I am trying to decide what I find most disappointing about you right now. Whether it is the "bombshell' announcement you laid on us, or the way you do not respond to e-mails, texts, and phone calls – when we are trying to show our concern over your "decision" I would have thought by now that I would have earned a little more respect from you given the things we provided for you your whole life. I'm also put off by your selfishness in not thinking about how this will affect your brother, your grandmothers and the rest of you family.
The timing of your decision alone indicates that your thought process is not very long-reaching, and that you are not thinking of long term consequences. If you had waited until the end of June, you would have not screwed yourself out of what looks to be a pretty good vacation (along with the airfare), and most likely any kind of Birthday celebration from your family for your 25th. The fact that you think a vacation or a birthday appearing to be fun/happy/normal is more important than me being honest with myself about something that is suffocating me indicates that your thought process is entirely self-motivated.
When I talked to you in March, just too many things did not add-up, in either your explanations or your timeline for me to believe this has been something you have been dealing with for 12 years. Instead I believe this is something that has manifested itself since your breakup with <ex-GF>. Face it – until then you seemed very content with yourself and who you were, I even think you may have been considering possible marriage after she graduated. Your comments that "people though you looked alike" may have been misconstrued in your mind. If you actually look at pictures of the two of you together – you do NOT look alike, however you did look good together. I now wonder if you are now trying to literally BE HER!. Right now hope you are just having a hard time separating a fantasy, or "what if" from reality. Of course, when you choose to shut us out, we cannot ever talk about that. I appreciate your concern here, but I'm not lying to you. I am not confused about my gender, I am very certain of it. I understand that this seems crazy or out of the blue to you - but I have come to this understanding of my self after a calm and thorough analysis of the truth. I know what I am, and believe me - it is hard to accept. I have finally accepted it and I will try to be patient with you because I love you and I know how hard this is for you.
I am also concerned about who your current "friends" are – and who are the people encouraging you to think life will be suddenly all rosy if you actually change your sex. My friends know all too well how hard and heartbreaking this life can be. They also know that one of the reasons it can be so is a family that abandons you because you won't stay the way they want you to be. They also know that this life is far WORSE if I do not transition. If I stay a man for you or anyone else I will hate my self and my life and even though I will still love you, I can not imagine our relationship flourishing when I have betrayed myself so deeply.You attitude toward your mother and me came through very clear last month when we stopped to talk to you. You could not wait to get rid us because your meeting your friends was so much more important to you than your parents trying to show their concern and hurt over this situation. You stood there showing no emotion at all, other than a smirk on your face, checking your watch as your mother cried in front of you. I hope you know that after that, no matter how this turns out in the end, that your relationship with your mother will be forever damaged – congratulations! You and Mom have both told me that I am crazy and a freak for doing this, which means for being myself. I can't change this, and I won't try to anymore. I know you are trying to love me right now, but I urge you to try and see how self-centered your fear is.
