I really had a bad couple of weeks. I mean, I have never been a depressed person. Even when I was struggling with my dysphoria, I always seemed to find good in almost all situations, but I really couldn't find much good in situations which occurred the last week or so. I thought I would write about what happened, in hopes that some of you will still feel hope even when it feels as if you carry around a constant stigma.
A little background information on me; I'm 22 years old, a year and a half on testosterone, and living stealth for the most part. I didn't have a lot of friends my first two years of college, so it was easy to make the transition because the few friends that I did have were so close to me, that they supported everything that I did. For that, I'm extremely lucky.
Because of the few friends that I had being incredibly supportive, I didn't have a lot of people to share the fact that I was trans with others so thus my stealth status has never truly been compromised.
I had my name legally changed last September, and I thought that it would be the end of the fear of being outed at school(before the name change, I had went to each and every professor individually and explained my situation prior to class in hopes that the name on the roster would never be called, and to have everything changed so no one would see on the off chance that they had a sign in sheet for roll call. Every professor I encountered was accommodating, which is surprising since I live in a small town in Tn.
After my name change, I felt liberated.. that is, until a week or so ago.
We have cards which allow us access to amenities at our university, and I had never gotten my new school ID because I didn't plan on using school facilities. Well, now that I have made more friends, we all decided to go to the gym together a few times a week to play racquetball, or just work in out general.. so I went to get my new ID made, not expecting any issues.
I went into the office to get my new ID, knowing that my name was completely changed in the system, but when they looked up my ID number it still had my dreadful birth name, and since students are the ones running the office, I PANICKED. They asked if I had a sister, and I just shrugged it off and said yes. They then looked into my file, and blamed my mother for putting down the same SSN for both me and my imaginary sister..
I spoke with a lovely lady in records who told me to tell the lady over the students in that office to merely call, and she would straighten it up.. because it was none of their business, and I didn't have to explain ANYTHING to them... and I did so.. but the lady wouldn't listen to me. She said I needed to get my SSN changed in the system before she could do anything, though I told her the records office would verify any information she needed..she still didn't listen..
It was somewhere in the middle of her lengthy rant that I decided to just cut her off and tell her the truth, trying to be as quiet as possible because the girls in the office(whom were the original ones I dealt with in the office, and asked if I had a sister) were students. I don't think they heard, but immediately the woman changed her demeanor, got embarrassed and fixed the issue for me. That was fine, embarrassing, but fine. I got the ID, and didn't have to pay for it because they said it was my "first" ID.
Fast forward another four days..
I work in the zoology and herpetology labs for scholarship money so that I can even pay for school. Because of this, I get direct deposits from HR. Prior to changing my name, I asked them if I needed to give them updated information, to which they replied as long as it was changed with records, I would have nothing to worry about... yeah, that was WRONG.
They saw that my name was different than that on their records and changed my name BACK to my birth name in the school system; the ENTIRE school system. Because of this, one of my professors called my birth name in the middle of class, which baffled the absolute HELL out of me. I didn't raise my hand, and merely took the absence. I was NOT about to be outed like that. I went to the professor and told them that records had mixed up my SSN with my sister's to which they understood and went on about their business, and gave me credit for the day.
Furious, I went to records and asked them what happened, they explained HR did it (they were angry as well), and I went to the office and threw down my court order as well as my driver's license. They laughed about it, and then apologized, but I wasn't laughing. It wasn't funny to me. My professor is a hardcore mormon, and a previous professor had warned me about him BEFORE I took the class, explaining that he would not be accommodating if my name wasn't changed legally, which is why I made such a fuss of getting it changed before even ENTERING the class. I didn't want to explain.
After I got all that straightened up, I went out with my girlfriend and roommate to eat and ran into people I hadn't seen since freshman year. Because I was with my roommate, they noticed me(I had bumped into them before without my roommate, and they didn't recognize me, but because I was with my roommate.. they did) and said *ENTER BIRTH NAME HERE* in a scream, and then looked at me and said "WOW YOU LOOK MASCULINE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!".. my girlfriend looked at me, wide eyed, and I merely shrugged passed and said nothing to anyone.
After all this, I was ready to break down crying. It felt that the way I was born was CONSTANTLY plaguing me..
But then my girlfriend said something that made me feel so much better
TLDR: The message I want to convey to you all is what my girlfriend said after a bad week or so is this:
No matter what, you're strong. We have to deal with things that other people don't. We are born with a stigma, but it doesn't define us. We struggle with it, and every one of you that are on this forum right now are here because you know who you are, what you want, and what you feel is right. You're all brave to even have admitted it to yourselves, regardless on if you're out or not. If you want to keep it to yourself, that's fine; if you want to scream it on the rooftops, that's fine; if you want to transition, and tell people, that's fine; if you want to transition and go stealth, like I am, then that's fine.. Regardless, you have told yourself and become aware of who you are and how you were made. You understand yourself, at least a part of yourself; how many people can truly say that? How many people can truly say that they know who they are and what they want? We know because we have to struggle with it, and we have to delve even further inside to find ourselves. We have to constantly face obstacles throughout our transition, and because of that we are stronger than many strive to be, and barely anyone accomplishes. You're strong, whether you believe it or not. The bad days are what make the good ones so worth living and what make us grateful for them.. even if it feels that the bad outweighs the good, just fight through it, you'll be stronger for it, and even more confident in who you KNOW you are.
That's my hippy message of the day. I wish you all the best, and I hope you all get what you want in life. I hope my share is something that helps someone, or atleast makes one of you feel something.
