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Girlfriend is losing interest?

Started by BearGuy, March 13, 2013, 09:17:49 PM

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BearGuy

We've been together for nearly 2 years now, and we are planning to get married this summer. However, recently some problems began between us. Since my appearance changed dramatically (I've been on T for 4 months now, and cut all of my hair off into a shapeup)...I feel like I'm not as attractive to her anymore. She's a lesbian, who just realized she was a lesbian not 2 years back (thought she was at least bisexual). She says she loves me unconditionally, and loves me for me not for my gender, but still misses me when I presented as female - which was fake for me, obviously. I have only dated lesbian girls all my life (I have a question about that, but I'll save it for a later post  :P).
Anyways...I'm sorry if this gets a bit inappropriate, but before she would tear my clothes off nearly every time she saw me and said she was addicted to my body. Sadly for me, my sex drive was low then...(4 years ago I went through anorexia which messed up my hormone levels, and haven't been stable until I got on T). Now, we are lucky to do it once a week. I want to make love to her every day now, but she pushes me away. Before we would fight that I have no sex drive, now it's the opposite. She says it has NOTHING to do with me; it's that she's tired from school, her mom, and busy with high school graduation, and she wants me to understand that. Also, that we have "done it too much" and she doesn't feel the same pleasure she did before, not as much desire to do it. She says that "Back then I was growing up and desired sex a lot. Now I guess I just grew up...girls go through a different process. I don't need sex nearly as much anymore." She says I'm still as attractive to her. She shows almost zero interest in anything sexual having to do with me, but I still see her daily and everything else is normal. But it doesn't feel normal to me! Today she said how I look right now she'd rate me a 7.5 out of 10 :/
I don't know what to do. I asked her if she'd ever go back to how she was she said "I don't know." That's all.
I'm sorry this is so long guys, but what do you think about this?
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Jayr

We can't help who we are sexually attracted too.
Not sure what else to say.
Sorry dude :/





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BearGuy

But she says she is equally as attracted to me as before ... and it has nothing to do with me. Should i believe that? i mean,its hard to believe but i trust her...:/
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spacerace

this:

Quote from: BearGuy on March 13, 2013, 09:17:49 PM
She says I'm still as attractive to her.

seems to be in direct confrontation with this:

Quote from: BearGuy on March 13, 2013, 09:17:49 PM
She shows almost zero interest in anything sexual having to do with me, but I still see her daily and everything else is normal. But it doesn't feel normal to me! Today she said how I look right now she'd rate me a 7.5 out of 10 :/

and this is the final clue:

Quote from: BearGuy on March 13, 2013, 09:17:49 PM
I don't know what to do. I asked her if she'd ever go back to how she was she said "I don't know." That's all.

She's not deceiving you, so it is not a matter of believing her or not. She probably hasn't processed it either, and probably still loves you a lot, so that is another part of the issue.
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Contravene

Not too long ago, I was spending time with a group of friends when one of the girls started talking about how she's been with her boyfriend for two years now and is getting bored with him even though she still loves him and is still attracted to him.

She's straight and her boyfriend is a cismale though so neither of them have gone through the changes that you and your girlfriend have but I've overheard other women (co-workers, etc.) talk about how they've gotten bored with their relationships so maybe some women are just like that and get bored with their partners.

Maybe your girlfriend is getting bored but doesn't want to tell you that because she still loves you?

I can't really comprehend how you can get bored with the person you love (my girlfriend and I have been together for well over two years and can't get enough of each other) but it seems to be common, especially with women at least from what I've observed.
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Nero

Well, it could be a combination of things. You've been together for 2 years, and the 'honeymoon period' is over. You know how at the beginning of a relationship you're really hot for each other? Also, you seemed to not be 'really into it' before, so maybe she just got used to that. Plus, because you're more into it sexually than you used to be, you may just be noticing this more.

And maybe she really is busy and stressed out with school and everything. That can happen. Your changes probably are contributing to things, but may not be the whole story. Maybe she just feels weird right now watching you 'turn into someone else' physically. That doesn't mean she won't get used to it and want you again. While it could be that she's becoming unattracted to you, signaling doom for the relationship. It could be (and probably is) a combination of things that you two may be able to work out. Pretty much every couple goes through dry spells.

