I can't stop watching FTM timeline videos on Youtube, and seeing plenty of them where the guys started transitioning around middle school or something. I feel so happy for them that they had full support early on, but I'm also crying inside. I don't want to reach legal age being unmistakably female-looking or being known by my birth name, as a girl. I never had the middle school experience of being a preteen boy buddying up with other pre-teen boys, and I'd at least like to fully feel male for whatever is left of the time I have in high school, because I don't want things to get shoved aside by college and everything and I fear that they may if I don't get to act while I have some semblance of free time. Yet my hands are tied until the day I turn 18. I wish I could start my childhood over and at least tell them when I first knew, if not at some crazily early age so it wouldn't be any surprise. I want a haircut but my mom refused to book an appointment because we're "busy" this whole week, I want a binder without worrying that it'll be found and thrown out but my obnoxious dad had to give his "testimonial" about some person he knew who broke a rib wearing one. I doubt he knows any transguys, or else he wouldn't be so awful about me being one...he seemed supportive at first. No psychiatrist appointment until weeks from now. I don't want to come back from spring break to hear teachers and students call me "ma'am" and "she" and "her". Thinking about the end of this break is making me want to become a recluse and never leave the house again because if I lock myself in my room, I won't have to hear people call me a girl :c

Big hug, Max.Those videos are the experiences of those guys, and your experiences are yours. Someday, you're not going to care at all what some kid on YouTube is doing. I certainly don't. You are unique,  there's no point comparing yourself to someone else. Hugs, Devlyn

Yeah, it just stings seeing their experiences move forward so early on. I don't understand at all why it's such a horrible thing in the eyes of my parents- I could be off drinking and doing drugs and partying until 3 am and they would be more accepting of that, and my mom said she wished that were what was going on when I told her that's what I could be doing. If they've entertained a couple of odd phases before and think this is just another one, then why can't they try going along with it so they can see that it's not some silly thing that's going to change? I feel stuck and hopeless, and the time I have left until I can leave seems to span infinity. All I asked them for was to acknowledge who I am, and they rejected me as a person and their child, and keep attempting to upset me. My dad promised not to joke around and make fun of me, yet he did so again the other night and still didn't get why that isn't okay. Why is it that they can make fun of me, but I can't say something harmless without both of them yelling at me?

Every day is just slowly getting more painful, and I can't talk to anyone about it in person, save for an hourly session with my therapist once a week and whenever I see my boyfriend, but it's depressing him and that makes me feel worse. Between that and my parents, a lot of the time I feel like my existence only serves to worsen other peoples lives. I wish I had just transitioned without telling my mother, because pouring my heart out to her and having her shred it to pieces in return was one of the most painful things I've ever lived through.

Big hug to you too, Devlyn. I guess it's just a self-esteem thing, my dad used to compare me to whatever person he decided was amazing at the cello or watercolor or working with computers or whatever I was trying to do in order to make me feel bad, and that stuck with me.

Let's see...

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 27, 2013, 10:41:26 PM
I can't stop watching FTM timeline videos on Youtube, and seeing plenty of them where the guys started transitioning around middle school or something. I feel so happy for them that they had full support early on, but I'm also crying inside. I don't want to reach legal age being unmistakably female-looking or being known by my birth name, as a girl.

I'll confess that this very issue was the major thing that brought me to crisis point last year and made me finally decide to transition. I watched those same timeline vids and I saw some really happy teenagers making progress towards realising their masculinity... it made me cry buckets because their life experiences are so much easier than mine. I regret not being allowed hormone blockers to prevent the damage of female puberty; I regret not transitioning in my teens when I finally realised that it was a possibility. But you know what? There is no perfect time to transition. The best time to transition is when you are ready, able and willing to do so. If that's 18, 28, 48 or 88, then that's when you have to do it. Please take a deep breath and remember that if your parents aren't as supportive as the parents of the FtMs in those vids, you need to have quite a few things organised for your transition: not least of which is financial independence. That will come. This stage of your life is temporary and you will stand on your own two feet very soon indeed.

Why not try focussing on your progress, rather on your eventual goal? Transitioning is like turning an oil tanker: it takes a long time and thousands of little manoeuvres. Set yourself small, achievable goals and pat yourself on the back when you've achieved each one. Each one will make you feel a bit more empowered and they will eventually add up to the massive change you want. 

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 27, 2013, 10:41:26 PM
I never had the middle school experience of being a preteen boy buddying up with other pre-teen boys, and I'd at least like to fully feel male for whatever is left of the time I have in high school, because I don't want things to get shoved aside by college and everything and I fear that they may if I don't get to act while I have some semblance of free time.