But since your friends opinions seem so much more than ours, I'm going to drop a few more thoughts of my own (which I'm sure we'll never get to really discuss). Just who are these friends who seem to be encouraging you to throw your life away. Is it the "new group" you have been hanging out with since the fall. You said it was a "twenty something's group". Is it in reality a LBGT associated group? Do you think you are somehow being brainwashed into this conclusion? Apparently you have been brainwashed by conservative fear mongers who hate LGBT people! Seriously, what you just wrote comes across as borderline mentally ill. You really believe LGBT people are a coercive group? Can you imagine why an LGBT group might need to exist in this world? With parents like you who have these beliefs...can you imagine why it might be necessary to find other people who are like yourself for support?I have to ask. We know for sure it had a least one set of Lesbians – and you have always been easily impressionable. Lesbians aren't telling me to have a sex change operation, sorry this ones really funny!I want you to think about who your friends were when you were 5, and at 10, and at 15 – how many of them are you still in contact with. How many of your friends and former roommates do you still see on a regular basis (Is this where you got the idea planted in your head?). Gee thanks for not trusting in me after 25 years of presumably thoroughly knowing every inch of me. Where did you get these ideas planted in your head??The point is; your life and associations will change several times over a lifetime. Will those who are encouraging you, and telling you "good for you", great decision etc. – will they be there to pick up the pieces in 5, 7 10 years if this goes very badly? I don't make personal life decisions based on other people. I would never rely on someone outside of myself to answer these questions for me, or to support me when I fall. I do trust my friends and know that they will be there for me now. None of us know the future. Stop trying to control everything, because honestly neither of us can. I can make this decision today but of course I don't know what will happen. The fact I would make it regardless of that means that it matters to me in a profound way. How can you live your life needing to control outcomes? Let go, Dad. I love you and I don't want to see you hurt like this. Remember your friends may tell you anything to make you feel good for the moment - whether they really feel that way or not. They provide me with honest perspective, not bolstering fluff support. They're not egging me on, they are helping provide their input on a challenging situation in my life. This is called friendship, Dad. This may be surprising to you, but friends are actually good for people.But; are they going to put you up and feed you if you lose your job, your source of income, maybe your home if you make yourself professionally unemployable by your lifestyle election? This is who I am, it is not a choice I am making. The choice is to embrace myself, rather than ignore it and live a lie. I won't be unemployable, the country is actually 50-100 years ahead of you.Just look at <gay friend>, college degree, but best he can do is McDonalds because he is openly GAY. Will you come to regret some day if you never can have a family of your own? I can have a family. It might not be your idea of what a family ought to be. Perhaps you can see how your idyllic lifestyle preferences are suffocating and hateful to people who can not conform within them without giving up an unaffordable part of their heart?
I know you seemed very disappointed in us, that we did not accept the news with a "gee, golly <Male name>, that's terrific, and wonderful and your life will so much more enriched". BULL->-bleeped-<-! A parent will tell you if you are about to UP YOUR LIFE BIG TIME!. No, I do not want you to embrace me joyfully with no regard for concern. I anticipated your response being challenging. I am disappointed in you for being so selfish in this process, for insisting that I am inherently wrong/misguided/a freak etc. as you bully me and threaten me. Neither of you has sought support. Because you do not want any sort of comprehensive support from anyone who might suggest to you that there is another way to see this. You say you don't want to be "brainwashed" by the LGBT, but it seems to me that you want to remain brainwashed as people against transgender reality. I'm not asking you to completely agree and conform to my perspectives. I am asking for an earnest attempt to see this outside of your personal beliefs and desires. So long as you are unwilling to do that, it is you that has made the decision here that ends our relationship - not me. You've known your friends for a few years, we have known you for 25!. In that time can your actually tell us that you did not think we have always had your best interest in mind? Whether it was in supporting you in the activities you wanted to do as a youth, in convincing you that Butcher was a better path to your education (and driving you to the bus every morning), in helping you get through college and even as late as last April in NOT letting you invest in a condo that was a piece of crap. We have always looked out for you and tried to see the big picture, and yes we will tell you if you are about to UP! Whether it is convenient for you to hear it or not! Absolutely, Dad. I know you love me with all your heart! I am sorry if I made you feel that I believe you don't. I know that you are both acting this way out of love. My point is that your love is being hijacked by fear. I'm not asking you to stop asking the fearful questions you have - I know they need to be answered, you need to understand that answer. I'm waiting for you to see that the world is not as conveniently tailored to the narrative you believe in as we'd like it to be. I'm waiting for you to find some humility and step down off your position of knowing to try and challenge yourself enough that you might not throw me away. Because f you choose your fear over me then you are giving up on real love. Love changes and grows, it works with people and compromises at times - but it is always interested in preserving the self and that it is bound to. We can't always keep that love perfect, I can't protect you in my transition. It breaks my heart that this hurts you or embarrasses you. But that is your choice.We also can tell you that up until very recently you have NEVER shown any tendencies to make us even suspect that you were leading toward being a female. I'm sure your mother would have picked up on that one for sure. No, this is something that has been recently learned! - and are trying to convince yourself of. You had a very normal childhood, and ALL of your mannerisms then and now are very male oriented - just look at your cleaning habits!. Crash course in gender 101: cleaning habits/mannerisms are culturally constructed gender expressions and roles. Femininity and Masculinity are expressions of gender but they can be expressed by men or by women. Gender Identity is the core association one has to their sex and gender. That does not always correlate to the sex they were assigned at birth. There are feminine trans men and masculine trans women. A trans woman, btw, is someone like myself. This is about way more than if I am dirty or "male" acting.
