Hi,
I am new here also, been lurking for about or so wondering when I would finally feel able to post. On New years Eve of this year my husband came out to me that he wanted to start taking hormones. We have been together 20 years and have 5 kids, he has crossdressed in the bedroom only for our entire 20 years, I had no problem with it, even liked it most of the time to be honest, even though I consider myself completely hetero, even asked him quite a few times if he wanted to "be" a woman, answer was no. and now this, needless to say it has really upset me, and I am at a loss on how to handle this, I am struggling with so many mixed feelings and even though I am one of those who got informed as soon as possible, I am so scared of how this is going to effect my marriage to the person I love most in this world.
  I read on the forums about the effects of HRT and what will happen to him if he does this and I feel that even though I love him as a man I will no be able to love  him as a woman because that is just not in me. I can't eat and have not had a nights sleep without taking medication since that night, and feel so sick over this.
We are going to therapy, but I feel that I can't change who I am, he gives me the line, that it is only his body that is changing, but I would have to relate to him as a woman and I don't know if I can do that.
  I have been here to try to figure out if I can stay in this without losing my mind. He thinks that because I had no problem with his dressing I should have no problem with this, he is upset that I am feeling this way and says what should be a happy time for him will not because of me and that I need to look at the positive, whatever that is. Can you tell me as S/O's and wives what is the upside to sticking this out? and how did you cope with the changes, I keep imaging that every time something about him becomes more female , it will kill me a little more . sorry for the rambling, this is the first time I am letting this out, so many questions and no answers
Thanks

Welcome to Susans, we are happy you posted.

I don't blame you for being shocked, it is a major change for you.  Your husband needs to allow for your feelings too and you need to be honest about all your feelings when you meet with the therapist.  Crossdressing is not the same as transitioning.

Your husband needs to meet with a therapist to get a letter for hormones (self medication is very dangerous and not supported at this site) that usually takes around three months and even after your husband starts hormones it takes a while for any change (other than mental) to be noticed.  As you know, breasts do not grow over night.

Is your husband thinking about full transtion, including surgery?

Hi,
That is one of the reasons we are in therapy now, he wants his letter so he can do this as soon as possible, he feels that he has waited long enough ( he is 52 this year) he does not want to have surgery other than FFS,  which is in some way a relief, but from what I understand the HRT will pretty much kill our great sex life, and I don't want to live like that. He tells me this is his last chance to be pretty. ( he has always been a handsome guy, body builds and all ) freaks me out as I was thinking this was some mid-life crisis thing, but he told me he has felt like this his entire life. He said he never told me because he didn't think it was possible to do it so easily.
   Feels like I am in some kind of limbo, just waiting for the therapist to give him that letter. We have always had a strong bond and he really wants to stay together and so do I, but I can't seem to help the feelings I am having, I can't understand that this is a really a medical condition and he needs to do this, I get so angry with him sometimes that he has done this to our lives when everything else was perfect. even though I know he can't help it

Hi, welcome to Susan's Place! It's a bumpy road ahead for both of you. I'm single, so I'll refrain from offering marriage advice, but I just want you to know that everyone is here for you. There's a lot of collected wisdom here on the site.  And we know support like nobodys business!  Hugs, Devlyn

Well it won't be an easy road for either of you.  The one thing I do know is you Both need to keep the lines of communication open.  If either of you starts keeping too much to yourself it will lead to anger and frustration.

Keep talking and keep showing each other love.

Hi alsysgirl,

Welcome to our little family. Over 10396  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another SO.

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Janet 

Thanks for the reply's, and yep, I have read all the rules

I am trying to keep communicating, but what I find hard is I know he can't help it, just like if he got cancer, and I feel like I am always beating him down about it , it's not all about me  and he can't help this to some degree anyway.
And I don't want to him to feel like I am rejecting him, I flipped out one day in the car and said a lot of nasty things, ( I tend to have a temper when I can't handle something) and it crushed him, he understood why I did it, but hurt him none the less. somehow I need to get a grip on my feelings, that is why I  think  I reached out here, I have been here since early January and have found a lot of good in your posts, and most likely will be here daily, so thank you

Well, the advantage to sticking it out is that you get to stay with the person you've loved all this time. Only you can judge whether that is worth the pain and struggle of getting there (and I absolutely mean this without judgment - it was for me, but it will not be for everyone). There are people who find that their sexuality can be flexible enough to accommodate making *one* exception for a beloved partner who changes, but there are plenty of people who can't, too.  And HRT may in fact make him* unable to function in the bedroom as you would like, although it may not (the catch there may end up being whether he's willing to do so).

It is NOT that easy to adjust, and he needs to stop pushing you to be fine overnight. You can even tell him that doing so is counterproductive, because the more you feel like you "should" be OK instantly, the harder it will be for you to deal with the actual process. You are not responsible for his happiness, either, and he needs to stop guilt-tripping you about being *un*happy - that's a perfectly reasonable and normal response for you right now!

For now, and I remember myself what a fog of fear and depression and misery those first few months are, just be gentle with yourself and try not to worry too much about the distant future (if you can, I know it's easier said than done). Focus on coping with the immediate stuff, and so long as the answer to "do I want to leave right now" is no, keep trying to adapt. If that answer ever becomes yes, of course, you are well within your rights to head for the door. 

