Quote from: Emanuelle aka ema on April 20, 2013, 05:41:59 PM

Now my girlfriend is acting like if she cares for me, i know she is lying, but i´ll try to act normal, but now i know that there is no future for us, maybe like friends, but like a couple there is no chance, well a day before that i went to my therapist, she told me the same thing you told me Shan, that i´m doing great, i´m rolling, she told me to keep going, and that make me feel great.

This is to be expected when you look so completely effeminate already and have decided to enhance it even more so with surgery. Looking ahead into your future I see the writing on the wall for you my friend, welcome to the world of womanhood, this site is rife with similar stories, it's just a part of the process.

Hellow Shan, forgot to tell you, she told me im a woman, and i have a beard and my eyebrows are all grown up, i just told her, you should seek for professional help, because right now i look like a man, and i look like when we first met, that was the weirdest part of the discussion, and she also thinks like if i don´t do nothing about my GID we will be ok, she doesn´t remembered the first year when we had the same issues and she didn´t know about me then, she was always the one who wanted out, andi was always that wanted to make things work, i´m tired of fighting for her goals, she was the one who have always wanted a family, not me, don´t get it the bad way, i love my son, but in the past i remember always saying i won´t get married and wont have kids, and she was the one who wanted all of that, and it hurts me a lot, because i tried to make her happy, i tried to be her dreamed family, but she doesn´t seem to bother, she´s great playing the victim role, and i bought that role for a long time, not anymore.

About GID issues Shan, how do you deal when sometimes you feel like ok, maybe i should not transition? The las 3 days, in the morning when i wake up i feel like that, but then during the day i feel like, ok, i totally should do it, that happened to me in the past too, but i don´t like that feeling, i know i´m scared, that always happen, like when you sell your car, you want to sell it, but when someone buys it, you are like, oohh, why did i sold it? you know what i mean? So i really don´t enjoy this feeling, because it makes me think in a bad way, not in a good way, makes me doubt about everything.

Quote from: Emanuelle aka ema on April 20, 2013, 09:01:08 PM
Hellow Shan, forgot to tell you, she told me im a woman, and i have a beard and my eyebrows are all grown up, i just told her, you should seek for professional help, because right now i look like a man, and i look like when we first met, that was the weirdest part of the discussion, and she also thinks like if i don´t do nothing about my GID we will be ok, she doesn´t remembered the first year when we had the same issues and she didn´t know about me then, she was always the one who wanted out, andi was always that wanted to make things work, i´m tired of fighting for her goals, she was the one who have always wanted a family, not me, don´t get it the bad way, i love my son, but in the past i remember always saying i won´t get married and wont have kids, and she was the one who wanted all of that, and it hurts me a lot, because i tried to make her happy, i tried to be her dreamed family, but she doesn´t seem to bother, she´s great playing the victim role, and i bought that role for a long time, not anymore. Sometimes women think that if they have a baby for you that it will somehow make you change and that everything will be fine, but it's not very realistic and in fact is very manipulative behavior. Somehow since you have laid with her even though it was her idea, that you are now obligated. Unfortunately no-one can make someone else happy, happiness is a condition that comes from within, they are either happy or they are sad, but it is based on their own feelings that they themselves have set themself up for. We're all subject to that!

About GID issues Shan, how do you deal when sometimes you feel like ok, maybe i should not transition? The las 3 days, in the morning when i wake up i feel like that, but then during the day i feel like, ok, i totally should do it, that happened to me in the past too, but i don´t like that feeling, i know i´m scared, that always happen, like when you sell your car, you want to sell it, but when someone buys it, you are like, oohh, why did i sold it? you know what i mean? So i really don´t enjoy this feeling, because it makes me think in a bad way, not in a good way, makes me doubt about everything. Let me tell you honey, you are not alone, we all go through that and eventually it becomes so intense that we have to deal with it, either by a full transition or by finding that place where that "noise" subsides and we can be at peace within ourselves.

Thank Good!! i found you guys, so the best part of this noise is that i know someday it will go away, so i have to be consciuos about that, and don´t let myself think beyond that feeling.

Talking about this issue, please Shan and Ativan, tell me how did you felt after your HRT doses, i mean did the noise went down? Now that you really live like you suposed to live your entire life, are you more happy? Or do you still get that noise? Do you regret your transition? Would you do it again?

