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Muuu,

Okay, I really feel like you need to just take a deep breath for a moment. Obviously I'm going to encourage you to try and stay positive.......thinking about your 'possible end' as you put it isn't going to get you anywhere....so let's think about what will. Be PROACTIVE. First, if you feel like you're not getting anything out of seeing your current therapist....make an appointment with a new one. you need to feel comfortable discussing anything with your therapist and if you feel like having this discussion with your therapist is a 'waste of time' then she's not the right therapist for you. Don't give up, just try again with a new therapist.
About the hrt, if you're worried about the pharmacy not letting you pick up your prescription with an expired ID, well, I had an expired ID for a little over a year and picked up numerous presciption for both myself and my son and I never had a problem. They just need to make sure it's you, they really shouldn't care that it's expire by a few weeks/months. Good luck to you muuu. I will be praying for you & really hoping you even will call one of the hotlines listed here on the forum rather than doing something drastic.

Yeah, I'm seconding calling a hotline if you feel overwhelmed. You're talking about permanent solutions to temporary problems. Hugs, Devlyn

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Muuu, just a couple of generations ago, nobody got HRT. It's a relatively new treatment. You are fortunate to live in times when these options are available. Doctors can help you, but you have to help yourself at some point. Get the ID (because you need to), get the hormones (because you need to), and get on with life (because you need to). Hugs, Devlyn

I'm going to second what Devlyn and spring0721.  You've got a long life ahead of you , so please don't give up on yourself and don't even think about ending your life.

* hug *

Muuu dear, if I understand you correctly, you believe your physical problems make you think and feel a certain way that causes you pain, and you do not find that pain bearable, but rather than change your thoughts and feelings you would prefer to die.

It seems you are saying that you have seen a therapist, but they only help people to think and feel differently, not change your body, so what is the use. Its your body the way you want it or death.

The thing is, thousands of trans people have the same physical problems that you have, but have joy in living because they have gotten help and done the work to change the things they can and to accept the things they cant, to learn to know the difference, and to get on with life.

You can do this too if you want. Thousands of us will tell you that life, and the joy of being yourself even with physical problems, makes it all worth it.

I work as a prescribing medical practitioner. I don't understand what not having an ID has to do with anything. First, you don't need an ID to seek or receive medical care, so this is a non-issue. If you have already established care with a provider, it is even more so less than an issue because they already know who you are. Secondly, you do not need an ID to pick-up a prescription, which is only required for narcotic class medications, of which any HRT medication are not, and even then the pharmacy does not care about the expiration date on the ID. These only apply to the US, so if you reside elsewhere it may be different in your locale. If you do reside in the US every state has a way for an individual to obtain an ID (not drivers license), which is inexpensive and very easy to obtain. If you live somewhere else I am sure there are still ways to obtain both care and HRT without an ID and for you to update you ID in a timely manner. Seems a little extreme to be fatalistic about something which has a likely solution and to think death and suicide as potential solutions to the problem is denying yourself of all the benefits of living, continuing on HRT, and becoming who you really are. I hope you are able to find some solutions and happiness.

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Why can't you get a new ID?

I don't want to sound preachy (I know what it's like to people give advice you feel is unnecessary), but suicide is NEVER a solution.  There is so much to live for and it is well within your reach.  Sometimes things are not as easy as we wish.  Sometimes things are unfairly challenging and the cards are against you.  But, there is always a way to improve your situation if you work towards it and try. 

In terms of the ID issue, I haven't heard of people being denied medication for this.  I am not an authority on this issue, but most pharmacies don't require you to provide a license or ID for pick ups in my experience.  However, I am in the US, so things may be different.  If you are willing to share, what country are you in?  I will look it up to the best of my ability.  But even without knowing the particular country, I highly doubt you would be denied medication for this reason. 

I know this is all hard, but please don't hurt yourself and try to be positive.  And remember, even when it gets bad, there are people here for you.

"Being told how spoiled I am, how much more privileged I am than others and that I don't have any right to complain or feel bad, really isn't going to make anything better"

I didn't say any of that. Your attitude is poor, and do not put words in my mouth. Growing up is the only thing holding you back. You act lke an infant that has lost their pacifier.

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Unfortunately, I am not certain if they would accept an expired card.  However, if this is something that may be hinder your transition, why not get a new ID?  I understand the social anxiety may be very hard, but isn't it better to get the ID and make some progress?  Clearly this is something important to you if you are considering harming yourself if you can't get hrt.  While it may not be easy, isn't renewing the ID and getting the medication a better solution than the alternative? 

P.S.  I am not trying to belittle the situation because I don't know your level of S.A or the difficulties of ID renewal.  I just hope you can see that there are solutions available if you are willing to go forward.   

I do not understand? You isolate at home, you won't go out to get done what needs to be done, but then you complain about it all. We all have to make choices which are difficult. None of us will say going through transition is easy and each one of us has had to fight one particular battle or another to transition. Either you make the choice to resign yourself to hiding from the world and not doing what you know you what you need to do and continue to complain and make excuses, or you make the conscious decision to do what is necessary for you to progress. It is your choice and no one else's. You can put the blame and excuses on other people, your anxiety, certain laws, etc., etc., but it comes down to you and your individual decisions and facing your anxiety and fears. You alone can only do this. If you need a new ID and HRT is important to you then you will find a way to get away from your isolation, anxiety, fears, and excuses. In essence don't complain you will always look like a male when working towards changing it means hiding in your house and not facing your anxiety and doing a simple task such as going to the tax office to renew your ID. What is more important complaining, hiding, and continuing to suffer from anxiety or the HRT and attempting to becoming whom you want to be?

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muuu, I'll bet that if you had to get that new ID in order to help someone you care about who is really in need, you would set your fears aside and just do it.

Well, there is someone who needs your help in just that way. It's your future self, your better self. The amazing and wonderful woman you want to become.

She is depending on you. Her very existence is being threatened, and you need to rise to the occasion. Go get that ID for her!

Self acceptance is such a vital part of transition in my opinion, and you do seem to be such a long, long way from that (this is merely an observation from a distance, based on rather flimsy evidence, and in no way meant as a criticism). No amount of opinions or feedback from others, either positive or negative, can ever make much difference to you until you start accepting all of who and what you are.

Self acceptance comes easier to some than it does to others but it is something that is with in your power to change even if it may require counselling help. Just take the first small step towards embracing all that you really are and it will be easier to take the next one, and the ones that follow and in time the physical limitations you see at the moment won't seem half as important as they do now. I expect you already know that to base your view of any woman's identity on, for example, a square jaw or a prominent brow line is demeaning to them. It isn't fair and decent to do it to others so why be so hard on yourself?

I wish you the very best in finding your way forward. My intention was to try and contribute to the help others are giving you and I apologise if anything I said offended you.

xx

You live in one of the most forward-thinking, liberal countries in the world. They'd prob even pay for FFS or other things so I'm sure whatever physical issues you have they'd take care for free. JEEZ. I could say a lot more but saying you're going to kill yourself rather then have your picture taken is a bit too much, because that is essentially what you're saying. I bet if you called someone they'd even make special arrangements for you. I know a lot about Sweden and maybe I've been lied to but it's supposedly super nice and accommodating. Please seek help immediately. Your thoughts are scary and there are meds that you could take to help.

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