So, have you had people use the word "Brave" when they talk to you about your life? 

In the last four weeks I've been called brave by three people who I love and respect.  With the final comment happening this morning.  And in all three cases their use of the word bothered me because I don't feel brave for starting something without having a choice in what I am.   But with each of these persons the conversations became uncomfortable when I said "Thank you, but ....".   

Maybe I was wrong to discount the compliment by saying brave individuals have real choices.  Or maybe I insulted them by pointing out a flaw in their views of me and other transsexuals.   And then maybe I just don't understand what these persons meant, and this is all just a part of my dysphoric perceptions.

Am I wrong to think this way?  Do you see bravery in your transition? 

Kathy

I really hate being called 'Brave".

Quote from: Ms. O'Brien CVTIt does not take courage or bravery to change your gender.  It takes fear of living one more day in the wrong one

Yes, and I freaking hate it.

 People have called me brave, for sure, and I agree with them. There is a lot of persecution out there for trans people, and it's not always easy to take this journey - so, in a sense, I'm very brave.

I believe that this bravery is a very ordinary quality, though, among transitioners. It's not very special to me, but I appreciate it when it's acknowledged.

Yes but I don't think I am

I didn't transition because I was brave; I transitioned because I didn't want to commit suicide or wind up in a mental hospital for life. Yes, I have been brave, but certainly not because I transitioned.

I wouldn't say I hate it, but I do feel weird when I'm called brave. It's as though I had a cancer and I was called brave for getting chemotherapy. That's just normal and the only path to feeling better.

.

I love hearing people tell me I'm brave for transitioning. It reminds me that the reason why I'm having problems is because this is HARD.

It sure beats people telling me I'm being selfish or that I'm ruining my daughter's life. I've heard way too much of that.

The "braveness" does not come from transitioning (though I do consider that a courageous act).

As I see it, it is brave to question why you feel the way you do, and to act on those feelings.  That is to say, to face yourself, to look yourself in the eye in the mirror, and to accept yourself, for all your quirks and idiosyncrasies.

When you can do that, you can then go on to make the changes you need to make.  Sometimes it is transitioning.  Sometimes it is not.  But hiding yourself away in fear is not living - it is dying a slow death.

I've heard it before and it doesn't bug me at all. I take it as I would any compliment, because that's what it is coming from a cis person. They imagine how they would feel in your shoes, and it scares them thinking about all they would have to go through. Then they look at you and you are going through with it, something they might not even be able to imagine having the throughput for (they probably would if they were actually trans, though). I think one really does have to be strong when transition is in the picture at all, and I think other people easily see that, too.

At the very least, I don't think anyone who tells a trans person they are brave intends to be negative. It's kind of like saying "Well good for you for finding yourself and not being afraid to do what you feel is right". In their head they might even be cheering you on but don't know what to say, and bravery is an easy description.

When you say thanks, "but", you are kind of denying a compliment that someone gave you to make you happy. Good people usually just want you to be happy, that is one of the first things I learned in this process. I just say thanks, and explain that it is indeed a lot of work but the hardest part was just coming out to myself and actually deciding to transition, which now seems like forever ago- the hardest part is over.

Quote from: suzifrommd on March 24, 2013, 07:17:14 PM
I love hearing people tell me I'm brave for transitioning. It reminds me that the reason why I'm having problems is because this is HARD.

It sure beats people telling me I'm being selfish or that I'm ruining my daughter's life. I've heard way too much of that.

^^ this :-)

I always accepted a compliment though, even when some thug would come up and say tauntingly - 'I like your sparkly jumper (or whatever)' I would always smile sweetly and say with a very heartfelt thank you :-) - It made me feel good and they always felt miffed that their insult had the opposite effect :-) It also diffused any stand off I think, rather than rising to a goading.

These people are not trying to insult you though. They are just trying to say it must be really hard, so you be putting up with a lot. Yes they don't understand us. That is not a crime. Accept the compliment and move on :-) Maybe explain you had no choice but gettng annoyed at them for not understanding is a little ridonckulous :-P

Steph :-)
x

I get "brave" quite a bit, and I often think of Ms. OBrien's quote when I hear it.

I dunno.  I'm reminded of when the media says someone is a "hero" for something.  More often than not, the "hero" isn't comfortable with that moniker themselves.  They see it as "Just doing my job" or something else humble.

