With the recent developments involving my transition to full time, I was planning to start comming out at work, although risky I feel I'm at a point that is is something I starting to need to do, however I informed my (ex)wife about my plans and it did not go over well. She works for the same company, however in a different office, and she told me she did not want me to come out at work for the issues that would be presented to her from my transition. She was very adament about this, and now I don't know what to do. this brought on a bad bout of depression to boot. So pretty much per my (ex)wifes request, I am not to come out at work. now I really feel stuck and don't really know what to do. It is really getting harder and harder for me to go to work everyday in guy mode, and need to do something.

She is your "ex" wife, is her comfort more important than your own?  You have a long life in front of you, are you going to live all of it according to her terms.

You need to think long and hard about this.

While I admire your loyality (perhaps out of hopes of a reconciliation?), if she is your 'ex' she is an EX. I cannot understand why (essentially) putting off completely your transition to full-time for a woman who perhaps had to bail just for that reason! Unless, of course, she has some "leverage" such as children in the mix?

That's a tough one. You can come out against her wishes but do know there will be consequences

Is your ex in a position of power within the company? If she is able to prevent the company from accepting your transition or has the ability to create problems, I can understand your dilemma.  Otherwise, I'd do what's best for you.   Don't feel the need to live a lie for someone else.  You have to be happy and live for yourself.  While I understand you trying to respect her wishes, this is a very tall order for her to have requested.

Without knowing how amicable the divorce was and how friendly you are now with her, it's hard to answer this question. But the main thing that jumps out at me is this is a woman whom is your past and you are letting her decide your future. I would consider looking for another job. I mean there is a lot to be said for a fresh start, away from the job and away from her. No one should be able to exercise that deal of control over you, especially an EX.

Assuming no other issues (child custody, etc), do what is best for you, and do not consider her request anymore than you would a random stranger's.

If she doesn't like it...let her know the company would prefer that she give two weeks' notice before leaving.

As one who tried to make the ex happy and not myself, I would say who care what she wants or thinks.  She can not let the door hit her on the way out.

Things are a little complicated. Although the fact we are separated, we still live in the same house and on top of that there are kids involved. So I really have a complex problem to deal with

Quote from: Jeepgirl90 on April 25, 2013, 11:24:45 PM
Things are a little complicated. Although the fact we are separated, we still live in the same house and on top of that there are kids involved. So I really have a complex problem to deal with

Kia Ora JG,

What's the future plans regarding you the children and ex ? Are you planning on moving out ?

Metta Zenda

Oh dear. So sorry you find yourself in this situation.

My suggestion would be to not deal with everything as one issue but to split it into two basic situations - the situation with your ex and kids and living together and then separately your transition.

For your transition I feel you need to be in a position of control and independence where you can take responsibility for its progress and also deal with the consequences without being reliant on other people. While people may be helpful, supportive and understanding it really is your transition at the end of the day and affects nobody else but you.

You also need to be in a position constantly where you can always fall back and rely on Number One (i.e. you) because people operate out of self-interest, most use their altruism sparingly, and there are times when people just won't follow through on what you expect them to.

It's fine and dandy to say that you need to put yourself first here which is true to some degree, but when you're living with others you're sharing your life and experience with them, it also affects them, and just to get by you're always going to have to live with some degree of compromise.

My take is here that at this moment your ex-wife has got you over a barrel so to speak. Out there in the wider world among the cisgendered when it comes to the one person with the issues most people are going to be looking at you, and this could be counterproductive when it comes to developing a support network.

Therefore all I can suggest is that you reflect on what I've written above and consider your living arrangements and relationship with your ex and kids and think about what changes need to take place so that you can put yourself into the situation above.