So first of all I apologize if this is not the correct place to post this.

My sister (identical twin) is trans about 10 years ago she came out to me, and I was in total shock, we were 21 at the time both born male btw. In truth there was a time in high school when I used to fantasize about being a girl, and was unhappy with my body other kind of weird stuff like that, and I did research transsexualism. But she asked me straight out if I was trans or felt that way, and I didn't want to revisit my past, I don't think of those feelings in the past, or memories as positives about my past, and to tell the truth I don't think I really accepted it as being my past until very recently. Since I have become happy being a guy, I would keep questioning my sister's desire to transition, maybe projecting, but at the same time not wanting to lose a brother. I've gotten over that recently, if that is something she needs to do to be happy, I fully support her.

Well now she is planning to change to living as female full time, this is going to lead to several issues in my family, especially as my parents don't want her to do this, it seems they have already threatened her if she does. While I want to completely accept and support her, and help her out, but it is tough to explain, part of me I think still wants my brother back, to be identical twins, I also think I still have trouble understanding her decision. I don't know why I feel conflicted, I know what the right thing to do is, my father can be a bully sometimes, I need to support my sister, look out for her, and protect my sister as her brother. I'm guessing deep down I"m not comfortable with the situation, but how do I get moving past this.

I want us to have a better relationship than we do now, and to truly support her, and protect her, and I guess I want to know how to get there.

Be her brother.. take her as your sister because that is what she always has been
We dont develop gid...we are born into it...
So in reality she was born a girl....

Quote from: XchristineX on May 03, 2013, 07:56:43 PM
Be her brother.. take her as your sister because that is what she always has been
We dont develop gid...we are born into it...
So in reality she was born a girl....

This.

Anyway, I don't have a twin, but I have a brother who is 6 yrs younger and lives in the UK. I barely know him. We have emailed maybe 3 times in 13 years. He is supportive of my transition and that has been pretty comforting for me. So, here's my 2 cents.

You two have a bond that wont be broken. You are still siblings. It's only the dynamics that will change. Being transgender is a rough path in life. Sometimes we dont get the support we need. It sounds like your parents are going to be unaccepting. Don't be like them. You obviously love your sister, or you would not be posting on this forum. Just be yourself as she is trying to be. And just be there for her when she needs help.

If you have doubts or won't your sister to stay your brother (gawd this wording is tricky), don't feel bad. Change is hard. I think it's important though to try and not let her see your doubts. If she is anything like me, she is scared and just wants her family to love her. If you could support her that would be great. My one brother is supportive. My parents screamed at me for like a two weeks straight until he finally confronted them and tolf them that they are "morally repugnant" and "sick." it made me cry. I felt defended for once. Hope this helps.








Edited for profanity.

Accept

Quote from: cardinal on May 03, 2013, 07:48:44 PM
I'm guessing deep down I"m not comfortable with the situation, but how do I get moving past this.

Is it the situation you're not comfortable with or just loosing something was never yours to begin with?

She looks like you but she isn't and never was, you.

Respect her. That's all.

A good movie you may wish to watch is Red Without Blue.  It is a true story of twin brothers, one of whom transitions.

I did watch the movie, and I wish I could be as comfortable with my sister transitioning as Mark was with her sister. But my thoughts seem to be more of how he said early in the movie how 'we were Mark and Alex and now it is like you''re giving it up'.
I wish I didn't feel this way, but I seem to be stuck unable to see past this, we used to be very close, like she was my mirror image, my instant best friends, and it feels like she is turning her back on that, I'm thinking this is mostly my problem though, but I can usually reason things out. At this point I'm thinking I may have to get better insurance and see a therapist to get where I need to be. I wish I were as good as Mark Farley, and I could develop a good relationship with my sister like he did. I'm sure the Farley twins went through a lot.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/identical-twin-boys-transgender-brother-sister/story?id=15142268#.UYXyJrVJM9U
I think it would've been easier if my sister had transitioned at such a young age, I wouldn't have bonded at the same level as my identical twins.

