I guess it's mostly just weirdness from looking through the few pictures of times when I genuinely tried to look "feminine" or "pretty" but I almost get sad like, I don't recognize this person but I almost wish I could've been her, would've saved me a lot of trauma, the I get really weirded out with myself. I wish I could've been a cisguy all the time, but it is weird to sometimes just wish you could've been happy with your biological sex?

I use to feel that way, too. It's not even that I "want to be a biological guy" I just don't want to be transsexual either way. It's not fun.

I haven't transitioned yet, I'm even pre-T but I think I know how you feel.

Sometimes I'll see pictures of myself or I'll look at myself in the mirror and pause to think "You don't have to put yourself through this. You can still be 'her'." But the longer I think about it, the more I realize that I never was and never can be "her". Usually I just feel a huge disconnect between myself and the person I'm seeing in the pictures.

Sometimes it makes me feel sad, as if I'll be losing a part of myself when I transition but it feels worse to know that if I don't transition, I'll always be denying an even bigger part of who I really am.

I got this too, at times, and don't even need pictures to have it triggered.

Just thoughts about 'life is unfair to cast this upon me, or us, while all the others seem perfectly okay with their gender'.
But I do try to look at it with a positive view. We have been given a very unique glimpse of both genders in our lives that very few can experience. I mean, how many can say they have been both male and female at a certain point in life?

For example, when cisguys say that menstruation is just women crying, we know better, because we actually experienced that. Not that it makes it any better, but it is a very unique view that makes us priviledged. We have gotten the full view on how society is gender based in a way, while the rest of the world seems oblivious to that and takes it for granted.

Still, it's only some comfort...if I had my way I would have been born a guy, that's for sure.










Edited for profanity.

I got a bout of this last night, when my hubby dug out my old Typing textbook from my college days. I'd written my name on the title page, and it was very weird to see it there and to know that it once applied to me.

My old childhood photos are another example: my mother always insisted that I had to wear a dress & let her do my hair if I wanted to attend any of my friends' birthday parties. She'd spend ages dolling me up and then she'd take a photo for posterity. So there are a lot of pics of a pretty girl in a pretty dress with fancily done hair... but a completely and utterly miserable face.

I wish I could've lived my life without dysphoria, but I don't wish I could've been the girl in the photos. I never was a girl so I wouldn't want to be her. Rather, I wish the photos were of a handsome young boy with a big smile on his face because he was about to go to a friend's birthday party.

Quote from: Darkflame on March 07, 2013, 01:00:15 AM
it is weird to sometimes just wish you could've been happy with your biological sex?

Not weird at all.  Male or female, I wish I could just be happy being cisgendered.  If I can't be a biological mle when I wish I could just be happy as a woman because it's economical.  Imagine all of the money I would save if I could just be happy as a biological woman. That would be more money put towards video games and anime convention but nooooo, I just have to have this condition Sometimes I try to delude myself that I'm just a lesbian  but I know better.

It happens

Definately not weird. I often wish that I could've been happy in my biological sex and I often feel that it's a shame that I couldn't have been happy that way, our journey can be a long, painful and tough one, so it's pretty natural to wish for an easier life.

Yeah I feel like that,
like I havent tried hard enough to be female, -__-

of corse it would be more easy being cis as we live in a cisnormative world. I dont say womens life is without problems, but it would had been with less problems no doubt.

I used to convince myself I could be happy as a female. I ended up associating me being female with the empty, painful feeling of pretending to be someone I'm not though. Sometimes, I still think I could pretend, but...

I'm dealing with this right now. I'm causing such pain to my family simply by being myself that I keep thinking 'maybe if I try harder to be a woman...just a little longer...'

At what point do I concede I've tried my hardest? Suicide attempt?

Where's the line? I wish I knew so I could stop feeling such unbearable guilt.

I really did try. My mother says I didn't, but I did and I'm never going back to that. No shoving me back into the closet, I've grown too much.

If this is really who you are, trying to be who you aren't is only going to hurt you more.

repression has compounding interest

most people can't lock the closet

I played a back and forth game where I would tell myself I had decided not to do it, but that I would reconsider it in some number of weeks just to be sure. I was back to waffling within days - learning about transition, picking a name, worrying about surgery and hormones.

once it takes hold you're stuck in most cases, I think

I know it would never have worked if I had stopped as a man.I tried and was desperately miserable it wasn't for me

As said already, wouldn't it be SO much cheaper!! Reckon it's normal to want simplicity more so than the confusion & almost constant battle it is at times to be trans.

But I don't think I ever really had a chance at being "female", I never felt the need to try and be "female" and it was never really forced upon me. Realistically I never saw myself as someone's girlfriend, aunt, mother etc - to be honest I never really saw much for my future, I had no idea who I was or what I was doing, until I found the real me and started this process.

The only thing I personally wonder sometimes is if people miss "her" - the "girl" I used to exist as.. Like my folks, siblings, other friends and family. They were used to having her and now she's gone, never to return. Sometimes I even feel a little sorry for that.. Sorry for having to choose me over her.

In reflection, if the question is just do I wish sometimes I were a cis gendered male - of course! But if it meant being a completely different person to who I am today - the answer would have to be no. Finally for probably the first time in my life who I am today is someone I really enjoy being.

As for if u meant could I live as a woman even knowing or not knowing what I do now, I dont think I can answer that. I can't see myself ever being happy as a woman because I know what I know! The idea is completely foreign to me and to put it frankly I "hate" the thought of being a girl, I always have - I have no idea what it is to be or what it feels like to be a woman. I have never felt any connection to the sex I was assigned at birth.

j.