn't going to get better. I've waited for years. I've had gender issues for years now, and I'm waiting for things to get better, or for it to be safer for me to figure myself out, but it's just not happening, and it just isn't going to happen. My one chance (to safely deal with this without risking my whole life basically) I lost.

I don't want to be a guy. I really don't.

Are you seeing a gender therapist? I would highly recommend it if not, it can help a lot.

Quote from: EmmaS on February 25, 2013, 11:10:31 PM
Are you seeing a gender therapist? I would highly recommend it if not, it can help a lot.

No. That's what I'm trying to figure out now: how to do that. 

If you're not 100 percent certain, don't come out. That being said, it sounds like you have some pretty close friends that you have known for a long time, but that they will reject you if you come out. That's a tough situation and one I've been in. I never came out and the people drifted away a couple years ago in my late 20s. Most people do. So, my advice to you is once you know for certain and know you are going to transition, move out. Don't tell them. I know most place I high premium on coming out, but I really don't think it is ever necessary except for your family. No one has a right to know. This is cis thing and a common theme I hear about fooling people. You get one life (as far as I know); live out for you. You'll make other better friends. I know this from experience too. God, I sound so old.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on February 26, 2013, 01:57:53 PM
If you're not 100 percent certain, don't come out. That being said, it sounds like you have some pretty close friends that you have known for a long time, but that they will reject you if you come out. That's a tough situation and one I've been in. I never came out and the people drifted away a couple years ago in my late 20s. Most people do. So, my advice to you is once you know for certain and know you are going to transition, move out. Don't tell them. I know most place I high premium on coming out, but I really don't think it is ever necessary except for your family. No one has a right to know. This is cis thing and a common theme I hear about fooling people. You get one life (as far as I know); live out for you. You'll make other better friends. I know this from experience too. God, I sound so old.

Yeah... I do want to try and make things happen soon. I might have to end up moving out, which is going to be hard. That seems to be about the only way I can see though. Thank you for responding.

I think you should talk to a gender therapist before moving out or doing anything rash though. You seem to be fairly sure it's what you want, but it wouldn't hurt to make sure, you know? You can find one by just looking it up on google in your area.