You need to really consider the consequences of your actions before you do anything really stupid – not just look at the rosy picture someone, or your internet sites have been portraying for you. This sentence makes me realize we're in separate universes at the moment. I think about the consequences every day. I am living one of the consequences right now in this conversation. I know how hard it is. But guess what - it isn't hard because I choose to be myself, it is hard because people like you choose to make it hard for me. Thats your fault, not mine. You need to really consider the consequences before you do anything really stupid, Dad. You are throwing me away.Did you know that fully 60% of people who get tattoos before the age of 25 regret it? That's tattoos! – something that is fairly easily reversed. Cutting off your genitalia is NOT going to be fixable later. Your mother has tried to get you to look at the consequences of this decision from her various e-mails and links (yes, this whole thing is a decision on your part), with all the data on regret rates, suicide rates, potential (and probably) loss job, income, friends, family etc. You can refute it with the things you choose to read to support it – but do you really want to risk all this – and for what. Look at the real longterm! Its interesting how you suggest that I will refute this with information I choose to read and to support my beliefs. Thats actually what you're doing with junk science like transgender regret rates. Are you aware of what happens when you google 'transgender regret' or anything else - you find what you're looking for. The internet is vast and full of whatever you want to hear. Look toward reputable sources for your information, and you will find that the leading organizations for health and betterment of gender variant people's lives will tell you that there is a very low instance of regret in the transgender community. These are not drug-addicted coercive LGBT cults...why? Because those don't exist, Dad. They're just in your head.
You have not, or will not discuss with us how your proposed change will actually enhance your life. It will allow me to be living life as a real person for once. It will give me a body that makes sense to me, that I want and identify with. It will empower me to love myself on a daily basis and let me know who I am. I will know happiness in and of myself never before known, and I won't have to search for answers any more for what this world means to me. You do not suffer with gender dysphoria and are not aware of how it feels to be in the wrong body. If I do not live full time as a woman and embrace this part of me, then I will be dead already.Will this enhance your ability for professional development and promotion. You would give up who you are to get a job? I know that we make difficult decisions to take care of ourselves and our families, I am sure you have in supporting me. But I am fortunate enough to have figured this out at 25 where transition is easier and plausible. So many trans women remain men for years as they benefit from a career as a male - they often kill themselves or wind up at 40 years old with a wife and children - and guess what else? The need to become a woman! Guess how much horrible pain is sewn in that transition? You want me to ignore this now and build a life you believe in? That would be irresponsible and cruel. If I did that I would be ->-bleeped-<-ing over everyone connected to me who I built a lie around. This won't go away. I could suffocate it for years if I had to, but I don't and I refuse to live the way you imagine is best.Will you be able to make more or less money? Will your friends who have, or will have children thrive by having you around? It breaks my heart that you see transgender people as unsuitable caretakers of children. Transgender people were kids once, too. And having someone who is trans be present for a child to witness and be cared for by is a wonderful beautiful thing. Transgender people are real and kids should know that - if they don't they will be brainwashed by your fantasies of perversion and selfishness that don't reflect the transgender population at all, just your own bigotry. Trans people are excellent role models for fortitude and endurance and faith...they can educate kids on how to survive hate and live a full and beautiful life as whoever you are. This might diminish teenage suicide, and encourage kids both transgender and non-transgender to live outside of fear, to be themselves, and to listen to their heart.Will your neighbors embrace you because you are transsexual?. What will they neighbors think? Dad! haha sorry this one...come one Dad...haha Can you explain to me how electing to suddenly become an obscure minority who are now trying to get rights legislated (because it is so out of