Hello, you can call me Roma.

I'm a 20 year old identifying as FTM.

The term transgender, and the actuality that there's a name for what I've been feeling all these years, came as a recent surprise, though I strongly identify as a transgendered male.
I have yet to speak with a therapist to get HRT, but something recently occurred to me that I'd like some input on.

When I was 11, I was raped by a female.  Is it possible that my transgender status is because of this past trauma?
I rarely think about it these days, and although I don't feel my best/safest when dressed as a girl, I still do like to wear girly clothes in public sometimes.  But when I'm passing as male, I'm so happy and confident.

Could my ->-bleeped-<- be because I was raped, and if so, should I still transition?  I really want to have my male body, but does this past trauma mean I'm not really transgender, just ruined?

I personally do not feel that to be the case.  When I was 12 I was molested for almost a year.  For the longest time I blamed my desires on that event that somehow it was the cause.  What I found was quite the contrary.  It did not make me who I am it held me back from being who I am. This false assumption cost me from experiencing my life the way I was meant to be. I look back now and realize had that not happened to me I would have transitioned in my youth instead of casting it aside for years as a blight cursed upon me. 

Some people do, some people don't.

I've read about people that transitioned and later de-transitioned because they later
accepted/figured out, transition was just an unconscious way of running away from a traumatic event.

But none of us here can help you with that.
Go to a good therapist and he'll help you sort everything out.
Don't go to an a**hole therapist though, it'll just confuse you more.

Quote from: Roma on March 23, 2013, 10:57:07 PM
Hello, you can call me Roma.

I'm a 20 year old identifying as FTM.

The term transgender, and the actuality that there's a name for what I've been feeling all these years, came as a recent surprise, though I strongly identify as a transgendered male.
I have yet to speak with a therapist to get HRT, but something recently occurred to me that I'd like some input on.

When I was 11, I was raped by a female.  Is it possible that my transgender status is because of this past trauma?
I rarely think about it these days, and although I don't feel my best/safest when dressed as a girl, I still do like to wear girly clothes in public sometimes.  But when I'm passing as male, I'm so happy and confident.

Could my ->-bleeped-<- be because I was raped, and if so, should I still transition?  I really want to have my male body, but does this past trauma mean I'm not really transgender, just ruined?

This sort of thing is best worked out with a therapist.  Did you not receive therapy at the time of the rape?

I can only speak for myself.  I feel that my trans* status is innate (that is to say, something I was born with).  In retrospect, there were clues for me before I was a teen, but I was not self-aware, until I was in my early teens, that I had sexuality and gender issues.

I had no traumatic event like yours.  However, let me add, that even after I recognized the issue, I did not feel "ruined."  It is just a part of who I am.

And if you feel more comfortable presenting as male, what's wrong with that?  Nothing!

Hi Roma,

Welcome to the site BTW.

Sadly many trans* people have suffered sexual abuse but I think (nothing but my opinion) is that the abuse is incidental to our sexuality or gender identity.

If you can try and talk through your feelings and periences with a therapist/psychiatrist who is familiar with gender ID issues. They can help you interpret you thoughts and feelings and help overcome lingering pain etc.

As for how you wish to present or identify as, well I agree with my sis JamieD. Present how you want! There are no rules or requirements. I think one of the biggest lessons we learn in this journey is to be your self and enjoy being yourself with pride and confidence. What other people think doesn't matter a damn.

Hugs

Cindy

Trauma can't cause transgender status, but it can sometimes cause gender confusion. I knew someone personally who once identified as ftm and was very gung ho about transitioning and having genital surgery to construct a penis and all, who later told me she realized she was not in fact trans and she had felt that way because of a sexual assault. So yeah, it can happen. The rape caused her to disconnect from her body and she knew that the rape would not have occurred had she not been female. Of course none of this was conscious on her part at the time. But she started to dress differently, change her hair, everything. She just wanted to be safe. And being male when you're pretty certain an assault occurred because you were female can feel safe. I don't know your particular situation and whether this woman would have assaulted you had you been a little boy instead of a girl - but yes, rape can cause feelings of wanting to escape. Sometimes this comes off as gender confusion.

