Hey everyone I wanted to vent about my current situation.

So good news! I came out to two of my best friends and they are 100% supportive. I feel like ive had a huge weight lifted from me and its making dealing with this so much easier. After speaking with them I couldnt stop smiling and after I was told repeatedly that I wouldnt be judged or looked at differently my friend chrissy actually said that, since I want to go the whole way in my transformation, that I would have to visit her and become a lingerie model for her. Haha. My other friend trey told me that no matter how I looked on the outside our friendship would never suffer rather it would be fortified because I would be who I truly am without hiding anymore. Im so excited right now im having trouble keeping my thought process straight hahahaha. Omg I cant stop smiling... I feel great!.

Now though my two biggest hurtles are to come. I plan on coming out to my wife this weekend. She has said that now matter how I look on the outside she'd be with me. I love her with all my heart and her me I just dont know what I would do with myself if she wasnt around anymore. I think if I break it down for her, instead of throwing it at her all at once she wiuld be able to process it easier.

The other hoop to jump through will be my mom. I see most MTF are worried about there dads. I could say that I suppose but my dad and I have always had this bond that I cant explain. I almost positive telling him wouldnt be a end all be all situation. I do feel bad though, hes come to me about his kids (my step brother and step sister) about how they've screwed up alot in there lives and im the only good one. (My sister was on meth and had a child by her dealer and my brother has been in and out of jail for drunk driving).  Ive always been the creative member of my family and so easily understanding when it comes to LGBT subjects. So we will see. My mother though.... im scared to hear the words "I've lost my son" or "my son is dead". She is overly dramatic about day to day things anyway as it is. At the same time I feel like if its a good day she might embrace me as her daughter and support me through anything. Its just hard to tell with her.

The plan is: come out to these last two who are important to me
Let the other people fall into place as time goes on.
If everything works out well with my wife ill begin HRT
And begin putting money away so I can look like how I feel.

(I think therapy should be in this list for the purposes of surgery but im really unclear as to the step nessesary to complete my transition. Ill cruse around the forums and see what others have posted. )

Thank you for listening.

-Erin

Oh also! Im quitting smoking and beginning an exercise routine. Yay!

Good luck with the smoking thing.

Thank you.

So I guess im dropping more hint to my wife then I thought. I felt I had all this under control.  She told me shes ready to talk about whatever with me whenever. I think im going to come clean about how I feel on sunday. Were both off work then and should have plenty of time to discuss it in small portions.

I know there's going to be questions and I already know we both will be crying. I just really hope that what she told me before about staying with me is real. Its going to be rough but I cant move forward with my life until I know she knows... for better or worse.

Im suddenly very scared. I sent an email to a therapist here in odessa tx to hopefully talk with him about what my next steps are. Ahhhh! Now I've reached out to someone I dont know in real life (sorry im not shy on the internet) who is going to know what im feeling. I think im going crazy... what is he going to think when I tell him im a girl in a boys body screaming to get out?  Is he going to judge me when im not there? What if I dont say the right things when I get there? And oh my god... (I had to pause before typing this because it hit me so profoundly) ...hes... cute. O_O but I like girls.. its why I got married. I love my wife.... im am so confused now that all the happiness I had when I came out to my best friends is fading. Am I really a lesbian traped in a boys body? Or am I a normal hetro girl traped in a boys body? It would explain why ive never had a sex drive, I mean really I can count all the times my wife and I had made love on less then two hands in the last 3 years. Ugh! The idea isnt disgusting me either and that is throwing me off. Im so lost/confused/alone/cold... im so glad im at work and not at home. I can't do sanything irrational while im here plus I came in a carpool today so my car isnt even here.

This is currently my only outlet to vent this too im sorry if its a jumble of words.
Thank you,

-Erin

I so want to run away and hide in a hole somewhere

I understand and have been in your place.

My Physicians assiatant is very very hot, but then I am BI.

You may want to slow down a bit and give yourself breathing room and time to process.

Health care professionals who deal with TG have seen many like yourself and most likely are an alli. I judged and tormented myself a lot harder in the past than others can ever judge me.

If you discuss TG with your wife tell her up front you love her, will not leave her and need her to help you through this issue then explaine who you are inside. Have lots of tissues and bottled water.

Many people think TG is either M or F and do not know it is a spectrum. Tell her you love her and need her.

Why is a difficult question. Sympathy may not be given. Keep calm, be undertanding to her fears and reasure her many times. She is the one in need of comfort here and not you. Do not expect sympathy and understanding. She may go into denial and be emotionally shocked. There may be tears and lots of them. Her future and safety is tied to your external gender and this will be a transition for her too. Good luck and hugs.

You're doing fine Erin. Lots of gay people get married.

I'm gay and been married for 30 or so years, not a moment of regret. Marriage is for keeps. Sexuality is just a momentary rush.

I dont know if I want to accept the possiblity of being gay or bi. I mean lol if she stays with me then technically I would be gay (lesbian) but the male body has never been appealing to me. Yes yes there are on occasion times when I see aman and think he is very good looking im sure he catches plenty of attention. But this one moment I wrote about earlier... im rambling now.

I will try to slow down but every time I read more about this my head spins. I am finally feeling joy about who I am instead of regreting missing the bus on this years ago lol. Thank you for helping me slow my roll lol I will take each step with patients and consideration.

-Erin

Btw all of what you read are horrible puns. ( Im trying to be light hearted about this instead of staying serious for my sake)