Background:

I don't have a gender therapist within 2+ hours of driving, so I had to find one on Skype. He does 1 session for 100 or 5 sessions for 300, so I obviously went with that one.

I came into the gender therapist saying that I think I might be trans because I have this obsession with all things TG and because I have fantasized about being a girl my entire life, and sexually since I was 13. He wants me to quit masturbating so that I can disassociate sexual fantasy with being a woman.

I thought that was unreasonable and my other therapist, psychiatrist, and all of ->-bleeped-<- (lol) agreed. This was his reply. What should I do?

(click to see larger version.)

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You went to this person for a reason, either follow his plan or stop seeing him.  It doesn't make any sense to go back later, you have already made up your mind he is not the right therapist for you.  As for the money, you agreed to the contract, your out of luck.  I wouldn't expect a refund.  You could do the sessions, but what would you expect out of them?

Quote from: Sarah Louise on March 22, 2013, 01:20:17 PM
You went to this person for a reason, either follow his plan or stop seeing him.  It doesn't make any sense to go back later, you have already made up your mind he is not the right therapist for you.  As for the money, you agreed to the contract, your out of luck.  I wouldn't expect a refund.  You could do the sessions, but what would you expect out of them?

I never agreed to a contract though, that's the thing. It was never mentioned. I didn't sign anything.

I like where he adds he has so much experience yet doesn't understand the simple basics.  Everyones experience is significantly different and masturbation doesn't necessarily mean anything.  Unless its the only time you think about it, which I am pretty sure is not.  Seriously, no therapist has a right to make demands its not their job.  He could suggest it but a simple no, I don't believe this is affecting me. Why? Because I know my own mind better than anyone else.

Feeling sexual as a woman is not a bad thing 

I'd fire him and find a new one if I didnt think he was right. As for the money I wonder if it wasn't one of those "If you pay, you agree to the following terms" kind of thing. If not I'd try to get my money back if it was worth it.

EDIT: Ps: he sounds really full of himself. Not a good sign imho.

Quote from: ChrisJ on March 22, 2013, 01:29:25 PM
Ps: he sounds really full of himself. Not a good sign imho.

This.  I mean, hard to tell what's really up with this guy in a vacuum, but all I know is that I have a really good relationship with my therapist and his attitude is totally open and non-judgemental.  In fact, my therapist hasn't even once suggested a course of action for me to take or anything like that, and I've logged a good 80+ hours of therapy with him...everything is more or less what *I* think, what *I* feel, what *I* want....and he gives me his insights and feeback.  He's never once told me what to do.

This guy, in contrast, sounds like a dick.  Again, hard to tell from the little I know, but I wouldn't stick around.

Hope you can find other resources!

Even though he sounds like an arrogant jack@ss, there are three discriptions that you probabbly should not have used : obsession, fantasized, and sexually since 13. Since you already paid the money, you might as well try what he suggests and then tell him it didn't work. It might be worth it to go with the two hour drive to see one face to face.

Quote from: Ultimus on March 22, 2013, 01:23:20 PM
I never agreed to a contract though, that's the thing. It was never mentioned. I didn't sign anything.

I'm putting all my money on "Yes, you did, electronically."
You might ant to go back and look at the fine print.

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on March 22, 2013, 03:47:26 PM
I'm putting all my money on "Yes, you did, electronically."
You might ant to go back and look at the fine print.

No, seriously. I never filled out any form. I literally just called, gave them my debit card, and hopped on Skype. There was no paperwork whatsoever.

Quote from: Jess42 on March 22, 2013, 02:11:43 PM
Even though he sounds like an arrogant jack@ss, there are three discriptions that you probabbly should not have used : obsession, fantasized, and sexually since 13. Since you already paid the money, you might as well try what he suggests and then tell him it didn't work. It might be worth it to go with the two hour drive to see one face to face.

But those three words accurately describe my situation.

I took some time and thought about what I'm trying to say because you're dealing with a lot right now.  I deleted most of this and made it short.  (If you can believe this is the short version.) 