I guess I should go to therapy, there really is no one I can talk to about this. Thanks for your words though.

Dear Cardinal,

I can relate to your story in a lot of ways, though mine is a little different.  About one and a half years ago my brother (MTF) came out as transgender and with the support, though grudgingly of my parents, started to transition to womanhood.  For a lot of reasons that transition has waxed and waned, and in the process gave my parents, especially my Father, a horrible opinion of GID.  Like you,

Quote from: cardinal on May 03, 2013, 07:48:44 PM
There was a time in high school when I used to fantasize about being a girl, and was unhappy with my body other kind of weird stuff like that, and I did research transsexualism.

Maybe a little different than you, I couldn't get it out of my mind as well, and have kept it a secret from everyone in my family... So it was quite a shock when my sibling came out and told the whole entire family (My heart was beating so loud when I was leaving work and got the phone call about it).  Unlike you, I have had a very rough relationship with my sibling since we were very young, so it is hard to offer than level of support... I am very glad though to hear that you are very supportive

I can tell you this about projecting, since I did it.  I found myself being critical of their decision, more so when I was talking with relatives about it.  I kept on saying things that were actually MY reasons for not transitioning; i.e. Why are they doing this at such a young age? Why with such haste? Have they thought this out? I know it is so bad to say that, but it is the questions I ask myself (Plus, add on top of that having GID, not being out, and then your sibling comes out... It makes you feel like you somehow have to sacrifice your happiness by not coming out, in order to keep the family together).  So, I project my questions on them, and in that way I have been critical... Anyways, here is the advice about projecting I have picked up that has helped me: Instead of saying something about their transition, just listen to what your family members have to say.  I don't try to add my two cents.  Instead, I listen to what my sibling and the rest of my family has to say.  If need be, if they are getting a little too spiteful, I will tell them something along the lines of, "Well hold on, put yourself in their shoes" (referring to your sibling).  By doing this I think it diffuses tensions a little, and one isn't projecting (I really know though how easy it is).

I feel your situation is a little harder, being identical siblings and all.  I feel it is going to be a challenge to accept your Sister as another person with her own choices that you are not responsible for.  I have learned to do that with mine... I feel you are on the right path trying to go to therapy about this Let me know if you have any questions I can help you out with!

Good idea coming to Susans by the way to talk about this... I feel it shows you care about a lot, and that is the first step in feeling better about it

I presume you are the older twin?

Quote from: forallittook on May 05, 2013, 02:27:50 AM

I can tell you this about projecting, since I did it.  I found myself being critical of their decision, more so when I was talking with relatives about it.  I kept on saying things that were actually MY reasons for not transitioning; i.e. Why are they doing this at such a young age? Why with such haste? Have they thought this out? I know it is so bad to say that, but it is the questions I ask myself (Plus, add on top of that having GID, not being out, and then your sibling comes out... It makes you feel like you somehow have to sacrifice your happiness by not coming out, in order to keep the family together).  So, I project my questions on them, and in that way I have been critical... Anyways, here is the advice about projecting I have picked up that has helped me: Instead of saying something about their transition, just listen to what your family members have to say.  I don't try to add my two cents.  Instead, I listen to what my sibling and the rest of my family has to say.  If need be, if they are getting a little too spiteful, I will tell them something along the lines of, "Well hold on, put yourself in their shoes" (referring to your sibling).  By doing this I think it diffuses tensions a little, and one isn't projecting (I really know though how easy it is).

I feel your situation is a little harder, being identical siblings and all.  I feel it is going to be a challenge to accept your Sister as another person with her own choices that you are not responsible for.  I have learned to do that with mine... I feel you are on the right path trying to go to therapy about this Let me know if you have any questions I can help you out with!

