Quote from: learningtolive on April 14, 2013, 12:26:15 PM

I think the bigger question you should ask yourself is "how do I see myself"?  A man or woman?  A man with a feminine side or a women with a masculine side? Or do you see yourself as more bigender? Only you can answer this.  It may take some deep self examination, but eventually you will be able to sort it out.  In the mean time, enjoy the ride and don't worry about the time it takes to get to the answer.

Hi learningtolive 

I definitely feel that I have a strong feminine side. I have felt a lot better now that I accepted my feminine side consciously and I am going to try to combine both distant feelings/experiences within me and see how that works out. It's really annoying when you feel masculine one day and feminine the other day. I also think I am confused because of society's expectations of manhood and femininity, but at the same time I really like all things associated with femininity. To me it is almost divine. I have a deep appreciation for it. But whenever I am physically active I become very body conscious and feel okay as a guy. 

i felt like i was in nomansland to at an age of 16 going on till i was 20.
Time and introspection will help you figure it out.
And i think we all wanted to turn back time, but then you wouldn't know what you know now, or feel the same way you did then.
I've always regreted not coming out sooner, but still happy i did when i did, it's kinda double sided.
Reading allot and listening to your emotions will tell you a great deal, we like to follow our minds, and less our hearts.
Guess our society is made that way, sadly, never the less, follow your heart.

When you are stuck, don't be afraid to seek some help.
I like to think we are the strongest people alive, going against the crowd in such a manner.

Best of luck, and clear insights to your life
Follow your heart/emotions
With love

Hi Evy, thanks for your post.
I've no idea how to 'follow my heart' as I feel different about all of this at different times.

Like in most of April I felt quite confident as a male and for a couple of weeks I hardly questioned my gender identity and there were times I felt way masculine and that happened just naturally. But in the last couple of days the desires to have a female body and the sight of pretty women have turned that tide again. And during such times I feel detached and it's all doom and gloom in my mind. The thoughts/desires can be all-consuming, and it's there in the back of my mind during college or wherever else I'm going. It can keep me up at night. I wonder what I could change about my body and even wished I had a more feminine body so it'd all be easier. But you know, tomorrow it may all just disappear again. That's not really great if you want to make sense of it.. it just comes and goes -_-

Just to play devil's advocate, I think it is really risky for people to start hormones if they aren't sure that it is right for them.  Even though the short term effects are reversible, I think people may want to make sure this is what they want before starting.  Whether that means a normal hrt dose or low dose, they should be prepared for what changes it will bring.  The fact is that hormones can bring many different emotions into play.  Some may feel calm and wonderful, others may feel depressed and moody.  That doesn't really say anything about whether they are trans or if they are taking the right path.  Hormones have an impact on multiple levels and it depends on so many different factors.  Not everyone has a smooth start with hormones.  And even if they feel right, that isn't necessarily validation that this is the right path for them in the long haul.  I imagine that hormones can probably give positive feelings to even cisgender people because it has such an impact on us.  Of course, they probably wouldn't like the physical changes that come with it after being on them for quite some time,lol.  So in that sense, I would agree that there is a litmus test.  Otherwise, I think it is risky to make an assessment from one's emotional response to the initial treatment of hrt.

Quote from: Fezzika on May 07, 2013, 10:35:25 AM
I'm beginning to suspect that for MTF folks, taking female hormones may well be a litmus test.  For many, it should "just feel right".  .

The more I analyze myself, the choices I've made in life, and my personality, the more I realize that there's very little that makes me feel I'm male inside. It's only the interests/hobbies and the body that makes me one. Beyond that I do not feel much like one. Whenever I talk with my mom I'm always hearing the same, that my character is similar to her and my sister. It feels as if exercising is the only thing that keeps my sense of maleness intact as it gives me physical pleasure and that drops worrying a bit, albeit for a short while.

And yes Learningtolive, I agree with you about hrt. It's not a trivial choice and I would only do it if I were absolutely sure about it and what it would imply.

  Ugh... Did I go through this kind of no man's land? I'm still in it!!! ITS driving insane!  Its just like WWI.  Both sides are entrenched and firing volleys at each other! I'm trying to go through life unhindered but nowadays, I really, really wish I could fling myself to my Female side and just crush my stubborn male identity...

And I am not even in my twenties and I can't stand the thought of going through such an important time with the same flavor of total war going on in my head!   

But I got a guy who is going to help through this so I won't throw my glory days away.

