You're going to end up outing me to pretty much everyone if you keep sending random e-mails to teachers and making sure they're chock full of female pronouns, just because there can't possibly be any doubt left in that teachers' mind about what you think your child is. I'm so sick of this nonsense, I don't have to prove myself but I still make the effort to help you see. Yes, thank you for buying me these compression tanks from the dollar store, but then don't rub salt into my wounds by buying me a women's fitted t-shirt that you'll yell at me for never wearing. I'm not able to do the laundry, I don't have the time. You're home all day. So why does it go for months without getting done?

I'm horribly uncomfortable about all of this, I know NYC has strict anti-discrimination laws for trans kids but I'm terrified that they won't know and understand. Some kids don't know and I don't know them that well but they know my name and call me female pronouns and I feel like I'm being stabbed. That's literally what it feels like to be called a girl, a stabbing, twisting pain in my chest and stomach. I don't want to go on like this, edgy and paranoid at every turn of someone misgendering me.

My parents have been on the phone a lot lately, always talking about me. Always "she" and "her" and "gender bulls**t" and "I think she's crazy" and it's enough to drive me up the wall. You wouldn't do this to my male cousins, so why me? I'm growing horribly envious of them more than ever now, I always secretly hated them because I wasn't included in "the boys".

Now Mom, there's something you need to understand, and you too, Dad. I'm not your property, not yours to brag about or rip on until I slam the door shut so I can cry in peace. I am a living, breathing, feeling creature with real emotions and feelings that can be hurt. And I don't care if you like what I am or not. It is your DUTY to stand by me- you call yourselves my biggest advocates? Prove it. Stand up for what I am, the person I am trapped inside. Don't just tell me it's the powers that be that placed me into this body, the one that isn't male. The powers that be can engage in a bout of self-fornication and subsequently expire in an aperture in the ground. You want respect, then you show some to humanity itself, people that impose their own thoughts on others in the form of hatred and negative stereotypes sicken me.

I don't need to live my life in fear. The teenage years are some of the most vulnerable, with stress and all sorts of changes in the brain. Instead of trying to pass off all the quirks in my behavior as autism or ADHD or sensory integration disorder or whatever newfangled thing you come up with, go look at them again and see that they match up to a stereotypically male-gendered brain. I bet if you scanned mine it would come up as that of a small, young male. Why should I be ridiculed because my brain and body are at odds with one another?

One of the pettiest girls in my entire music class walked along the hallway with me between classes, it took under a minute to explain once I stopped stuttering and spit it out. She just said that made me an exception to the norm, and that it's actually kind of cool. I get that a lot, maybe it's cool to others that I have the balls to stand up for myself but it's terrible looking out from the inside. All this pain over something so small.

I hate it that I need to feel confined, had a horrible flare-up of dysphoria today out of the blue. I rampaged through all of my clothing, trying things on and just not looking male enough. I looked at my hair, hated it, hated my legs and arms and chest and face and everything. Why? My mother said I'd look like a dyke if I got the back of my hair cut. It's the little things that get you.

Nothing is worse than hearing "ladies" or "yes ma'am" and realizing with horror that the teacher is including you or calling on you, it hurts so badly. I feel emasculated when it happens, like someone is there laughing and saying "HAH YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN YOU'RE JUST A FAT UGLY GIRL NO MAN CARD FOR YOU EVER!!!11" while I want to curl up in the corner and die. Goddamn nonexistent metaphorical jerk.

I want some kind of support so I can get an STP and a packer and a real binder and not be worried about all the crap involved in hiding things. I shouldn't need to hide. My body is changing itself without even having a high T level for a natal female, it's just doing this and next thing you know she'll say I'm taking illegal steroids. I'm not, I swear. Going through the drama a teenage boy faces on top of the drama a teenage girl is expected to face on top of the drama a trans kid faces on top of my own family drama and health issues is breaking my back, I want a minute of rest. The end seems so far away, I'm losing my mind thinking of all the time lost because who knows how long I'll live? I could get a script for T and be hit by a bus the same day. I sure as hell am not dying as a female. Out of the question.

I will be the man I should be, and when I run there won't be any looking back. But someone has got to get this weight off of me before I can run anywhere, unshackle me from the chains of this family.

Being a teenager is hard, but being a trans teenager is even harder.  Hugs.

