Well it finally happened, I finally lost control of my emotions and cried like I've never cried before. Honestly I was wondering when it was going to happen because everyone always talks about being more emotional after starting hormones but I never really felt that. I think I've just been bottling up my stress and transition woes for so long it just exploded. I guess It's still the male side of me that doesn't want to let it out, trained to not cry for so long because it was weak or unmanly.

Today at work I had a customer get angry and yell at me. Not going to get into the details but I was pretty shaken up. Back in the day I would have shaken it off but this time I couldn't. I literally just left me register and went to the bathroom and started balling. I literally could not stop crying and I was so embarrassed to come out. Keep in mind i'm still not out at work so I wanted to avoid the crap i'd get for being seen as a "guy" crying. I ended up getting myself composed enough to make it to the assistant managers office as she wanted to talk to me about the customer anyways I was welcomed in. I immeditately started crying again in from of her but she was super nice about it and comforted me and gave me tissues and water. She let me go home early because there was no way I was recovering from this one...

I wanted to tell her about me and come out so bad but my therapist keeps telling me I have to do this by the books coming out through HR and all this other crap. I wasn't planning n going full time till August to give myself time to get my voice where I wanted it and get my name change done but it's so damn hard. She is so nice and a complete opposite of the manager who is super conservative and kind of a dick. Now i'm debating whether to just accelerate my plans because i'm so damn sick of this double life. I hate not being able to tell anyone or be myself for fear of my job and safety. Maybe i'm just being too negative about it.... 

This whole transition has been about overcoming one fear after another and i'm getting tired. I'm just about at the "->-bleeped-<- it" point.

Sorry about the rant...at least I have you guys to rant to 

Hope your feeling better. Customers can indeed be evil, heartless souls. My tactic for taking out aggression in a non-violent or physically destructive way, is to play a violent video game like Grand Theft Auto or some first-person shooter. Either that or something a little less violent like Minecraft. I am scared to think of how I'll react on HRT. I've had my episodes in the past of uncontrollable crying.

Accelerate them. Tell her what was really bothering you. I would have done it that day. I reached the point you were at, the sudden and massive release of emotion, about six months into my transition. I was full time, on hormones. I was with a friend and recieved a rejection letter from a program I applied to. It was just too much. Suddenly EVERYTHING came out. It took her three hours to get me down again. In the end she had me write a list of ten things I like about myself to say everyday in front of a mirror.

That said, I still get emotional but its different. Before this outburst, the emotion was there but diffferent. I would think that you still have a couple emotional breakdowns instore. But try to embrace them.

Have you told anyone besides your therapist? You should come out to a friend. The lady you cried to, or someone closer to you.

But no, go faster if you want to. Go slower if you want. Its your journey not your therapists. 

Welcome to the club lol! Now you can have some insight when you're hanging out with guy and they roll their eyes at a girl that all of a sudden has to cry over something small (not that it wasn't something that's silly to cry over...)

I remember my second client at beauty school in Shreveport (A VERY racist town btw... both white on black and black on white) She wanted a perm rod set. The lady was black and wanted a black person to do them (even my black instructor pointed it out to me btw). I did her perm rods and all she would do was complain about me not putting them on tight enough and that she wanted to see my instructor. I got my instructor and she said I was doing fine so the client had a temper tantrum and asked to just get a flat iron style. She was giving me a lot of crap the whole time, but I still styled her hair even though the teacher said I didn't have to. At the end she said it looked great and even tipped me!

But... she had broken me down and I cried.... hard. I never cried in front of people unless it was losing friends or a family! Here I was... 7 months into hormones.. had just gone part time (full time if you didn't include work), and I was crying my eyes out in front of 10 other girls who had just seen me living as a boy 1 month earlier! But I couldn't help it. I cried for like 15 minutes and everyone comforted me.

Quote from: Hippolover25 on March 14, 2013, 08:56:23 PM
Have you told anyone besides your therapist? You should come out to a friend. The lady you cried to, or someone closer to you. 

Just my parents and sister. Everyone around me seems to be trying to make sure I do this by the book full time come out. Probably more for their comfort then mine. My family alone has so many worries about what other people will think of them and me.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on March 14, 2013, 09:23:54 PM
Welcome to the club lol! Now you can have some insight when you're hanging out with guy and they roll their eyes at a girl that all of a sudden has to cry over something small (not that it wasn't something that's silly to cry over...)

I totally get the whole crying thing now. In the past I was able to control it but now I think those days are over. It's actually kind of nice to just be able to let it out. 

Don't feel bad! It could be worse like for instance:

This past weekend I was asking my friend if I could borrow his car so I can start therapy while we were outside of the bar, and I started crying when some dude-bro-hey's said something retarded to one another, and I looked at my friend and I said I just can't take being a guy anymore and started crying, IN PUBLIC OUTSIDE OF A BAR! It was so bad but I didn't care, emotions happen, I also almost started crying towards the end of the movie Chasing Mavericks earlier in the week.... I'm not on HRT yet, I should probably be worried about this.....

Anyways stay strong! and maybe you should take the HR approach, you never know what can happen, don't jeopardize something you don't have to

<3 Veronica

I cried like crazy when my cat died. It's still hard for me to think about it. I'm sorry you had a ->-bleeped-<-ty day. You deserve better than having to deal with some jerk off customer.

Thanks Girls! 

I feel a lot better after I had a nap 

Look at me i'm like a cranky baby  

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on March 14, 2013, 09:37:50 PM
I totally get the whole crying thing now. In the past I was able to control it but now I think those days are over. It's actually kind of nice to just be able to let it out.

I've been able to hold it back a little bit better than before. It's like the feelings don't go away, you just learn to control them more. But lately I get in emotional moments with male friends and see the difference in what estrogen does. I get those "I am such a girl" revelations when I find myself emotional, especially when I compare them to how a guy handles the same situations..

