I am in a crisis. I've pretty much known that I'm transgendered all my life. When I was a little kid I remember having thoughts like "I wish I could live my entire life up to this point as a girl." And it's so weird because these were just tiny thoughts in my 6-or however years old I was-mind. Anyway, when I was about 12 I read about that transsexual bond girl because I was into James Bond movies and that was something interesting I discovered. I became fascinated and realized that that probably is me. My hips spread during puberty for some reason and I think my pelvic bone is shaped the way a female's is. Anyway, back then I thought "okay, I'll deal with this later." I've always been really depressed and have always had identity issues. Well, not always. But probably around 4th grade, I started having these issues. Anyway, I just sort of lived my life as a boy. I remember thinking that I'll take hormones to take my hips down when I'm 18 and live as a gay man. But that really doesn't fit. I just sort of lived with my problem in the back of my mind. Like if someone mentioned a sex change, I would instantly think "yeah, i'll get one of those" or something like that. But just recently, I'm 15, I started researching a lot about it. I've discovered some things that actually make me kind of sad. Like that my rib cage can never be decreased. I feel like it's really wide.

And I just feel extremely terrible nowadays because I want to live like a girl and I can't. I have a really big crush right now. I've always been very sexual but all the other guys I liked, I guess it was just lust. I've never felt like this before. Anyway, I so desperately want to do something. And there's other things too. Like I've just started becoming horribly depressed and just talking to other people gets me depressed. Like I can't even really function anymore with this on my mind. And I just feel like even if I get a sex change, I'll never be the way I want to be. And I just feel so bad that this happened to me and I feel terrible because NO ONE knows or understands. Everytime I so much as SEE a woman, it seems like I just get horribly depressed. I can't have a normal high school experience. I'm miserable and I don't know what to do. I want to get a therapist and I've asked for one. I think my parents are finding me one soon. I just feel scared mostly that things won't work out the way I want. I know this sounds pathetic, but someday I dream to get with the guy that I have a crush on now. And I'm afraid that that might not happen. Basically, being hopeful like this is what's been keeping me alive.

Or like I have friends that are girls and watching them talk about guys and just watching them be comfortable with themselves, it's just so hard... It's hard to explain. I'm just so jealous and I feel so sorry for myself all the time...

None of that made any sense because it's all jumbled up, but you know...

                   I do know how you feel.  Many of us here have felt the same way.  You are not alone. The therapist will help a lot so that is a very good step for you to take.
                   The depression is very hard to deal with, your doctor may have anti-depressents that will help and your therapist can help there also.  There are answers and solutions to being TG but they take time.  You will begin to feel better after you have spoken to someone, we all have had that experience.




beth

bbb

Hang in there.  I understand what you are saying and I know how frusterated you feel.  It sounds like you are doing the right thing by asking to see a therapist.  I know ot doesn't seem fair, I still feel that way sometimes, but you can work through this.  The people here are the best, and others will have better advice than mine.  Take care and don't give up.

Tiffanie

Hi bbb,

Your story is all too familiar to so many of us. You are not alone and you have come to the right place to talk to others who understand your situation from personal experience. A therapist will be just the thing for you right now to help you with your depression. In the mean time we are here for you. Read the many posts here and the Wiki, I think you will find this very helpful to understanding yourself and learning from others experience.

Good Journey,

Cassie

Hi, it's me again. My parents keep asking me WHY I want to see a therapist and why I'm feeling so depressed and anxious, instead of letting me just go to see one. And their questions could easily be answered but I just CANNOT allow myself to tell them this now because there's still 2 more years until I can do anything about it. I can't have it hanging over  us for that long. I just don't know what to do. GOD, I hate this. I hate my life. I'm only 15 and I'm just going through too much. I can't even function with all this on my mind! It's too much! GRRR. I feel so terrified that even once this gets done, I won't look how I want to look. I'm SO insecure right now, especially about things like my ribcage. I just can't deal with my parents, and having to watch the beautiful life I could've been living pass right before my eyes. I'm dying inside...

Hello bbb,

It's quite possible you might be able to speak to a counselor rigjht there at school.  When I was in high school, we had our regular assigned guidance counselors, but we also had a school psychologist.  I went and talked to him and he was my friend and confidante until I graduated.  Also, the appointments were during school hours, so my family never knew I was talking to anyone. 

It might be something worth checking into for you, at very least until something more desirable comes up.  From what I understand, discussion with the school psychologist were confidential, but you could always ask ahead of time if there any specific circumstances they are required to report to parents...but I really wouldn't think so...  Hang in there...

Valerie

Hi BBB,

You might want to try to tell them part of the story. The issues that Melissa spoke of could be expanded a little so that your parents would be able to see some benefit that you would be seeking through councelling.

You could try explaining that you have issues about who you are and where your heading in life. In this way without giving to much away you will have given something for your parents to help them understand your need.

This is just my thinking and I suppose you will best know what will work for you. Good luck with it all and know that we here are thinking of you.

Shelley