Shan, how do you feel now that you have your breasts, do you feel better? In my case that would be hips, waist and face, i know i won´t regret it, but you know how this goes, sometimes i feel like this is just a dream, and maybe i should stay as i am now, but then i realize that i need some changes to be comfortable, and to have a balance between my mind and body, so right now i know this is something normal, also it came to my mind that my GID is more about "femenine vanity" i mean it is my body that i want to change it, and my body makes me feel more like a girl or like a man, you know what i mean? well right now my face is doing that part, yesterday i shave my beard, and i was more like in my girlie mode hahaha, and that is ok, i don´t hate that, but sometimes i wish i can be exactly in the middle, i mean mixing femenine and masculine feelings always, i think being that way would make things easier for me, but i know that i have to act certain ways with society and clients, so i guess i will be genderbending most of my days, but when people get to know me better i could be myself, and not overacting my male side or girl side, also i am thinking seriuosly about my future, and i want to learn something about make up, hair, nails, eyelashes, something girls do, and start a bussines about it too, and also having the company i"have" now, but i should talk with the therapis about that, because sometimes i don´t see my vocation, and i want to do things i enjoy, all my life, my bussineses were around the money i could earn, not around doing something i enjoy, i enjoy making money, but there´s have to be something that can make me earn money and also make me enjoy doing that. The sad part is that i like a lot of different things, this is a resume of what projects i´ve been thinking all my life:

Clothes: Wholesale mostly jeans, distribution
DTG( direct to garment) printer: I wanted to buy this printer, that way i can produce my own t-shirts, also i can sell the printing service, and also i can print in different materials like, wood, acrylic, caps, etc..
Laser machine: I could produce unlimited varietys of products, from wood, acrylic, plastic, etc.. I can produce iphone covers, toys, furniture, kitchens, presents, etc..
3d printer: This machine i like it for educational purposes, i would like to have a little school, and teach about this technology, also i can produce different things and resell them.
CNC router: Well this is basically the same as the laser machine, and it fit the same bussines.
Car movie theater: I have a contact in Germany, and they sell huge screens, and i was thinking about doing a car movie theater here.
Androgynous clothing: Design and manufacture jeans and shirts for people like us
Gadgets: I would like to import some of the newest gadgets around the world, mos of them are focus on videogames consoles, mini robots, etc..
i Hungry: A restaurant, burguers etc..
Beauty Saloon: Nail printer, minkys eyelashes ( permanent), hair coloring ( i think i won´t be that great being a stylist but i can contract people)
Nail printer: If i do not have my own saloon, i will like to have the distribution of this printer around my country, also with mainteinance service.
Arcade: Well right now i am "producing" in a small scale some arcade fightsticks, and i wanted to produce arcade cabinets as well, but people here in Mexico don´t pay for quality, and right now that bussines is dead.
Psychollogy: Well i guess this won´t happen, i will like to help people like us, therapy and that kind of stuff, but i didn´t study pschology, and i´m 30 now.

This are some of my ideas, the bad part about this ideas, is that most of them need designing, and i don´t even know how to draw haaha, i have great ideas, but i´m not a talented drawer, but i can search for courses. Also in the future if everything goes as i planed, i should have some houses, and rent them.

Oh i forgot to ask you, i remember that i get bored of something years later, elementary school i wanted to be the best goalkeeper, and i did, then i like skating, and quit soccer, then i became a really good skater ( i skated like 6 years) then i got my first car, and i really like music, so i learn how to install stereos, amplifiers, etc.. and then my cars where the more SEEN around my city, everyone knew my cars, then i started my first bussines, i got to be a good company, then i started selling jeans, and quit the other company, so the point is, because that my girlfriend and my first therapist thought my GID was like an obsession, because if i do something, i want to be the best doing it, so i hope this doesn´t happen with my GID, i know i want to be a sexy guy and a sexy girl, i mean a sexy ME hahahah, at the other hand i didn´t thought this part of me is obsession, i feel like i am an evolving human being, that´s why i don´t stay doing the same things forever, but i want your opinnions, also i´m a musician, i write and sing hiphop songs, when i started i was rapping like Will smith in the 90´s hahaha, now i can rap better than famous people from my country, i didn´t know how to rap, so i learned, so that talks so much about myself, i can do anything, but knowing that, it only applies to things i´m interested it, so that´s why i need vocational orientation for bussineses, so i hope you can help me Shan and Ativan, and all of you guys, have a great day, xoxoxo... 

