My Transition: "The Realization of a Woman!"
I was born with a birth defect. But let me tell you, I am no more a male then a tiger is a lion. I am a woman, I always was and I always will be. I may be the black sheep of the family and tired of being the ugly duckling. One day, I will be the beautiful swan that I always dreamed about being. Like the caterpillars in the cocoon, given the chance they emerge as beautiful butterflies or months; my transition is my cocoon only everyone can see my transformation process.
As I grew I became more beautiful and feminine by the day, my blond hair was getting very long in very tight ringlets. Everyone that saw me started commenting to my parents about what a pretty baby girl I was, much to my parents dismay.
So instead of my parents looking into why I was becoming feminine, they had my hair cut really short, and dressed me in boys clothes, from that moment on; and they scolded me every time I wanted or did something feminine.
Finally to my parents delight most people stopped thinking of me as a girl for many years, but there was always someone that saw me not as a boy but as a girl in boys clothes.
By age 2, I knew something was wrong, but I was not sure just what it was and not was not able to talk to my family about it. I have always been looking for answers and finding little help. All throughout my life, even as a young child, I wanted to one day be a mother, to feel my child growing inside me. As I grew up, I figured out that might not be possible for me, this caused me years of nightly crying spells, which worried my family to no end. This is when my charade (caterpillar) years began, always knowing that it was just that, a facade and nothing more.
Then one Halloween, at a school party about age 9, I started to understand what my hidden feelings were and why many of my classmates never really treated me like a boy, no matter what I did. After that the experimenting years began in secrecy, always weary of my family.
Eventually my mom and oldest sister discovered my experimenting, we talked about it some; but because of father's strong desires for a son, nothing was really able to be done. So my charade continued, despite my overwhelming feelings of unrest, which perpetuated my becoming a shy, depressed and unhappy person who suffered years of internal disharmony over how I felt and how I looked.
Well as time went by, as months became years, I tried to suppress my feelings, striving to live a life of normality, but that did not work either. The more time I had alone the more I tried to figure out who I really was. Soon I had a place of my own but still I was weary, because of where I was living and that my father nearly always stopped by to see me on his way home from work.
Later on I moved away, again I tried normality, but it still didn't feel right. This was when my experimenting intensified and became a reality to some degree, and I seriously questioned what my sense of normality was. My feelings of what felt right, supported by the general public's perceptions of me and reactions toward me, started to override what I was taught.
At age 31, about two and half years after returning home and back deeper into my old life, my father passed away suddenly, thus allowing my charade years to wane and starting my (pupae) years. A year and half before my fathers passing a situation forced me to shut down emotionally, which took several years to recover from and is why it took over nine years for me to end my charade. Mom and I had to survive and things need to be done for that to happen, so I did whatever I needed to do. All the time, trying to figure out who I really wanted to be and slowly moving away from the charade.
Nearing the end of my charade years was a stressful time while living a dual existence, but it was worth it, just to be sure I wasn't fooling myself again and what I had felt all those years ago was truly who and what I actually was.
Once I was able to emerge from my (pupae) years and put my charade behind me, I was finally able to spread my wings and get on with my life. Though my transition appears to be over, I still have a long way to go to reach the goals that I set years ago. Despite that I still feel free from all the side-effects of my charade, I am now a poised, confident, happy outgoing woman. Eager to take the next steps toward completing my goals.
I AM THE BUTTERFLY...
Here is a video/slide-show version of this i posted on youtube.
