Hi all,

So I am relatively new to this forum, I have been on for quiet a while, but it has taken me a bit to get out of my shell and post. I had a question about other peoples experience with friends and the queer community.

But first, I'm a FTM. I had my top surgery earlier this year and have been on T for almost 2 years. I have also been living as a male for about 4 years now. Before I started my transition I had a very solid group of LGBT and LGBT-friendly people in my life. I've actually been struggling to find my place in this group, I am the only trans person within my group of friends. All my friends are supportive but I often feel left out of conversation because the things which are relevant to my lifestyle are not something any of them are familiar with or experienced. Since having my surgery this feeling as become worse.

I have never liked the idea of my transition defining who I am, rather I see being trans as an element of my life and story (I recognize that this is different for every one and that identification, for some people can be very empowering). As such, for me, I feel that I was trans and since my surgery I no longer identify as such, I just identify as male. But in a way this has made my relationship with my friends a lot harder, I feel more left out now then before. My surgery was also quiet hard, not because I questioned the process but because I didn't really have anyone around me who would talk to me about what was going on. 

Has anyone else every experienced this, feeling left out of the queer community? I am interested to know if this is a relatively isolated case or if it happens frequently? If so, has anyone found ways to discuss this with there friends or educate them on trans issues?

Thanks

I was at a function recently, and had always fit in and been really comfortable amongst the gay crowd. But now that I am trans, I felt left out and pretty much shunned by them.

Hi,

Im noeleena ,

age over 65, been around a bit & have known many people going back 55 years  many i am still friends with  yes they know myself well enough & my background,

as of now thats the last some 7 years & more importaint with in the last 5 years .

Im a member of many groups & some i work with a membership of over 1000 people are they friends,   you can count on that,  both men & women though most are women of cause,

My circle of friends have made me thier friend,  i did not ..it was up to them if they wonted to accept this person who is very different or put an other way im not a normal person.  well seems like they think i am. & they wont myself to be part of our different groups & part of thier lives, does that say any thing about those  people i belive it does,

Over  the years i did have some time with trans  dresser's & some gay people some 200 here in New Zealand , over in Austraila , i have as well though i would not say i have very many as real friends  why, well im intersexed, so  that at the time i did not know would make a difference, oh.... so i backed away from any groups as such , though i do have contact with about 10  not very many  well as i said im different so our issues are different so thats made it as youv noted our issues are not the same , any way its not something i spend time thinking about ,

My life is with Jos our family of 15 & will be two more soon , after that its with my large circle of friends with in our groups .

What i sugest is you look out side the trans community &  have you any interests say hobbys  like cars bike rideing woodwork , okay you get the idear,   join a group or two maybe a church some lovely people there iv meet some lovely men even though i was with  our womens group = Sallys  some men were neat... okay.

Im  a member of our SCA Renaissance group it is w wide,  we have over 250 i know them all men & women i get on well with them work with them  they have just accepted who i am as a normal female / woman i cant ask more than that, Im a P R person so make myself known to every one  & work with many do singing & play music for our  group.  any new to the group i spend time getting to know them & invite them to feel free to take part  & not feel embarrised , its a lovely group of neat people,

Okay said enough ......hope theres some idears there for you .

Puting it another way im very involved with people

...noeleena...

Yep, we're on the same ship. You can't feel you belong to LGBT friends or other friends. Then, everything gets confusing. I'm MTF, but can't build relationshipa with gay people or others. Furthermore, I lost my old friends.

If you could get rid of this feeling would you let me know how you managed? 

No one understands what transition is like who hasn't been through it. Feeling like I belong has been very difficult since I started.

Of course, without transition it's difficult  since no one sees I'm woman, so the women I would be friendly with keep their distance.

I think part of the problem, is partially our focus on strength in numbers occasionally results in some of us thinking we are like everyone in the collective grouping.

For one thing, while I have NO problem with the homosexual community, not being one, I am simply not one of them.

I'm very pro same sex marriage, but, to be honest I am only that way as I believe it to be right.

I would not really expect to have anything in common with the gay crowd, and as such, a grouping of gay males would interest me as much as a group of hetero males.

To me, lesbians are just women who have different preferences in partners. I would not even be interested in thinking of them as different than hetero females.

But the challenge from being transgender, is I expect people to see me as a male, even though I am not one, all because visually I seem like one. So I would not expect males of either persuasion to see me as anything other than male, and they would assume I liked male things regardless of whether I wanted a male in that fashion.

It's the same with females. I don't think I would have any more success with a group of lesbians, as I would hetero females, as they just see the male form and wonder why I am interested in their activities.

When people say LGBT, I think a lot think the group is a single group all having unique qualities, but essentially the same group.
I myself, I consider myself transgender and I don't really feel ideally speaking, like anything that is important to me, is really related to the rest in any fashion worthy of their interest.

