Hi everyone!
I've always liked the name "April", so it's only fitting that I'm introducing myself now
I'm 38, so this will be a long intro, but I hope it resonates with some of you:
I've thought about becoming female since middle school, on and off over the years, but I was very shy and dismissed my feelings as fantasy and confusion between envy & attraction. Instead, I focused on school and did very well academically but, in hindsight, I was terribly lonely -- I couldn't connect with or confide in anyone. Of course, my feelings persisted, so after college I figured that "I must be a crossdresser" and allowed myself to buy some dresses, which was nice but soured by shame, secrecy, and (worst of all) how it made me feel bad about my body. It wasn't a turn-on and felt increasingly disturbing, so I completely stopped dressing and started therapy to work on my social anxiety and build relationships. My therapist was the first person I ever disclosed my dressing to, but only as "something I used to do" and a shame-related issue, with my unspoken hope that the right girlfriend/friends/career/etc would make me happy. Well, I'm more social now but I learned that, for me, it's basically impossible to build intimacy while hiding my gender dysphoria, especially when I couldn't confide in my friends and started to envy my (ex-) girlfriend's body/clothes/role. Even though I haven't dressed in years, I've continued to read literally dozens of transgender-related books and lurk in countless forums. In fact, this is my first post to any transgender forum, so this is a big step for me! I can imagine being much happier if I came out and transitioned to female, but I have all the usual fears re: disclosure, rejection, passing, etc. Maybe transition is for me, maybe not. On the upside, I've started to see a gender therapist and allow myself to consider all my options, including the "scary" ones.
Thanks for reading this. I'm looking forward to participating on the forums. You give me hope
- April