In time things will get better and you will get to grow into the young man that you are inside.  I know saying "it gets better" means nothing when you are a kid living in the now, but honestly it really does.  Many of us here on the forum can attest to that.  So, try to look forward to the future and take solace in knowing that you will one day be independent and able to make your own life decisions.   

Thanks. It's just annoying, I'm not going through all this just to have her reject and make fun of me. If I wanted to do that I'd have bought a clown outfit and gone to school in it making donkey noises. She seems to be realizing it some days and not on others, but whether she does or not she still hates me for it, as if I chose.

Sorry buddy. I wish I had the appropriate words of horror for this. The only thing I can say is 'keep your head up'. It will be over soon. You will be out of there soon and be a better man for all you've had to endure.

Sorry for the double post. But Liminal, I've been reading your posts and just never knew what to say. Ya know, when you're a teenager, you experience time differently than older people. A couple years seem like an eternity. I did not come out as trans at your age and I can only imagine the upheaval if I did. As it was I came out as a 27 year old heroin addict in and out of jail that my folks had all but given up on. And at that point, parents are so used to 'bad news' for their child nothing phases them.

Your parents' actions are awful and I know it seems so far away to you now, but you will be free of them soon. You had the courage to come out and be true to yourself at a young age. Your folks' reactions can't take anything away from you. You're man enough to be true to yourself in face of opposition and that will serve you throughout your lifetime. Be proud of yourself. I am, even though I don't know you. All men suffer hardships. You will come out of this soon a stronger man. Don't let them get you down.

I will back the point about being a teenager but if my own recollections are correct, it may deserve some clarification.

Yes, our emotions are all messed up when we are teenagers.

Yes, our thoughts and ambitions and dreams and our perception of life is endlessly messed up.

But that happens to everyone. What makes it so different for you and many others at that time is the difficulty those who have based their own lives on being our guides, our mentors, our thinkers, our decision makers, these people are now having to come to terms with the reality that we are not children. That we are different and that our own view of our own destiny is going to be very different from theirs.

They need to grow up. Those that did their own duty while we needed to be cared for. They need to grow up and accept that the world and us and them are all changing.

In an ideal world, you, as the teenager, would be helping your mother to grow up with you.

But for you as with some other teenagers, life is different. Because you are going a different road.

All you can reasonably do is try your best to reassure your mother that you will be OK.

I really hope so, Admin. I just got into another screaming argument with her. She thinks that I want this or something, and that we can't always have what we want. If I remember correctly, the next lyrics tell us that we can in fact get what we need...if we try. Those powers that be know very well that I'm trying. I wouldn't be doing this to myself for nothing at all. It's not about my boyfriend, or fitting a mold, or making more problems, or psychosis. Contrary to what she seems to think, I can full well tell my teachers and they'll be legally obligated to work with me on it. Therapy sure as hell can't make me spend another four years dragging myself through a field of broken glass and rusty nails. Maybe others have suffered more, but I've got other things to worry about and just want this over with as soon as possible. I don't identify as transgender, I'm a guy in the wrong body. Never born to be a girl, never born to be some "dyke" either, orientation isn't gender. Sex isn't gender. Gender is gender. Mine is male, acknowledge it, Mom.

She can't accept anything being different than she wants, it's like dealing with a two year old throwing a tantrum. I can't stand the thought that I'm not allowed to remedy a problem once and for all because she thinks duct tape can fix a house that's falling apart.

I understand where you are coming from.  In general, the trans community has to face people saying we are delusional and are just confused about what we want.  In addition to this, you have to the patronizing "you're to young to know what you really want".  It's annoying and I don't blame you for feeling frustrated.  It's tough when you are young.  However, there is one good thing that can come out of this.  If you keep reinforcing the notion that you're a man and that this will not change, eventually they will come to understand this reality.  Once you start transitioning there will be no shocks or surprises.  I think that's a positive to keep in mind (at least in my book).  So, try to simply reinforce your identity to them as best as possible and try to avoid fighting while doing it.  I know it's tough and wish you lots of luck.

Yeah....

I had a mandatory psych eval last night (place I go to therapy at requires it for everybody) and the psychiatrist was understanding of everything, but of course my mother had to come in and sit with him and me after that initial conversation. He described it as a male soul trapped in a female body and I never liked that explanation but it's just the simplest way to put it. Screw hair-splitting.

