Tomorrow, the 7th of April, 2013, I Eric (Erin) Howell (Schuppert - last name by birth), will be coming out to my wife about being transgendered. I am not sure I know exactly how well or bad its going to go but I know I must do it. Not just for the fact that I've always felt different then other boys but that being uncomfortably locked in this body has reached its breaking point.

Suicide is something that has crossed my mind and I have attempted to kill myself twice when I was in my teens because I thought "theres no way a boy should have these thoughts". More recently its that if I cant be happy I wont be happy.

I dont want to end this on a dark note. Ill keep posting about what and how everything plays out. Im trying to stay positive by saying "im only 27 and have a tremendous amount of time to live my life still... even if that means ill be going at it alone.

-Erin
www.erinhowell.blog.com

If you want to look at it its basically what ive put here but localized.

Good luck!! *hugs* 

Good luck!

Good luck and Hugs.

Suicide is something we sometimes think about when we see or feel there is no way out and we can not cope with the pain. The pain of the inside self not matching our outside and how others referance us. The overwhelming sence of not being able to resolve the many issues and being stuck in pain.

Your have a plan and are taking action. Like a Nautalist, the chamber you are in now is too small and you are bulding another chamber; one larger and one that leads to being you on the inside and how others treat and see you on the outside. You are strong, a steel forged in hell and able to get through disclosure. You have 50 or 60 years ahead of you.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything ends on a better than expected note!

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Unfortunately im here at work all night till 9am so ive still got several hours to stew in my head. Ive been smoking like a chimney to cope so far but I was able to talk with a good friend for a couple hours so hopefully my anxiety comes down a little.

Ill post an update tomorrow how it went.

-Erin

My best wishes go to you, best of luck

Hope it goes well.

All I want to do now is just die.

Quote from: Erin Schuppert on April 07, 2013, 08:51:05 PM
All I want to do now is just die.

*hugs*

It will get better, trust us. Most of us have been through similar situations, some in very bad.

*hugs*

*pats on back*

Please don't, you're every bit precious.
Let it out, we will listen.

I came out to my wife today...

I had this idea that when I do finally hear myself say these words to her that I would somehow feel this weight lifted off of me and that I might begin to live my life the way I've always felt it was meant to be.

No. No. Hell No.

Turns out I feel much worse off then I did before. I'm afraid to leave the house for fear I might lose it while driving, I've locked the guns up, and I've secluded myself to the office where I am playing world of warcraft while popping nicotine lozenges like there going out of style.

I don't want to lose her. She said that she loves me no matter what, but that imagining herself with another woman down the road is a hard concept for her to grasp. I get it, I don't want to put her in any situation that she doesn't want to be in. But its a real possibility that my relationship with her is at its end.

I feel awful like I should have just kept my mouth shut, endured being unhappy, and taking medications for my depression as needed so that what we have right now wont change.

I want to be happy but I don't want her to be unhappy. I know it shouldn't be that way. It should be if someone cant love you for you then its their loss right? But why do I feel like I'm the one losing? Why am I so sad about this? We've only been together for three years! I've had cars in my life longer then this relationship.

I want to move forward with my life and be the person I feel, correction, I KNOW I am, But I am scared to do it without her. I don't want to be alone in this and if shes out... that's it. I have no one else in my immediate circle of friends or family that will stand by.

I feel like I made this journey to a T intersection.. and to my left the road has fallen away, and to the right the road has fallen as well. Seems like its just Jump or turn back to unhappiness. 

I 100% regret that I did not do this when I was younger. I would have not had as much resistance or disappointment following.

All I've done for the last six hours is cry

I have registered for the first time after lurking for a while because I really felt for this post.

While I can't say that this will comfort you, things do get better.  Please don't hate yourself or dwell too deeply in negative thoughts.  You didn't do anything wrong by admitting your identity. Give things time and allow wounds to heal.  Coming out is never easy and sometimes can present short term issues; however, for many, it has brought about a new happy beginning.  Please, don't let things get you down.

Also, your wife seemed to have a positive reaction by telling you that she will always love you.  From what you said, there is still a GOOD chance that things will work out in the end.  If possible, it may be good for you to attend joint therapy and discuss your concerns as a couple with a professional.  I know this has been beneficial for many.

Please take care and feel better.  Even though you don't know me (first post and all), if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate.  I am soon going to go through the coming out phase and I can sympathize with what you are going through.

Update!

Still crying, I'm going to bed now...

Hi sry you are feeling so bad at the moment. Just had similar things going on myself with parents. I cant say i know how things will work out for you. All i can say is your not alone and i feel for you in this. And remember you are who you are denying that will only cause you more problems in the future Trust me i know. I truly hope it works out for you and your wife, but if it doesnt it will get better. You will be sad about it for a while but in the end you come out the other side.