So:
Why would a therapist stress out an already depressed patient, and ignore the psychological advice from others who have a complete patient history?   In short, your therapist sounds defensive, condescending, indifferent, and unwilling to discuss the simple question "Why?"   He may have good reasons, but after you asked the question he didn't answer in a suitable or reassuring way that a patient can wrap their minds around and say "I understand."   He is at least willing to discuss your questions in the next session, so go for it and get the answers.  You already paid for the sessions, so use the time to your advantage.  Unfortunate that guy is a bit unscrupulous and got the money, so you'll never get it back.   

You had said you're in school in a small community.  But if you have a large city anywhere nearby check for a transgender resource center in that city and call them.  They generally keep lists and references for therapists, plus they may have a therapist on staff who could discuss your issues by phone.  You can talk to them about setting up sessions over the phone, and if they can help you it'll open a whole new avenue for resolving your problems.  And another benefit of using these resource centers is they normally charge a fee based only on what you can afford, and they will often waive fees for unemployed or fixed income individuals. 

If you're attending a State funded college then check with their LGBT Resource Manager.  They might be sitting on a gold mine of information, but don't count on it and have alternatives.  And of course, some state colleges also have insurance coverage that's included in tuition, and you may find some help to pay the bills.  It doesn't hurt to ask.

I wish you well, so good luck and hugs

Kathy

Gave my opinion last time you posted. In case you missed it, here it is again.

Your therapist is incompetent. Don't give him another dime.

I admit I'm puzzled at the number of reactions here from people who say variations of "he's a therapist so do what he says." There are a lot of VERY incompetent therapists. Many do more harm than good. Find someone who will help you figure out what you need to do to discover the truth about yourself, not someone who makes outlandish requests.

I've recently had experiences with bad therapists (2 in a row). My current therapist is so wonderful that every time I see her I sigh with relief that I didn't stick with the others despite how eager they were to continue taking my money.

Quote from: Ultimus on March 22, 2013, 03:53:13 PM
No, seriously. I never filled out any form. I literally just called, gave them my debit card, and hopped on Skype. There was no paperwork whatsoever.

There is no actual paperwork to an electronic signature. You sign yours here every time you come to the site, and with every post you make. I would bet your therapist has a document worded quite like our TOS here at Susan's Place:



19. By accessing this web site you indicate your legal agreement with the items in our terms of service. Continued access by you to this web site is to be considered updating an electronic signature indicating your agreement. If you do not agree with the terms of these terms you must leave this site and not return. Failure to read or keep your self updated on the terms of service does not exempt you from said agreement.


You might want to go back and check. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 22, 2013, 05:22:16 PM
.....
Your therapist is incompetent. Don't give him another dime.
..... 

Made me think of something I heard.  Paraphrased it goes  -  Who would you chose for a doctor, the one with: A. GPA 4.0,   B. GPA 3.75  or  C.  GPA 2.5  ?

Answer - Always go with the 3.75 because they're really good and know a lot, but realize they have faults and will always be honest and check or correct themselves.

    A GPA 4.0 will always let you how good they are.  Tell you how wrong you are, and how bad other doctors are.  Then if you fail they wash their hands of you and your problems, and push you off to those other doctors.  Hopefully you end up with the GPA 3.75 doctor.

    The GPA 2.5 doctors are always nice, polite and know enough to help most of the time.  But in school they either didn't achieve, didn't care, or felt they already knew it all.  These are the ones that might make good General Practioners, but lousy specialists.

Unfortunately my health system has a lot of those 2.5s. 

Kathy

The truth is you should never sign a multiple visit agreement until you have had the first visit and have a feeling it is a "fit".

Not every therapist is going to fit your needs, we each have certain ways of communicating.

Its unfortunate you learned this the hard way.

1. Never pay for anything up front. Always pay as you go. Docs, laser techs, electrologists, etc. Never fall for the "package pricing deals" etc. What if the doc takes your money today, and leaves the country tomorrow. Don't laugh, it happens. A friend of mine paid over $1000.00 for a laser package cash upfront, after 2 visits, she went back and the place was closed. They emptied out the office and were never seen again.

