Hello, everyone.
I am a 29 year old "male" from Montana, and was originally born and grew up in Eastern Washington. I have a sort of long and round-about story about how I ended up on this site, but I will explain as best I can without being too long winded.
Ever since around about high-school, I have felt a little off gender wise. I have always been able to be "one of the boys" as well as "one of the girls", though the vast majority of my friends are girls. When I was younger (18, 19, or so) I was proud of my male features like having hair on my chest and was the guy who always had a leather jacket on and listened to Heavy Metal and such. But in the back of my mind, I felt mixed up. I felt that I identified with the girls, felt that I identified with them and for some reason unbeknownst to me, I felt almost jealous when looking at many of them. That was the part that was hardest to understand and for the longest time, I repressed those feelings and locked them away.
As time went on, my mentality began to change. I began to feel that many of my male features were not desireable and took efforts to change them. I began shaving my whole body everyday, not because I consciously wanted to be feminine (at least thats how I felt then), but because it just felt...more natural. I began to change my wardrobe so that it was, at times, less masculine. My friends, particularly my female friends would comment that I was the "pretty" one. More than one of them noticed the subtle changes that I was experimenting with and made mild attempts to introduce me to makeup, or to make me feel included (or at least welcome) when they were together with their girlfriends. The few that I confided in also eventually became aware of the fact that I was also beginning to struggle not only with my gender identity, but also my sexuality as well. Eventually I was married, divorced, moved up to Billings, Montana to be closer to family and have been working to sort of figure things out a little at a time.
Now, I'll be clear...most days you would have no idea. Sure, I definitely come across as a "pretty boy", but a gender identity issue might not be evident right away. I exercise religously 5 or 6 days a week, drive a japanese performance car (that any fast and furious loving boy would drool over), and still have a male demeanor often. On the other hand, I stress over my weight and body type more than the amount of weight I can lift, my wardrobe is dominated by Express-brand items, I still shave every day, I wear makeup on occassion, and I am capable of oogling over cars in a magazine one minute and then going gah-gah over pretty things like fashion and such on pinterest. Though they fluctuate as well, my body language, speech patterns, and things of that nature are such that- I'm told at least- that many people simply automatically assume that I am gay or a "femi" guy. The few friends that I have confided in have expressed their support for whatever I do, but my family is very VERY old fashioned, judgemental, and jokes regarding people who are of non-traditional sexual/gender orientation are common with them and in this part of the country there is very little tolerance for transgender people as well as few options for counciling or things of that nature.
I honestly have a very strong feeling that the efforts that I do put forth to appear masculine are more for masking purposes or to hide myself than they are natural, because as time goes on the more I feel compelled to identify with, express myself as, and pursue things of the female variety. The growing feelings of being drawn to femininity and awkwardness of masculinity have lead me here looking for answers. I am here on this site to make a few friends, learn about what others are going through and make an attempt to learn if I am, in fact, transgendered and in denial...or if I am an androgyne and needing to simply learn how to express both sides and attempt a life-long balancing act.
I hope that I can talk to some of you more and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