So this male soul found it very painful to hear a psychiatrist and this woman refer to him as she, her, daughter, girl, all the good things. Very, very painful. I'm in 11th grade now, which makes the idea of transitioning to teachers harder. Why? I've already had plenty, they see me all the time and loudly yell my birth name while saying hello. I don't want to run in the other direction from them, even though I know they don't see me I feel bad. I just want to be cis so badly, no cismale puts up with this nonsense. I don't care that I'm not female. I kind of like it, no offense to any girls here. But someone really needs to fix this messed-up body.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on May 02, 2013, 07:16:57 PM
I don't care that I'm not female. I kind of like it, no offense to any girls here.

I am so offended right now that i'm fuming 

Seriously, it sounds like you are taking some good steps.  You are getting counseling and this may help your mother digest everything that is going on.  It sucks, but even little steps can be giant leaps forward.  Remember, as difficult as it seems, your mother loves you and wants you to live a good life.  The more she learns and understands about these issues, the more likely she will be able to accept your identity.

You may want to ask your therapist to refer to you with male pronouns.  It seems that he understands your situation, so why not ask him and tell him the alternative makes you feel uncomfortable.   

Quote from: learningtolive on May 02, 2013, 08:39:45 PM
I am so offended right now that i'm fuming 

Seriously, it sounds like you are taking some good steps.  You are getting counseling and this may help your mother digest everything that is going on.  It sucks, but even little steps can be giant leaps forward.  Remember, as difficult as it seems, your mother loves you and wants you to live a good life.  The more she learns and understands about these issues, the more likely she will be able to accept your identity.

You may want to ask your therapist to refer to you with male pronouns.  It seems that he understands your situation, so why not ask him and tell him the alternative makes you feel uncomfortable.   

Oh no D:

My therapist understands, and she does except if my mother is present. As does the psychiatrist I had to see yesterday. But as soon as she steps into earshot, everything changes. Baby steps indeed, but I hate the fact that everything has to be put off until I can legally make my own decisions. My worst fear is that I'll go through more female puberty things and suddenly develop a huge chest or something like that. My family members tend to be larger there, I'm not, thankfully...but now I don't know, going through a growth spurt after years of no growth so I don't know what's going on with me in a biological sense.

She doesn't want to know and learn and understand. To put it this way, she was born in the 50's and raised in a strictly conservative Catholic household. Those are the teachings she's stuck to her entire life, she claims not to be homophobic but can be harshly so on the level of the subconscious. She's openly and internally transphobic, and so to her I'm practically a child murderer. I've taken this girl she thought she had and killed her, leaving some horrible freakish monster. It's not my fault I didn't always know. I didn't pick that, or pick to be this way in the first place. But when I go through her discounting every single thing and have to see and hear things against what I know myself to be, it frustrates and angers me. No cis person would have to go through this. I don't care if it makes me a better person in the end, right now it sucks bigtime.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on May 02, 2013, 08:55:38 PM
Oh no D:

My therapist understands, and she does except if my mother is present. As does the psychiatrist I had to see yesterday. But as soon as she steps into earshot, everything changes. Baby steps indeed, but I hate the fact that everything has to be put off until I can legally make my own decisions. My worst fear is that I'll go through more female puberty things and suddenly develop a huge chest or something like that. My family members tend to be larger there, I'm not, thankfully...but now I don't know, going through a growth spurt after years of no growth so I don't know what's going on with me in a biological sense.

She doesn't want to know and learn and understand. To put it this way, she was born in the 50's and raised in a strictly conservative Catholic household. Those are the teachings she's stuck to her entire life, she claims not to be homophobic but can be harshly so on the level of the subconscious. She's openly and internally transphobic, and so to her I'm practically a child murderer. I've taken this girl she thought she had and killed her, leaving some horrible freakish monster. It's not my fault I didn't always know. I didn't pick that, or pick to be this way in the first place. But when I go through her discounting every single thing and have to see and hear things against what I know myself to be, it frustrates and angers me. No cis person would have to go through this. I don't care if it makes me a better person in the end, right now it sucks bigtime.

People can come around.  I have friends that have struggled with family and eventually they all did learn to accept it.  It's very rare for people to accept it automatically, but in the end, there are many that do.  Even some of the most conservative people can learn and become open minded in time.  Your right that no cis person goes through this, but they have their own crosses to bear in life too.  Life isn't perfect and there will always be unfair circumstances that surround us.  However, we have to deal with it in a productive manner.  You're a young man and have your whole life ahead of you.  It's tough to go through this, but you are facing this at an early age.  That is both admirable and remarkable.  I didn't have your courage at that age.  You are a brave young man and will be able to see this through.  Just have faith in yourself and try to be patient with your family even when you feel like you can't.  Soon enough, you will be able to make your own decisions if your family can't accept it.