One of the best times to transition is when you're moving from one lifestage to another. Transitioning in the middle of school, or a job, or a marriage, is very complicated because everyone knew you 'before'. It's a lot easier to draw the line under your life experiences by leaving one place as one person, and starting afresh as another with a new bunch of people who never knew the old 'you'.
That having been said, people can only refer to you as female if you give them permission to do so. You can withdraw that permission any time you like.
Oh, and GD isn't something that is easily 'shoved aside' no matter how much we may wish to do so.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 27, 2013, 10:41:26 PM
I wish I could start my childhood over and at least tell them when I first knew, if not at some crazily early age so it wouldn't be any surprise.

I did tell my parents from age 5 and consistently repeated it throughout my childhood. It didn't make a blind bit of difference: they'd never heard of FtMs so they thought I was out of my mind and did everything in their power to force me to conform to female standards. Despite this, they still reacted with shock & surprise when I came out to them: "Oh, you never told us!". Gimme a break... I told you hundreds of times throughout my childhood & teenage years; you just didn't want to hear me because you thought I was wrong.
Knowing what we all know about your parents and the way they treat you, how do you think they'd have responded if you'd done the same thing? Exactly.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 27, 2013, 10:41:26 PM
I want a haircut but my mom refused to book an appointment because we're "busy" this whole week,

That sucks.   Do you get pocket money? Can you ask for some? Then you could book your own appointment. I've found that involving my family in anything to do with my transition just complicates matters because they're not comfortable with it. So I just go off & do things by myself. And yes, I fully appreciate it's easy for me to say that because I'm an employed adult with my own financial means.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 27, 2013, 10:41:26 PM
I want a binder without worrying that it'll be found and thrown out but my obnoxious dad had to give his "testimonial" about some person he knew who broke a rib wearing one.

I know a guy who died in a car crash. Doesn't stop me from driving over 400 miles every week. I'll bet your dad knows someone like that too and it doesn't stop him either. If you can get your hands on a binder, don't let it out of your sight. Don't even put it in the wash for your parents to find; just hand-wash it in the bathroom.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 27, 2013, 10:41:26 PM
No psychiatrist appointment until weeks from now. I don't want to come back from spring break to hear teachers and students call me "ma'am" and "she" and "her". Thinking about the end of this break is making me want to become a recluse and never leave the house again because if I lock myself in my room, I won't have to hear people call me a girl :c

Unfortunately, they will continue to do this until you come out because they have no idea whatsoever that it's upsetting you. The only way this will ever change is if you demand that change.

Is there a guidance counsellor or someone you could speak to at school about this? It's much easier to stop them from calling you 'ma'am' if you have the support of someone on the school's staff.

Cheer up Max!
     If you have to wait until 18 it's not that far off and you're still extremely young at 18. Try walking in almost everyone else's shoes here at Susan's who have weighed the pros and cons and the cost in family, jobs and friends lost before being able to make that same move that you are obsessing over right now. Comparatively speaking you have the world by the tail Max and your whole life is still before you and not behind you as it is for so many of us.

Actually, my dad doesn't have a car anymore because he's a reckless jerk and got involved in a crash that was his fault and almost killed two people. But I get your point. It's a pain in the rear handwashing things because nothing ever dries in this house; the moisture content makes it paradise to the black mold climbing my walls. Getting that fixed...eventually. Just like everything else -_-

My school is gigantic, meaning that you often meet an entirely new set of people every year and only continue have classes with a few of the same people from the year before. I wanted to start moving towards transition bit by bit and make enough changes over the summer that I could come back to school as a boy in the fall, maybe even tell my teachers too so that I won't have to put up with that part of it. I have a guidance counselor at school who knows but may have forgotten, and I'd love to go see her about it but there's never time. I don't get an allowance; my mom occasionally gives me some money to go see a movie with a friend or go grab a snack with my boyfriend. I was really trying to split what I had between tickets to see my friends' band play and saving up for getting a gift card to get a binder to alleviate some of my dysphoria, but the fare hike on the metrocards is killing me because we've needed to use something around $25 in fares in order to see all these doctors. There's no way to ever park near there, so we've taken public transportation and each paid for our own fares. Which sucks.

They think that not being an adult means I can't possibly be trusted to do anything. The way everything is set up is so unfair- they're less mature and informed than I am, and this is my body and my life, not an extension of theirs as my father claims. I should be able to make decisions that improve my well-being, whether or not they agree with me...but support would be so nice. I didn't ask for any of this.

