In the last two nights ive been working ive been alone in a truck for close to 9 hours each night... stuck in my head.... reading about trans-everythings... ive had two full blown panic attacks... both for roughly an hour and a half. Im smoking like a chimney. ... and I have my next sit down with my therapist on monday.

Hes nervous about me because I carry a gun at work. I cant get away from my work environment since we are so short staffed. This is my second 6 night stretch before I get two nights off. Theres no one here but us guards and I have no one to talk to since everyone I know would disapprove of me or are asleep.

This is nothing more then a rant. Oh and because the other guys here are always somewhere near by I cant work on my voice ... I need a new job that will pay the bills and I need friends lol.

I lost my job 4 years ago. Fortunately I was able to find a replacement. Unfortunately it was 350 miles away. I had to move from just outside NYC to rural WV. My wife had to stay behind, guard the house, and bark at strangers.

I am a shy very closed person like many T folks. A stranger in a very strange land. All my work mates have families to go home to. All scattered about a 50 airline mile radius from work. So I was left with waaaaay too much time alone with my thoughts. Which I fixed that by eating and drinking too much.

I needed that experience. If it weren't for that isolation, working a job for the first time in 30 years I can do asleep, not half but about all my brain tied behind my back and still outshine all the other engineers, I lost the big 3. The tools I used to avoid thinking about the demon within I carried since early childhood. I had no more Diversions, Distractions and denial.

After much self examination I came to realize pretty much all of my life's major disasters were the result of being trans and the behavours I honed to hide and cope with it. I came to realize I cannot go on that way. It doesn't work. It never really worked. Over the course of my life I became a lifeless robot, existing with no joys, no happiness. My only mission to work  to pay bills as well as work to not think about things I don't want to think about.

The solution I determined was to take the beast head on. Great! I moved from just outside NYC to hillbilly country. Undetered I searched. I tried every concievable combination of terms for TG support. It took about three months before stumbling across a local, local being 90 miles away, TG group. That first meeting marks the day my life changed.

Since about the age of 12 I've been reseaching and reading a lot of info on TG, tried experimenting twice in my 20's with transitioning, even had romantic relationships with TS's when I decided no way I can go through transitioning after spending a good portion of my life being a big fat target for multiple other reasons. None of that prepared me for being in a living room filled with other women who transitioned, were working on it, or couldn't. Women just like me. Searching, coping, living, sharing. Not looking for hook-ups. Just looking to help anyone who is hurting.

A lot has changed in 4 years. I thank God daily for the gifts I recieved. Not so much for the buckets of tears both my wife and shed. Yet even with her our love and relationship has grown even stronger.

Sorry to hear stress is getting to you.  I used to be horrible when it came to anxiety, so I can relate.  I know it sounds cliche, but try not to worry so much about everything.  I used to let all my fears and stress get the best of me with terrible results.  Nowadays, I try to maintain a positive view in all aspects and deal with the negatives proactively as they come along.  I haven't transitioned yet (but I hope to start really soon), but I always hear the most important step is self acceptance and a positive outlook.  Those who took this first step seem to be doing incredibly well from what I have seen. 

As for temporary ways to deal with stress, are you allowed to listen to music or podcasts in the truck?  It may be a nice way to get you out of the zone and bring your mind somewhere else.  I also find reading and gaming to be relaxing things.

However, I would avoid spending TOO much time looking up things that relate to transgender issues.  While it is good to learn more and share your experiences, too much time focusing on this can drag you down- especially, if you are just beginning your journey). Transitioning is a process and things will come with time.  You are already making progress by seeing a therapist, so you are well on your way.  Don't worry that you are just beginning.