Quote from: Katia on June 14, 2007, 06:48:54 PM
i normally see a beautiful woman from the waist up; the rest is just hideous

I'm exactly the opposite: I've always seen a pubescent girl from the neck down (I don't really notice the genitals)... it's the FACE that makes me cry

~Kate~

Kate,
If you want to know how you look like to others
and not some modification of your mind,
try this.

When you wake up in the middle of the night, or in the morning,
while groggy (night is better) look in the mirror for a second (not more),
then look away and go away from the mirror.

The image you see for that second,
before your brain clicks on and try to pick it apart, is what other see.
I'd bet that its NOT a male image at all no matter what angle you look
at yourself.

Yes, there is a transitional state where you see your "male image" occasionally in the mirror, up to 2-3 months ago, I sort of saw my male self in the mirror sometimes, especially in the frontal view (the one that has changed the least from before).

But, now, I'm starting to even forget how I looked like. I just haven't fully integrated my new look in my psyche, especially when I'm facing men. I think your on the cusp of not seeing it at all from any angle (now its more in your head, than in reality anyway).

I was told by my therapist that the moment you dream of yourself in your preferred gender is when "things" are falling into place.  As I said on another thread, the more feminized my body became, the more unhappy I turned because the contrast between my male genitals and my female body was just too much for me to bear.

tink

Quote from: Tink on June 14, 2007, 11:33:45 PM
I was told by my therapist that the moment you dream of yourself in your preferred gender is when "things" are falling into place...

I was thinking about this on my way home today... about why I don't seem to dream in ANY gender lately.

And you know what? It's odd, but I'm not really aware of my gender now. I mean before, the awareness that I was a boy was a 24/7 kinda neon sign burning my soul every second, but now... I don't really think about it aside from still getting used to new situations a bit. That caged feeling is gone, that awful feeling of looking at the world through a pair of broken glasses, of trying to touch it through rawhide gloves...

I dunno, just Sand In The Wind as a good friend of mine might say

~Kate~

Quote from: Kate on June 14, 2007, 11:47:15 PM

Quote from: Tink on June 14, 2007, 11:33:45 PM
I was told by my therapist that the moment you dream of yourself in your preferred gender is when "things" are falling into place...

I was thinking about this on my way home today... about why I don't seem to dream in ANY gender lately.

And you know what? It's odd, but I'm not really aware of my gender now. I mean before, the awareness that I was a boy was a 24/7 kinda neon sign burning my soul every second, but now... I don't really think about it aside from still getting used to new situations a bit. That caged feeling is gone, that awful feeling of looking at the world through a pair of broken glasses, of trying to touch it through rawhide gloves...

I dunno, just Sand In The Wind as a good friend of mine might say

~Kate~

Well, she also mentioned that dreaming of yourself as a genderless entity is a sign of progress (transition wise)  Apparently, it means that your subconscious mind is beginning to shape itself all over again in the gender you identify with. 

tink

Quote from: Kate on June 14, 2007, 11:47:15 PM

Quote from: Tink on June 14, 2007, 11:33:45 PM
I was told by my therapist that the moment you dream of yourself in your preferred gender is when "things" are falling into place...

I was thinking about this on my way home today... about why I don't seem to dream in ANY gender lately.

And you know what? It's odd, but I'm not really aware of my gender now. I mean before, the awareness that I was a boy was a 24/7 kinda neon sign burning my soul every second, but now... I don't really think about it aside from still getting used to new situations a bit. That caged feeling is gone, that awful feeling of looking at the world through a pair of broken glasses, of trying to touch it through rawhide gloves...

I dunno, just Sand In The Wind as a good friend of mine might say

~Kate~

Kate Bornstein wrote that when one goes through a gender change (which includes changing the way you present yourself, even if you feel the same way you did before) first one has to get to a point of no gender, before building up the new one.  From what you say, that could be happening to you now, so I think it's a sign of progress.

I know this may sound odd.  But I never dreamed of myself in my birth sex.  I either dreamed of myself as a genderless being (not very often though), or female (most of the time). 

The thing is I dreamt this way since I could remember, even when I was very little. 

Is this odd.  Or is this why that where my dissassociation lies?

Is this why I felt so detached?
I escaped to my dreams and daydreams so much when I was younger.  It was a refuge.  It seemed things were right in them.

I think from a transsexual point of view I always wanted to look as female as humanly possible. I wasn't interested in clothes or make up or any of the stereo - type traits but I just wanted and still do to look as physically female as possible.

I'm lucky in the fact that I am percieved as female and I still haven't had any treatment yet. Even more so when I was younger and I didn't ever try to conform in any male type role. If I look female in a boiler suit or overalls it's working.

I think we all have doubts on our self image and where we would like to be and I find bits I don't like and the fact that hormones haven't really worked on me in 7 years. I can't seem to get any reasonable hip fat development, breast development or fat re-distribution. I've tried everything, so even though my face is quite feminine my body lets me down.

Kim