Has anyone gone through watching a close friend detransition?  Over the past two weeks I have lost a close friend who had lived with me for the past ten months on a mother-daughter relationship.  I say "lost" in that she went from Oana, the only way I had known her for two years, to Stefan.  Without naming her, I write about the experience of Oana telling me of her decision to detransition in http://attitude-analyst.blogspot.ro/2013/04/on-losing-daughter.html.  In the short space of two weeks since Oana (age 24) went off HRT, the testosterone came roaring back.  Personality changes were quick to follow.  I felt I had a stranger living in my home.

Yet I, fully transitioned at age 59, remember what it was like to start transitioning and then not follow through.  I did it three times, each time convinced that I had "cured" myself, that I was not transgender at all.  I stifled the tears as best I could and helped Stefan move today into an apartment of his own.  I'm helping out financially for the first couple of months.  Now I go around my apartment with a trail of Kleenex in my wake.  I feel that I am grieving the death of someone who is very much alive, just a few metro stations away, yet very, very different from the sweet young woman I had known.

Has anyone else gone through this experience of watching, experiencing a close friend detransition?  How did you handle the friendship?  How did you handle your own emotions?  I know I must let go, but it is going to take time. . . .

From Bucharest, Romania,
Robyn

I'll be the first in line to offer *hugs*...and I'll wander around picking up the tissues, and hope someone else, more eloquent and perhaps more experienced, will offer advice and encouragement.

*hums softly while carrying a little trash bin*

Big hug! The short answer is no, I don't. It seems so much of detransitioning is the same set of issues as the original transition. The perceived losing of a loved one, the emotional changes. I feel we should look at detransitioning as a path, maybe not the one we would walk, but the right path for someone. Treasure your memories of Oana, you'll always have those. Hugs, Devlyn

Having read the blog, I would view it as the parent of a transgender child, who has decided to transition.  After all detransition is a type of transition. 

I like the idea of the possibility of bringing her here as a member of your household.

I have also a friend who has detransitioned since 2-3 months ago. At that time he had been on HRT for 1 year or so. He thought he had lost all male function, but his wife brought him a daughter, which was very unexpected. Then he said for the sake of his daughter, he must give her a "clean" environment to grow up (and transgender is dirty? I do not agree). In addition he must not let transitioning and discrimination affect his business and income to feed the family. But he has found this extremely painful and has been fluctuating a lot in his heart.

Without knowing the full details of the situation, I will say that detransition isn't always the wrong path.  People have different reasons for transitioning and we all have different circumstances in life. That's why I think people should only transition if they are aware of who they are, what they want, and the possible consequences that transitioning will bring about.  Perhaps Stefan came to realize that he preferred the life of a man? If that's the case, I wouldn't mourn the loss of a daughter but celebrate  that you have gained a son.  I think having a new son sounds really nice.  Hope you feel better and continue your special relationship with Stefan.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and feelings.

Indeed, I am experiencing this as a parent of a child who has decided to transition.  Since I had never known Oana as anyone other than Oana until last week, it is exactly that.

I think the option of bringing Oana, now Stefan, to the US is a moment that has already been missed.  After we signed the lease for his apartment yesterday, I think Stefan has made his choice to stay in Bucharest and walk his new path as a man.  With the help of a friend and with help from me, he has moved almost everything that was his and Oana's to his new apartment.  My own home now has a very empty feel even as each and every wall rebounds with memories.

This all "seems" much easier for Stefan than it does for me.  He is "certain" of what he is doing and has already pushed his personality to a male extreme that contrasts with the soft person I knew only weeks ago.  I've been reasonably good but not perfect about staying in my head and supportive in his presence.  When he is safely out of my sight and hearing, I break down in tears over what feels like a very real loss, a death.

I use quotations in the last paragraph because who knows?  I turned back from transition in 1976, 1990, and again in 2000 before walking the path fully these past three years.  Each of those previous times I would have sworn that all transgender parts of me were gone.  I expect Stefan will feel the feelings again -- Oana told me she remembered them back to age 4 -- but it's not going to happen while I'm still in Romania.  It could be years from now.  Or perhaps Stefan is right and he will be fine.  I can't project my own past on him.

The worst for me is the grieving.  It's not anything that any "normal" person can understand.  If there is something for me to learn, it's how my sisters felt having to watch their brother die before they could love another sister.  Just how long will it take for the grief to pass?

PS to learningtolove -- You are right, and I am trying.

It's normal to grieve.  I wouldn't worry too much about it.  Just realize that you haven't lost him.  He is the same person, just now he is transitioning to a male.  It will just take some time to adjust.

As for Stefan's decision, you can't let that haunt you.  While it is true that GID doesn't go away for most of us, he has made his decision and knows the consequences.  It may be true that he has chosen the wrong path, but that is for him to discover.  All you can do is provide some motherly advice and allow him to make up his own mind.  I do understand your concern though.  I planned on transitioning when I was 19 and got scared and decided to live as a male.  But, the feelings never went away and I regretted not doing anything about.  Now, I am in my early 20's and know what I have to do for my own happiness.  Perhaps, Stefan needs to learn from experience?  However, it is also possible that detransitioning is the right move for him and he will be happy.  Yet, only he can discover this.  So, I would advise you to be there for him, but let him discover himself.  Only time can tell.

Thank you, learningtolive.  I already have one son, a son who has been very accepting of his Dad's transition but who is far away in the US.  I will now need to make room for another, even one whom I saw only as a daughter.  I just wish it were not so hard up on my departure from this country.  I have less than six weeks left now.

Stefan just called out of the blue.  It was a lovely call in which I felt that the soft side that I had come to know in her is still there in him.  It will be a process of ups and downs, and my tears will still come for weeks or even months to come.  But we will get there in the end.  I will get there in the end.  It's the only way.

Hugs.

It will be okay in time.  Stefan is very lucky to have a loving mother like you in his life.

one of my close friend are in detransition.
it have been a challengde for me to be honest mostly cause I dont really understand and it worrys me and I also been debating it on susan.

as a transgender person myself it worrys me for my own sake like, "if he can live as a women for so long and then suddenly detransition then how am I ever gonna know this is the right part for me?" the answer is I dont cause I dont know what the future will bring for me or anyone ells.

what worryed me the most was however for his own sake, we all hear those storys of people who detransition to be "cured" and something like that. I must admit I been thinking the same things a couple of times that if I could detransition and not be transgender anymore my life would probably be more easy if I could could get used to being a girl or something like that.
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he knows I been worried for him but we talk alot, and he have mention things who make me sure this is not to be cured or beliving others would expect him to be a guy, in fact its actually pretty difficult for him to detransition because theres hate both in and outside the transcomunety who find it hard to get around the topic.

I dont know if this is right for him or not, I feel it must be rigth of what he have told me, like how angry hes been on trying to be female and how happy he got for taking testostorone, but even if it wasnt for him im sure he would figure it out, we talk very openly being trans, and I think its important not to look at it as a male/female perspective but more or a fluid thing, so if he want to be female, male or in between then thats it.

I hope it helps abit on your situation, wish you love.

Thank you, Natkat, for your thoughts based on your own experience with your friend.  Indeed, they do help.  It's a comfort to hear from you and others who are involved as a close friend takes the first steps to detransition.