Not, as you may have at first thought, a thread about fizzy drinks.

No - I was hoping for some advice on a situation at work.  I can't remember whether I've mentioned this on here before, but I work as a bingo caller in a large-chain bingo hall in quite a small town, and I'm transitioning on the job.  Everyone, staff and customers alike, have been incredibly kind and supportive, though there's something that's begun to get to me and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it, if at all.

There's an elderly couple (in their mid to late eighties) who come in almost daily.  I get on very well with them on a superficial level - they're pleasant and charming in their manner, though some of their views on race and sexuality are very archaic.  In fact, at certain times they've been startlingly casually racist.  The difficulty is that until a couple of months ago, perhaps, they seemed to be resolutely ignoring my transition.  They were perhaps a little confused about it, but avoided using pronouns and just didn't talk about it, which was fine with me.  Maybe eight weeks ago, though, the lady evidently became too curious and confused to keep quiet any longer, and as I was checking her bingo claim, she said, 'Oh!  I thought it was a lad!  But it's a lady, isn't it?  It's a lady!'  Which was slightly unusual as she knows my name and didn't simply say - 'But it's A___, isn't it?'  Sadly, as this was during the bingo, everyone looked and many customers around heard the exchange, and I was slightly self-conscious.  In the interval, I went up to her quietly and carefully explained that it was alright to call me a lad, as I was in fact transgendered (I actually phrased it 'having a sex change,' as I thought she might be more likely to have heard this phrase).  She then looked horrified, and began to talk very quickly about mint fondants in a tone of 'We will never discuss this again.'  And I thought that was the end of it.  Sadly, for the last eight weeks, every time she sees me, she's been shouting quite loudly, 'There she is!' and talking at me (affectionately but emphatically), using female pronouns almost every other word.  I tried to avoid going near her, though really it's incredibly hard as she's a customer and I have to serve her with change and check her bingo claims (there's also a certain level of friendly customer interaction expected in the job role, and I'm a painfully polite person - if she initiates a conversation or calls me over I really don't feel I can snub her).

I thought for a while that I could simply overlook this and blank it out, but I'm encountering her on almost a daily basis, and a typical conversation with her goes (please believe I'm not exaggerating):

H: There she is!  A____!  Come and give me some change.  You were ignoring me, weren't you?
A: No, no, H!  Not at all!
H: How are you? ([To her husband] There she is.  She's always here, isn't she?  Isn't she?  She's a good lass, isn't she?
A: I'm fine thanks.
H: She's fine.  Of course she's fine.  She's a lovely lass.  A lovely girl.  I saw her walking down by ASDA the other day.  Do you remember, R?  I said to you then, 'There she is!  Walking down by ASDA.  She's a lovely lass.  What a lovely lass.'  Is that my change?  Good girl.

I know she's slightly nuts.  But she's certainly not suffering from senile dementia - the only way I can rationalise this is that she's just completely confused by the whole thing and trying to cling on to her idea of things as she's known them all her life.  But it's really upsetting me.  Also, other customers are seeing and hearing me accept her use of these female appellations and growing even more confused.

What do you think?  Should I try to gently explain to her that repeatedly calling me 'she' and a 'lass' is hurting me and making me feel uncomfortable, when I know this will further shock and offend her, and possibly seriously upset her, as well?  I suppose, rather worryingly, it comes down to - which is more important, her comfort or mine?  I've always hoped that I was a fairly selfless person, but at the same time, I don't want to be a doormat.  A large part of the reason I came out was so that I could feel a certain level of confidence in telling people who I know I am, and letting this happen just feels like taking a step back.  I have to be sensitive, though, I know, and remember that this is a huge thing for her - she's never before in her life encountered a transgendered person and I don't want to thoughtlessly shove anything in her face that she's not ready to accept.

Aaaargh.  What a mess.  Deep down I know I'll probably just let her continue, suck it up and 'be a man,' lol.  But regardless, it's been nice to get the problem all down here in black and white - help me work through it in my own head.

Any and all advice greatly appreciated!

Have you asked your boss or HR person for advice? I would have said something like, "No, you had it right the first time--I'm a guy." But I think the time for that has long passed, and it probably wouldn't have had any effect on this particular customer. I don't think I would have pulled her aside and come out to her, especially at work, but that's me.

It sounds a bit like something a trans guy I know deals with. His elderly father still calls him "she" in public. Since the guy is in NO way feminine-appearing, people get confused. The trans guy smiles, rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and does the little tap-tap on the head or the "crazy" circular motion with his finger. I guess people get the impression that the father has dementia.