And by shoving it to the side, I know I can't shake off how I feel, but the work I'll have in college and supporting myself while there would most likely stop me from having time and money to act on anything, even when I'm out of the house. It makes things that more depressing because I don't see any change happening now, and I don't have much time to do anything before then, pushing any fathomable goals even more years off into the future. Every time I think about the sheer number of days I'll have to go out not looking anything like how I should, it makes me feel sick inside. I hate this so much, yet my thoughts always come back to it and won't leave me alone. My mom won't hear me out, and I can't even say I was dressed as a cowboy for a talent show when we're on the couch remembering things because it has the word boy in it and I must be manipulating her. My dad is an utter nightmare to talk to about it; he was understanding at first and I thought he was taking a scientific approach to it, but that took a sharp turn into a transphobic and homophobic viewpoint, and he takes it as either a joke or psychosis and makes like I'm killing him if I bring anything up. My friends wouldn't possibly understand about this and I don't know how to trust them the way I do my boyfriend, but he gets even sadder than I do about it and I don't want to hurt him. So I feel like I'm trapped alone with these thoughts with no place to go away from them.

I know 18 seems young to so many of you, and I'll excuse my whining, but events in my life caused my perception of time passage to slow to a grinding halt, yet even within that I feel it running away from me. I'm not really sure what my future is going to hold; now there's yet another scare in the medical department. It always seems like someone suspects cancer or some horrible disease that will leave me without mobility, especially with the fact that my calves show muscle wasting despite me using them quite frequently and the disappearance of my arches somewhere along the way. I want to get this over with so that if I go through that, I do so as myself and without the additional pain of being known as a girl and being too sick to do something about it. Oh, the melodrama.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
I wanted to start moving towards transition bit by bit and make enough changes over the summer that I could come back to school as a boy in the fall, maybe even tell my teachers too so that I won't have to put up with that part of it. I have a guidance counselor at school who knows but may have forgotten, and I'd love to go see her about it but there's never time.

Then do it. Just do it. You don't need anyone's permission.

If you want to see the guidance counsellor, make an appointment even if it's during your lunch break or before/after school (if that's practical). She's probably just forgotten or your problems aren't on the top of her list. But they are on top of yours, so push for what you need. You need to drive this forward if you want to get anywhere. If you wait for other people to do what they're supposed to do, you'll wait for your whole life. 

You'd be amazed how many people will be supportive and will try to help you if only you ask. Heck, you've even got a perfect stranger in England trying to help you right now.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
I don't get an allowance; my mom occasionally gives me some money to go see a movie with a friend or go grab a snack with my boyfriend. I was really trying to split what I had between tickets to see my friends' band play and saving up for getting a gift card to get a binder to alleviate some of my dysphoria, but the fare hike on the metrocards is killing me because we've needed to use something around $25 in fares in order to see all these doctors. There's no way to ever park near there, so we've taken public transportation and each paid for our own fares. Which sucks.

So save up any money you can get your hands on. Ask for money for a movie or to grab a snack, even if you don't intend to do so, and squirrel that money away. (Giving you this advice may have just cost me my Parent Card, but so what? That's what I used to do to survive when I didn't get any pocket money.)

If you're old enough to get a part-time job, is that a possibility? Or could you do a part-time when you're at college? You could save that money up for the things you need. I worked 7 days a week to pay my own way through college and I still had a bit left over for the things I needed. I'm not suggesting you do the same, but a part-time job will help you get some savings behind you.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
They think that not being an adult means I can't possibly be trusted to do anything. The way everything is set up is so unfair- they're less mature and informed than I am, and this is my body and my life, not an extension of theirs as my father claims. I should be able to make decisions that improve my well-being, whether or not they agree with me...but support would be so nice. I didn't ask for any of this.

Yup. Many parents are the same and it really sucks. The only known remedy is to grow up & move out... so hang in there until you can do so.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
And by shoving it to the side, I know I can't shake off how I feel, but the work I'll have in college and supporting myself while there would most likely stop me from having time and money to act on anything, even when I'm out of the house.