You're right I was projecting, even as I'm typing this I realize how stupid it sounds, but I did think that if I could get past those feelings in the past, why can't she. I realize it is stupid because I don't know what caused me to have those feelings, or what caused them to go away, so how could I even suggest that someone get over them. I know that transitioning wasn't something I wanted at age 21, so I guess I worried about what her coming out would lead, and maybe I was projecting my decisions on her. Thinking if transitioning was a bad idea for me it must be for her. But yeah, I don't know what her life was like after we went to separate colleges, if those feelings were similar to what I had in high school and persisted then she would've been unhappy in her own body, I do think saying like that would be an understatement though, as I said those feelings and that past were bad, that is an understatement too. I guess what I'm getting at is that I wanted to run away from that, rather than being there for my sister, I have been a selfish jerk, I have been a selfish jerk.

I guess it is good talking about this, I've been more open about my past on other places on the internet too, it is weird, but it has helped.

Thanks for your response.

Quote from: spacial on May 05, 2013, 06:15:41 AM
I presume you are the older twin?

She is technically a minute older, bit I just say we are the same age. I'm 31, a little over a year older than the Farley twins.

I've deleted the response in favour of    forallittook.

She clearly has a better handle on this than I do.

Take care cardinal. You are a great brother to have, even if I didn't seem to be saying so earlier!!

Quote from: forallittook on May 05, 2013, 02:27:50 AM
I can tell you this about projecting, since I did it.  I found myself being critical of their decision, more so when I was talking with relatives about it.  I kept on saying things that were actually MY reasons for not transitioning; i.e. Why are they doing this at such a young age? Why with such haste? Have they thought this out? I know it is so bad to say that, but it is the questions I ask myself (Plus, add on top of that having GID, not being out, and then your sibling comes out... It makes you feel like you somehow have to sacrifice your happiness by not coming out, in order to keep the family together).  So, I project my questions on them, and in that way I have been critical... Anyways, here is the advice about projecting I have picked up that has helped me: Instead of saying something about their transition, just listen to what your family members have to say.  I don't try to add my two cents.  Instead, I listen to what my sibling and the rest of my family has to say.  If need be, if they are getting a little too spiteful, I will tell them something along the lines of, "Well hold on, put yourself in their shoes" (referring to your sibling).  By doing this I think it diffuses tensions a little, and one isn't projecting (I really know though how easy it is).

I feel your situation is a little harder, being identical siblings and all.  I feel it is going to be a challenge to accept your Sister as another person with her own choices that you are not responsible for.  I have learned to do that with mine... I feel you are on the right path trying to go to therapy about this Let me know if you have any questions I can help you out with!

If you don't mind me asking, what were your reasons for not transitioning. I have my reasons for not going that way, so I may have judged my sister's decisions too harshly. I guess I would like to hear out other's motivations in this regard. I work for myself so I don't have good insurance, so I've been unable to go to a therapist yet. Have you had any issues trying to address your sibling as your sister?

On an unrelated note, I'm trying to help my sister possibly get a job out here, most of the companies have requested a background check in order to make an offer. How do you deal with that after a name change, especially with regards to college degrees and having the registrar verify the degree, do you just list your former name as a past alias?

Quote from: cardinal on May 11, 2013, 05:19:07 AM
If you don't mind me asking, what were your reasons for not transitioning. I have my reasons for not going that way, so I may have judged my sister's decisions too harshly. I guess I would like to hear out other's motivations in this regard. I work for myself so I don't have good insurance, so I've been unable to go to a therapist yet. Have you had any issues trying to address your sibling as your sister?

On an unrelated note, I'm trying to help my sister possibly get a job out here, most of the companies have requested a background check in order to make an offer. How do you deal with that after a name change, especially with regards to college degrees and having the registrar verify the degree, do you just list your former name as a past alias?

A name or gender change  is not considered "derogatory information," trying to hide it would qualify as dishonesty and will preclude getting a clearance

Tell your sister to be very forthcoming and honest.....

Many TG people have clearances....being TG is not an issue if you work for uncle Sam and most big companies...it is always a good idea to research what is the company position on transgender....again most -if not all- fortune 500 companies have policies that support TG employees

Hey there Cardinal There are a few reasons for me not transitioning, so far...