I really hope I can talk with a therapist soon. I'm not trusting myself to be alone at home right now.

I might just deny myself so that what I have with her wont go away.
I feel worse then I did before, I've gone back into hiding so to speak...

I know I'm not the only one to go through this, and I'm sure it's been worse for others so I shouldnt feel like I'm some special snowflake but the internet is only a buffer for so long when venting. I have no one in my life to talk about this with anymore. I am alone.

Erin,

The first week after I came out to my wife of nearly 12 years...and this was only like six weeks ago...was terrible. The worst heartbreak for both of us that we have ever experienced. I actually had a different profile on here, and deleted it. I wanted to erase any memory of me being trans. I just wanted the marriage to go back to some semblance of a solid foundation.

My wife moved out of the house soon after, and in the process we both realized our relationship as it existed was over.  We will never be the husband and wife we were, nor will we ever have again the magic of the relationship that existed. We have history, and that is all.

That said, she moved back in a couple of weeks ago, and to be honest, it has been more special than it probably has been in the 2 or 3 years previous. I think part of it is that we are "dating" and trying to redefine the marriage.  Part of it is that neither of us want it to end.  Like your SO, she has told me she is not a lesbian. She also said there will come a point in the transition where she will decide to leave, though she does not know yet what that point is, just as I am not certain how far my transition will be. 

For now, we are taking it one day at a time, and I am trying to be very respectful of the pace at which I hit her with new information. We almost had our first week without tears last week, but last night was rough as a good friend of mine shared with us that he is struggling with accepting me (it gave her second thoughts, and led her down the road to thinking about divorce). 

The pain you have is very raw right now, but it will get better. It will also get better for her. You should seek a professional counselor, though, if you have the means. They will help with perspective, and also give you a safe place to vent.

Good luck,

Toni

Try to find local LGBTQ support groups in your area...especially groups for trans-people.

If you ever get desperate about "ending it", please please come here and simply say you want to talk...there's a lot of people here who will talk with you. This is something I struggle with quite often...and for me I keep telling myself, "this too shall pass", because it alwaus does. It might be 5 days, 5 hours, or even 5 minutes...the trick is to NOT do anything to hurt yourself during that time...promise yourself to survive the next few minutes...then the next few...and so on, until hope returns. IT WILL RETURN! Just give it some time!

And it's ok to cry...cry until you can laugh again. And know that we're family here, we care about you.

*hugs*

I have no magic answer (wish I did).

No easier here, I have been married 27 years, and I don't think that makes it harder, I think 3 years or 300 would feel about the same I suppose.

Your wife saying she loves you regardless, well that is a win.

But you have to let her transition as much as yourself eh. This won't be an overnight thing for her even if she has no plans of leaving.

It's not going to be easy, but think on this, can you recall how it felt being alone before you met her? I know, in my case, walking home alone at the end of a night at the bar looking for mrs right, or even mrs acceptable for that matter was crushingly depressing.

It won't be an easy journey, but no great journey is all flat and smooth eh.

Of course it is hard for her to grasp. Heck it is hard for US to grasp, why should it be easy for her. You will need to be there for her just as much as you are there for yourself.

This won't be a short trip. If you were single well you'd only need to decide how far and how fast. Alas, you have a more detailed life. Just the way it goes I suppose. As much as I want that easy level of process, I am glad I am not going down the road alone.

Sorry for your pain, hugs.

Your wife is in trama. The news you gave her was something you have delt with for your life and she has had a few days. She has typical binary views in Transg* and she does not know what Transg* is. It is a spectrum and includes many varieties and types. A gender therapist is needed and when appropriate she should attend too. Families transition and not just an individual.

I came out to my wife in March. It is very difficule and she said she will not leave but she can not have sex with a woman. We made love 3 times since. I wanted to be honest with her as she said that was most important. The 2nd time I told her I viewed myself as a woman when we had sex. It was a very big mistake and the person I trust and love got very upset and words such as freak and deviate were used. I remaind calm and understanding ( crying a great deal). We made love 1 time since and are due again soon The therapist said lots of people have fantisies while having sex but seldome are they shared with the other person.

Perhaps going slow, giving her space and reinforcing your love for her can help. She may want to know why you married if you are transg*. I told my wife at 22 I stopped all sex with others. 6 years later I meet her and thought I could keep it hidded and I had someone who loved me. For 20 years I kept it hidden and coped. One day I could not cope any more. The girls and guys here pulled me off the ledge till I could see a social worker at a LGBT center and then a Therapist.

Slow and steady, give her room and show her you love her. Truth is not a gift, love is a gift and it needs nurishment.