I am SURE is is a matter of great worry, to come out to a great many places. But my hell, is all I can do is imagine what it feels like.

I have not worked since 94. And in that time, well look at how much the world has changed. I have not had to work during the entire time the WWW has been a daily issue. I have no real idea what it is like to job search online for instance. I might as well be my 80 year old doesn't relate to tech well mother.

I have and will never know what it is like to come out in the work place.

I can say as much for so much, that it is actually frustrating in a way I suppose most might not have contemplated.

Because of my disability, I am more or less limited in choices.

This last week, all because I simply walked to my favourite Tim Horton's for a hot chocolate, a walk of a number of blocks yes, but not even far enough to require public transit. And it is in a straight line, and even while right through downtown, it is not a city here. I might pass by 50 people in the middle of the day. If I go during an off hour, evening etc, I might pass almost no one.

That choice this week has resulted in feet that hurt all the remaining day and all the evening and through the night and into the morning. I have done this each day, and I suppose I am a bit obsessed with my walking, but the thing is, if I don't go for a walk, I never leave the house either.

Destinations. I visit a hobby store, I talk to a clerk friend for a handful of minutes. There might be 5 persons pass through the store while I am there. I visit a EB Games, chat with the manager also a friend, same process basically. I do grocery shopping, and here is about the only place I go where people might know me in numbers and not realize I am merely trying to be me in an ostentatious fashion some days. I still need the food of course.

I have really no where else to be or go to. It is a small town. I can't shop in non grocery locations every day and expect it to mean much. Stock doesn't change much in retail. Once I have visited a Canadian Tire, well until next week the sales won't be different, and even if they are, well the stock is the same and you can only need bakeware so often before you own everything.

We have at best 3 stores in town I can genuinely expect to buy any form of clothing in. Maybe 5 if I include rare seasonal needs, maybe 6 if I lie to myself about my size limits. In a given month, I can accomplish all of my potential to shop in a single day.

Which means, in a given month, I can pretty much expect to have almost no reason to even leave my home.

Volunteer you say? It's a small town, the options are very limited and my disability generally makes me of no real use.
I would kill to be able to be a substitute teacher. But nope, when they think I am male, they think ill of me for hanging around schools. When they discover I am not even an ordinary male, they just think ill of me for alternate reasons. That is of course I can even make it past the lack of belief I could even offer the faculty any assistance to start with. Education? ....... well I have grade 11. Oh I am sorry I don't think we really have anything for you Lesley was it?

It's a small town, and you can bet they have no shortage of people desperate for work, any work. There isn't going to be much left over for someone even if they don't mind doing it for free. All I would end up doing, is make it hard for someone to justify their own part time hours. Life is rough, but my bills are paid. I'd rather not have someone let go because management thought it neat I was able to do it for free.

The only real opportunity in town, is visiting seniors. Well hell I AM a senior if you look close enough. I don't have the years, or the grey hair (well not fully yet), but no one has a problem mistaking me for a resident in my mother's seniors apartment. I've been mistaken for her husband. I have had middle aged people offer to help me cross the street damn it.

I am not a member of any service clubs. My parents are members of the Moose Lodge. No I don't wish to join the Moose Lodge as a man. I am not sure how they would deal with the idea of me joining the Women of the Moose. They require a dress code for some meetings. Suuuuure I can participate in a dress. I mean, I wouldn't really have a problem with it. I'm not sure how they would deal with it though. I suppose my mother would need to stop introducing me as her son and master the linguistic shift finally. It normally doesn't really bug me. Well it does, but there is a limit to how much I plan to hassle a frail old woman.

I have no social outlets in town. The ONLY place to dance, well, I would stick out like a sore thumb. I went to the local dance place when I was 20. I fit in when I was 20. I sure wish I had something relevant for a 50 year old that wasn't a monthly country dance at the armouries full of slow moving seniors that would think ill of me.

Does anyone else actually have this problem, that being no need to worry about being outed thanks to there being no where to come out to?

I don't do the beer and sports thing on the weekends. I am not into wasting money on booze and don't like sports.

I like models, that is solo and at home.
I like wargames see above.
I like reading, see above.
I like anime, see above.

I have a very rich and varied list of interests, none of which require me to go out of the house.

And I have had to learn that the internet is not a replacement.

I lament that there is so little reason to transition beyond a declaration of my being female.
I might like a wig to look a bit more female. And it would aid the walk to Tim Horton's while wearing a skirt on a warm summer day.
But I never interact with anyone while out on my walk. I walk listening to music. I take all of mere moments to order my drink. I sit alone because I never meet anyone I know as the population is usually seniors. I might look like one, but I never went to school with these people.

