My story is a-typical.

I didn't know at the time, but looking back I can see signs that show I'm not making it up now.

I was a tomboy as a kid, and I was happy because my mum let me wear whatever I wanted, climb trees, play sports etc. I remember as a child when I played imaginary games I would always choose gender neutral names, like Charlie or Sam, and I wanted people to not be able to tell that I was a girl. I wanted them to think I was a boy. I would pretend in my head that at school teachers thought I was a boy. I never told anyone this.

But my upbringing was Christian. When I hit puberty and started liking guys and girls, that was what preoccupied my thoughts. I hadn't even known it was possible to be gay (my primary school sex ed taught me that lesbians were women who shared a flat). I spent the first few years of high school questioning my sexuality.

Looking back over that time, the way I dressed and how I felt about my body all showed that I a) wasn't comfortable being feminine and b) wasn't comfortable with the changes that were happening. Breasts and periods and all that ->-bleeped-<-. I got depressed and anxious, particularly around my period (but more so than 'normal', I was suicidal). Then I developed eating problems. I knew my breasts would shrink if I lost enough weight so I starved myself. I started identifying as gender fluid because I knew something wasn't right, I knew I didn't feel like a woman and looking in the mirror, being on my period and being seen as female made me want to kill myself.

My mum started policing how I dressed. She thought that I felt depressed and upset over my body because of low self esteem, and weight problems, but instead of talking to me about them and finding out what caused them, she made me dress in girly clothes and wear make up. She still tries to do that. She thinks it will make me happier, but obviously it makes everything worse. But because of that I started trying to fit in, to make people happy. I wore loads of make up and dresses and skirts and I felt terrible.

I attempted suicide in 2011. After that I began exploring my gender more thoroughly. I've come to realise that what I called gender fluid isn't actually gender fluid at all. I am not supposed to be a female. My body is supposed to be male. My identity is male/androgynous, but my sex is supposed to be male. I'm just coming to terms with that now. I'm 18 now, so my story isn't completely a-typical. I'm still young. But I certainly didn't 'always know', at least not consciously.

I supposed mine is atypical as well...

I think I was always trans, I just didn't have a name for it, and some things I did were wicked girly and I still like some girly things, but that's because I wasn't socialized into not liking them. As I got older, I never really heard much about FTMs, only MTFs and even then I didn't hear of any "successful" transition -- only the Jerry Springer types that were mocked by mainstream society and were dressed up like Las Vegas showgirls with a five o'clock shadow. Since I didn't know how sucessful transitions could be and since I didn't really have internet access to discover this, I just sort of pushed the idea out of my head thinking I'd just have to be butch forever or just suck it up and be female. So, I sucked it up and went female, and it didn't quite work out.

Zythera posted a nice link in the opinions and editorial section today that I think would go well with this topic, since it discusses "nontypical" trans people: http://www.bilerico.com/2013/03/the_pathologization_of_trans_identity.php

Quote from: LearnedHand on March 06, 2013, 05:39:01 PM
I still like some girly things, but that's because I wasn't socialized into not liking them.

I think this explains some parts of me as well. Most of my so-called 'feminine' personality traits are more likely the result of the absence of male conditioning rather than anything innately feminine. I mean, I say 'aww' and it's just that there is no other expression that correctly conveys the experience of 'aww'. I started saying it and other stuff in attempt to get girls to befriend me and since there was no opposition as a girl to expressing that...

Quote
Zythera posted a nice link in the opinions and editorial section today that I think would go well with this topic, since it discusses "nontypical" trans people: http://www.bilerico.com/2013/03/the_pathologization_of_trans_identity.php

As far as the link, I suppose I'm nontypical in that I probably wouldn't have bottom surgery if there were a fairy godmother involved and I was paid a million dollars. I felt strongly about everything else though. I had to transition, have top surgery, take T, etc.

Quote from: Not-so Fat Admin on March 06, 2013, 07:20:38 PM

As far as the link, I suppose I'm nontypical in that I probably wouldn't have bottom surgery if there were a fairy godmother involved and I was paid a million dollars. I felt strongly about everything else though. I had to transition, have top surgery, take T, etc.

I do really want top surgery and would love a deeper voice and some more hair, but overall I don't seem to be "typical" as in my bodily dysphoria doesn't seem as bad as what a lot of the other people on this FTM part of Susan's seems to be. I think my boobs look like two giant alien eyeballs hanging off of me and I think about them a lot during the day, but I've never had the urge to want to kill myself because I thought they were so horrible on me, or because I hated my period that much. I would love to have a penis, it looks like its fun to have one, but I am not interested in bottom surgery. I guess I am fine being somewhere physically in between.

I think besides some bodily dysphoria as described above, I think most of my dysphoria is more of the social aspect as described in the article. I've always thought about gender roles in society, I think that's why I was originally going to major in Women's Studies, was in Feminist Union, and went to an all-female college for a year. I am really interested in women's rights/gender equality, both here in the US and abroad, and I think what fuels my interest (besides generally wanting equal rights for everyone no matter their race, gender, religion, etc.) is because I don't associate myself with the gender roles assigned to me and I think everyone should be free to choose their roles in society. There are some "motherly" aspects to me, but overall I've always wanted more of the "male" social roles and always felt disgust at being called "honey" and "sweetie" when I know people wouldn't say that to me if I was seen as male.

I still think I should have some medical transition, even if its just getting my tits chopped off, but I think I could be happy and fully satisfied with my physical and social self if I was flat chested and if people treated me as male even if I wasn't on T forever (or at all, though I do want to try it).

I guess that's atypical since it seems like a lot of people here on the board just want to go on T long-term and get chest surgery.

Edit to add: If I had naturally smaller boobs, I might just be fine binding forever, but binding isn't getting me smaller than like a c cup, so I see top surgery sometime in my future. Also edited some typos.