Quote from: Emanuelle aka ema on April 21, 2013, 12:30:45 PM
Thank Good!! i found you guys, so the best part of this noise is that i know someday it will go away, so i have to be consciuos about that, and don´t let myself think beyond that feeling.

Talking about this issue, please Shan and Ativan, tell me how did you felt after your HRT doses, i mean did the noise went down? Now that you really live like you suposed to live your entire life, are you more happy? Or do you still get that noise? Do you regret your transition? Would you do it again? Hi Ema, I have no regrets and I would do it again and go all the way with it if I was younger, in my 20's or 30's rather than 70, and if I didn't have a wife from a long term marriage that is depending on me. But still as an androgynous person on HRT it was the thing for me to do because it shut down the noise, changed me from a very edgy sometimes belligerent individual into a much more calm and peaceful person. I would do it again in a heartbeat!

Shan, how do you feel now that you have your breasts, do you feel better? In my case that would be hips, waist and face, i know i won´t regret it, but you know how this goes, sometimes i feel like this is just a dream, and maybe i should stay as i am now, but then i realize that i need some changes to be comfortable, and to have a balance between my mind and body, so right now i know this is something normal, also it came to my mind that my GID is more about "femenine vanity" i mean it is my body that i want to change it, and my body makes me feel more like a girl or like a man, you know what i mean? Yes I understand the need for these changes to be congruent physically with how you feel in your mind and heart.well right now my face is doing that part, yesterday i shave my beard, and i was more like in my girlie mode hahaha, and that is ok, i don´t hate that, but sometimes i wish i can be exactly in the middle, i mean mixing femenine and masculine feelings always, i think being that way would make things easier for me, but i know that i have to act certain ways with society and clients, so i guess i will be genderbending most of my days, but when people get to know me better i could be myself, and not overacting my male side or girl side, also i am thinking seriuosly about my future, and i want to learn something about make up, hair, nails, eyelashes, something girls do, and start a bussines about it too, and also having the company i"have" now, but i should talk with the therapis about that, because sometimes i don´t see my vocation, and i want to do things i enjoy, all my life, my bussineses were around the money i could earn, not around doing something i enjoy, i enjoy making money, but there´s have to be something that can make me earn money and also make me enjoy doing that. The sad part is that i like a lot of different things, this is a resume of what projects i´ve been thinking all my life:

Clothes: Wholesale mostly jeans, distribution
DTG( direct to garment) printer: I wanted to buy this printer, that way i can produce my own t-shirts, also i can sell the printing service, and also i can print in different materials like, wood, acrylic, caps, etc..
Laser machine: I could produce unlimited varietys of products, from wood, acrylic, plastic, etc.. I can produce iphone covers, toys, furniture, kitchens, presents, etc..
3d printer: This machine i like it for educational purposes, i would like to have a little school, and teach about this technology, also i can produce different things and resell them.
CNC router: Well this is basically the same as the laser machine, and it fit the same bussines.
Car movie theater: I have a contact in Germany, and they sell huge screens, and i was thinking about doing a car movie theater here.
Androgynous clothing: Design and manufacture jeans and shirts for people like us
Gadgets: I would like to import some of the newest gadgets around the world, mos of them are focus on videogames consoles, mini robots, etc..
i Hungry: A restaurant, burguers etc..
Beauty Saloon: Nail printer, minkys eyelashes ( permanent), hair coloring ( i think i won´t be that great being a stylist but i can contract people)
Nail printer: If i do not have my own saloon, i will like to have the distribution of this printer around my country, also with mainteinance service.
Arcade: Well right now i am "producing" in a small scale some arcade fightsticks, and i wanted to produce arcade cabinets as well, but people here in Mexico don´t pay for quality, and right now that bussines is dead.
Psychollogy: Well i guess this won´t happen, i will like to help people like us, therapy and that kind of stuff, but i didn´t study pschology, and i´m 30 now.

