I know it's highly irregular for someone with more than a thousand posts to post an introduction. Since I missed doing this when I first joined (I was too clueless even to find the introduction forum back then), I hope it's OK.
I'm now comfortable enough with the name I've selected, that I'm ready to introduce myself to the world.
I will be Susan Alexandra.
Since Susan is kind of formal, I will be Suzi for day to day contact. I live in Maryland (abbr. Md.), so I'm changing my screen name to suzifrommd.
No, I didn't name myself after the wonderful founder of this site. I've liked the name Susan since I was a kid, it's always had kind of an energy for me. So when I set about naming myself, it was the first name that popped up and easily outshone all other comers.
I chose Alexandra because it sort of resembles my birth name, Andrew, so there's some continuity there.
For those who haven't followed my story, I first joined this site thinking I was androgyne, but now I realize that the male parts of my identity are byproducts of my living my 51 years as a man and from having a male body. I am female at the core. When I asked myself how I would feel if I was never allowed to be male again, I knew I could deal with it, but when I asked myself how I would feel if I would never be allowed to be female, I knew it would feel like a piece of me was cut off.
So I'm planning this summer to start living full time as a woman. I'm a high school teacher with my own two children attending the school where I work (though my son graduates this June), so this is going to be complicated.
Despite all that, I have to admit that I have a way to go before I feel like a woman. I still find myself often using a male pronoun for myself and am comfortable acting in male ways (though I love when I am given the freedom to act female). One of the reasons why it took 51 years to realize I am a woman is that I always imagined transgender women would "feel like women." A lot of us do, but for me, a female identity is much more complicated – fascination with female media, dress, and appearance, feeling more comfortable in the presence of females, and wanting, in the worst way, to have a female body. I hope that once I start living full time it will become easier to see myself as a woman, but if it does not, I will settle for pretending. Infinitely better than continuing to live as a man.
Thank you so much to every member of the Susan's community for all your continued support. I would not have the courage or knowledge to transition without you. I'm going to need all of you in the months to come!
Love to all,
Suzi