I think the first and foremost is that the rest of my family does not know that I am trans, and I feel this pressure not to burden them with another issue.  Having my sibling come out to them was actually not that hard, they were accepting (for the most part) and got my sibling on HRT and attended support groups, counseling, etc.  But, that sibling has went off the chain mentally (i.e. stays in psychiatric hospitals, jail).  It has created such a stressful situation for my family, that I don't feel they could handle another issue (e.g. Me coming out to them as trans).  I know this is wrong, but I feel like I have to keep the rest of my siblings and my parents together, and the only way to do this is not reveal who I am.   

In addition, despite them being overall accepting, i have got to hear the besides the scenes talk of what some of them have had to say about GID.  Those quotes have played throughout my mind, over and over again.  For me at least, hearing these quotes from my Father and other siblings, who you love dearly, is a real buzz kill on coming out.  I just don't want to disappoint them.  I don't want them to think of me the opinions they thought of my sibling behind closed doors.

Outside of the family situation, I am in Medical School going for a field where the average salary is $250,000.  All that hinges on getting a residency, which unfortunately might be hard if I transition.  A large percentage of my colleagues are very religious, and that includes the residency directors that select residents.  I have researched other Transgender people who are in my field, and they have had a tough time making it.  If I transition while here, I foresee myself being stuck with a $300,000 dollar debt with no residency, no job, and being very ostracized.  I think that would ultimately be a lot worse than sticking through it and transitioning later in life.

Another reason, and this is a complicated issue, is that I fluctuate with my dysphoria attacks.  Sometimes, all I can think about is being a woman, and being accepted socially, physically and emotionally.  Other times, I am like, "What am I doing?", and I can function quite well as a man. So yes, I am still in the phase of being confused.     

I actually have a hard time addressing my sister as my sister... And I hope like I don't sound too much like a hypocrite or a bigot with this.  But, when I see her, her coming out and appearing female was embarrassing at best; I mentally criticize how she did the whole entire process.  Seriously, I am thinking, 'That is not the way I would do it.'  For example, she wore a female shirt and makeup to a Holiday Dinner.  Okay fine, that is awesome.  What was wrong? It had a gigantic Marijuana Leaf printed on it!! I was like, 'What is she thinking?!' That is why it is hard to address her as my sister.  About 6 times throughout this she has shaved her hair, and for the vast, vast majority of the time I see her wearing Male clothes, acting incredibly male.  In that respect, I hate to say this, I reason that maybe her GID is actually something else (she also has mental issues that span across the spectrum, so this is not too far off of a possibility).

Sorry if that was too long Cardinal  

The only thing you can do at the least is take
It for what it is...your brother is psychologically
A girl.....

You will never understand the severity of gid...
Some of us are crippled with out HRT...

She is strong to accept herself....he honest to others..
So you have to respect that and return acceptance.

It is infinitely harder for her to be herself than it is for you
To accept and realize she was always your sister...
And we hate being misgendered ....
Born into a society that is brainwashed into a binary gender
World..
You will have to protect her.  She is a girl and right now
Very vulnerable.  Like a preteen if you might

Quote from: forallittook on May 11, 2013, 08:17:31 PM
Another reason, and this is a complicated issue, is that I fluctuate with my dysphoria attacks.  Sometimes, all I can think about is being a woman, and being accepted socially, physically and emotionally.  Other times, I am like, "What am I doing?", and I can function quite well as a man. So yes, I am still in the phase of being confused.     

I actually have a hard time addressing my sister as my sister... And I hope like I don't sound too much like a hypocrite or a bigot with this.  But, when I see her, her coming out and appearing female was embarrassing at best; I mentally criticize how she did the whole entire process.  Seriously, I am thinking, 'That is not the way I would do it.'  For example, she wore a female shirt and makeup to a Holiday Dinner.  Okay fine, that is awesome.  What was wrong? It had a gigantic Marijuana Leaf printed on it!! I was like, 'What is she thinking?!' That is why it is hard to address her as my sister.  About 6 times throughout this she has shaved her hair, and for the vast, vast majority of the time I see her wearing Male clothes, acting incredibly male.  In that respect, I hate to say this, I reason that maybe her GID is actually something else (she also has mental issues that span across the spectrum, so this is not too far off of a possibility).