If it is truly important to you (and I don't doubt it is), you will prioritise it. You'll make the time for it, no matter what. Even if you have to eat nothing but tinned spaghetti hoops for 3 years straight, you'll find ways to save up for what's important to you.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
Every time I think about the sheer number of days I'll have to go out not looking anything like how I should, it makes me feel sick inside. I hate this so much, yet my thoughts always come back to it and won't leave me alone. My mom won't hear me out, and I can't even say I was dressed as a cowboy for a talent show when we're on the couch remembering things because it has the word boy in it and I must be manipulating her. My dad is an utter nightmare to talk to about it; he was understanding at first and I thought he was taking a scientific approach to it, but that took a sharp turn into a transphobic and homophobic viewpoint, and he takes it as either a joke or psychosis and makes like I'm killing him if I bring anything up. My friends wouldn't possibly understand about this and I don't know how to trust them the way I do my boyfriend, but he gets even sadder than I do about it and I don't want to hurt him.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to simply not discuss things like this with them for a while. Give yourself (and them) some space to breathe.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
So I feel like I'm trapped alone with these thoughts with no place to go away from them.

This is only a temporary situation. And in the meantime, you have us.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
I know 18 seems young to so many of you, and I'll excuse my whining, but events in my life caused my perception of time passage to slow to a grinding halt, yet even within that I feel it running away from me. 

It's not whining; many of us (particularly the 'always-knew' crowd) had also reached the limits of our patience by the time we were your age. It's very frustrating to be on the cusp of your adulthood; knowing that you feel ready to make your own decisions, but being treated like a toddler by your parents. It's a time of your life that can make you hypervigilant about every little (and big) problem in your life. But just as you're adjusting to your new-found sense of personal responsibility, your parents are adjusting too. It just takes them longer because they're not in the thick of it.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on March 28, 2013, 11:12:32 AM
I'm not really sure what my future is going to hold; now there's yet another scare in the medical department. It always seems like someone suspects cancer or some horrible disease that will leave me without mobility, especially with the fact that my calves show muscle wasting despite me using them quite frequently and the disappearance of my arches somewhere along the way. I want to get this over with so that if I go through that, I do so as myself and without the additional pain of being known as a girl and being too sick to do something about it. Oh, the melodrama.

Yes, that is scary. Nobody knows what the future holds: we could live to a ripe old age or we could all be wiped out by a meteor tomorrow.

I'm pushing forward with my own transition because, amongst other reasons, I am now two years older than my mother was when she first contracted the cancer that killed her. Illness or immobility may be just around the corner for any of us, but we must just keep pushing forward regardless.

Y'know, Max... you have a great sense of humour and an excellent outlook on life which shines through in your posts when life isn't getting you down. This is probably just as well because a sense of humour is often the only way to cope with what we trans people go through. But I'm confident that you have it in you to come out on the other side of this dark patch. Hang in there... you're going to be OK.

My therapist has commented on that sense of humor many times over, it's how I get through things without sitting there and crying all the time. Crying makes welts on my cheeks. Since I can't leave the house today, I have plenty of time to do an early Easter Egg hunt and track down a bunch of unused Amazon gift cards because no one ever knows what to get me for my birthday. Silly extended family, buy me socks and games. Oh well, comes in handy right now.

Let's see...I can see the guidance counselor the Thursday I go back to school- maybe. I'll have to see. Then again they take off randomly and leave before I do. Now, I should keep my student card because it works even during spring break (shh!) since the city is silly and doesn't know when to deactivate the cards. No, they only do that when I'm trying to go home from something like opera workshop rehearsal after spending around two hours on a train. And yet after swearing at the end of last year that I'd never do it again, I'm compelled to sign up for next year...I never learn, do I? If I set up a cardboard box outside my school and the teachers stop assigning massive amounts of homework, I can do afterschool tutoring through the school and make money that way. But the stupid bank told me I need a parent or guardian in order to withdraw money. That's silly, because I have friends who don't need to. It's probably because my mom set up a student account, dammit. Time to recruit random people to be my guardian- like one of my best friends, several times when we've been hanging out, people thought she was my mom. I don't think people can have babies at 9 and a half months old .-.

Anyway, now I'm rambling, probably because sugar always makes me hyper. At least it made the feeling of winter and stepping on legos leave my mind. Off to have real lunch and start the scavenger hunt, because dammit I'm going to order things. Thank you, guys and gals

I definitely think that your humour is a strong point for you, sometimes I read what people put -- not necessarily on here -- but in general, and I can't help but think that they need to get a grip.  Even though you've been through extraordinary amounts of bad luck I've never felt that way when reading one of your posts, you're never just laying down and giving up.  I don't think I've ever responded to one of your posts because I read them on my phone and then think that it warrants me waiting until I get to my laptop to type up a proper reply without smashing my phone in anger, and of course then the little "new" marker has gone and I forget.