What I did a lot of the time was to give myself "permission" to cry and grieve for the loss of characteristics and other things that I had loved, and to remind myself that eventually this horrific period of constant change would have to be over. Yes, it'll be the same person; no, that doesn't mean you're shallow or weak or silly for caring intensely that external details about that person are changing. It's human nature. You're going to be angry, and hurt, and frantic, and a million other emotions, and the only real way out of all of that is through (or divorce, if you choose).

In general, I second the recommendation that you keep communicating, keep trying to be loving to each other, and stay committed to trying to make this work (for as long as you can). After 20 years and 5 kids, you obviously have a lot of love to build on and plenty of tools for keeping a relationship working to fall back on.

*hugs* My wife transitioned in 2009, 11 months from figuring out what she needed to do to being full-time and done, and while we're happier together than ever now... it was a hell of a year. I cried off and on for days when she had her ears pierced. Last summer, she had bottom surgery and it didn't phase me at all. It took a long time and a lot of work from both of us to get to that point, but it DID get easier. (For the record, I ended up becoming good friends with another wife who was there to support her spouse through surgery at the same time I was, who was in her late 50s and totally straight and realized that - with the same kind of dedicated effort and time - they could preserve their marriage and their sex life. Not everyone can, again, but it's happened.)

Good luck, and remember to take care of yourself too.


*note to everyone else reading, and I think I'm making this a standard disclaimer : yes, pronouns are a minefield. (I remember a period when seeing "she" used before either of us were ready hurt me acutely, so I'm gonna err on the side of being sympathetic to the person writing this, if I can't otherwise determine.)

blueconstancy, 
Thank you,  I really need to hear about the success stories, already being somewhat of a cross dresser, he has his ears double pierced on both sides, so I guess I am good there! LOL! I will take your words of wisdom, I have found that most S/O who stay say they are closer now than before, hoping that is what I get when I reach the other side of this

I hope so too! Hey, you handled the ear piercing thing a lot better than I did.   There *are* success stories, and I hope you both can get to the other side intact and relatively happy (together or not, but hopefully if you do want to stay together, you can).

There aren't many of us out there who've been through this, so we have to stick together!

Quote from: alsysgirl on March 08, 2013, 03:32:45 PM
and I feel that even though I love him as a man I will no be able to love  him as a woman because that is just not in me.

Can you break this down, in your mind, into its parts?

As a man.

As a person.

As a woman.

Which single element matters most?

And this is to you. No judgements. I'm just trying to explore this so you can perhaps look at what it is that is causing you the conflict.

You clearly don't want to destroy your relationship. Where are your limits?

My wife and I went through and still are going through a similar situation for the past3-4 years. (is there something magic about 52?) Therapy is a good place to start. A TG group with fully transitioned and those working on it even better. Obviously he seems to be planning on fully transitioning.

It is far from an easy decision. Even harder to execute. The realities often conflict with the expectations. This is where a TG group and therapy are important. I won't try to second guess your husbands feelings. For me, even remotely thinking about any sort of transitioning had everything to do with finally having some joy in my life and feeling better about being in my own skin. All this comes at an incredible cost, especially for us older more established in life types. Odds are still 50/50 on loosing the one person who gives my life any value and meaning, my wife / girl friend of some 30+ years. Odds are pretty good within 6 months I'll be out of work. After that everything else I worked hard for for her and I will also be lost. So much for all those shared hopes, wishes and dreams.

How quickly he can get started on HRT varies. Some therapist are 'Rubber Stampers'. You're an adult, If this is what you want and you are rational, then fine. Here you go. A gender therapist (hard to find) won't be so eager. Transitioning is serious business and not the only option for dealing with GD.

HRT takes a while to do it's work. Most likely he'll get put on an anti-androgen for a few months then estrogen. Back 30 years ago when I was experimenting with transitioning I was just estrogen the first time. It took about 6 months for it to really kick in downstairs so to speak. A few years later with both an anti-androgen and estrogen, 3-4 months. Four years ago, only about two.

After those early experiments I opted "Normal" and pulled it off quite well, so I am told, for decades. I am married to a woman that knew almost from day 1, some 30 years ago, about me. Been able to have my escapes from maleness by crossdressing around the house. The rest of the coping came from buring myself in work, always keeping busy, never allowing time for myself and thoughts.

For the past several years I gained a tremendious self esteem boost from finding a fantastic TG group, lots of soul searching and self-work. As well as gallons of tears. Occasionally I can credit starting therapy with some help. Eventually I started HRT again as in the past, for a brain reset. For TS folks low dose can work wonders. My presenting as female for the monthly TG group meeting eventually led to presenting for my therapist and evenentually led to spending a good part of my evenings and weekends living as a woman.

The cost to go full-time is not worth it at this point in my life. My wife and I do talk about the future, which in Magic 8-Ball style "Looks Hazy". She still goes though extreme feelings of betrayal. She did marry a man after all, at least someone who decided faking it was best for him. Feelings of an unsure future, no means of support, being thrown under the bus for various reason, ie: b/f or another TS which I have a history of dating before her.

I firmly believe this is much harder for a spouse to deal with.  TGs spent most of their life wrestling with the issue and all it's implications. A spouse, even one like you or my wife knowing the TG side, has to play catch-up while constantly assessing "Is the cost of sticking around worth it?" for yourself. After all, what's in it for you? You are going to paying much of the same social costs as your husband, who is doing it for his happiness. You are just along for the ride. BTW - I also had a wife before her who didn't stick around for long after finding out my deepest darkest secret. I also had a 5 year romance and was engaged to a woman that knew early on about me. But as a wedding date setting pressures mounted she cracked. I wasn't a 'Real man'