Even after 2 years on T, I feel like people are still treating me like I'm a girl. Which i don't blame them and completely understand their perspective. But eventhough I understand, I just can't accept it. My dad treats me like a "trans guy", not a guy. My mom calls me he and refers to me as a guy, but i know that on the inside, I'm still a girl to her. Everytime i refer to myself as a guy, my brother would give out this vibe like "you're trying too hard to be a guy, you're not a guy".

I didn't expect the people that know be since before T to treat me a like a real guy anyways. I want to cut all contacts with everyone i know and just move to another country to live and start life over. I probably will still keep in touch with my bestfriend, She has always been treating me like a guy since kindergarten, and she's a great person, so she's worth it.

Am I selfish for doing so? Mybrother said that I'm selfish and don't care about others feelings. But I just can't stand the fact that people are still treating me like a girl. Please give some advice

Parents are tough sometimes... even the best meaning of them will see you as your birth gender because they, well, birthed you, wiped you, held you, changed you, were living with you hopefully for your entire childhood...decades and decades maybe of seeing you as one gender. That isn't getting wiped out by your declaration otherwise. My 80 year old mom has no problem calling me she and even surprising me with very tasteful female clothes every once in a while (I'm rockin the best housecoat as I type this, prezzie from her... I call it my Virginia Woolf:) So anyway, she tries and does a great job, but INSIDE her head, I'm sure I'm her little son, and will remain so forever. I don't hold it against her, and would never cut her out of my life for something she has no control over, any more than she did cutting me out over something I had no control over. However, anybody who maliciously and deliberately misgenders you, as opposed to genuine slips of the tongue due to years of calling you a he, should be excised from your life immediately, family or not.

Quote from: GendrKweer on April 04, 2013, 12:51:28 AM
Parents are tough sometimes... even the best meaning of them will see you as your birth gender because they, well, birthed you, wiped you, held you, changed you, were living with you hopefully for your entire childhood...decades and decades maybe of seeing you as one gender. That isn't getting wiped out by your declaration otherwise. My 80 year old mom has no problem calling me she and even surprising me with very tasteful female clothes every once in a while (I'm rockin the best housecoat as I type this, prezzie from her... I call it my Virginia Woolf:) So anyway, she tries and does a great job, but INSIDE her head, I'm sure I'm her little son, and will remain so forever. I don't hold it against her, and would never cut her out of my life for something she has no control over, any more than she did cutting me out over something I had no control over. However, anybody who maliciously and deliberately misgenders you, as opposed to genuine slips of the tongue due to years of calling you a he, should be excised from your life immediately, family or not.

I too want my family to be a part of my future, but at the same time i also want to live completely as a guy and everyone that knows me will think of me as a guy, but that is not possible with the people i'm surrounded with right now

Hi Kimcube, and welcome!

No, I don't believe it's selfish at all. Selfishness is a two-way street, particularly where trans people are concerned. If they want to call you selfish for insisting that they respect your identity, you can call them equally selfish for not respecting your identity. Your brother says you're not respecting others' feelings... but are they respecting yours? Is he?

It's only natural after spending a lifetime of being misgendered that many of us will want a clean break & a fresh start. If you think that's the right path for you, you're perfectly entitled to take it. Many of us have done so, and most of us are much, much happier for it. Moving away doesn't mean that your family has to be out of your life completely: you could simply move to another city where nobody knows you, start afresh living entirely as a man without your history cropping up every 5 minutes... and you could still go back & visit your family whenever you want to.

Sure, when you visit your family your mother might still think of you as a girl and your brother might still think you're trying too hard (how hard did he try whilst growing up?), but would you be happier if you only had to put up with that once or twice a year, instead of every single day?

I'm on a different continent than most of my birth family. We communicate mainly through Facebook and emails, and that extra distance means that I don't get disapproving stares from them... and they naturally censor whatever they're thinking because they have to take the time to type it up. Not a day goes by that I don't hear from at least one of them. Oh, and if I get annoyed at them, I can just turn off my computer instead of getting into an argument.

Geographical relocation will not change their attitudes towards you. Every member in my TG group can tell you about the many years or decades it has taken for parents, siblings, and other extended family members, that have refused to recognize, much less respect, their life choices, to somewhat come around.

Alienation of family and friends is generally the cost of transition.

If you are currently living at home, then sure move out. Sort of how life works in general. Kids grow up and leave the nest. It is not selfish, it is natural.

I don't think cutting people out of your life is selfish, given the reasons you've stated. I don't know the full multitude of the situation, but I know it's difficult to deal with people who should love and accept you unconditionally but can't bring themselves to for whatever reason. 

