Well, as usual, I've put the cart before the horse, and have made several posts already before having the courtesy of a formal introduction. My apologies, dear Gentlewomen and Gentlemen... it comes from a life of wearing my heart on the proverbial sleeve, and being passionate about all things.
Anyway, my name is Scott, and while being 'male identified' literally all of my life, (many long stories there, but I'll wait to bore 'ya all with those later), I've only officially started my transition in these last eight months.
Prior to that, I was a tomboy, then a "misguided" teenager, who quickly progressed to a butch leather dyke. Because of medical, family, and financial considerations, I was resigned to accept that identity for 25+ years, (not that I didn't enjoy that mind you – it was as close to my "natural state" as possible for me, at the time).
I first thought about trying to change my body to match my real identity and mind set when I was in college, back in the 70's. But at that time, the only medically accepted way was to commit to a whole surgical and psychological regimen, which I recognized as unacceptable, both financially and in terms of what I needed/wanted.
It wasn't until the 90's, when cultural mores started changing, forcing the medical community to recognize that you could be FTM without wanting or needing surgical reconstruction (or destruction, as it might be more adequately put in some cases). While I was glad to see the change in options, it still wasn't a viable thing for me personally, because of my family and lover. I felt as though I had to continue living as a butch dyke, openly identified, but not taking that final step, as it was just 'too late' in life to change.
This galled me inside though, since I'd always preached about the hatefulness of closets - and I felt I really was in a self-imposed closet, by not making the choice to transition. It just didn't seem to be an option for me though, even while I loved seeing so many other folks going through the transition.
It wasn't until after both of my parents had passed, and my partner of then 16 years and I attended Gender Odyssey 06, an FTM Conference in Seattle WA, as vendors, that I came to the realization that I really had to do this. It really wasn't late in life to do what I'd long needed to do after all.
While she's still uncomfortable with referring to me as Scott, it was ironically my partners own statements that made me realize that she'd come to a point, where, (consciously or sub-consciously) she could possibly accept this. It was her idea to attend the conference, and her reaction to other FTM's was very positive; it was like a wakening to me. I realized that she really could possibly accept such a change, and that her feelings had been my last (and now only) barrier to making the decision as to how I wanted to live my life.
So at this point, I'm pretty much free-lancing it, without any 'official' therapy or support groups. Yet, I've many friends that are supportive, including ones that have known many other transgendered friends; I'm in contact with a few other FTM's; and am well aquatinted with the many issues surrounding my transition.
I'm also lucky to work for a company that supports a diverse work force, and am totally 'out' at work. The change from my female identity to being myself as a man has been quite interesting, and still has issues with awkward pro-nouns from my co-workers, but is very positive in all. While I may be late in life in terms of making this transition, there's nothing like making the change in front of 800+ people, in a very visible management position, to make it a quick reality.
I've never felt freer, or more natural in so many ways. Of course, after 45+ years of cultural assimilation, it's still a learning process to me, and one that I could use some help in taking in. Almost daily, I make at least one interesting observation about the cultural gender differences that I'd never realized before.
But because of this semi-isolation, I've been actively seeking support methods that don't involve 'Support group meetings' or weekly sessions with a high-paid therapist (which I really don't think is needed after this many years of knowing what I wanted!). So I find an on-line community like this potentially very valuable - I'm a highly opinionated type, but well versed in real life experience and community activism, so hopefully have a little experience to back up my thoughts.
I'm particularly frustrated in finding many Transmen locally that I can talk with about the various issues, questions, and issues that I'm experiencing. Also, to be blunt, I'd like to be able to talk to and/or meet other Transmen that I can relate to on a more sexual basis. There are many aspects of my sexuality coming up now that I've never dealt with before, or don't know how to talk about with my partner.
Anyway, thank you all for being here and contributing to a space where folks can come together and ask questions, get information, and just generally relate to each other as human beings. (Oh, and did I warn you, that I'm a verbose little critter!?!) ;-)
Sincerely,
Scott Mallard Huber
(Mallard500)
