If you have transitioned before you have children, have you told them, and if you don't have kids yet, will you tell them?

I certainly plan to have children in the future once I have fully transitioned, but I'm not sure whether or not I'd tell them about my past. To them, I will just be Daddy, Dad, whatever. At what age would be suitable to tell them, if to tell them at all? If they ask to see my baby pictures or teenage years, what do I say? I'm way too young to be thinking about this, but it's on my mind nonetheless.

I would tell cause I dont think I need to hide.

We're about the same age I think, and I think about this too.  I'm hoping that I can work out some way where they know that being trans is normal, and that I'm just as much of their father as any other kid's are even though I didn't biologically create them.  I wouldn't like to hide it because having things hidden from me really, really hurt.  I was screwed up for months after finding out that my parents had planned when they wanted their child and I accidently came along a couple of years before then while my mother was on birth control.  It's not the same as being trans, and I wasn't in a good place at that time at all, but if something as common as an accidental birth can mess someone up then I'd hate to know what it's like finding out that your father isn't biologically your father and that he was FAAB.  I'd want my child to be open minded about all things like this anyway, so while I'm planning on being stealth in the future and leading a normal male life I'd want my kid to understand that part of my life as well.

I don't know how I would actually go about it, I'd not want them to be outing me all the time at their school by saying that their "Daddy's a girl" or something, but by that point I seriously hope that I'm completely passing so no one would believe them anyway.  I wouldn't want there to have to be a big sit-down talk though because our families never done that, and both me and my girlfriend (assuming that we're both still together by that point) want a family that's completely open and relaxed about everything.  I think it would just be something that we didn't hide and let them know things more and more as they grew up so it wasn't a huge shock to them, and they knew that it was okay to come and talk to us about things rather than turning to the internet, although I know that they'll probably do that anyway when they reach their teens.

Some people probably want to go deep into stealth and not tell them until they're sure that they won't mention anything, but that really goes against my ethics for a family and the childhood I wished I had.  Obviously you have to keep something from your children until they're older, they don't need to know details about surgeries or anything, but I can't see any reason why it would hurt them to grow up with that knowledge.  And you never know when they might decide to run off with a packer, or ask the awkward question of "Why does daddy's willy come off?"

Anyway, who knows what society will be like then.  One of my English teachers recently passed away in her late fifties, a year after she'd had a son with her partner, the other English teacher at my school.  That got me thinking about how much society has progressed lately for gay rights -- they were both women -- and how having a child with her wife, a house together and a job where everyone knew and no one cared would only be a distant dream.  It's a bit off topic, but I wondered what she'd been thinking at our age on the topic of children and what to tell them when they asked why they didn't have a father, and how much what she thought then varied to what her wife's going to tell him.  With society moving how it is our plans now could soon become redundant, so I'd not stress about it too much.

ill tell my kids but ill tell them slowly like daddy is a special man because he wasn't born a man. i would expand on things when it came up.

I would, mostly because if I hide it, and my kids found out, they would get the message that being trans is something that should be hidden. But I'd also have to explain to them that it isn't something you can tell just anyone, that it's something you only tell people you love and trust completely because while it is not something to be ashamed of, it is something personal.

I don't know what age they would know at. I'd honestly just gauge it by the level they're at mentally, how they relate to the world, and the depth of understanding they appear to have about other things.

The way I see it is that they're your children, they deserve for you to be open and honest with them so they can be open and honest with you. Hiding it will only make them feel hurt and resentful if they find out on their own too. Hiding things from kids can cause a lot of trust issues in a parent - child relationship. Opening up to your child about your experiences like transitioning will help them through their own experiences in life. I think it would make them respect and trust you more too if you shared something personal like that with them so they won't be as afraid to come to you when they're seeking advice about difficult things. I agree that they shouldn't be given the impression that being trans is something to hide too.

