I just found this forum after a particularly tough night and decided to finally try and reach out a bit.
Since I can remember I've just felt more like a boy. I hated dresses growing up and flat out refused to wear them from the age of 2/3 I'd actually have tantrums if my parents tried to put me in dresses, it's all I ever hear about from them. I always wanted to wear shorts to be exact! Lol. Then I was friends with the boys in my neighbourhood, and in the summer I'd take my shirt off just like they did and my parents would constantly scold me, but as a kid I didn't understand why that was a big deal.
Just looking at photos of me growing up, I was never happy or smiling unless I was in boy (or at least neutral) clothes. If I was wearing a dress or anything pink and/or girly I just have a scowl or frown on my face. I've also always hated any time I've had long hair. I used to cry every time it took so long to dry and style my hair (I have thick hair) and I would ask my mum why I couldn't have short hair like my brother or dad. As soon as I was able, I would sneak off to the barbers to get it cut short and spikey which pissed off my parents no end, I always looked younger than I am so up until around 16/17 I could pass for a prepubescent boy, but then puberty killed that (yeah, I was definitely a late bloomer lol).
I actually feel like my childhood was a constant conflict between being who I wanted to be and being who my parents wanted me to be and for the most part I was trying to please my parents and it made my life hell. I also went to an all girls high school, and there was no more depressing an experience than that. For 6 long years I had not one friend and was bullied for being "a boy". It was also a school in the UK so I had a school uniform and yeah, I had to wear a skirt
every single school day.
These days, my parents keep asking if I'm gay, it's actually a constant question from my mum with assurances that it's okay if I am. I am gay in the sense that I feel like a man and I like men, but I don't know how to approach that with my mum. Maybe having this dilemma at the back of my mind as in, "Yes, but not in the way you think" is giving me away as lying when I say no to my mum and hence her continuously asking! I have absolutely no interest in women at all! No guys like me cause I dress and act like a boy, and I get female attention but not interested. My parents also keep getting on at me for not having a boyfriend yet and the pressure can be intense. I live in a completely different country from my parents and I had hoped that would help but they still seem to have that hold on me. I have shortish hair, and when I straighten it, it's masculine, but I want nothing more than to get my signature spikey hair back and yet I know that in the next Skype session they'll just get on at me and I absolutely hate how pathetic that makes me for letting that stop me, but I feel stuck! When I don't straighten my hair it's a tad more feminine and they don't pester me on it so much. And now they keep bringing up my age (I'm 28) and how I can't wait forever. Argh!
My parents are fairly open minded, and they've made it clear to all their children that they have nothing against homosexuality. And, if I was gay I think they would be fine with the idea of FTM; being used to me being a tomboy, I could see them being more open to it, but I know with me being "straight" they'd just call me stupid and try to convince me that I'm obviously not supposed to be a man if I don't like women.
Has anyone else out there maybe taken the leap to become a gay man and still had relationships? Or have family that just seem (or seemed) to have a control on you you can't shake?
I had a night out with some friends who kept going on and on about how I need to dress more girly and how I would get a boyfriend that way and how I'm doing everything wrong. I own nothing but guy clothes but because of the hold my parents have on me I guess I'm only half committed right now. I dress and act like a man, but I still have a woman's name and obviously folk just don't get it, but then again, that's my fault for not committing. I'm trying to read around for advice here but thought I'd openly post as it's just depressing the hell out of me and I'm kinda reaching out. I hope that's okay!
I'm not really suicidal but I do find myself hating who I am every day and I just don't know which way is up right now. Even though I've been stuck with this conflict all my life, with my parent's pressure to get a boyfriend right now, I find each day is becoming harder and harder to deal with! I already have a highly stressful job and I feel like every day ends with an overwhelming wish to cry
.
