Much as I hate to admit it, but in my life, the problem of being seen as female, in a woefully atypically male form, just isn't the biggest problem in my world/life.
I admit it, I think about it all day every damn day lately.
But if I had to choose about being bummed out that I can't realistically wear atypical female fashions thanks to the shape of my body in key locations, or hating on my feet for having lateral sheer stress problems (that is a quote from the doctor), well I'd rather not have the feet problem eh. Because even if I had feet in female size, I can't logically wear high heels, not with these feet. I can just imagine being made to put all of my weight on my heels. I walk with a slow pace mainly as I am walking by putting my foot down either flat or front of my foot first. My heels also suffer from a bizarre over kill in dry cracked skin that feels like cuts. So when my feet are not hurting just being on them, they hurt if I walk on them in certain ways.
Being annoyed I can't get high heels in my size, is NOT a real problem, as I can't picture being able to endure walking in them any way.
And that is just the first entry in a long list.
If I had to choose between a shop and a mediocre house where I could spend all day doing woodworking for no one, all so I could eventually donate my efforts simply as I could never produce fast enough to be financially self supporting.... or being given the funds for laser hair removal, and a complete wardrobe rebuild by a pro and make up instructions as well as being given HRT and put in line for SRS. Well admittedly I would need to think for a while, but, truth be known, the shop probably wins.
As incredible as that may seem.
Because long before I had a need to be seen as female, I had a need to feel like I had some form of worth at all.
I am a cabinetmaker, and I have no way to be one. I had my worth stolen from me in the 90s by my health.
I want my worth back.
I can deal with people mistaking me for a his and a him and a mister or sir.
But I have suffered a great deal losing out on my feelings of worth.
I am not sure how many of you are in my position, ie nothing to do most of the day.
I would love to spend most of my day too busy making something, to be able to focus on what to wear later when I call it for a day.
I would love to spend all day in a shop, covered in sawdust and wearing clothing meant to deal with sawdust and wood stain, and glue, and not the eyes of strangers wondering about why I had on what I had on.
But I am defacto retired. I am not expecting to escape my condition.
When they were assessing me for my pension, they constantly asked me, well what work can you do? I had trouble getting through to them, I don't NEED your work, I'm an employer, I have no intention of working FOR someone, I had every intention of running a business.
I tell people I am a 51 year old senior citizen. I basically look like one. I can be found in a Tim Horton's sipping a hot chocolate, surrounded by seniors as the location I pick is right near a major seniors condo complex. I fit right in. It will just be a few more years though before I get added to the seniors pension ranks.
And I have all damned day to ponder things. Which likely explains why I spend all day tormented by not having breasts, and having a penis that thinks it's a good way to kill time.
Ideally, I think I would not have near as much trouble with being transgender if I wasn't disabled.
First off, I wouldn't be online much, too busy in the shop for it. The company web page would be someone else's trouble.
I wouldn't be worried about employers, I'd be the employer, and if you had a problem with my looks, well you could always get another job eh.
I'm basically not even vulnerable to the problems that many have to cope with.
I am not in a new relationship. I've been married 27 years. It's fairly strong.
I am not vulnerable through little children, my son is an adult now. No one is going to take him from me under any circumstance, he goes where he decides now. There's no school hassles in my life now.
I don't have office issues.
I am not at risk for just about anything typical really.
I don't need acceptance from a church as I am not religious.
I am not going to be booted from a biased club as I am not a member of any.
Thanks to the internet I can basically shop online if I needed to, but I don't see it being a problem as the staff at all my local establishments seem rather friendly.
I haven't actually lost a single friend or family member yet as a result of my informing them of my situation (that I am aware of).
My being a female in a male form, has been to me, on par with being born short and not from a wealthy family, not really as severe as my health issues much as I hate to say it.
It DOES bother me, and bother me a great deal, that I can't wear the right clothing, because even if society could handle it, I'd still look ridiculous all the same. Because lets face it, plenty of cis females also can't just wear what they want to wear sometimes. And the ones that ignore the truth of that, DO get laughed at.
I AM concerned about the social injustices of a wide range of issues that confront a lot of the transgender community.
But so many of them are issues that really can't target me as readily.
Bathrooms for instance. I spend, on average, if I am out of the home at all, very little in the way of time needing a bathroom use. Heck half of the time I go into the men's room of a place like Tim Horton's, I am in there for just long enough to look in a mirror to see if my hair is in need of fussing.
My mom's is in the middle of my route. I usually can go long enough to not need a rest room.
I have no work place the worry over.
I am usually at home.
Just about all of my transgender journey, is an internal issue and not really subjected to outside forces.
I am essentially the sort of person that won't take someone's crap connected to my being female.
The only opinions I am dealing with, come from between my ears.