My reasons for wanting to wear a skirt for instance. It has nothing to do with an urge to cross dress. I don't even like the term cross dress, as it implies the clothing is the opposite of what I should be wearing.

I prefer friends to be just people that have common interests that have nothing to do with my gender, or preference in bed.
I don't seek out 'queer' people as some term them, I am not seeking any of the LGBT community specifically due to their being part of the LGBT community. If I am looking for anyone, it is because they like models, role games, wargames, anime and woodworking.

When guys start discussing sports, I basically tune out, as I have nothing on common with sports fans.
I don't discuss cars as I have no interest in them.

I suffer from a range of cliches unfortunately, as I don't tend to encounter many guys that like watching girlie anime, or wishing to discuss what so many of society have branded as female activities (even if I DO know men that do them and girls that don't like them).

I connect with my queer friends through my queerness - but I need trans friends to connect with about shared experience of being trans, and it's turned out that being fairly non-binary in my gender identity, I don't have much in common with most of the local trans women, who are very focused on womanhood in a fairly conventional way. So lately I've been lucky enough to run into a few people I have more in common with, and I'm starting a peer support group for non-binary folk in the SW of England, because we're all fed up with feeling isolated and marginalised and misunderstood even within the trans community.
My advice, such as it is, is to seek out people with a similar experience to you, and then extend an invitation to them to connect more.

Personally, I don't have many friends in the LGBT community; however, I don't have a big circle of friends to begin with as I am fairly shy.  I  do agree that it is nice to know people who can relate with you.  I have a friend who is also trans and she has always been like a big sister to me.  Maybe you might want to try making more trans friends?  There are plenty of support groups around and everyone here is fairly friendly.

Honestly, even the nicest and most open people can't really understand what it's like if they haven't gone through it.  Sure, they can sympathize, but they didn't experience it all.  Even the queer community is more closed because they are generally more focused on sexuality than gender identity.  So, it can be hard to find people who understand your situation even if they outright accept you.  The only thing you can do is be more open with your friends, but realize that they will never have experienced it all.  Although, that's not always a problem.  For example, I am not veteran, but I know some and realize they went through something incredibly difficult.  If they try to relate by telling stories, I can understand what they went through was difficult.  But, I will never have lived through it, so I can be understanding/sympathetic yet I can't claim to have knowledge of their situation. I can be their friend and be there for them, but I can't pretend to have knowledge or experience of something I never lived through.  Perhaps that's why veterans always seem to have that special bond when they interact with one another.

I would try to make more friends in the trans community.  I really think that's the way to get the support you are looking for.  Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to

I suppose in my case though, it is just as well I am not desperate to make friends with other trans persons in the area.

I am sure they might exist in town, but, until I have a lesbian or gay, or trans person pointed out to me, I am alone in this town of 21k.

We have 3 wretched excuses for drinking holes in town. Only one has the slightest nod to dancing. It's not like the town has much interest in gathering places. If not for the Tim Horton's in town, there wouldn't be a damned place at all to walk to other than a burger joint.

Same issue here. When I'm around with guys which are talking about socker and where the behaviour is all about who is the strongest, coolest and greatest one
I get totally bored (no interest at all in that). Following by a feeling that I do not fit in there and leaving after a short while for myself.
They should talk about interesting stuff like shopping girly clothes or stuff That can't bo soo hard 

Women on the other side, see a male and make sure not to come into contact. (As I don't represent female in public yet, I can't blame them).

One day, when I felt alone, I decided to go to the grocery to buy some stuff on a saturday evening (already dark). Did that and walked home with my bags (the bio ones, not plastic) on a long road in the village. That's where a young women with a girl at her hand came toward me on the same side of the road. She made sure to cross the street, when she still had more than 100 meters distance.

That made me feel a little bit depressed. Especially at that time.

I totally understand her. Maybe I would have done the same if I would have been in her shoes. But sometimes it really sucks to worry peoply simply by the fact that you were born in the wrong gender (even if you have had no bad intensions at all).

QuoteI suffer from a range of cliches unfortunately, as I don't tend to encounter many guys that like watching girlie anime, or wishing to discuss what so many of society have branded as female activities (even if I DO know men that do them and girls that don't like them).

I like girlie animes. Did you see the Heartcatch Precure series?    But that's a little off-topic here. Would fit better into the entertainment sector.

In my case there's a small group of LGBT folks (with maybe four T) at my workplace.  They're friendly enough, although I can't really get behind Gay Movie Night (Umm... Not my thing, thanks). It's sort of arm's length association.
The closest I've really found is my local support group - we're mostly on actual "friends" terms. Maybe that's enough?