I have just settled myself down for crying my eyes out. I don't like the twisted stomach feeling I get, which I still have!
Least I'm not crying now.
All because of a stupid letter, wound me right up, which I never expected! I still feel like ->-bleeped-<- though 
Bloody depression and anxiety's, not a good mix!
So yessss I understand real well!

I think I have mentioned this in another post somewhere too. The first time I cried was over something my mother said to me and I was crying my eyes out in my bedroom like a little girl hugging a pillow. That was a whole new experience and the moment I realize I was crying like a little girl in my room, I felt good deep inside. It was the weirdest feeling I ever had. I crying because I am sad and  in the same time I was happy because I am crying. But after some time I gain control over I am getting emotional, but still whenever I am feeling down, the tears will fall down from my eyes. I can hold back everything except for those. , Something I kind a like too.

about getting emotional in the workplace. I was on HRT for almost 7 months before I went full time and I work in guy mode. But I have came out to 3 of my closest friends in the work just after I started HRT. There was one time when another co worker found out about my transition and started to tease me and ask some very intimate questions and it tipped me off and I started to cry. I was sobbing while hiding my head in my arm as and the 3 friends made sure no one knew what was going on and during the lunch time one of them confronted the guy who started the whole thing and told him not to do that again and later in the afternoon same person came to me and apologized. During the whole 7 months my 3 friends were my safety net in the work place and also they were there to talk to.

So I don't see any harm coming out to a close friend before going full time. It helps a lot to handle the added stress in the workplace and you will also have someone to talk to who knows the whole story and it will help a lot, specially during the double life stage before going full time.

The experience you went through is  awful, But still I feel a congratulation is in order. Now you can cry like a girl and welcome to the club hun.

Oh girl the tears!!!

When you come out is up to you, and you alone. I sort of worked on the 'at some point there is no way of hiding this' time plan.

It didn't really matter that I was ready or not. It reached a point that everyone else already knew and were waiting for me to say it anyway.

I suspect your manager is fully aware. I suspect everyone you work with is aware to some point. They may not have it locked in but I sort of doubt that your 'I'm a guy' profile is getting any acceptance.

I'd tell your manager. I'd ask to speak to her and talk and -probably, have another cry and then.........Get the flowers out chick because it is time for another babe to strut her stuff and go FT.

And it is awesome. It is life. There are no negatives in my soul.

The fears are just that.

Oh and get use to crying - enjoy it.

Hugs Sister

C

Quote from: anya on March 14, 2013, 11:38:16 PM
I think I have mentioned this in another post somewhere too. The first time I cried was over something my mother said to me and I was crying my eyes out in my bedroom like a little girl hugging a pillow. That was a whole new experience and the moment I realize I was crying like a little girl in my room, I felt good deep inside. It was the weirdest feeling I ever had. I crying because I am sad and  in the same time I was happy because I am crying. But after some time I gain control over I am getting emotional, but still whenever I am feeling down, the tears will fall down from my ears. I can hold back everything except for those. , Something I kind a like too.

THIS. Totally. Having actual emotional responses to things, and actually being able to cry, feels amazing! (And I haven't even gotten close to the full emotional changes yet, so yeah, in a weird way I'm actually looking forward to when I finally get to that magical emotional moment like the OP mentioned. So, yeah... enjoy it, I guess. And as my roommate says to me all the time, "Welcome to the wonderful world of women."  )

This reminds me of a time when I was teaching. One of the teachers got breast cancer and died. She was a real ray of sunshine and dearly loved. The school held a memorial assembly for her.

I managed not to blub but I don't think the 600 pupils I was standing   in front of could work out why I was the only teacher with a soaking wet face.

Sometimes it can be your employers that sets you off.

After one year of being full time and with HR's support, I was called into HR and told I couldn't use the women's restrooms anymore. I also got my first write-up, for a different matter that was totally undeserved. After that meeting, I went and started doing my mold change on a press I had shut down. And I broke down. I cried my heart out. I felt like they had just told me that I was nothing but a worthless waste of space to them, an annoyance. It was the first time I have ever cried like that in public. But, it wasn't my last at that place. In another meeting, HR tried to tell me to answer to my old name, that as long as my social security number had my old name I had to answer to it. I was so angry. I told them I would not do it.
It's funny when they tell you, "I can't imagine the struggle you are going through," trying to sound sympathetic. But the thing that I resented most, was that the HR rep who I met with every time was himself gay. So much for GLBT support.

Quote from: MaidofOrleans on March 14, 2013, 07:12:40 PM
I wanted to tell her about me and come out so bad but my therapist keeps telling me I have to do this by the books coming out through HR and all this other crap.

Our transition is already by all means going against the book, I dont think your therapist has any right to dictate how you MUST do it.  But I understand your therapist concern~

Gotta trust our feelings ^.^

On T, people tend to pop like a fire cracker and then you're okay. On E, it's more of a slow simmer and it's harder to let go of things.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on March 15, 2013, 10:35:52 AM
On T, people tend to pop like a fire cracker and then you're okay. On E, it's more of a slow simmer and it's harder to let go of things.

Sooooo true..... .. 

So little update.

I wasn't planning to do it but I went to the HR rep at our building and told her about me. I've worked with her for a while and I know she likes me so I felt pretty comfortable telling her. She was super cool about it. Apparently she's seen a bunch of those talk shows where they have trans kids on and she had some understanding of what I was saying. She automatically started using proper pronouns and my name without me asking. She assured me that she would do everything possible to make sure I'm taken care of and that my job is safe. She's going to back me up when I tell my managers. It ended with a hug and I felt really good afterwards. I know this woman pretty well and I know she was sincere.

Awesome possum I'm happy for ya hon!