Hi forum
I am new here and have come to better understand myself where I fall within the transgender spectrum. In some ways I even doubt I am part of that spectrum but questioning it and being concerned with it is kinda pointing in that direction. Okay, so where to start? I am in my 20s now and have been fantasizing about being a female, wearing female clothes, or taking traditionally ''female roles'' for a long time. The first time I can remember I did something that may be related to this was when I was 4 or 5 and I put on my sisters ballet clothing she herself wore as a child. To this day I still can't remember whether I was caught or not, I tend to believe I was and was told it wasn't the right thing to do. In any case, I had a 'boyish' youth in that I liked to play with toy soldiers, liked to play soldiers or knights with friends on the street or in the woods. I have also played with girls but not very much. The only difference between me and most other boys was that I was very shy and introvert which has carried on to this day. I was also a very sensitive kid and I was bullied a lot because of my shy personality.
Then puberty came. When other boys might fantasize about sex with women all I did in early puberty was secretly grabbing female clothes and make up. It became a huge fetish. I didn't really think much of it. Back then the internet was still in its infancy, most people had an email but there wasn't really all that much to do on the web as there is now. Only in later puberty did I became aware of transsexuality and crossdressing. I clearly identified with the latter and gave the former not much thought. All it was to me was some sort of sexual kink.
However..
In the past couple of months I have questioned myself a lot. I have become either tired or sated about my sexual fantasies and fetishes and I have accepted them. And now I am experiencing a tremendous drop in libido. I feel little need to masturbate. I get very little to no arousal about imagining myself as female. I have accepted my other fantasies and they too have ceased to be 'magical' in a sense. Now that I've rid myself of most of the kink I am increasingly imagining what life would have been like had I been a girl. I even check my body to see if there is anything femininity left. Partly yes, partly no. I get excited about it in a, mostly, non-sexual way.
My fantasies in the past were all powerful because I saw them as wrong. And of course I have always felt shame about it, but that made it all the more powerful and rewarding for me. It felt like a forbidden fruit.. something I shouldn't do.. but something I would surrender to. Yeah.. I would give in, and then I would get a good orgasm.. only to feel bad about it afterwards of course. And surrender is one of my desires. I still want to surrender to the feminine. I never had a girlfriend, so I'm still a virgin. Unfortunately it never really worked out well. I had strong romantic feelings for a few girls but they did not feel the same for me. I've had girls proclaiming their love to me, but I felt nothing for them. Thinking about it now I should have said yes probably, at least I would then be able to get some experience. Dumb me. And in the past couple of years I was more bothered with video games and studying and worrying. But I want to change all of that to better understand myself.
But where was I again? Oh yeah.. surrendering. I have a huge desire to surrender to the feminine. I imagine myself as a girl or I imagine I have a girlfriend. Whatever it is.. there is this intense desire for femininity. And then again I have these fantasies about being a girl, a history of sexual fantasies that contain these elements.
I could go to a psychologist but I'm wary of leading questions, wary of bias, and of the Barnum effect. I am a sceptical person. Knowing my history full of different thoughts and desires I know I could interpret things either way and make generalizations. I can daydream about being a girl and I can just as easily picture myself as an heroic male with a girl in his arms. Maybe I am some crazy person who is stuck in the middle and that's why I can't grasp myself. I am here to understand what ''transgender'' means for different people and how that is similar or different compared to myself, and I'd like some support or friendship, people who can perhaps give me tips or help me to better understand myself.