2. Do your homework on any medical provider. Ask serious questions. Make sure they have had previous transgender patient experience. Do not be too shy to ask for a name of past patient or two willing to vouch for the provider and share their experience with them.

3. If you feel uncomfortable with a person your are paying to provide you any service, and you think they are not giving you 100%, fire them. It's your right.

The simple fact that you took time to make this post answers your question. You don't like this therapist and you are unable to connect with him. Write off the money to a lesson learned, and find someone else reputable, that you can connect with.

Good Luck!

I don't know why I'm bothering to post this, as you seem to have already made up your mind..

But it seems to me that he is attempting to exclude other issues in order to determine whether what you are suffering from is some kind of gender dysphoria or whether it is some kind of transvestic fetish.

Quote from: JennX on March 22, 2013, 07:15:56 PM
1. Never pay for anything up front. Always pay as you go. Docs, laser techs, electrologists, etc. Never fall for the "package pricing deals" etc. What if the doc takes your money today, and leaves the country tomorrow. Don't laugh, it happens. A friend of mine paid over $1000.00 for a laser package cash upfront, after 2 visits, she went back and the place was closed. They emptied out the office and were never seen again.

2. Do your homework on any medical provider. Ask serious questions. Make sure they have had previous transgender patient experience. Do not be too shy to ask for a name of past patient or two willing to vouch for the provider and share their experience with them.

3. If you feel uncomfortable with a person your are paying to provide you any service, and you think they are not giving you 100%, fire them. It's your right.

The simple fact that you took time to make this post answers your question. You don't like this therapist and you are unable to connect with him. Write off the money to a lesson learned, and find someone else reputable, that you can connect with.

Good Luck!

TITCR, though I might alter #3. Discomfort is often a sign of growth. Distrust, on the other hand, simply will not work.

You entered into a contract. Period. [This is not legal advice, but take it from this attorney, you have a valid contract.] You need not sign anything. He offered X sessions for $Y, you accepted by giving him $Y. He has not breached the contract from what I can tell.

Different gender therapists use different methods to separate gender "issues" from other "issues." You don't like this psychologist's methods: that does not mean those methods are wrong. And that's especially true if this guy has effectively treated others with gender dysphoria.

Chalk it up as a loss and move on.

And he's not necessarily money hungry for hunger's sake. You're not the first. He has had experiences in the past which have led him to develop a hard line on the refund issue. If you disagree, you can file a small claim against him.

Quote from: Kelly the Trans-Rebel on March 23, 2013, 01:14:29 AM
I don't know why I'm bothering to post this, as you seem to have already made up your mind..

But it seems to me that he is attempting to exclude other issues in order to determine whether what you are suffering from is some kind of gender dysphoria or whether it is some kind of transvestic fetish.

That is exactly my point with the specific words used by the OP and what the therapist is probably trying to determine.

Internet thereapy seems like it would be extremely hard on both the therepist and patient. You can learn so much more about people face to face through body language and so on. I have never used anything like Skype but is it really clear or more or less like a grainy slide show, like from what I have seen on television. If it is the latter then things like eye contact, subtle facial expressions, body language and all will be lost.

The best advice that I can give you is to 1. Never pay for more than one session at a time. 2. Ask for their credentials right off the bat. Ask them what they have a working knowledge of, what they are open too and so on. 3. I always ask if the are more of a Jungian, which most are nowdays, or Freudian type Psychologist. 4. If they start writing right away, I don't trust them as much as whether they just take a little time to get to know me first. #4 is important because we are about to let someone into our mind and innermost secrets. It is natural not to want to let a total stranger into the secrets of our Psyche. A good Psychologist will know this and will not rush the process and know that certain barriers have to come down first.

Remember in finding a therapist, you are about to hire someone to do a job for you. Ask them questions in order to find the most qualified candidate to fill that position. Many will tell you over the phone if you ask them. If you are talking to the receptionist, ask to talk to the therapist or have them call you back. If they won't, or do but won't answer the questions then find another one that will.