Things aren't easy, and I think pretty much everyone, if not all of us on here know that.  But not everything is lost.  As some other people have suggested, try and get a job, even if it's only one or two shifts a week.  I saved up most of the money I would need for a Reelmagik just from my tips from the summer (and I don't think the tipping culture is half as big here as in the States), although I ended up spending it on a moped or something.  I know you need more for T and surgery and all that stuff, but it just goes to show that if you can earn some money, even if it doesn't seem like much it soon adds up.  I'm saving all my 1p, 2p and 5p coins at the moment because I know I won't miss them.  If your parents are going to kick off about you getting a job, or insist that all the money goes into your bank account that you can't access, tell them that it's time you learned some responsibility with your money, especially if you're going to move out to go to college in the next few years.  A lot of people our age don't seem to understand the concept of being responsible for money, and it's an important skill to learn, okay so I did go and buy new shoes (reduced from £45 to £13 though and mine have holes in), boxers and a notebook that I didn't really need today, but I'm also saving a lot by making sandwiches at home instead of buying them at town like everyone else does.

As for getting to see your doctors could you suggest that you drove to some where nearer to your doctors and then got public transport from there so it's cheaper.  I don't know what sort of area you live in so it might not work or make much difference, but I know that would make a difference with where I live.  Every little helps.

Maybe suggest to your friends that you do something other than go to the cinema, because I've not been for a long time, but I know that every time I'm shocked at how expensive they are.  I'm not a big film person though, the only film I remember watching this year was Romeos, and I've only just got the knack of watching youtube videos/TV that isn't a documentary without zoning out and missing the entire thing.  Sneak food from other shops in as well if you do go, their sweets and drinks are a complete rip off in cinemas.

If you manage to collect up enough Amazon gift cards and get a binder, I'm assuming that's why you're hunting for them, there are ways to hand wash them and get them to dry even in a cold damp house.  If you have any form of heating in your room put them as close to that as possible without setting fire to the place, and if that's not possible just wringing it out really well and wrapping it in a towel and changing that every so often will get it pretty dry.  Then if it's at that awkward point where you're not too sure whether or not it's still damp or just cold, share your bed with it, your body heat will sort the last bit out.  Things like boxers can stand getting the wet ironed out of them even though apparently that's a bad thing to do, just make sure you don't burn them.

Don't put things off when you get to college.  I'm coming to the conclusion that there is never a good time to do something like this.  Some times are worse than others, but there is never really a good time, only times which aren't terrible.  Being trans does take up some time and brain power, but I think that the anxiety of living and getting stressed out about hearing female pronouns and female gendered vocabulary used towards you would make things more difficult for you to concentrate on your work than transitioning then.  I know that when I was struggling with this whole thing I was more preoccupied with it than I am now, I'm sort of a stage where T and surgery is going to happen sometime and I'm resigned to the fact that it will probably be in a long while because of my age, and I'm trans, but I am male, and apart from the moments where people shatter my little world apart with the "she"-knife (that feels so weird to write that in relation to me even in this sense) and say something obviously gendering me as female I forget that I'm not just a short guy.  I rarely think of myself as anything other than a normal guy and I'm no longer really aware of my gender any more because I'm confident in who and what I am.  I'm not sure if I'm explaining this right at all.

And with your medical problems just go for it.  Life's too short for us all to keep putting things off.  There is absolutely no way that I'm having a gravestone with my birthname on it, even though I won't be alive to see it then.  That was the thing that really got to me from 'Boys don't cry' and the whole Brandon Teena story, his parents forced him to be buried under the name of Teena.

Going to have to pick apart the house to find these things, because my mother can't just keep some form of inventory in her head of where things are. My room may be disorganized, but I can find something in a flash if I need to. It'd be so easy if she were supportive- I could go over, pick out the right size binder, and order it with that one-click thing without worrying that she'll find out by way of a confirmation e-mail or shopping history or me not being able to change the shipping address or her finding it when I'm changing or washing it or something like that. She comes home and seems nice, even asked me what was wrong after we had dinner and watched a show together and called my dad to see if he was alive and okay (long story, but whatever...he's in a bar, so that means no one is leaving  the house tonight either). But she didn't mean it, and chased me out of the room because I was "harassing" her by truthfully saying why I'm sad. She doesn't understand that therapy can't work if the people around me aren't trying to make things better, too. Humor helps, but right now I feel as though being trans has orphaned me from already emotionally distant parents. I was happy until she came home and did this...I don't want to cry anymore. This place doesn't feel like home, and I  realistically want to leave it and not look back...but what I really want is a mother, because I don't feel like the person who brought me into this world wants to be one to me.