Hello all
I came out recently and I've been looking for support groups locally under recommendation from my psychiatrist, but was unable to find one for over a hundred miles. I found Susan's place as I was using google to research the effects of taking estrogen's in the near future and what I've seen here thus far here is just great. I hope we can all be good friends.
My story started out when I was fairly young and I was always endlessly fascinated with the special dresses and outfits the girls always got to wear in contrast to the comparably drab outfits boys such as myself were expected to wear. At the time I didn't know what I was and figured every boy had thoughts like that and thought nothing of it. As years passed I found myself always picturing myself as a girl with my imagination when going on my little adventures, which spilled into my gaming. In hindsight I think I must have had a detachment from reality as one day when I found WoW I rolled a female character and began passing as such. There was no sense of hoping to get better treatment and/or gifts from other players, as far as I was concerned I was just being myself and I had never felt so comfortable and happy.
In time I had amassed a good group of friends, one of whom I fell in love with and against my better judgment, confessed to him my mutual feelings when I could tell he sorely wanted to be with me. But he didn't know the truth. And the longer we were together and the happier we became, the harder it became to tell him. We were happy for quite a while... nearly two years. But he always kept pushing for more, wanting to talk on the phone, meeting irl ect that I knew I couldn't accommodate. In time I could see he was putting his love life on hold holding out for something greater I could never give. I was hurting him. So, fully well expecting it would be the end of our love and friendship forever, I grit my teeth and did the single hardest thing I had ever done; I sat him down and told him everything. He was absolutely devastated. I broke two hearts that day. He left me and rightfully so, I was left with nothing but a broken heart and a shattered world that was spinning. That lead me to more closely exam why I felt the need to tell everyone I was a girl for so long.
It's strange... It was a persona so absolutely comfortable and welcoming to me that it never even occurred to be to say or tell anyone any different. I knew then that other guys didn't have the thoughts or feelings I did any more. In the back of my mind, I kind of knew... but I think I had been in denial about it for a very long time and it required a bitterly painful moment to make me seriously start asking the hard questions in earnest. I came to the realization I had the heart and mind of a sweet, loving woman but the body of something entirely different, and I had to do something about it. I began telling online friends and began to get more comfortable with the idea. Of the ones still talking to me after owning up to my lie of a few years were more supportive than I felt I had a right to. It took a couple years for me to be ready enough to tell my mother but I finally did a couple months ago and it has been with her support I've gathered the strength together to tell my psychiatrist and general practice doctor and now am waiting for them to find the right specialist for me as they collaborate together for some solutions.
I've been through a lot of confusion, heart break and more pain to bear than I ever knew existed. But I'm trying at last to find the real me.
To be blunt, I'm not sure I'm strong enough... But I'm going to try. And maybe with all of your help and understanding, I might just muster enough courage to make my inner self a reality for all to see.