My day is spent alone. The only reason for wearing anything at all, is to hide the anatomical annoying details from my view.
There is nothing really preventing me from wearing whatever I want in the house. No one visit me. No reason to fret over coming to the door in a skirt or a nightgown. Any that might come, already know me. So it is not a coming out process.

I am left wondering, if so much of the process, as troublesome and fraught with worry as it is, would at least be nice to be available to be dealt with all the same.

Coming out, it isn't easy I am sure. But living in a world where there is no where to be out is extremely depressing too.
I am more than invisible. 

Sounds to me like you're feeling sorry for yourself.  As bad as things feel there is no doubt someone who has it worse.  It's important to be positive and thankful for whatever we do have and look for positive ways to improve what we don't.  Is it possible to take a bus to a bigger town where there may be more things to do as Lesley?  Or even better move to one?

Big hugggs. Really do understand how you're feeling.

Hugs.

Is there a local LGBTQ center? Perhaps you can do reception or work the library.

I live near a city with perhaps 5 million people in a 75 mile diameter. So it may very different than your location.

Reading your post I get the sense that you're lonely and, after brainstorming some answers on what to do, you're also at a loss of what to do about it.  On top of that you seem to feel old, or at least out of date, with a deep fear of being judged poorly by others.

I wanted to say you seem blue but I think, not that I'm an expert, you might be into depression territory.

Is there a reason you don't dance at home?  Struck me as something you like to do from the post.  Doesn't address the loneliness but, it might get ya moving in the right direction.  Or what about trying to start a dancing group yourself?  I don't know what oppertunities are to get the word out up there but if you can there's hope someone else will be interested.  There are the 50+ people after all.  I would also point out, Downtown L.A. when I was there five years ago during an off hour it was empty too.  Eerily so.

As for the Women of the Moose, well first, there's a place you could come out to! You indicate you don't mind adheiring to the dress code and obvious as it is, indeed, you won't know how they will react until you give them the oppertunity to react.

To be clear, I'm not trying to tell you what to do here.  Just trying to help you find some hope you might have missed while writing the post.  It's clear, at least I think it is, that you're bothered by your situation from the tone and length.  That's ok.  Quitting, that wouldn't be.  Especially as it seems you do very much want to get out there and live.

From someone who once had a hermit/hikikomori life herself, good luck!

Lesley I havea few comments.

I do appreciate the loneliness and frustration BTW. All too well.

All too well. I think one of the nasty side effects of 'our condition' is that we grew as loners. People now have the internet and places like Sue's to meet, grow and learn.  They get advice from peers and support from people who are on the journey

We didn't.

One of the items my psychiatrists were very keen on exploring was how I was, and how in the future I would interact in a social manner.


'He' was a total loner. Social ability of a prawn, he could stand in front of an international audience and wing a talk, but not talk to a person sitting next to him.

I worked hard to overcome that. I joined everything. I just taught myself how to interact. The more I learned the easier it got and the more opportunities opened.

As for coming out, the need or not and the reasons; well we have to be a bit careful as we are all different and have different needs.

I couldn't stand the concept, the idea the anything of being a male person any more.

It would not matter if I lived on a farm in the Outback or where I am in a city with people who knew 'him' .

I had to be me.

Now I am me; my life has changed so much that, to be honest I cannot relate well to the past person.

Not sure if these comments help or just provide a process for further discussion.

Cindy

On a purely practical suggestion note, is it possible to take some Adult Ed courses where you are?  That way you get to meet people, but interaction is in a controlled environment.  Even if there are limited subjects available it would be a start, and could lead on to others.  It could also address your feelings that you are lacking formal qualifications.

Karen. (Who is in second year at Uni, at the age of 59, and loves it.)

Quote from: JulieC. on March 16, 2013, 01:30:40 PM
Sounds to me like you're feeling sorry for yourself.  As bad as things feel there is no doubt someone who has it worse.  It's important to be positive and thankful for whatever we do have and look for positive ways to improve what we don't.  Is it possible to take a bus to a bigger town where there may be more things to do as Lesley?  Or even better move to one?

I AM feeling sorry for myself, but that is understandable and ordinary for everyone. It's only a problem when dealt with poorly.

I mean, I'm Canadian, free health care, I am disabled, and poor and yet not in any real financial hell from it. My meds are free, although free is not always all inclusive, I have to pay part of the cost of things occasionally. New glasses for instance, as long as I keep them cheap they are free, the moment they get fancy it is my problem. Dentures, they pay half, but when it is half of a 1000 bucks, well that is still a lot of cash. I don't pay for ambulance services. I don't pay for Community Care (transportation).

I could be living in a hell hole in Africa. Where I am sure being feminine would not even manage to make it to the list of things to fret over. Makes me wonder, how many of us are able to worry about being 1 of us thanks to a standard of living that permits us to even take to the time required to think about who and what we are.

I am VERY thankful for a lot of things.

