Hello everyone,

This is my first time posting on this website even though I have been lurking for a couple of weeks now. It seems strange to me that I would turn to forum like this with my problems but I guess I am hoping for a new sense of relief/comfort in knowing I'm not alone in what I am dealing with.

Anyway (don't mind me, I'm just writing as things come to mind, call it diarrhea of the mind to the keyboard if you will.) my current name is Jonathan and I am 24 years old. I have been dealing with transgendered issues for quite some time now, a lot like everyone else who seems to be posting here. I seem to be having a difficult time trying to say what I need to say, so I guess I'll start by giving a little history if you all don't mind a little reading material.

Well I don't know exactly how I started feeling this way but as far back as I can remember, I always seemed to have a strange pull toward women and womanly things such as women's underwear and bras, lingerie, bikinis, dresses and even playing as female characters within video games when I was a kid (which the video game characters was something I always got tormented for by my older brother who currently does not know that I struggling with these issues) just to name a few. I always felt the urge to identify as female, especially when asked in school when taking those standardized tests and basically whenever it pops up anywhere else. At a young age, I started obtaining women's underwear from Victoria's Secret and other places and have been attached to it ever since. I still wear them and shop there when I get the chance but the feeling of being routed out because I can't find anything that fits me, just absolutely kills me because that is by far my favorite store. I search the web quite desperately because I'm always trying to find something that might work for me and have it be something I love, and it always fails, driving my mood to places irretrievable. I do have a lot of underwear, some lingerie (doesn't fit me right ), yoga pants and I just got my first bra a couple weeks ago, all from Victoria's Secret.

The worst part about all of this is that I grew up being male. I played sports such as baseball and football all throughout my childhood, and I never objected because honestly it was something that distracted me and I enjoyed it. So I guess it is needless to say that I am the furthest thing you would expect from female, yet it is all I desire to be. I wake up everyday and wonder why I couldn't just be born female and actually enjoy who I am. And the toll is starting to weigh heavy upon me. I struggle with this everyday because not only do I want to be female, I am attracted to females and therefore makes puts me into an awkward stage with all of my past girlfriends and my current one.  The current one is the only one who knows about all of this to this extent and understandably she is hesitant. This kills me too because every time I see an attract female, not only do I find myself drooling (lol) but it also makes me incredibly jealous knowing that I could never be her. This constant pull between genders really places a lot of stress on me and really sets me into deep depression.

I talk with my girlfriend from time to time and she doesn't want me to push this any further than it already is, which is another thing that kills me because I feel the need to try to get to explore this inner "dark passenger" as Dexter would call it (lol). I am a bigger male so everything I hope and dream to be is something of only the imagination and I just don't know what else to do. I am currently seeing a therapist who is trying to push me into the female world and I want to step in so bad but I have so many outside forces that would just rip me apart if they knew. My dad knows and he is ok with it, I haven't been able to tell my mom but who knows if I ever will, she didn't even handle the women's underwear thing all that well. And my girlfriend's family would never understand anything like this and if they knew, I would never be able to date their daughter. From here I don't know where to go. I hate how my life is going but I can never seem to find the way to make it the way I want it to go.

Now that I bored you to death, any support or advice or anything would be helpful. I just really need a good friend who is dealing with this too and understands my pain and struggle everyday. Thank you all for reading this and for any future support.

Hi and welcome to Susan's Place!  I've moved us to the Introductions section. I'm from Boston. Glad you found the site, hugs, Devlyn

You haven't bored us to death. Your summary is fine. Thank you for that.

With respect to your girlfriend, she needs to stand back. You need to look at this or it will eat you up. I suggest your girlfriend is hoping you will grow past it, but that's simply not experience. Frankly, it's rather selfish and arrogant of her.

What you do, how far you take this, that is something only experience will say.

But you won't get very far riding on someone else's bus. If others are not ready to wish you well, then frankly, not wanted on the journey.

Victoria, a warm welcome from sunny southern California!

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Hey Victoria! Welcome!

I feel for you, I really do. I wish you the best with your journey. The predicament you are in is the same plane of existence I have been living in. My girlfriend's.family doesn't get it either, and I haven't spoke to my family in almost two years. They don't know Stefanie exists.

Keep working on you. That's all that matters. Gender issues are a.huge strain on relationships.