If I had kids, I would probably wait until they were teens to tell them, right around or before puberty. I would make it a point not only to tell them but also to help them find out if they were comfortable with their own gender so that if they weren't, they could transition as soon as possible rather than waste half of their life in the wrong body being afraid to tell people that they're trans which is what I did.

Yeah, I plan on telling any children I may have.

I don't think it'd be unfair not to tell them, though. Some people don't feel comfortable discussing their trans experience, even with people they're very close to.

I think that if I didn't tell them they would find out anyways.  More than likely from a relative.

So, I think it would be better to tell them myself.

Well, considering that I'm cutting myself off from the past, I could certainly remain stealth even to my nonexistent hypothetical kids. Would I want to? Dunno. Wouldn't want them seeing me as any less of a man, it might be a learning experience or it might be confusing if they're too young, angering on the other hand if they're a little older. They might feel like they've been lied to, or just not understand, because I don't know what they'd be like. But...what if I never tell them? Wouldn't that be lying, or is it okay because this time in a female form is a lie? I'd feel bad, keeping that secret, but it's not like I don't harbor many of them already. What happens if they ask where my mommy and daddy are, do I tell them about the years of torture I've suffered at their hands and give them nightmares about it?

It's a tough call for me, and hell, I don't even know if I'd want to be out to their mother (or father, I don't mind either way), even though that'd be hard to do especially considering the lower surgery results we currently have. I think a partner might find out, unless one came up with some crazy story about a birth defect- but why? This is why it sucks to be trans, you don't want them to see you differently but there's always that background separating you from cisfolk and you want to tell those close to you, but you also don't want to and wish you didn't have to.

So, would I? Hell if I know. If I ever do settle down and have a family, I'll find out and get back to you guys on that one.

Right now i dont think i want kids, but if i do i probably won't tell them. if i do it will be once they are like 20 or 30

After completing transition, I really wish to cut off from my past. I would really dislike anyone to consider me any lesser of a man. If things go alright with me, and I be lucky enough to settle down with my girlfriend starting a family, I wouldn't want my kids to know that I wasnt born a man and think their dad is less capable enough doing of anything. But yes, it is normal to be a trans, and hiding this fact solely give an impression that being trans is something wrong, an outlaw. This got me thinking.

Since we would want to live in a society that accepts us just like any regular person, charity begins at home. Maybe someday when my hypothetical kids grow up mature enough to understand things, I might tell them.

I would tell them as soon as the subject of bodies, body parts, and gender, in a very neutral way.  Little kids are so matter of fact, they just go OK and move along.  It becomes no big deal to them. 

Jay

I have two kids, both in High School but I'm only transitioning now. I wish I'd done it when I was younger but hey, it's better late than never. I do recommend telling them (because you have nothing to be ashamed of), but I don't recommend waiting until they are teenagers before doing so.

My kids are at that awkward age where everything I do is hugely embarrassing for the, so coming out to them at their current ages wasn't ideal. Every child is different, but I would recommend that the best age to tell them is between ages 8-10. That way, they're mature enough to not yell "Daddy was born a girl!!1!" to everyone they meet; but they're also not full of the kind of teenage angst that could make them hugely embarrassed.

We had to keep a pretty important secret from my eldest daughter: she was one of identical twins, but the other one died before birth. We wanted her to know this but we wanted her to be mature enough and emotionally stable enough to cope with the news. We told her just after her 10th birthday... and it was the perfect age for her. We waited until then to give her twin a middle name: our daughter chose it for her.

I think one of my biggest hangups about transitioning is the fact that I want children. I have always wanted to adopt, but going with a surrogate and my bio husband's genetic stuff is something I've become open to, as well.

However, having grown up in the South and in a very conservative family where homosexuality is considered a sin, a choice, and disgusting I'm super sensitive to the fact that I am a gay man. I worry about having a gay partner, raising children, and our children being ridiculed and bullied because of the adults choices. These were things I saw growing up, and while I realize it's as easy as living somewhere that's healthy for the relationship and the children AND the fact that society is becoming more open minded every year, it's still a fear of mine.