I hope I can be brave enough, it's not even courage so much as pushing myself to do something out of an increasing unwillingness to put up with being closeted and everything that comes with it. I'm not coping and shoving everything back in there, that's unfair. I need my closet space. There have been enough unfair circumstances to warrant a generic "dude that sucks" if anyone ever heard my life story, without the trans part. Not that my life was the worst ever, but I don't need this on top of it. No one does, really. But I've got these tests coming up and all it's doing is adding stress because I just want to be who I am, no lengthy explanation or awkwardness or hatred from parents attached. Which isn't really a whole lot to ask for, but I guess it's too much because my paternal sex chromosome was picked out by a bunch of knuckleheads who thought it'd be funny to do this. Maybe I was some terrible misogynist in another life and this is some sort of punishment to teach me a lesson. If so, lesson learned. Kind of.

I still don't even know how female minds work, so I got the short end of the stick twice. Can't pretend to understand and be one of the girls, can't have the freedom of body so that the former wouldn't be necessary. I can't be myself fully, and can't try hiding under the shell of a girl because...I'm not one. Woo, big surprise there.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed of my body a lot, like I'm doing something wrong and shameful by being in it. I hate myself for only owning a female body, and would like to put something else on that I'm comfortable in. Something I could belong in and be glad to call my body instead of a badly made costume.

My mother may never come around, and I just don't care anymore. Legal age is it for me, I want to get things over with as soon as I can so that I don't waste any more years of my life sitting around like this. It really makes me wonder how some of the other folks around here have managed to put up with this as long as they have, especially if they knew early on.

I'll be honest - this annoys me:

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on May 02, 2013, 09:33:02 PM
My therapist understands, and she does except if my mother is present. As does the psychiatrist I had to see yesterday. But as soon as she steps into earshot, everything changes.

Please, the next time you see either of these professionals, the first thing you should do is to point this out to them. Tell them that by switching your pronouns as soon as your mother walks into the room, not only are they hurting your feelings immensely... but they're reinforcing your mother's denial of your gender identity and in doing so they're making things more difficult for your whole family. Your mother needs confirmation from a medical professional that you have GD. Your shrink went part-way there by with that male soul in a female body analogy... but using female pronouns etc. completely undermines that message. Tell them that you need a heck of a lot more support from them in getting the message across. Tell them you need them to be consistent in addressing you as male at all times - including in front of your mother - to help both of you to come to terms with your GD.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on May 02, 2013, 09:33:02 PM
I hope I can be brave enough, it's not even courage so much as pushing myself to do something out of an increasing unwillingness to put up with being closeted and everything that comes with it.

Max, you are brave enough. Having read many of your posts, I can tell that you're intelligent, funny, articulate, self-aware and courageous. You're behind enemy lines at the moment, but you're still fighting with everything you have. As soon as you're old enough to make your own decisions, you're going to be an awesome man. Keep doing what you're doing.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on May 02, 2013, 09:33:02 PM
I feel embarrassed and ashamed of my body a lot, like I'm doing something wrong and shameful by being in it. I hate myself for only owning a female body, and would like to put something else on that I'm comfortable in. Something I could belong in and be glad to call my body instead of a badly made costume.

You will. We've all worn that costume before, but it's just a temporary situation until you're old enough to do something about it. You know full well that as soon as you hit the age of majority you'll be free to make your own decisions. You won't need your mother's permission to do anything. You've made it this far and you're almost there... just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll soon be out in the open.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on May 02, 2013, 09:33:02 PM
My mother may never come around, and I just don't care anymore. Legal age is it for me, I want to get things over with as soon as I can so that I don't waste any more years of my life sitting around like this.

Yes, she may never come around. But her attitude may improve. The funny thing is: it's difficult for cisgendered people to understand what we're going through when we still present more or less as our birth sex. They see a girl, so they insist that this is what you are. It's awful, it's humiliating, it's dehumanising... but because they're judging you on your appearance, as soon as you start successfully transitioning they will see the changes in your appearance and they just won't be able to bring themselves to call you 'she' any more. And if they insist on doing so? Well then, they're jerks and you don't need them in your life. Give your mother time; she might surprise you.