This are some of my ideas, the bad part about this ideas, is that most of them need designing, and i don´t even know how to draw haaha, i have great ideas, but i´m not a talented drawer, but i can search for courses. Also in the future if everything goes as i planed, i should have some houses, and rent them.
Well you certainly don't seem to be at a loss for some really good ideas, all you need is some financial backing to get started!
Oh i forgot to ask you, i remember that i get bored of something years later, elementary school i wanted to be the best goalkeeper, and i did, then i like skating, and quit soccer, then i became a really good skater ( i skated like 6 years) then i got my first car, and i really like music, so i learn how to install stereos, amplifiers, etc.. and then my cars where the more SEEN around my city, everyone knew my cars, then i started my first bussines, i got to be a good company, then i started selling jeans, and quit the other company, so the point is, because that my girlfriend and my first therapist thought my GID was like an obsession, because if i do something, i want to be the best doing it, so i hope this doesn´t happen with my GID, i know i want to be a sexy guy and a sexy girl, i mean a sexy ME hahahah, at the other hand i didn´t thought this part of me is obsession, i feel like i am an evolving human being, that´s why i don´t stay doing the same things forever, but i want your opinnions, also i´m a musician, i write and sing hiphop songs, when i started i was rapping like Will smith in the 90´s hahaha, now i can rap better than famous people from my country, i didn´t know how to rap, so i learned, so that talks so much about myself, i can do anything, but knowing that, it only applies to things i´m interested it, so that´s why i need vocational orientation for bussineses, so i hope you can help me Shan and Ativan, and all of you guys, have a great day, xoxoxo... Hey amigo, you will have to figure out what will be the most marketable, profitable thing that you would enjoy doing and apply yourself to it vigorously and you will be successful.

Learn more about business working with your Father.
If you are teaching him new things, I'll bet there are a few old tricks he can teach you to.
Never underestimate an older person, their experiences in life are much more than a younger person.
This is where wisdom comes in. You can't be taught it, but you can learn it by watching and listening.
I know that sounds weird.
You can't just take a lifetime of experience and bring it all together in a way to teach.
You can run, but he knows which way. Kind of like that.
But it's a two way street for you two, it sounds like.
Experience trumps youthful energy every time.
You have products in mind, now learn how to run a business.

I don't have much in the way of physical changes to my male body.
But the really low dose HRT that I take is enough to quiet the noise.
So I can think about other things without the sudden bursts of thought about it.
I mainly present as male, but I have really long hair. From the front, I look very male.
From behind,... it depends on what I'm wearing I suppose.
I don't care for the way I look, but I accept it.
My attitude is not male or female, not masculine nor feminine.
I have traits that I share with people who are masculine and feminine, but I am not either or both.
I'm simply non-binary.

There are so many things in my life that are more important to me than my gender.
Would I do it again? I suppose, I'm doing it right now.
I wish all of this would have been available to me when I was young.
I would still think of myself the same way, but I would look feminine.
It's my only real regret about it, other than the attitude I went through life with.
The noise.
It brings up feelings of anger and rage that aren't appropriate for the situations.
The HRT that I use has brought it under control.
Sometimes I think about using higher doses, and my Dr would let me without question.
Actually she questions my desire to be only on the lowest doses.
But that's just out of her nature and curiosity.
I don't look anything like how I feel.
I know it's me in the mirror, but I don't recognize the image as really being me.
How I should look, for myself? I don't know... More feminine, yet not completely.
I think that would be right, but I really don't dwell on it that much.
It just brings the noise back. Yep, it's still there, just at a much lower level.
I deal with it.
There are other things that are intertwined with it, that HRT isn't going to do anything to help.
There is much work to do in my reality, it is a stress to deal with others at times.
But I have so much experience in doing that, I have been for decades.

