I have been wanting to post about this for weeks, but I couldn't quite figure out how to communicate what I meant....I couldn't even think of a less long winded title than the one I chose, so I'm sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever, and if I end up rambling

Now I'm sure the vast majority of people, trans* or not, have "ugly days" - where nothing seems to go right, their hair just won't behave, whatever

Whenever this happens to me and I start getting all depressed over my appearance, I try to tell myself that it's not possible that everything about me has changed over night and I've suddenly turned in to an ogre - I look exactly the same, I know this, so why some days can I look in the mirror and think "not too shabby, looking good" - while other days I think "holy cow, I am not leaving the house today, I'm disgusting"

In a general quest to boost my self confidence I've tried to pinpoint exactly what it is that makes me feel gross on those days, so if it's something easy like my clothes I could get rid of those clothes and bring those ugly days down to a minimum

What I've realised is that on the days when I feel crappy, it's not that I feel ugly....it's that I feel ugly for a woman

Some of you may be thinking "well duh, that's called dysphoria" but I don't think it is, personally I pretty much don't have any dysphoria any more - bar the very occasional moment. I barely think about my gender, I'm just a guy living my life (who happens to have large moobs that will need to be removed, as I imagine any cis guy in a similar situation would do)

It's more about other people's perception of my gender I think. If I could know for a fact that everyone around me was seeing me as a man I'm pretty sure I would never have ugly days. I'm not claiming to be the next Brad Pitt but you know, I'm pretty ok with how I look

But when I am around people who know my past, or just in general I'll have paranoid moments where I'm convinced every stranger is looking at me and seeing me as a woman I get super self conscious....of things that I actually like about myself. It's like, other people ruin it for me, and they don't even have to say anything.

For example my facial hair, I look in the mirror at that and I'm like "hell yeah check out my 'tash! coming along nicely!" - then ten minutes later the postman could knock and I'll have to answer the door without a binder on, blowing my chances of getting read as male - and my mood changes to "omg how embarrassing I have so much hair on my face"

I guess the not so subtle messages women get from media/friends/family/everywhere that they have to look a certain way is still ingrained in me which I find weird because I think it's all a load of crap - how can I not believe in something yet still have it affect me?

Can anyone relate or understand what I'm talking about at all? 

Bug Hugggs and yes. All of it.

I completely understand. I can actually look at my face in the mirror, and with a great deal of brain energy, force myself to see a woman...and then shift perspective and see a man.

And I have those exact 'ugly days,' on which I have to take extra time to force myself to see 'guy' rather than 'girl.' Because I'm a pretty umm...interesting looking girl at this point. It doesn't help that I'm not sure how others are perceiving me most of the time. I figure that most people are reading me as a butch dyke, which is 100% opposite of my true self, but whatchya gonna do? As long as I can make the mental shift and see a dude, I feel pretty good.