So lately I've been doing a lot of thinking... I've always felt that inside I'm different from the outside. Up to recently I've been able to just... I dunno, live day to day not really thinking too much on it and being relatively content. I came out as lesbian when I was around 16 or 17 years old, and it was a bit rough at first with my mother, but over time things have been pretty decent.

But now that I'm thinking that maybe it's not me being a lesbian as much as me being transgendered. I've always been different from other girls, and the only way I can describe this is that when I was really little (Like 10 and under) I was always doing things the boys were doing. I didn't have many female toys and had lots of male toys. Like toy guns, GI Joe stuff, Ninja Turtles, those little green army dudes, and I hated being stuffed in dresses, and I didn't like having long hair, and I always played male roles when I played with other girls (Like if they wanted to play house I wanted to be the dude).

After a while I just sort of started living life like ok whatever. I still liked the more boyish thing and after JR High my mom stopped forcing me to wear dresses and girly clothes and I was more allowed to wear boys clothes and shoes and I didn't do the make up stuff like other girls in high school did. I was also, and still am, into like action movies, horror movies, you know.. the stuff guys usually watch. I don't do "chic flicks" very often. On occasion, but not a whole lot.

So I guess the point of my rambling is, as of yesterday I started "coming out" once again, but with my close friends. At least for now. In my research, and watching videos on youtube, and lots of googling, I know what all comes with a transition. Therapy, testosterone, top surgery (and bottom surgery if the individual desires it) and the costs being astronomical. But my biggest concern is coming out to my family.

When I came out as lesbian when I was a teen my mother had a fit. She sort of accepted it over time, though avoids the subject as much as she is able to. My sister was like it's weird but meh. I don't know how to tell them, and now my 4 year old niece is in the picture and I don't know if that factor will have an impact on my sister, and how my mom will handle this. Quite frankly I fear being disowned by them.

Right now the situation is a bit frightening. Most of my friends have accepted this, and said they are with me and behind me 100%. If this is something I wish to go through they are in support of me. I've always, in a way, identified myself as more... well manly than my physical appearance. I am just now starting to realize that all my day dreaming, all the things I did as a kid, all the things my brain has been trying to tell me is, I wish I were born male.

How do I take these first steps? How do I tell my mom? I know I'm not alone in this situation, but I have no one else to go to for this. No one who has been in my shoes. I sort of want people who have been in my position around me at the moment. I need advice, pointers, someone who I can relate with. If anyone out there can help me out with these first few steps I'd be deeply appreciative. As of right now my friends are just here to support me through this, and say they will always love me as their friend, no matter my physical appearance, or how I label myself in the ways of my gender. But having someone who can relate would be a huge help as my friends can only say and do so much since they have never had to go through this themselves.

Thanks
Jerred

Heya Jerred,

Well ill start off by saying congratz on coming out to your friends. That in itself can be a big step. I know it was difficult for mw at least. My advise (if I can really call it advise being so new at this as I am) is that maybe you shoukd consider a therapist. At least then youll have someone to vent to that wont judge you. I know so far that has done wonders for me and helped straighten my thought process out some.

Second I would say use this forum as a tool. These people here are amazingly supportive and will answer whatever they can. However. .. dont spend too much time scanning the internet and staying in your head about this. Going back to my first point, you really need someone you can speak to in person. I know from my personal experience too much of one thing is never a good thing, though I have been completely taken back by the forum go'ers here. I love them all!

Also being born a male if theres anything you might need help with your welcome to ask me, before that part of me is gone forever.

-Erin

Congrats on starting your journey, wherever it may lead you. Coming out to anyone is difficult and takes a lot of courage, so just remember you'll be a better person because of it no matter what happens. If you're unsure of how they'll react, the best thing to do is to take some time and think through what you'll tell them and how to respond to them however it unfolds. A well-explained and thoughtful revelation will be better received than a desperate, rushed one.

One thing I did and I think may help you, too, would be to provide additional information for them if they're interested. I e-mailed a PFLAG pamphlet to everyone after I came out to them and 4/5 of them said they found it helpful. It'll be something they can refer to as time goes on, and it may help them understand everything better once they have a chance to think things over.

I hope it goes well for you!

Thanks you two. I will try the pamphlet thing, and hopefully that will help some who may not understand it. I just came to discover one of my friends has a lot of transgendered friends, and has hooked me up with one of them, who is hooking me up with two more of her friends.

I figure, right now, babysteps is the way to go. I'm asking friends to call me Jerred instead of my female name, and they are very accepting of that, and to use male pronouns. They are very kind in my time of need, and I couldn't have asked for better friends.

This whole thing still has me on edge though, and I have a Councillor at school, so I plan to bring it up to her when I see her this week. Maybe she'll be able to hook me up with someone who has a better grasp on this than she does. She knows I like women but I haven't quite told her how I've been feeling about myself yet.

It's both an exciting and anxious thing for me currently. I just feel like all the support I can get would be a tremendous help. I want to do this for myself eventually, though right now I'm not in a very good position to start with anything more than I am currently doing. Like I said, baby steps.

But thanks, I appreciate the feedback you both have given me.

Hey Jerred,

I am in a similar position myself, just a different gender.  I am out to my good friends and they refer to me with the right pronouns, but family is my current road block.  I am still dependent on my family, so I have chosen to wait a few weeks (maybe months) until I can afford my own place to come out and really start everything. If you are financially independent, I would recommend being honest about your feelings. I don't have much more advice for you, but I wanted to wish you lots of luck as you proceed. 

P.S.  I hear it is better to see a gender therapist for these thing rather than a general social worker.  Sometimes, they don't really understand the issue at hand and try to interpret it into something else.