Quote from: Liminal Stranger on May 02, 2013, 09:33:02 PM
It really makes me wonder how some of the other folks around here have managed to put up with this as long as they have, especially if they knew early on.

With great, great difficulty... and in many cases, with a huge dose of denial.

I knew that I wasn't a girl when I was five years old... back in the mid-1970s. Back then (and also when I was going through puberty, my teens, and becoming a young adult) there was no information about transsexuals, but particularly FtMs. So not only was there no info, but there was no support whatsoever. Many of us really did feel like we were the only person going through this nightmare.

But you have us. We're your alternative family... and we're here for you, every step of the way.

Wow, thank you. I realize I thank people a lot for their replies, but I do mean it. The thing with these professionals is that we have a mutual understanding of my mother being analogous to a minefield and both would rather not push the subject with me. They understand me as male whereas she doesn't, and she is the one who will pitch a fit and storm out if they try to help her see things differently. Which does suck, but I'd rather at least have some professionals to talk to than have her find someone who can "fix" me.

I'd like to put this off and carry on but it's affecting my interactions with teachers and some students and my mother on a daily basis, as if dysphoria weren't hard enough to handle. There are no adult family members for me to talk with so I don't have that, I have a boyfriend and a once a week therapy session and this second family here to vent and cry to or share passing experiences with. Passing is such a monumental thing to me and I can't share my happiness with my mother because she'd go into a rage, I can't cry to her about people calling me a girl because if I mention it she says it's what I am and to deal with it, just be male in my head. Doesn't work that way though.

I told my guidance counselor that I go by Max, though she seems to have forgotten that within the space of a day. Loudly greeted me with my birthname when I walked into the office to get something signed. To rub salt in the wounds opened by my biology and history teachers that I had been tending to silently because I get that they don't know, she talked to someone who does attendance in the computer system, pointed to me from a few feet away and said, "She's not going to be here Monday; I told her that I'd sign the form for her, can I do that and then leave it in your office?".

Holy hell, it was like being assaulted with a set of serrated knives. A wound to the ego can be brutal.
Of course, I surely wasn't going to break down and burst into tears in front of anyone. I don't like anyone seeing me cry, it makes me feel vulnerable. So I went into the usual state of taciturn vexation, trying to end my stay in the office with as few words as possible. The only positive is that being grumpy lowers my voice a bit more than half an octave. Not that it would make them stop misgendering me, but hearing myself sound masculine gradually took the edge off my anger. I let myself have a fleeting moment of sadness, then went numb afterwards. It's not a good defense mechanism, but it's the one I have built in.

Just to top it off, the Adderall I'm on right now lifts some of my speaking inhibitions, though most go away when I'm read as male. But this meant that today I actually explained to my friend that I am in a relationship with a boy. So he used that to get the girl I've been sort of seeing to leave me alone on account of "being gay", I explained afterwards about my entire sexuality/romantic orientation which was a handful. But she's furious that he found out first, even though I thought I'd told her about him before. She assumed my open relationship was with a girl, I don't understand why the person's gender drastically changes the situation but apparently it's a big deal to her. I had a feeling she wasn't clear on it and meant to tell her yesterday but never saw her because I was busy seeing my guidance counselor and trying not to cry. But as timing would have it, I talked to him first and he saw it as a great excuse to make her back off of both me and him, or at least me, because she was refusing to give me space. But that doesn't mean she needed to be slighted like that and I've apologized sincerely and explained but all I can do is wait and see if she can find it in her to even forgive me. I hope she does...

My boyfriend himself said some rather triggering things today in the park while we were wrestling. One thing was, however, a joke to rile me up because I was tired and didn't want to play anymore, which was a really stupid idea on his part because if not for the restraint I've learned to put on myself in reactions, things could have turned into a nightmare involving him getting seriously injured. As it was I tackled him and had to stop myself from swinging punches at him. Needless to say, he learned not to ever do that again and we made up. I felt miffed that he would even try something that stupid, but I guess he doesn't know just how painful little reminders of something very wrong can be.

Now tomorrow I have three SAT subject tests, of course I'm marked as female and will have to bubble this over, and over, and over again. On AP exams as well, I bet. As much as I am always tempted to check/bubble in/whatever the box for male, I fear invalidating my exam. So I avoid it by lying to them...oh, the irony.