It might be cruel, but if you leave contact information it's not so bad. They'll get the message, and maybe one day even understand how their attitude towards you is hurtful.

Quote from: Kimcube on April 04, 2013, 12:33:38 AM
Even after 2 years on T, I feel like people are still treating me like I'm a girl. Which i don't blame them and completely understand their perspective. But eventhough I understand, I just can't accept it. My dad treats me like a "trans guy", not a guy. My mom calls me he and refers to me as a guy, but i know that on the inside, I'm still a girl to her. Everytime i refer to myself as a guy, my brother would give out this vibe like "you're trying too hard to be a guy, you're not a guy".

I think you need to be the one who takes the initiative here and brings about some sort of change.

Please don't cut ties with everyone and leave without giving people any closure. This would hurt your family and I see nothing they've done to warrant this action or to justify it. It would also define you as a person who is immature and selfish.

You just have to accept that some people aren't going to react the way you'd like them to and there's nothing much you can do about it. They are just as free to form their own opinions and feelings as you are to be yourself.

Sometimes in life you achieve things by walking away and by leaving, giving them a sense of closure but also leaving them with an option for them to change you still leave that option for them to change and accept you open.

Sometimes introducing some distance between you and your parents and family can be a good thing. maybe some change can be achieved by you not being around, whilst you can go and get on with your life and be who you obviously need to be.

its not selfish. rather it be for LBGT reasons or not. i know others who packed there things and moved for a better life and its ok to do

I've been tossing this around in my mind, too. I don't think it's selfish. I think that you have to do whatever it takes to be happy. It is a transitional period for your family, too. Give them time.
A new country? I am jealous of that. If anything I could only move to another state lol

Kimcube, I see it this way.  Your transition is about you.  Your gender is about you.  You life is about you.

When you are on your own, there will not likely be others there giving you hand-outs.  You will need to depend on yourself.  That's not "selfish," that's survival.

Quote from: Kimcube on April 04, 2013, 02:04:01 AM
I too want my family to be a part of my future, but at the same time i also want to live completely as a guy and everyone that knows me will think of me as a guy, but that is not possible with the people i'm surrounded with right now

Here's a song for you. It's about a gay guy but due to the way most people respond there's a lot of common issues with trans and transitioning.

Please spend a few minutes to listen to the words..



The important bit bolded for emphasis..

He said 'Never wait, or hesitate
Get in kid before it's too late
You may never get another chance
Because youth's a mask, but it don't last
Live it long and live it fast.'
Georgie was a friend of mine.

I think part of the problem here is understanding the difference between 'want' and 'need'. There's a major difference, and in life it's that difference which determines how people respond.

In life you don't always get what you want, and you need to accept this otherwise you place a major obstacle to your own happiness. Conversely you need to live life in a way which makes 'needs' a priority.

You're a guy. You need to live as a guy. This to me at least and I assume to many other people is beyond discussion. This should have been probably discussed 2 years ago, you should have been listened to, this issue shouldn't really be an issue now. But it is.

This is your life, it's your transition and you are the main character here. Sometimes people don't respond the way you want them to or need them to, and this is when you need to take the initiative and bring about the changes which you feel are necessary.

This isn't being selfish. This is survival. Please bear in mind that people take quicker to survivors than they do to victims. Out there in the wider world nobody's going to be that bothered or interested in your transition. There's going to be times when you have to rely on number one.

But.. and please take this from someone who has spent part of their transition unsupported and doing it all on their own .. you're going to need people. I wouldn't recommend to anyone either preparing to transition or transitioning to cut themselves off from people. If other people want to burn the bridges let them.

There's 7 billion people out there in the world. Most aren't going be aware of you and won't really be all that bothered about you. Even when they're aware of your existence. Some will do what they can to make your life more difficult. These are the people you need to avoid. You just need the people who support you, care about you, and accept you for you. These are really the only people who matter.

Thanks for your thoughts guys 

I was very lucky when I came out to mum.
She was offered a job in another state and was not really going to take it, but it was closer to her family and would give me a fresh start.
I was bullied in school, the move allowed me to have a year off, go back and study at tafe and not in high school, but allowed me to get my VCE (SAT score).

I personally consider moving away and starting over to be one of the best decisions I ever made.  Moving doesn't fix that much, but it does give you the opportunity to meet people and just be yourself without worrying about them finding out by talking to whoever. I didn't move too far, just out of state, about 200 miles, so still enough that I can visit my family every few months.