Glad you made your way here sweetie!

Thank you to everyone who already posted it means a lot knowing that people read and care about what I am feeling

Man does it feel good knowing that you are using the name Victoria and I finally know it is for me! I just wanted to get back to some of replies i have received and well my therapist isn't necessarily pushing me into transitioning per say, but more so wanting me to try more things in a female nature, like letting my hair grow out or painting my finger nails or piercing my ears. I have already tried the underwear and bra as well as yoga pants, which according to her isn't necessarily "brave" or even stepping into anything different than what I already do as a male in her eyes. Its just that all the other things she has suggested, are all things that are very noticeable and that is not really a good thing especially with my girlfriends mom always being around when I'm around her. So that complicates things drastically.

Also my girlfriend has been very accepting and patient with me about all this and she has already known over a year and a half, closer to 2 years. I understand her strife being that she is a heterosexual female so that tends to make my own desires harder to obtain, especially if i want to be with her. I do love her very much and i am very proud that i have found someone who has been as understanding as she has been for me. So obviously my feeling get in my way a lot of the time and either way i just cant seem to find that happiness that i am striving for by wanting to be female. When i do try to wear womens clothing around her she does get uncomfortable (which in turn makes me uncomfortable and then i take it off ) but i can only hope that eventually she will get used to it and want me to do it, but that all seems like a distant fantasy that may never happen.

So when you say "keep in mind what can be achieved in this area" does that mean i can possibly be a smaller girl from me being a 215 pound 5'10 man with an estimated bra size of 44B? i mean ideally i would love to be a much smaller girl, preferably 36-38 bra size? My waist is small but i have to get rid of some body fat. That i will have to do on my own.

Thoughts?

Yes, on your last point.

It is very common for MtFs on HRT to lose muscle mass.  You can easily lose inches from your chest measurement from loss of muscle mass in your deltoids (mid back), trapezius (upper back), and pectorals (chest).

I guess my question now is what do i do next? I mean after many years of always thinking i was supposed to be female and wanting to be female, through the buying of clothing and wearing them when i got/get the chance, through the relationships i had and have now, and the therapy i am currently partaking in and the suggestions that my therapist made, and even what my current problem is that holding me back (the close minded people), where do i go? what do i do with myself to see if this is what i truly want? (even though I'm literally 99% sure thats what i want) how do i inform the rest of my family? (that one is on me and i understand that. I guess I'm just trying to get some ideas as to how to approach it) What do i try next to test myself?

im just feeling so confused. but one good thing happened today, my girlfriend told me that she accepts me for who i am even though its hard to get past sometimes but that made me happy

please help?

Here's the thing (hi, by the way, and welcome!): You sound like a larger person at 5 10 and 215 lbs. A little fat can actually make you much more passable than if you were 5 10 and 130 lbs, because your bone structure (esp facial) is not something you can change without expensive and painful surgery. BUT with hormone treatment, your fat (or muscle some of which will become a little fat as you lose it) will deposit and rearrange in female patterns, covering any male bone structure. Which is good!But then you also have to admit to yourself that you might never be a thin, tiny gal, but don't forget that so many natal women worry about the same thing! You might be a bigger female, but you might be perfectly passable as such.

The one thing almost all of us here can in perfect unison say to you is that, no matter if we started transitioning at age 50, 40, 30 or even 20, we ALL wish we hadn't delayed. We ALL wish we'd started sooner. So I'd say get a little gender therapy (a very healthy and healing feeling to do, even if a little scary!), and go from there. Good luck!

Hey Victoria,  you are not alone with your feelings. Over the years people always told me it's what is on the inside that makes a person. Allthough I was born with a male part I am very female on the inside. My emotions and thoughts all seem to come from a femine side. I know what you mean about seeing beautiful women, when I see them I dont to myself oh I'd like to get with that. Rather I think to myself, I would like to look like that. I'm a smaller figured person and it's harder to put on the weight to accent nice round hips. Plus, breasts are mostly fatty tissue so a little extra fatty will move around. My breasts are growing but its hand for me to build up that extra to be placed in the femine areas. So be happy with who you are and how you look. In time it willl all come around.    Kayla

Hi Victoria,

Welcome to our little family. Over 10621  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet  )O(