I don't think this would go over well in a work situation. Have you talked to the husband at all? I still think your employer is the one to talk to. You don't want to violate company policy or mishandle the situation.

Did you tell her that you were male, or just that you were "having a sex change"?  Trans men aren't as well known, so she might think that she's actually being nice by referring to you as female all the time.

On the other hand, she actually sounds a little like my grandmother, who's in her early seventies and lives with my quite racist, homophobic grandfather.  She is always saying calling me her "lovely girl", buying female clothes and things like that, when she's not mocking and imitating me that is.  She doesn't know that I'm trans, but everyone else has twigged onto the fact that I act male, I dress male, and that's not going to change, except her.  I think she's just stuck in the ideology that someone who was once female should act and dress like a lady, and needs to pushing to enjoy these things.  Sort of "curing" but on a more subconscious level and doing it to be kind, I don't really know how to describe it.

I would probably just gently bring up that you don't like female pronouns the next time she says it, but be really polite about it and not mention that it hurts you.  But as Arch said, it's probably best to talk to someone higher up who's dealing with you transitioning on the job encase anything goes wrong.

Quote from: AlexanderC on April 23, 2013, 09:22:20 AM
Did you tell her that you were male, or just that you were "having a sex change"?  Trans men aren't as well known, so she might think that she's actually being nice by referring to you as female all the time.

I was thinking this same thing, but I'm not sure of the details.  I also think it may be a good idea to talk to your boss or the director of the bingo hall or someone else who might be able to explain it to her or support you if she does get upset.  Just be careful about how many people you let hear her call you female without correcting her.  They may take that as being what you want and start calling you those things themselves.  From what I can see, you have a really good attitude towards it and are very understanding of her situation, which is important in delicate matters like this.  I'd get some help with it-- talk to your boss and see if they have any ideas.

You said it, She's in her Mid to Late 80's.

I seriously doubt she will change.  The management can talk with her, but it will probably do nothing but cause bad feelings.

Its rotten, frustrating and unfortunate, but I think you might have to be the bigger person in this and try to ignore her comments.

You could always try having one last, quiet word with her (or her husband, if you think that might help)... but dealing with it yourself could cause the situation to escalate. But her behaviour is not actually your problem. It's your employer's.

The fact that you're in the UK means that your employer has a duty under the Equality Act 2010 to protect you from discrimination and harassment at work... and that includes harassment from customers. And yes, what she's doing is harassment, even if she doesn't realise it. And if she's in her 80s, there's a very good chance that she doesn't realise it.

If this is really bothering you (and I can fully understand why it would - it would bother the living daylights out of me) you need to bring it to the attention of your line manager. Delegate it upwards so that they can sort it out for you. At the very least, they need to be aware that it's happening so that they can manage the situation. Point out the provisions of the Equality Act, and ask them to intervene on your behalf. It's their job - not yours - to stop the customer from harassing you. If anyone needs to have that quiet word with the customer, it's your manager. At least then you can't get into trouble if anything goes wrong.

Under the Act, there are three types of harassment, and your customer's behaviour falls under Type 1 (see the PDF below, page 24): "creating for [you] an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment".

In order to invoke your rights, your employer has to know that you're trans and that this customer's behaviour constitutes harassment. It looks like your employer already knows you're transitioning, so they now have a duty to protect you from harassment. So your employer must take all reasonable steps to stop it happening again.

See here for an employee's guide to the Equality Act: http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/uploaded_files/EqualityAct/employees_how_you_are_managed.pdf

I'd go to your boss or superior and share what you've shared here. I don't think anything which you could say to her further is going to change her views or the situation.

The way I see it is that she misgendered you, you've tried to correct it and explain it, which of course should be beyond any sort of discussion and choice. Yeah they say the customer is always right and all that, but this doesn't give anyone as a customer licence to treat staff however which way they wish.

Personal freedom and freedom of speech is fine out there on the sidewalk, but the moment you walk into any establishment then you come under the terms of their policies and code of conduct - staff, customers, whatever it doesn't matter. The code of conduct still applies.

I would have been a bit more emphatic, but I'm not you and we all have our own way of expressing ourselves. You did try and resolve the issue, she escalated it, and to me whichever way you look at it it's now a matter between her and your boss.

This is where support comes into it. You tried and she didn't get it. Maybe now if your boss or superior tries she will get it, and if she still doesn't get it maybe she can find another bingo hall to frequent. Sometimes hearing it a second time round from a different person does the trick.