I think I'm going to try not to be bothered by it anymore.  That is unless the context of the word is in something like, "You sure are brave to go outside looking like that!"  Other than that, I think these people are just trying to be nice.

I don't think I've been called brave yet, but my friends have said they're proud of me for finally opening up about who I am.  I never get tired of hearing that

It looks like we all feel a little differently about this, and I'm glad I asked the questions.  But it seems best to politely say thank you from now on, and nothing more.  I may dislike the word as it applies to me, but as Jenny said our acquaintances probably can't imagine themselves going through this. 

I have a cousin, sister, and a very good friend to apologize to.

Thank you girls.

Kathy

I've often been called "brave".  I tell them that I appreciate the compliment.  From their point of view it is a staggering change (ok, so it is).

But, I tell them, that is was about as brave as running out of a burning building.  I could stay as I was and surely die, or I could change.  My choices were really down to that.

I appreciate words of encouragement and acceptance from anyone.  Both because it feels better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but also it means that they have become enlightened because of me.

It's a little egotistical, I guess, but, what the hey...

-Sandy

I always smile pleasantly and say, "Thank you." Inside, I writhe.

Facing life from day to day as an androgynous person took a certain amount of courage. For a while there, I didn't know when someone would call me a name or chase me out of the women's restroom. I didn't know when I would reach a point of no return and not be able to face life anymore. I hated leaving the house and going out into the world.

At the same time, I was a coward because I feared transition. Once I realized that the old barriers were changing and going away, I was free to take steps toward transition, but I held off because I didn't want to lose my partner. I definitely lived in abject cowardice before transition.

Then, when I was so desperate that transition was pretty much the only reasonable alternative, I was not brave for taking it. I didn't even have to be brave to get through some of the less pleasant aspects of it, such as surgery. What I did, I did because I felt that I had run out of alternatives. I had run out of energy. That's not bravery, that's desperation and exhaustion.

If people want to call it bravery, I don't correct them because they probably wouldn't get it. But I know perfectly well what a coward I am and have been, and I'm uncomfortable when people tell me I'm the opposite.

I think we need to cut some slack towards people who use brave. Their perspective is far different from ours. I have used "Brave" to describe many of the people in my group. Hell, I've used it to describe my wife/gf of 30+ years, 25+ years post-op.

I can very much understand not liking that description. In fact, like others when applied to me and my journey, I go WTF??? I try to see it this way, as an outsider getting a glimpse of the inner realm. No matter what, we ARE undertaking and acting upon a course that is pretty much totally and absolutely frowned upon by most of society.

I call it it as I see it; Twice I chickened out. The opposite of brave. While at the same time I cannot attribute "bravery", especially to myself!, for doing what I need to do today. Yes, it takes some conviction to venture out into the real world presenting as the real you. Yes, you may not be the ideal, nobody is! But to hurting TG people that know you, as well as Cis people, what we do IS, in a sense, brave. Not many people are willing to do it knowing the consequences.

Even though I didn't follow through, for the 1970's I was doing a lot more than others inflicted with being TG in an intolerant world. Me attempting to try, I never saw as being brave. I was picked on most of my life for a myriad of things. Yet I chickened out for that very reason. I wasn't emotionally up to facing a lifetime of the same, and volunteering for it!

Yes, the "Bravery" argument, to us, goes out the window when we are faced with "Transition is just another word for nothing else to loose" (Sorry Janis) But for those not at that point, they see as us brave. Their fear paralyzes them. For cis folks, they cannot imagine what it takes to present as the opposite sex any more than they imagine leading a charge at Verdun

Yes... sometimes. I thank them and shrug it off in my mind. In people I confide in though, I tell them I don't think I'm so brave for just being myself and doing what I want.

Quote from: Sandy on March 24, 2013, 09:19:07 PM
I appreciate words of encouragement and acceptance from anyone.  Both because it feels better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, but also it means that they have become enlightened because of me.

It's a little egotistical, I guess, but, what the hey...

-Sandy

It's not egotistical at all to accept a compliment. Actually it is worse not to. When you deny a compliment, you deny the other person's propensity to forward positive energy by returning a dismissive attitude back- rejecting their kindness/effort to bring you to a happier state of mind. When you accept a compliment and show them you appreciate their attention, you are returning the favor of kindness and showing gratitude. It promotes all sorts of good things.

Girls, be happy about yourselves and your choices in life! Be strong, proud women that exude positivity regardless of what you have chosen to undergo. That positivity will only be returned back to you tenfold!