Don't let your gender run your life. You own it, you run it.
It's important to you, but not so much to anyone else. Is theirs that important to you?
Let it be that part of your life that it is, just like you do for other things about yourself.
Like your desire to be the best.
Don't let your worries *the noise* about your gender interfere with just getting on with life and enjoying it.
Be the best.
Be so good they can't ignore you.... Work on that noise, do what you need to quiet it down.
Just be who you are, be yourself. Don't worry so much about how you look.
It's you that people see, not what your body looks like. Be that good.
When you let yourself come through, it changes how you look.
How you carry yourself, how you smile, laugh,...everything.
You will look different to others because that is what they will see.
Right now they see you fussing about your gender.
Although they don't know that it's what they see, but they see something.
Get the noise level down, get your finances in order and be the best father that you can be.
The rewards will come along on their own.
If you get the business running so good that you have extra money,... then you can think about what you want to do.
There are so many things that you do in living your life that don't have anything to do with your gender.
There will be more.
But you will always have your gender, regardless of the twists and turns you make.

See, this is how I live.
I have always been better, the best at whatever I am doing.
At least I am for myself. And that's what counts the most.
But I lived a wild and unpredictable life because of the noise.
The thoughts that I know I'm different, but what do I do with it?
With the noise quieted down, I am better at being the best I can.
I can let my gender just flow through me, without it being a question in my thinking.
I know people are aware of it. And if they aren't, that doesn't matter.
I am being more of me than I ever have.

So take care of business, get your house in order, and learn how to make the business better.
Talk to your therapist, see if you can get some form of low dose HRT, just to see if it helps.
If it does, good.
Work hard, learn.
Earn enough by being the best to get whatever you want with your looks.
But don't let that run your life.
It's just a part of you.
It's your gender.
There's a lot more to you than that.
Ativan

This is kind of what I am talking about.
About letting yourself be who you are.
We all do this, the same thing as the video.
I am very guilty of thinking I look horrible.
I am assured I'm not, but it's how I feel sometimes.
'The Noise' comes through in how you look.
Now, I look different, I see it in pictures.
Not physically, but the attitude comes through.
I guess for me, I don't look as sad as I did before HRT.
Ativan

Hellow Shan and Ativan, thank you so much, both of you are great, i love you!!!

Yes i want to learn and learn more about life, bussines, i want my dad to teach me, i just want to be happy, and i am feeling more happy now, i guess accepting myself as an adrogyne, accepting the fact that i am not what my girlfriend thinks i am, i am getting more comfortable, about low HRT, well to be honest i don´t think about it that much, and i realize that my GID comes camouflaged with vanity, i was watching some pictures of my past, because i was wondering why i wasn´t used to smile at photos, and i realize that some parts of my face are the ones who make me feel that, as a boy or as a girl, but i have less issues being a girl than a boy photographic speaking, so my GID isn´t that hard like it used to be, at least for now, so i see my GID like a fight with my face in the mirror, i just like my front, not my profile, just the front, about my inner feelings about being a girl, there still strong, but i realize that this girl lives with this boy too, so now they only have to get along, and become great friends, and stop fighting each other, i don´t want to divide them as 2 personalities as i did unconsciously in the past, because those 2 energys make me who i am, so my soft side has to be present, and also my strong side has to be present, and when they do, i am me, so right now i am trying to mix this, it is not easy, but not difficult either, it´s something new, and i have to get used to it, so i guess my GID it isnt that strong, i mean, i think i can handle it, right now thinking about finishing my transition keeps the noise quiet, sometimes i exagerate things, this morning i woke up, and i was like oh, should i transition? and like 10 mins later, im ok with it, in the past i was with that noise 24/7, so i guess i am learning to lessen the noise thinking positive about that, and now i realize that in the past i was dealing 24/7 with this noise because i wasnt accepting it, now that i know that i have GID, and that i accept it, it´s different, i hope when i finish my transition that noise no longer exists, i know it will go, and i want to believe in that, but sometimes i think about it, and when i think about it, the term HRT comes into my head, and when HRT comes into my head, i am like, HEELL nooo, surgery will give you the effects you REALLY want, and not the ones you don´t want, so that´s my life hahaha.

