I posted on my blog about it and since I can't make it sound any better than I already have, here's a copy/paste.
The word of the day is INCREDIBLE.
First injection milestone
No one told me I'd feel so disappointed and frustrated. Sure, I know I have to wait for results but now that I have the bottle of testosterone sitting on my headboard I can't stop thinking 'this is taking too long.'
Today was my first shot.
I attended the advocacy appointment and I feel it went really well. When talking to people, about my personal life I have always felt uneasy and fearful of what they would think. I'd hedge around topics trying to keep the spotlight off of me and my glaringly obvious social anxiety.
Today? F'in Cake Walk.
I went to the advocacy appointment and talked to the woman there like we were best friends. I told her things that would normally make me feel squirmy and uncomfortable and I didn't bat an eye. While the stuff was coming out of my mouth I kept thinking 'WTF is going on with me? How can it be this easy?' Simple answer? Because this is what I've needed all along. I wasn't there to prove a point, to gain approval, to talk about my feelings. I was there to state facts and be myself.
Fast forward to the waiting room of the doctors office and a woman sat down next to me. She commented on my phone while I was playing a matching game (Zookeeper for Android if you're wondering) and I sat there playing my game while telling her about the phone and how much I liked it. Completely uncharacteristic of me. I usually sit quietly and if someone talks to me I don't pursue a conversation.
Let me just say that today I had a hangover and I was really tired. I'm simply amazed at how well I did today.
I got my bottle of T and went back to the doctor for an injection lesson. I was really worried about injecting into the muscle. Intramuscular vaccines tend to hurt and I expected there to be a lot of discomfort with the process today. Nope. I took a minute to work myself up to it. I concentrated on my breathing, asked for reassurance, and went ahead and stuck myself. While pausing and trying not to hyperventilate I asked myself 'Is this really what you want?' All I could think of is 'I need to stab myself with a needle and make it go in at least two inches. I think what really worried me was going too deep and hitting the bone, which is incredibly painful. I never once thought of reasons I shouldn't be doing it.
I can honestly say that today I saw the real me. I wish Clark could have been there. I think his mind would have exploded from seeing someone he's maybe seen once or twice in the almost five years we've known each other.
The emotions inside of me are pure pride and absolute joy. The fact that I found something that makes me feel like ME is incredible. It makes me want to jump for joy, scream, race around, hug everyone in sight. The fact that there was never any hesitation, despite lots of inner reflection looking for it, is so incredibly mind blowing I don't even have words to describe it.
In short, today was fantastic. The milestone is memorable. The biggest part of the day was finally realizing that this is what I'm supposed to do. I did feel slightly sad that I had to inject - that I wasn't born in a mans body so I never had a true childhood or puberty but I can do it now. I can do it thanks to my bravery, the support of a wonderful man and a few incredible friends. I can finally realize who I am.
Today I loved myself.
