I'm sorry, I'm again complaining. I'm good at that, not sure if I'm good at offering any support to anyone here

I've been away from Susan's for a while and actually from all trans related things, stuff, support groups etc. It wasn't more than few weeks, but it actually felt like a life time.

We split up with my longterm girlfriend (10+ years). I still don't understand why. I don't hate her and I don't think she hates me either. Still we went on our separate ways, just because I told her that I'm a woman We just couldn't communicate.

It really made me feel extremely bad. Had all sorts of dark thoughts going through in my mind. Actually dug up few remaining male clothes and tried to present again a male. Was also about to throw all my women clothing and stuff away. End result was that I just felt even more bad about this body and about the future when such a freak is staring from the mirror.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Even pre-hrt, I cannot turn back and try to be a male again. I will die if I do that. But with these mood swings that I have, I'm not sure if I'll ever see the day of hrt.

Quote from: Henna on March 20, 2013, 04:19:47 AM
I'm sorry, I'm again complaining. I'm good at that, not sure if I'm good at offering any support to anyone here

I've been away from Susan's for a while and actually from all trans related things, stuff, support groups etc. It wasn't more than few weeks, but it actually felt like a life time.

We split up with my longterm girlfriend (10+ years). I still don't understand why. I don't hate her and I don't think she hates me either. Still we went on our separate ways, just because I told her that I'm a woman We just couldn't communicate.

It really made me feel extremely bad. Had all sorts of dark thoughts going through in my mind. Actually dug up few remaining male clothes and tried to present again a male. Was also about to throw all my women clothing and stuff away. End result was that I just felt even more bad about this body and about the future when such a freak is staring from the mirror.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Even pre-hrt, I cannot turn back and try to be a male again. I will die if I do that. But with these mood swings that I have, I'm not sure if I'll ever see the day of hrt.

I would say just give her some time, but make an effort to keep talking to her. You might have to rekindle the communication and by that I mean refigure a new mode of communication.

I just had a great convo with my ex tonight (we still live in the same house, just separate rooms). Lately people have been asking me if I talk to her at all, apparently she has been griping about our past relationship behind my back I have been being really nice to her for about a week, then struck up a conversation and brought it up tonight. She really opened up to me, it was great. Just know that there is hope and also that the closer a person is to you, quite possibly the longer it could take for them to accept you with a new gender role.

She will come around, just keep an eye on her and if she looks upset talk to her. She probably is upset or confused and doesn't want you to know. I bet you will be able to reconnect with her, she probably just needs some space to sort things out in her head. After all, when you come out to a S.O., you are in a way rewriting your history with them.

Hey and thanks for the replies. Splitting up is never easy I know. This just feels like one part of me is ripped apart, or pulled from me forcibly. We were never really close I guess because of me, but we travelled together so much and had to depend on each others, that it really feels like I'm leaving part of me behind. It feels bad. I did propose to her that I would stop transitioning and guess my experiment as living a man had something to do with it.

I already moved away and am living on my own now. Kind of feels nice and ok, but at the same time I'm questioning what will I do here in the world, as it seems that I am alone now, with nobody to share anything with me.

I'm also quite tired of discussing with non-trans people about my relationship, which now is gone. People seem to think, that it was a good thing that we split, "as my gf might have felt as an outsider, when I start to fulfill or implement my femininity", as one person said. I have no idea what that means or why my gf as a woman would be feeling as an outsider with another woman and I'm sick and tired to hearing such things to such end that I told one person, that I stopped transitioning, just to stop discussing about trans issues.

Henna,
     My heart goes out to you dear, life can be emotionally brutal when this happens. I am a late bloomer, started at 50 and I'm almost 70 now. My spouse had too big an emotional and security investment in me to call it quits and we managed to work through it, but if we had been in our 20' or 30's at the time it would have been much different. It's been a big  transition for her to finally understand how beautifully we fit and do things together now when previously I was just there and emotionally unavailable for the most part as a typical male. However in retrospect I can say for certain that if I had been dumped, knowing what I know now I am absolutely positive that I would have found another trans woman as a life partner. The reason I say that is that although I identify well with my cis spouse, it has been a monumental uphill task of give and take for both of us and I opted to forego SRS at the last minute as part of the compromise. On the other hand, every trans woman I know has meshed with me perfectly mentally and emotionally in every instance because we have the same mindset and understand one another intimately from the outset of our friendship. So let me encourage you to consider the possibilities and know that you are not alone, that there is someone out there for you, possibly even another trans person.

It seems that whenever I'm seriously about to hit rock bottom, there's something of a miracle coming along and saving me.

My ex-gf's sister called me yesterday evening. We had a really long phone call. Discussed all sort of things but the main point what she wanted to say was, that transitioning doesn't change the relationship that I've had with my ex-gf's family, to her parents, sister and brother and to their families.

I will always be part of that family, no matter what. I don't think anybody could have said anything nicer to me. It really still brings tears into my eyes when I think of our phone call.

My ex-gf's sister also though that we will still be very close friends with my ex, but she just needs time to process this.

It's also quite a number of people who now know that I'm a woman. So far nobody hasn't been a judgmental.

Kudo's! Her comments speak volumes about you as a person, I think you're going to be doing just fine Henna!

Having had my fair share of SO issues in the past and even present, I firmly believe that being trans is far harder for the SO to deal with then for us. Just think, we spent much of our life tring to sort through it all. They get it dropped in their laps have to try to quickly come up to speed.  That is on top of feeling betrayed, lied to, having their entire concept of you totally turned upside down.

Even for a wife that knew from almost day one, who is understanding, and been supportative, will need time if the status quo changes.

Quote from: JoanneB on March 23, 2013, 04:11:26 PM
Having had my fair share of SO issues in the past and even present, I firmly believe that being trans is far harder for the SO to deal with then for us. Just think, we spent much of our life tring to sort through it all. They get it dropped in their laps have to try to quickly come up to speed.  That is on top of feeling betrayed, lied to, having their entire concept of you totally turned upside down.

Even for a wife that knew from almost day one, who is understanding, and been supportative, will need time if the status quo changes.

totally agree

My ex has slumped into a funk, but she's also been playing the blame game behind my back about our previous relationship problems. We are both in the same close group of friends (also live in the same house / hippie commune if you will), and it's been hard to get her to open up to me about the issues she has in a meaningful lasting way so we can keep communication open and a friendship going. Instead, she would like to say bad things and file informal complaints with my friends when I am not around. Just when I think I've had a good conversation with her and I feel like she's finally opened up to me, she just slumps back and starts becoming unhappy again- kind of lashing out at me in front of groups and behind my back which just makes her look bad..