Hellow Ativan, well that video made me cry hahaha, it is so true, how we always criticize ourselves, and what keep my attention of the video is how other people see us better than we do, but i don´t know how my GID is related to my story about beauty, i´m the opossite of this persons on the video, i cried because i would like to hear that from people i know, you know what i mean? I´ve been always aware about my pretty face, but people get it wrong, for example, a friend of my girlfriend told her i look skinny, but in the bad way, she ask if i was sick, a friend of my dad told me that too, and i don´t see myself as sick or so so skinny, i have friends who are really skinny, and don´t look sick to me at all, i prefer seeing my self at the mirror rather than photos, because photos are not my friends hahaha, maybe is my GID, i know i´m not ugly, i know im a pretty girl and a handsome boy, but i don´t look like i wanted to look, and i´ve always think that way, i never liked photos, when i first realize i was different, that i thought i was transgender it was seeing myself through the mirror, and photos, my eyes express so much being a girl than being a man, why? i don´t know, i see my pics as a girl, and i see a sensitive person, caring, when i see my guy photos, i just see something like anger, like a macho wanna be, but NOT ME, i did it just to send my photos to girls, and trying to flirt you know what i mean? and my girlie pics are for me, so that day when i could see the difference was the day i realize im a transandrogyne, it is so easy for me to tell my girlfriend to love herself, she now feels she is fat, she is a little bit overweight, but i still see her sexy, and no matter how i tell her she won´t quit having thos thoughts, that applies for me too, like when you guys told me i am so beautifoul, i know guys tell me that ( i mean with my girlie photos) but girls don´t, as for my boy photos, some girls tell me im handsome, but it is like if that is not enough for me you know? because i want to transmit myself physically too, so that´s why i want FFS, because i need my face to be like i am INSIDE too, right now my face with beard is a man, without beard im still a man, if i use make up or eyelashes my face is like a girl, but i DOn´t want that, i want to be me inside and out, i don´t want make up or eyelashes, or clothes to make me feel like i am, my inside is natural, and right now my outside it´s not natural, i know my insecurities come from my past and not only from GID, i think its a 50/50 issue about that, right now i feel i´m winning about the first 50% of my past insecurities, and now i have to deal with my GID insecurities, what do you think ativan? Thanks for everything I LOOVEE YOOUUU xoxoxo HUGS

Quote from: Emanuelle aka ema on April 21, 2013, 04:57:49 PM
Hellow Shan and Ativan, thank you so much, both of you are great, i love you!!!

Yes i want to learn and learn more about life, bussines, i want my dad to teach me, i just want to be happy, and i am feeling more happy now, i guess accepting myself as an adrogyne, accepting the fact that i am not what my girlfriend thinks i am, i am getting more comfortable, about low HRT, well to be honest i don´t think about it that much, and i realize that my GID comes camouflaged with vanity, i was watching some pictures of my past, because i was wondering why i wasn´t used to smile at photos, and i realize that some parts of my face are the ones who make me feel that, as a boy or as a girl, but i have less issues being a girl than a boy photographic speaking, so my GID isn´t that hard like it used to be, at least for now, so i see my GID like a fight with my face in the mirror, i just like my front, not my profile, just the front, about my inner feelings about being a girl, there still strong, but i realize that this girl lives with this boy too, so now they only have to get along, and become great friends, and stop fighting each other, i don´t want to divide them as 2 personalities as i did unconsciously in the past, because those 2 energys make me who i am, so my soft side has to be present, and also my strong side has to be present, and when they do, i am me, so right now i am trying to mix this, it is not easy, but not difficult either, it´s something new, and i have to get used to it, so i guess my GID it isnt that strong, i mean, i think i can handle it, right now thinking about finishing my transition keeps the noise quiet, sometimes i exagerate things, this morning i woke up, and i was like oh, should i transition? and like 10 mins later, im ok with it, in the past i was with that noise 24/7, so i guess i am learning to lessen the noise thinking positive about that, and now i realize that in the past i was dealing 24/7 with this noise because i wasnt accepting it, now that i know that i have GID, and that i accept it, it´s different, i hope when i finish my transition that noise no longer exists, i know it will go, and i want to believe in that, but sometimes i think about it, and when i think about it, the term HRT comes into my head, and when HRT comes into my head, i am like, HEELL nooo, surgery will give you the effects you REALLY want, and not the ones you don´t want, so that´s my life hahaha.

You are loved and appreciated here as well Ema, I think that it helps all of us when we see our relationship to each other as if we are members of an extended family, caring and looking out for one another as sisters and brothers do in a close family.Hugs ~ Shan ~

Ema, Ativan and Shantel are two of the most knowledgeable and caring people you could have met on this site.