The fact that she rated you a 7.5 out of 10 (who does that?! did you ask for a rating?) shows she's pretty blunt and honest, so I'd just go with what she's telling you.  She says she still loves you and is attracted to you, but doesn't know if she'll go back to the way she was before. She probably doesn't know what she's feeling right now. I guess just try to be sensitive and understanding that your changes are hard for her. Proceed with caution, but don't give up just yet.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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Cindy

Hi,

Sorry for a woman coming onto the guys area but as a GM I can see all posts.

Can I just post a few thoughts?

Bear Guy, your woman's sexual response to you is very normal.  One of the biggest problems of Viagra and other cismale 'aid' products was that cis males suddenly went 'whoopy, I got my stuff back'. Go to their GF etc and want to be sexually active. She is quite used to what she was used too and happy with that routine. And the guy is left with a 'what did I do wrong and I'm as horny as hell feeling'. She thinks, OK he's taking a 'drug' and feels horny " He doesn't love me, he feels horny and wants to use me to satisfy himself'

Bear Guy and others are you doing something similar? OK full of T (finally!) the changes.  Horny as a Unicorn and as randy as a rabbit. Your girl previously set the parameters she feels comfortable with and got used to how you fitted with them, and she was happy and satisfied with her man.
NOW you come on to her full of 'enthusiasm' and the first thing she any women will think, 'does he love me, or does he just want to get his jollies off?'

I'll leave the answer to you.

Starting the romance stage again may be a big help.

There are old sayings and silly sayings but one that does hang around is that woman like romance and men like sex.

To be honest such feelings haven't changed in human evolution.

Your girl I think is saying something very simple, I understand it.

"How about me?"

Make romance to her. Build the relationship up again. It is new. You are new, and she is accepting it. But you are going through massive hormonal changes and she is still the same woman as before.


Oh BTW she loves the hell out of you and if you don't know that well!!! Guys---- Geex

Cindy


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krakenshay

I would continue communicating with her. The best for both of you is to determine what you both want and go from there. Better to break up when you are still on gd terms but have lost that passion /desire than to resent each other.
When the world gets bad enough, Abed, the good go crazy, but the smart...they go bad.-Evil Abed
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Rita

Might be nothing but I think the simple answer has to do with being sexually attracted to someone.

Your changing in ways she probably never expected, and being more into woman or solely into woman she might be going through a period of shock.  Maybe in a year her drive will spark up again as she gets used to the new you~ it just might take time.

In my own relationships I find that sometimes things might die down slightly, but if you work at it you can re spark it as fast as a forest fire.
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blueconstancy

(Speaking as an SO)... it's also worth noting that transition means *change.* Ultimately you'll settle out at a particular physical stage, and an emotional and mental expression that you're comfortable with, but in the interim, it's a period of flux. And as a woman who's primarily attracted to women, especially, it may seem complicated and difficult (or flat-out impossible) to adapt her sexuality to each new way in which you masculinize, and she may be - consciously or not - unable to keep up.

Which is a long-winded way of saying not quite as interested while everything is changing doesn't necessarily mean she won't adjust beautifully and go right back to jumping you regularly once you're mostly through transition and she has time to get used to the way you look/smell/etc. at that point.

I also wonder if she's very VERY subconsciously internalized that men are the initiator, and so she was totally comfortable routinely ravishing a "girlfriend" but is a bit less so with a boyfriend. (That, too, probably would evolve as time went on with you.) Of course, that would have to be separate from the question of why she's then rejecting your advances.

As far as the "girls grow up" thing, well, it is true that cis girls/women tend to have the highest sex drive during puberty when all the hormones are raging, just like boys do. (The studies about how well and how frequently cis women EXPRESS their sexual desire tend to show that it peaks in the 40s, but that's distinct from pure libido as divorced from sex with other people.) Depending on how old she is, she *might* have been in that phase and is not anymore, but it does seem pretty coincidental.
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mangoslayer

She's a lesbian. You are a guy. Lesbians arent attracted to guys.You can try and work it out but you can't help your sexuality.
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Simon

Someone else mentioned it but I'll add my two cents. Relationships are not...I repeat not about sex. Yeah, it is a nice part but really it is a hard lesson for many young guys to learn that eventually that part of a relationship cools off after awhile.

You're complaining about ONLY having sex once a week? Sorry man but I laughed. Most in a very LTR can tell you that once a week would be nice. Things come up. Work, College, just real life happens. Women get tired or are just not into it. Don't take it personally and stop counting. It's quality over quantity that matters.

About the lesbian thing, I dunno. I wouldn't constantly push her into talking about it or making her feel like she HAS to sexually pleasure you or compliment you, because that isn't fair to her to have to ego stroke her bf.
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