I think recognizing this as a possibility is a good step. You may be trans independently of this. Many people are sexual assault survivors. Many more than stats show. Many people are both transgender and assault survivors. I'll echo others here that you should see a good therapist.

EDIT: God, this is such a complicated and sensitive topic. I hope I do not trigger anyone. Basically, sexual assault involves the body and the gendered parts. It can be very 'gendered'. It's a traumatic event which can cause disassociation.

What if your relationship to your past trauma affects your self-appraisal abilities which makes you question whether you're transgendered?

It's possible (I'm a firm believer that anything is possible when it comes to the human mind) but unlikely.

It's possible that the rape triggered your feelings of gender identity.

I've survived child abuse and was raped at 13 by two men. The child abuse has delayed and slowed my transitioning due to self-esteem issues but then the effect of the rape has been a sense of revulsion towards male genitalia.

I can only echo what others have said and find a good therapist, but I'm also going to additionally suggest seeing more than one to see if there's a consensus of opinion.

I also have to agree with the possibility of abuse triggering identity issues.  I myself took a hard look at it before making my final decision it shows that your of a healthy mindstate to be able to work through your gender issues which is really a good thing.  I really strained to look at times before the abuse for evidence which for me was difficult since I basically repressed all memory's before age 14.  Eventually I did open them up and well bring on a flood of emotions at the same tim but I found what I was looking for evidence of a presetent female persona and behavior throughout my childhood.

Like others I know this one so well.

I was reacting to my younger brother being born. (I was 5 when he arrived. I was 4 when I knew. But hey, who's counting).

I was reacting to my difficult relationships.

I was reacting to being sexually abuse at about 3. (Wasn't hurt at all. Only remember it because I asked my mother to do it when she was bathing me and she recoiled in horror).

Jealously of girls.

Attention seeking. (Probably true. I have a feeling I'm a repressed show off).

And so on.

Excuses after the fact.

Sadly abuse is quite common, so obviously many trans people would have been abused, but it would be coincidental . I don't think it causes transgender. But I think therapy is good idea.

--Jay

Trauma does not change one's gender, although it may change one's life's course towards or away from evaluating their own gender (this could cut either way, though).  Also, it is plausible that individuals who are under stress from external factors (societal stuff: media, family, etc...) due to not fitting neatly into gender norms are more likely to be targets for abuse of all types, as well as discrimination that makes people more vulnerable to abuse.  It is also worth noting that sex crimes and abuse in general also occur way too frequently, so any demographic is going to have a lot of tragic stories to tell (even when it is not unusually susceptible to such things).

Whatever gender comes through all the noise is who you are, and whatever gender you are doesn't mean or prove anything.  It's just you.  It's natural to have doubts, but if you take your time and have a good person or good people to help you along the way, you should find your answer.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses!

Yes, abuse is all too common, so common it's a bit horrifying to find out exactly how many of the people around you have experienced it.
I'm feeling a bit better about my gender identity.  Whether it was 'caused' by anything doesn't matter, it's just how I am.
Yes, I also agree therapy would be a good idea.

< 3  Thank you all again for your responses.  Enjoy the coming spring~


-Roma

For a very long time the "mental health community" blamed sexual assault or exposure to homosexuality as the primary cause of any deviation in identity....Luckily the profession has moved on and now is assessing on case by case basis.  I was raped as a man several times and later while as a female sex worker I was raped 3 times....My personal thoughts are what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I have never felt the abuse I went through caused my identity. I am who I am because I choose to be,  Me....
It can be a hard place to make personal decisions if you think your course is orchestrated by another's influence. I don't believe you are controlled by your past events but it is present on your mind and that will impede personal growth, irrespective of gender issues...... Love yourself for what you've accomplished and do seek a counciling ear....There is nothing like when a psychologist says your perfectly healthy and thanks for coming, cause they know what  unhealthy looks like..

Really sorry to hear about your experiences Lawreign