I have said before, and I will repeat it now, they are like gurus to me.  I could just sit and listen to the wisdom and truth and experience,  all day long.

Jamie, yes i knoow!! they are great, im very thankfull!! love u ALL!!! xoxoxo

Thanks for everything

Quote from: Emanuelle aka ema on April 21, 2013, 12:30:45 PM
Talking about this issue, please Shan and Ativan, tell me how did you felt after your HRT doses, i mean did the noise went down? Now that you really live like you suposed to live your entire life, are you more happy? Or do you still get that noise? Do you regret your transition? Would you do it again?

I started HRT almost five months ago (also electrolysis around then). The noise went way down, almost immediately, which I attribute to having made a decision to move forward. I'd already been living openly for a while before that, which had helped my overall feelings considerably, but that hadn't gotten rid of the noise. I'm very happy with the changes I'm experiencing from HRT, both physical and especially emotional. There's still occasional noise about some physical attributes, such as hair, but it's manageable, I wear lots of hats and scarves to deal with that.

Really, you need to figure out what is right for you. It's different for each one of us. I've taken each step slowly, and then listened carefully to my inner voice to see how it feels. And then more listening for what feels right for my next step.

Shana

Quote from: Shana A on April 22, 2013, 05:01:08 PM
Really, you need to figure out what is right for you. It's different for each one of us. I've taken each step slowly, and then listened carefully to my inner voice to see how it feels. And then more listening for what feels right for my next step.

Shana

This is really how it works. We don't walk a well worn path.
We are a very diverse group of people, and our wants and needs are just as diverse.

Your knack for simplifying things is uncanny, Z.
All any of us can do, is tell our perspectives.
Each person has to make some very personal choices for themselves. Each step of the way.
Myself, I took a lot of time in thinking things through, and still do.
Most times there isn't an answer, there are many answers.
Ativan

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on April 22, 2013, 05:38:24 PM
This is really how it works. We don't walk a well worn path.
We are a very diverse group of people, and our wants and needs are just as diverse.

Your knack for simplifying things is uncanny, Z.
All any of us can do, is tell our perspectives.
Each person has to make some very personal choices for themselves. Each step of the way.
Myself, I took a lot of time in thinking things through, and still do.
Most times there isn't an answer, there are many answers.
Ativan

Thanks Ativan!

We truly are a diverse group, each with different circumstances, and dreams. One size doesn't fit all.

Learning to hear, to listen to, my inner voice has been a long road. I'm just as good as anyone at getting stuck in my own endless loops, in repeating my own outmoded stories. I feel fortunate to have found some great help in sorting through it all. My therapist. A few close friends who are willing to talk on very deep levels. My yoga teacher, for helping me learn to listen to what my body is telling me.

What a journey!

Shana

I agree with you guys, we are a diverse group, like me hahaha, i wanted HRT but no boobs and still keeping my buddy, so HRT won´t work for me, i am thinking about orquidectomy, i was reading that to normal men, this affect, they get depressed etc.. i think for me it could quiet my noise, the bad part is that maybe my sexual life will be affected too, and i would have to take some t, and i don´t know if that T will be the same as keeping my tests, i read that some effects of the orquidectomy are:

No more muscle, no more strees, no more boldness, no more strenght, etc..

I don´t want to be weak, i want to look fragile but not being weak, so i guess maybe orquydectomy isn´t the right path for me either, i hope FFS, liposuction, hip augementation and butt augmentation can quiet this noise, if not, i will think more about orchydectomy again, please to all you guys who already have been through orquydectomy please tell me the benefits from it and also the cons, because all the info i got was for real men, not androgyne, and what not works for them, will work for me, hugs to everyone, xoxoxo

Quote from: Shana A on April 22, 2013, 05:01:08 PM
I started HRT almost five months ago (also electrolysis around then). The noise went way down, almost immediately, which I attribute to having made a decision to move forward. [...edited...]

I've just read all of this thread and there are so many great, interesting and informative posts in it.

After reading it, I am wondering, for those of you who have, or are, taking low dose hrt (and / or anti-androgens?) for purposes of reducing dysphoria, whether you have any thoughts on why you think doing that has reduced your dysphoria?

