...Or, rather, I choose to go by Nichole? I'm 19 years old and MtF. I will have been on hormone replacement therapy for a year come the beginning of June (done through a doctor of course.)
I suppose I've come her because I'm a little bit lost and frustrated and confused and feel isolated and, well, I'm sure you get the idea.
I'm going to vent for a bit, with a sprinkle of exposition, so feel free to ignore this bit if you want:
September 2011 I fell into a suicidal depression. With the help of my family and a doctor I was able to make my way out of it for the most part by the end of the year. In the middle of January 2012 I came out to my mother about being transgendered, despite being horribly terrified to do so. Luckily, I wasn't kicked out or disowned by her like I was so afraid I was. She was confused and not necessarily understanding, but come that March/April she came around and we started looking for a doctor. With her help and my psychiatrist's help we finally managed to find a plastic surgeon who was willing to give hormone replacement therapy. At this point only the immediate people in my family knew. A couple of best friends, my mom, and my brother. Because of this, the first few months of my transition were relatively quiet.
Of course eventually it was becoming evident to people that I was changing in a way not typically seen in 18 year old boys. This forced me to start telling more and more people. In some ways it was a relief. That feeling of hiding your entire life is truly a suffocating pain. Regardless, some people were accepting, some were confused, and some were hateful. It made me appreciate the true friends I had more than I could have thought, but it also made me sad to see how many people could be so suddenly cruel to me just for trying to be happy for once in my life.
At this point I was in my first semester of community college and very thankful for the community service work I did in high school which allowed me a couple of scholarships that would cover books and tuition. I was still dressing as a boy for this semester, though I was letting my hair grow out. An assignment in one of my classes had us argue a controversial point and be able to back it up and refute the opposing argument using reliable sources and sound logic. Yeah, the class was pretty shocked and in awe about me writing about medical treatment for transgendered people. I did laugh that the only flaw my professor found in my paper was that I needed to use more transitions <.<.
End the first semester of college and the year of 2012! I was proud of myself and had some high aspirations for 2013. I still do today. Unfortunately, I got a bit overzealous at the idea of being uber happy and "normal". It had roughly been a year since I started anti-depressants for the whole crippling suicidal depression thing, so my doc and I wanted to try weening me off of it.
That was a bad idea.
My other doc, the one handling my hormones, told me before that being on hormone therapy might make my depressions issues worse or more sensitive to change, and boy was he right. I fell and I fell hard, so trying to recover from the fall, we returned the dose back to the way it was before and it helped. For a while. My doctor had been prescribing a very specific brand of medicine, but at some point my drug store started ignoring that and started substituting in much much cheaper meds that were a lot less effective. This was cheaper for them mind you. Not us. So I fall. Again.
This time it was worse than before though. Remember when I said I was way to eager to try and achieve "normalcy" and happiness? Yeah, at this point I was starting to crossdressing, trying to learn to drive (my dad was dying when I was supposed to be learning to drive and then I was a little preoccupied trying to not kill myself), trying to do college and look for a part time job. Combine that with a severe increase in public backlash from both strangers, friends, and friends of friends due to the cross dressing and my meds going out of whack? (Also my mom's new boyfriend asked if I was opening myself up to the devil.)
At least I managed to get my driver's license. The dude at the DMV said that I had the best score the entire week.
Regardless, I crashed hard. I am still crashed. This is where I am now. I have reconvened with my psychiatrist and will be seeing my plastic surgeon probably within a month, so I'm starting to pick the pieces back up. I'm starting to get back on the horse, but I seem to have gotten lost somewhere, metaphorically speaking.
Things currently on my mind:
Where do I belong in society? Can I be accepted? Can I properly deal with rejection?
Will I be alone forever?
What am I supposed to do when my friends/acquaintances refuse to acknowledge me as a woman or go out of their way to spite me? Do I put up with it when I'm with them so I can have more time with my best friend who I absolutely trust and trust cry when I'm alone or should I just accept that I can't be with my bff as much as I want to because some of his friends are jerks?
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that the path I'm taking in life isn't normal and that I'm bound to fall on my face a few times before I get it right, but its difficult. All of the friends you've grown up with are entering relationships, getting married, getting jobs, working towards a career through school or whatever, and here I am just now going through puberty.
Having a job, going to school, being comfortable with my body, having potential for a romantic relationship and being self sufficient. This is what I want right now for myself. Sometimes I get to overeager when it starts to come into site, rush towards it, trip, and lose a few months worth of time, which makes me feel even worse.
My mom has moved out and is living with her boyfriend so its just me and my brother here. Since I kind of screwed up this semester of college and aren't in a good sate to be driving what with the changes in my meds, I basically just try to fill the general roll of housewife/mother. Honestly it makes me a little happy to do it <.<
tl;dr: I have self-esteem issues, medical issues, relationship issues, mental issues, and I'm just sort of lost and freaking out and want to hear or see someone say that it's ok and that I'm normal. I'm not going insane and everything is understandable and if I stay calm and work at it while keeping myself in check then I can be a benefit to myself and society. That's what i want to hear, preferably if it was genuine.
This really went on for a while x.x Sorry about that, but I feel a bit better for getting that all out there. So, uh, yeah. Hello!