I hope you find your peace, especially since you have been waiting for so long. 

Ugh... the thought of going through even one more year like this is repulsive

2013 is a good time as ever to figure this stuff out, am I right!
Happy Hunting!
Maribeth

Quote from: Maribeth12 on May 10, 2013, 05:49:16 PM

Ugh... the thought of going through even one more year like this is repulsive

Yeah I hear you. I've been feeling this back-and-forth rollercoaster for a couple of months now since I've accepted my 'weird' fantasies and desires.

It's hard to understand. After exercising or just being around other people and having fun I feel confident and relaxed about myself and there's not much cause for concern. It's strange when I look at attractive girls. When I actually talk with them and like them I do not experience any desire to be female. But when I'm alone I get the desires in my mind, and that comes in waves. Sometimes it gets incredibly big and I cannot sleep or think about much else, at other times it is close to non-existent.

I believe self introspection is the main key in discovering your identity; however, self analyzing it is not always full proof.  Sometimes, it is helpful to have the input of another person.  In my experience, talking things out with others (especially close friends) can be very informative in helping see things you may have not investigated.  In your case, it really sounds like you would benefit from talking with someone who you can share information with more freely.  Because your feelings are ambiguous, I would suggest discussing this with a therapist.  This is clearly bothering you and it is evident that you want to solve the problems it is causing you.  If you are unable to find out the answer alone, there is no shame seeking some help.  It really might do you some good.   Plus, they don't judge and have to keep patient info confidential.  What's there to lose? (Well, other than time and money,lol)

Quote from: learningtolive on May 11, 2013, 08:26:41 PM
I believe self introspection is the main key in discovering your identity; however, self analyzing it is not always full proof.  Sometimes, it is helpful to have the input of another person.  In my experience, talking things out with others (especially close friends) can be very informative in helping see things you may have not investigated.  In your case, it really sounds like you would benefit from talking with someone who you can share information with more freely.  Because your feelings are ambiguous, I would suggest discussing this with a therapist.  This is clearly bothering you and it is evident that you want to solve the problems it is causing you.  If you are unable to find out the answer alone, there is no shame seeking some help.  It really might do you some good.   Plus, they don't judge and have to keep patient info confidential.  What's there to lose? (Well, other than time and money,lol)

Second that, it is well worth seeing a therapist who specialises in gender issues

I just kept at asking myself "can I really deny this anymore?" 

I've known for a long time I wanted to be a girl, infact when I was little I was definetly a girl in my head. Only once I got to High School and the teasing and bullying started did I close up and not know where I was...

I used to have people ask me : "Are you a boy or Girl?" it really upset me because I had to accept myself as male because of this body... it's been like a constant reminder of what I'm supposed to be but inside I'm fighting all the time...

Now though I am generally at peace, I think about my journey and the woman I want to become 

Hugs <3

I feel the same Marybeth & Feather. But I also feel like im not giving up on the man that was me when I feel feminine. I feel more like becoming the woman or merging the two together. I don't regret being a man. I just have these feelings and they won't go away.

Quote from: Christine167 on May 14, 2013, 05:26:04 AM
I feel the same Marybeth & Feather. But I also feel like im not giving up on the man that was me when I feel feminine. I feel more like becoming the woman or merging the two together. I don't regret being a man. I just have these feelings and they won't go away.

I know that feeling! I think i mentioned in another thread that i was considering tattoo sleeves to visualise and embrace my male and female sides (sleeve each). I guess it would also inadvertently be a coming out experience.
But that wasn't enough for me.
I cycled through being quite masculine to feeling feminine. I tried to merge the two but couldn't. I tried very hard at being a guy, worked out an awful lot, spent a lot of money on food, gym equipment and weights.

I don't regret the years i have lived as a male. The way i see it, i was trying hard to paper over the cracks by putting on a persona. A persona to combat my GID, and to deflect any suspicion of being 'different'. A persona that inadvertently also papered over who i was. The person that i was before testosterone starting changing my body late in my teens. But as a male, I've lived a life as a human being, and the experiences and knowledge you gain from that is not tethered to your gender. By discarding the male body, you don't also lose that you have lived.

I am a woman, but i don't reject traits just because they could be seen as a male interest/ behaviour type.

As i also said in another thread, its a process. It took a lot of self-reflection to get to this point for me, and i admit it is not plain sailing at all, but seeing a therapist would be a very good step in the right direction for you.

xx