I am just at the beginning of proactively trying to tackle my own dysphoria, having only recently been to the dr's about it. At the moment I just intend to pursue counselling / therapy and possibly to consider finasteride for my hair. However, low dose hrt / anti-androgens were one of the things the dr talked about as perhaps a possible consideration in the future. For me, dysphoria has been such an all pervasive thing for so long that I can't really imagine anything reducing it.

Quote from: Q on May 03, 2013, 04:16:43 PM
I've just read all of this thread and there are so many great, interesting and informative posts in it.

After reading it, I am wondering, for those of you who have, or are, taking low dose hrt (and / or anti-androgens?) for purposes of reducing dysphoria, whether you have any thoughts on why you think doing that has reduced your dysphoria?

I am just at the beginning of proactively trying to tackle my own dysphoria, having only recently been to the dr's about it. At the moment I just intend to pursue counselling / therapy and possibly to consider finasteride for my hair. However, low dose hrt / anti-androgens were one of the things the dr talked about as perhaps a possible consideration in the future. For me, dysphoria has been such an all pervasive thing for so long that I can't really imagine anything reducing it.

Having gone on feminizing hormones long ago took the edge off of my dysphoria, but the issues never go away, it just makes it easier to live with. I am naturally what is known as a Type-A Chloric personality which is normally really opinionated, edgy and aggressive, some of that is long term learned male behavior and some of it is testosterone driven. Having taken steps to bring the testosterone levels to zero and going on estrogen has taken the edge off, moved me more toward a Type B Personality over time and made me a much more laid back person that people like to be around. No-one gets their ass kicked anymore! 

Quote from: Shantel on May 03, 2013, 04:38:02 PM
Having gone on feminizing hormones long ago took the edge off of my dysphoria, but the issues never go away, it just makes it easier to live with. I am naturally what is known as a Type-A Chloric personality which is normally really opinionated, edgy and aggressive, some of that is long term learned male behavior and some of it is testosterone driven. Having taken steps to bring the testosterone levels to zero and going on estrogen has taken the edge off, moved me more toward a Type Personality type over time and made me a much more laid back person that people like to be around. No-one gets their ass kicked anymore! 

lol... I'm a really laid back person anyway... I can't think that it could be possible to be more laid back than I already am.

I wonder if that is all personality type or whether I have lower than average testosterone, as I'm not particularly sex driven either. On the other hand I have no shortage of body hair... though that might be age as I didn't used to have when I was younger... It would be interesting to find out.

Q
I have a couple of theories but in the end it doesn't matter either way.   Put plainly low dose hrt works.   Low dose hrt removed my dysphoria, quietened the demons and took me to a much better place.
The first theory that fits my experience is that hrt is a key to unlocking your emotional and physical prison.   Taking hrt is therefore part symbolic and allowed me as a rigid and tightly self defined alpha male to allow myself broader expression both in terms of emotional amplitude and gender identified behavior.  It could therefore be seen as a physical or clear step towards unshackling myself from my rigid dysphoria-based, protective but restrictive carapace ..... Whether this means that sub consciously I have given myself permission to fully transition towards another form of binary presentation or to partially transition to a more androgynous state doesn't really matter to me.  I feel more authentic and for the first time in more than 50 years I am able to be who I want to be and live my life the way I want to live rather than how my physical appearance has dictated.
The second theory that also seems consistent with my experience is that my brain is female, my body is male, my hormonal soup was also male.   My sense of self, my spirit, my soul and my identity live within my brain.   Immersing my brain or being in a cocktail of contrary hormones imprisoned my soul in a hostile and foreign environment.   This caused my soul immense distress, my spirit significant damage and drove my dysphoria.   Low dose hrt provided my brain with compatible hormones and instantly gave me an immense relief and a sense of 'rightness' and peace that I had never previously experienced.
Now the tricky thing for me is that low dose hrt sometimes feels like a precursor or appetiser to the main course.  While  I do not wish to take more, there is a hunger.   Hrt is addictive and I have enjoyed further benefit when I have taken greater amounts. .... but it comes with profound and accelerated physical change, so low dose hrt is where my endo and I have agreed works best for me. 
Low dose hrt has gifted me with a new emotional and physical equilibrium which I am discovering with wonder while developing a full appreciation of who I am.