the "norm") is going to make your life better?. I don't measure betterment by my relation to other people's standards. Do you? Would you seriously give up the most important part of who you are so that some legal system could validate you? My life will be better because I won't be living in denial. If you have to have the government make you "acceptable again" maybe you should not have made yourself un-acceptable in the first place. So, please, explain to me how this will be better. Wow! This is so interesting. You really believe that I have made myself unacceptable? I am made unacceptable by a violent government that refuses to accept difference. I donot have a choice in who I am, but I do have a choice in how I respond to who I am. If I do not choose to transition, I do not fully embody myself in this life - or even approach to embody myself. You really think the law is perfect? That we should all just live according to it, that to live outside of it or to change it is to be inherently wrong? Yeah, don't try to make the law accomodate you - just be accommodating to the law...thats such a sad and limited perspective. You should want more for your self and your country.
We will probably keep trying to connect with you BEFORE you make any dramatic change – though tensions will probably still be high on both sides. If you do decide to physically mutilate yourself, then you can plan that we will walk away. You'll be on your own to live with your doing, good or bad. Thats your decision. I will be doing way better in general, but of course as any complex Human life I will have ups and downs. It is tragic that you could turn yourself off from me, and allow my life to pass by as though I have abandoned you. I am right here, Dad. I love you. I can not be the person you want me to be. But I am still here, still you child, and I need you. I need you to realize that this isn't as simple as it seems to you. I am not trying to attack you for your beliefs, I know you really believe them and that this seems the only reasonable way to handle this. I'm just trying to shake you out of your tunnel vision. Please see that you can not see this clearly. Please realize that before it is too late, before you do something you will regret. I know its heartbreaking to you that I could be transsexual, but I am. And I am happy! I am so happy and well, and I have never been more sure of myself and who I am. I'm not asking for you to embrace me as your daughter today, though that is possible and wuld be beautiful. I am just asking for you to try and find humility here, to access supportive resources that can help you understand. You can still decide to reject this after, but until you try and see it another way - you are doing a disservice to both of us. You owe it to yourself to see if theres more to this than you think. And if you give up on me before you exhaust those resources then you have not acted in selfless love at all. Don't forget that. What would happen if you and Mom embraced me as your daughter? Just do me a favor, and for 1-2 minutes sit and really think about how bad life could be if you did that. Would it feel better at the end of the day to say you had turned your back on your kid who "mutilated" their body, or would it feel better to know that even though you didn't understand or agree with the decision, you wanted this brief life to include your child. We don't get to live this life twice, Dad. It is brief and fleeting and I just want to be happy and whole while I am here. Please don't leave me alone in it. Who cares what seems normal? This is the life I have been given, and its the life you have been given too...I don't want to lose my family. It is not my decision to lose you, either. If I can keep you only by staying male, then I have lost you already. If I stayed a boy and kept going to family events, you might be happy, but I would be dead - just a figment of myself dressing up for you to be proud of. I want more from life.
I have offered you my council before, and I will offer it again. If you still want to go on vacation, you can – just catch your mother before she cancels your flight. We don't have to dwell on this subject for a week, but it may give us a chance to talk privately sometime during the week.
If you still want to be part of a family, you just need to know where to draw the line between a private fetish, and really screwing yourself up.
Your Father (at least for now!)
You may be able to stop being my Dad but I will always be your kid. I love you, and I want to thank you for bringing me into this world and taking such good care of me. I am so sorry you are hurting. I am so grateful for the family I have and I just hope that you find love and peace within and between us one day. I am always here for you, too.
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