I hope it turns out well.

Quote from: AlexanderC on April 23, 2013, 09:22:20 AM
Did you tell her that you were male, or just that you were "having a sex change"?  Trans men aren't as well known, so she might think that she's actually being nice by referring to you as female all the time.

There is a chance that what Alex said is true. The lady might think she is doing the right thing because she has never heard of a ftm. She might think you're going the opposite way.

Just to be on the safe side I would leave any further discussions about this to your employer. Approaching your boss and at least notifying them of the situation would be best. If you say something else to her (and she is transphobic) it could cause a huge scene. I used to work at a 24 hour diner and would encounter a lot of elderly customers while waiting tables if I worked mornings. I passed about 50/50 back then so every once in awhile an older person would see my name tag, look at my face, and then ask out loud, "Are you a boy or a girl". On the inside I was mortified every single time (I live in a small town in the Southern USA) but I would answer them quickly and move on, "I'm a man...you must need a refill on coffee as you're not quite awake yet. Let me get that for you." and walk off quickly before they could ask anything else.

Until you can get things sorted out with her my advice is to try to limit your interactions with her as much as possible. Even maybe asking her to just call you by your name might help, "You always must forget my name because you never use it. Since you're one of my favorite customers you should use it. From now on just call me Clive". Not sure if that would help...but it's a different approach without bringing up transgender issues with her again. Good luck.

Thanks for all the advice, guys

Sorry - I should've explained in my original post - she knows I'm going from female to male (I've been working at the bingo for several years and have been there since I was presenting as my birth sex - she's only ever really known me as female, before this).  I didn't so much take her aside and come out to her as just mention it gently when I brought her prize money, as a way of trying to alleviate her confusion a bit.  Another thing I maybe should've mentioned in my original post is that although I've yet to start my physical transition, I've completely transitioned socially (the NHS requires me to do this in order to receive treatment), so in every respect I'm considered a male member of staff and have been going by my male name since September.  My management have been unbelievably supportive - they've talked at length with me about it and we've agreed that if any customers are confused they shouldn't be afraid to ask me questions.  I know this probably wouldn't happen in some other work environments, but it's such a unique workplace, really - we're the town's main social hotspot, and most of our customers come in nearly every day - some of them I'm sure even consider us a kind of 'family' (which sounds nauseating, lol, but it's sort of true).  Everyone knows everyone else in some way or another.

As many of you recommended, I think I'm just going to keep the quiet and the peace - it would cause too much of a fuss and more turmoil for all parties concerned if I said anything.  And I've had such an overwhelmingly positive response from customers on the whole about my transition (I know some of them sometimes say nasty things behind my back, but as long as it isn't to my face, I can live with it) that it seems a nitpicky thing to be concerned over, I suppose

I think I can make my peace with it by reasoning that she's not saying these things to hurt me - she's just clinging on to her idea of things as she knew them.

It'll be interesting, I suppose, to see what happens when I start to change physically, though!

In the light of what you've posted I'd just let it go. She doesn't pay your wages as such, and not everybody is able to wrap their heads around the complexities of transitioning.

I'd agree that she's not doing it intentionally or maliciously, but is probably unaware of the nuances involved or the distress being misgendered could cause you. Trans is probably something that's way off her radar because it's not something she deals with in her life, and it could just well be if she is thinking about it (which I doubt) she's probably unlikely to find a way of discussing it with anyone in her environment.

I'd even go as far as to say that the most likely way she'll change is when she sees someone else treating you as male, and then the penny will drop and she will do likewise.

I look at it differently.  Would you be similarly resigned to being misgendered if instead of calling you the wrong pronoun she called you whatever racial slur?

"H: Would you look at that Jew?   What a lovely Jew.  I saw them walking down by the river.  Probably looking for coins if you know what I mean.  Do you remember, R?  I said to you then, 'There's that koshie that works here.   Is that my change?  I'm surprised you gave it back."  And so on.   Obviously I could have made this much worse.   

You see there is no way I would ever stand for that.  I dare say neither would most other people.  No one deserves to be mocked loudly and in public about who they are.  It wouldn't matter if they completely ignorant about the pain they were causing.  If education doesn't solve their rude behavior, hitting the curb might.       

To me disrespecting gender and disrespecting race is the same thing.  They are being rude and flippant about who you are.  This is not some little thing.  These things are what eat away at your soul until there are holes.  Holes are very hard to patch and I would know.

Talk to the management about speaking to her.  Don't minimize yourself.  You are important and deserve to be treated well.