I have not driven a car in over 50 years though. I have no financial capacity to do so though. I accepted that a loooong time ago. The cost of a bus from here, to there there being something akin to a real city though is already covered by why I don't have a car.

Given a choice, of having food in the house or being able to dance dressed like a lady, I have to pick the food.
One thing I have mastered over the years, is mastery of choice. I think a lot of people badly mangle that one.
I don't smoke mainly because it is a dumb waste of money. Same reason I don't drink. I'm fully aware smoking is dumb in every other fashion of course.
I don't buy lottery tickets ever. I consider eating out more than once a month to be an excessive waste of money to eat food I could have cooked better and served in larger portions. I wear my clothing long after most would have discarded theirs. I wear nice looking but unbranded articles too. My clothing is basically plain. Functional, well made, but not even remotely trendy.

I have lived on Toronto for 4 years (first 4 years of marriage). Yes Toronto has a great night life scene. And everything else costs a great deal more. The streets are not safe at night, the noise never really stops, you need a bus to go anywhere and they are not free, and rent is horrible. I did NOT want my son growing up there. He can live there as an adult if he wishes.

My home town is such that I can literally walk to any form of need in 10 minutes. Our town has 3 buses, all given colours eh. They are basically just tours for the bored and meant for the elderly more than anything else. They take longer than walking does, and are only a good idea if you are carrying over 50 pounds of whatever or it is raining in torrents outside.

If I were to win the lottery, I'd be moving north to any even smaller locale I suppose. But if I had millions, I could always get my driver to take me to Toronto on the weekend I can't afford to not live in a small town in many ways financially speaking.

But it is brutal on the entertainment angle.

The Moose lodge comment was very recent thinking. I might ask my mom what she thinks just for laughs
I am not sure I want to hang out with her club though considering what she says about the club some days But I am SURE not hanging out with the old men there

I kinda like the ongoing education angle. It comes down to cost I guess. We have a Forestry University in town. Part of the Sir Sanford Flemming college in the area. They teach a variety of courses. I'd rather pay for courses I really am just using as a means to be around people (and who cares about the marks or certificates I might gain), than pay for a club of little old ladies
The idea bears some more thinking I suppose. At least it is not taking away work from someone.

I am of course suffering from genuine documented depression. And I have experienced plenty of the usual 'meds'. The only effects I seem to encounter only generate new problems. I have yet to ever experience any med out of many, that actually made me feel good.
I am currently wondering, if HRT would actually do that. I'd love to have breasts, even if it only made me a cliche 'flat girl', I would not mind having trouble getting erections (I sure wish it had an off switch really), I'd gladly use anything that slowed body hair growth. The idea it might make my voice softer more feminine, frankly that I'd like more than the breasts. I'm getting no real thrill out of being stuck in my atypically male looking form. And my atypically functioning male reproductive organ, well we all know how it feels like when it does everything but fire. I'd like it more if it just never woke up to depress me with not firing.

My wife is the only real angle I am unsure of. She does NOT willingly talk to me, she has trouble willingly responding to me. Getting information out of her is harder than getting a response from local government.
She claims she married a man and wants me to remain a man. That's understandable.

I have only had two conversations with the shrink.
The wife has seen him and her visit wasn't about asking her for her thoughts, he was really just asking her to verify my comments to him previously.
I have access (so I have been told), to services and options in Toronto, and my disability could cover the transportation (as long as it is medical, they have no beef).
But it has been a tiring slow wait for anything to start.

There is nothing locally. The local hospital's staff are not trained in the issues that we encounter. At least they were able to say so and not just listen to me for the sake of doing it to no end.

I have had access to drop in counseling courses for a variety of mental health issues. But I don't want to sit in on groups for things that are not plaguing me, all so I can sit around people. Sure I could likely use some of them at a very vague level of need. I don't have anger management issues for instance, but I do have trouble with hate. It's not actually the same.

I am not saying my hometown does NOT have a lot of what we all know are out there, it is just it isn't really all that visible.
Or maybe I am just that unstreetwise. I can't tell a working girl from just a woman on the street for instance. My friends often find me funny for things like that. I wouldn't have a clue what the local homosexual population was like in town. So I am unlikely to have any idea if there is anyone dealing with being transgender.

I am too stuck in the 1960s. Kids played hide and seek, were in at 9 in the middle of summer, climbed trees, played in fields. We read books, rode bikes, had collections of toys that had no form of electricity.
Part of my problem, is I just don't belong in this century.
Part of my problem, is all of my friends are not actually in my town any more.

I am almost tempted to move into an apartment in my mother's building, just so I could be around people I understood.
90% of the smiles and greetings I get in a typical day, are from people I see while I am in her building visiting her.
The only sad part, is I am known as that 'really nice son'.