To answer the question, yes. There will be lots of questions from the kids 'Why are there two dads when Johnny only has one?'

Quote from: FTMDiaries on April 08, 2013, 11:35:18 AM
I have two kids, both in High School but I'm only transitioning now. I wish I'd done it when I was younger but hey, it's better late than never. I do recommend telling them (because you have nothing to be ashamed of), but I don't recommend waiting until they are teenagers before doing so.

My kids are at that awkward age where everything I do is hugely embarrassing for the, so coming out to them at their current ages wasn't ideal. Every child is different, but I would recommend that the best age to tell them is between ages 8-10. That way, they're mature enough to not yell "Daddy was born a girl!!1!" to everyone they meet; but they're also not full of the kind of teenage angst that could make them hugely embarrassed.

We had to keep a pretty important secret from my eldest daughter: she was one of identical twins, but the other one died before birth. We wanted her to know this but we wanted her to be mature enough and emotionally stable enough to cope with the news. We told her just after her 10th birthday... and it was the perfect age for her. We waited until then to give her twin a middle name: our daughter chose it for her.

I think coming out and transitioning while they are teenagers is a highly different situation than having transitioned before they were born and waiting until they are teens to tell them.  In the first situation all of their peers known you as their mom so there's that embarrassment factor.  In the second situation all of their peers have known you as their dad so nothing is changing and no one but you and your child will even know or need to know. 

If possible I will wait till mid-teens to tell any children I may have. 

It's hypothetical, since I don't want more kids*, but yes. I'd tell them. They would know that the pic of a girl om my mom's wall is me.

*I have a teenager, now that he's ready to leave the nest, I'm DONE.  :p

Always better to be honest and up front in these issues. I think we should give children the respect and credit they deserve. There is the concern of bullying when other children find out so be aware of that but do not let that prevent honesty.

Personally, though may not want to (due to the fact it shouldnt be the case in the first place), I think its best they know rather than find out themselves one day and feel they had been lied to/betrayed. Same idea really of whether you tell them they're adopted or not. I think they should know. I wouldnt want to keep anything from them. I think its best to bring them up to be respecting of everyone no matter how 'different' they are. Something most people dont seem to do and why people make fun of others because they havent been educated properly. Anyone outwith the social norms to them just get made fun of or worse. If you can help them to understand its normal to be different then they shouldnt take your telling them badly. Theres no such thing as 'normal' really, everyone is different in their own way

My girlfriend and I plan to adopt a daughter at some point in the future. We will bring her up to be understanding and accepting of people no matter what. Thats the way we both are (though I wasnt as a kid and I regret alot about my past) As of when is best to tell her though I really have no idea and thats a problem right now. Not that Im ashamed, I just shouldnt be like this to begin with, but its for her sake. I wouldnt want it to upset her and think she didnt have a dad anymore or something if it were to be taken in that way. I have no idea how a kid would react to this. I wont keep it from her, I just dont know when or how to tell her. Technically no one really needs to know besides my gf but I want to be honest too and not feel Im always keeping something from everyone. I would hope it wouldnt be spread to anyone else though, again for her sake I wouldnt want her to have to go through being bullied because of me. I dont want to talk about my past at all once I've fully transitioned but I still feel she should know at some point

Wheat- thins,

it sounds like you and I are in a similar position. Have you told your teens? How did they react? The embarrassment I might cause them is one of the things that give me pause about going ahead a transitioning.

Quote from: henrytwob on April 12, 2013, 08:19:07 PM
Wheat- thins,

it sounds like you and I are in a similar position. Have you told your teens? How did they react? The embarrassment I might cause them is one of the things that give me pause about going ahead a transitioning.

I don't have children at the moment.  When I do have children I will already be fully transitioned.