I have not been on much because school got in the way. I still don't know exactly what I am as far as gender and sexuality goes, but I know that at least I am a male cross dresser, and at most I am transgender. I do like women and I have thought about men before but I don't think I could be with one at the moment. I have thought that I may be bigender because I often switch between whether or not I want to be a guy or be a girl. I do have times where I am okay with being a guy, but there are times where I wish I was just one of the girls. This post is more of an update. I wanted to share. The update is to say that I told my best friend. She was understanding and the way it looks in a couple of weeks we are going to have a few days of hanging out. It looks like dress up to start, and I am not sure what else it will turn into. I might even go out dressed. Yes it is a bit much real soon, but if I am passable I could not think of a better person to be with for the fist time. I don't know if it is wrong of me to wish she would just refer to me as a girl or not. She says she wants to, but she does not know how to go about it. She is not fully comfortable with it. We did talk about maybe stripping in front of each other (my question that I wanted to ask before those few days come) and she was like well you are a guy and all I don't mind if you do, but I don't know. I was hurt. She did say maybe. I was definitively in what I have termed girl mode when we talked and it sucked that she could not just see me as I am. I guess I am just being sore, because I can see it from her point of view as well.

Wow sorry all. I did not mean for this to turn into a rant of sorts.

See the thing is she is very accepting of it and looks forward to our few days together and she is more than willing to try just about anything as well as I, but those are the two hiccups. She wants to refer to me as female, but is not sure. See we are childhood friends and I understand it will be hard. The other is reasonable. I can't expect her to just be okay with striping like girls when I have a male body and I do have some sort of feeling for girls. I am still not sure if that is just because I want to be one or not. I do like them though and I do get aroused. I don't know if that is too much info or not. I guess I just wish she would have said okay to everything right off the bat. She did say she would try about the pronouns when we are together, and a maybe on the latter. I don't know if it was too much but thinking back it might have been. I am sorry for the long posts, but I just felt the need to let everything out. This is the first time I have been on since I registered. I just kind of got busy and life did not give me time to ponder and write. I just need to let it all out of my system.

I have thought that I might be bigender and if that is the case then I don't wan to take advantage of her. Damn this is confusing.

Well you're not on hormones yet and still not sure if you really want to be a woman so that could be a big reason she doesn't want to strip in front of you. Oh yeah, and you like women. She seems cool and she seems like she will accept you if and when you decide which direction you want to take.

Quote from: Fezzika on May 03, 2013, 02:08:34 AM
It is a sad truth Bookworm but cis folks tend to be a little squeamish around trans folks.  I have told friends, girlfriends, wives and lovers of my gender status, almost all of them were put off by it, to one degree or another.

Outside my family, I haven't found this to be the case at all. Either way OP, hope you figure it out.

I get that and I am okay with that. As I said I flip flop on which gender I want to be and see myself on the inside, and at the time I was definitely a girl at that moment. At that moment it is what I wanted. I get it though. I do want to be honest here so not leaving things out seems important. She said as much. She will even help me come out if need be. She is like a sis to me and I am glad she lets me call her as such.

Quote from: Fezzika on May 03, 2013, 02:31:16 AM
Probably one big difference between you and I Joanna, I'm guessing you present as non-cis mostly, whereas I have previously always presented as cis, but with a secret.  Maybe that's the part that doesn't work well for me.

I present as andro right now but  some people now i'm trans and they are cool. Why would you think I present as non-cis? I don't get it.

If the picture is you I think you are very pretty for the regard. I don't think you would have any problem passing.

Quote from: Bookworm on May 03, 2013, 02:34:55 AM
If the picture is you I think you are very pretty for the regard. I don't think you would have any problem passing.

aww thanks lol you might be my new favorite person!

Your welcome 

I hope I will be passable someday if I do choose to go that route, or even be passable as a cross dresser if that is my choice too. I don't know if I will be. I am growing my hair out though. That is a plus in our society today long hair is not that odd on guys. My little bit of femininity and nobody can say anything. I plan to keep in neat so jobs should not have too much problems with it.

Hey there bookworm.  I also identify as bigendered.  My gender expression is often situational.

Do you ever just want to be the other gender that is not your bio one when you ID as the other?

What I mean is do you seem to flip flop too and when you do: do you wish your body was that of the other sex.

Oh I didn't tak offense maybe i wrote a little too glib though sorry. I was just wondering what you meant by non-cis. The term is confusing. It has nothing to do with being old lol

what I meant was for both you and Jamie D. You both are bigender and if I have the term correct then you tend to associate with both and it can sort of flip flop. I did not know if the feeling changed depending on how you see yourself at the time

Oh okay. See when I feel like a guy I tend to be sort of okay with being one I do like female clothes so I guess guy mode=cross dresser, and when I feel female all I want is a girls body and to be accepted as such. That is what I have been fighting with, or a major part of it.

What was it like before?

That is why I am not sure what I am. They do sometimes, but then other times like when I am with a bunch of my girlfriends I just wish I had the same body. It is like the only thing different is what is between my legs and it sucks. It happens other times as well, but when I am with other girls and I see them doing and dressing like girly girls I wish it was me. Then there are times I feel like a guy and I feel guilty for having these thoughts. I don't know I think I just need a good therapist.

I forgot I said that *blush* I am so red. Well at least cute ones.... oh and comfy ones.  I prefer if they were both. I do know that much and it is a least a start.

I just want to add, don't feel too hurt by your friend not wanting to strip in front of you.  I have friends that accept me as female and would never do that, nor would I with them.  Some people are more private when it comes to their bodies.   I know that I'm very shy and easily embarrassed when it comes to my body. This is the same for many other women.  So, I wouldn't let that concern you too much and would try to respect where she is coming from there.

If I may ask, why is it you want her to strip in front of you?  I'm a little confused.

I don't know how to explain it really. I understand and think it was dumb now that I think about it. Oh well here's to learning.