Sorry if that was too long Cardinal

First of all, it was not too long.
Okay I could see how that would be confusing, so I wouldn't pressure you either way.

My sister has only presented as male in front of me, so it still seems awkward to call her my sister. I'm even helping her with her resume, and it has her male name on it, it feels awkward.

As for your sister's GID actually being something else, I could understand that. When I was a teenager I did used to fantasize about being a girl, and was dissatisfied with my body. But at the same time I had low self-confidence, low self-esteem was fat, and was possibly depressed. When I went to college I lost 75 lbs freshmen year, and I gained a lot of confidence, those feelings gradually went away, I think after that the only time they ever got intense was after a guy that was previously living in my apartment basically broke in  and confronted me, I was scared somewhat for the rest of the time I lived in that city, but the next 3 weeks were weird. Anyway due to the fact that those feelings went away it made me think that it was something else that caused them, like body dysmorphia, wanting to escape my situation, or a number of things, I really don't know what it was. I used to have cognitive dissonance about being gay, I didn't really realize it/ accept it until I was 22.  So I can see where you're coming from.

As for coming out, I don't know I plan to come out to my dad as gay this year, even with my sister transitioning, it may be a lot, but I had decided this before she even mentioned anything, and the truth is I've been dating the same guy for years and the lying or trying to come up with convoluted excuses has been tiring. I don't know how old you are, so maybe you have time, but I'm 31, and life is much too short to worry about these things for the duration of them, at some level I wish I had come out to my dad years ago, I don't think waiting has made the situation easier.

Quote from: forallittook on May 11, 2013, 08:17:31 PM
Hey there Cardinal There are a few reasons for me not transitioning, so far...

I think the first and foremost is that the rest of my family does not know that I am trans, and I feel this pressure not to burden them with another issue.  Having my sibling come out to them was actually not that hard, they were accepting (for the most part) and got my sibling on HRT and attended support groups, counseling, etc.  But, that sibling has went off the chain mentally (i.e. stays in psychiatric hospitals, jail).  It has created such a stressful situation for my family, that I don't feel they could handle another issue (e.g. Me coming out to them as trans).  I know this is wrong, but I feel like I have to keep the rest of my siblings and my parents together, and the only way to do this is not reveal who I am.   

In addition, despite them being overall accepting, i have got to hear the besides the scenes talk of what some of them have had to say about GID.  Those quotes have played throughout my mind, over and over again.  For me at least, hearing these quotes from my Father and other siblings, who you love dearly, is a real buzz kill on coming out.  I just don't want to disappoint them.  I don't want them to think of me the opinions they thought of my sibling behind closed doors.

Outside of the family situation, I am in Medical School going for a field where the average salary is $250,000.  All that hinges on getting a residency, which unfortunately might be hard if I transition.  A large percentage of my colleagues are very religious, and that includes the residency directors that select residents.  I have researched other Transgender people who are in my field, and they have had a tough time making it.  If I transition while here, I foresee myself being stuck with a $300,000 dollar debt with no residency, no job, and being very ostracized.  I think that would ultimately be a lot worse than sticking through it and transitioning later in life.

Another reason, and this is a complicated issue, is that I fluctuate with my dysphoria attacks.  Sometimes, all I can think about is being a woman, and being accepted socially, physically and emotionally.  Other times, I am like, "What am I doing?", and I can function quite well as a man. So yes, I am still in the phase of being confused.     

I actually have a hard time addressing my sister as my sister... And I hope like I don't sound too much like a hypocrite or a bigot with this.  But, when I see her, her coming out and appearing female was embarrassing at best; I mentally criticize how she did the whole entire process.  Seriously, I am thinking, 'That is not the way I would do it.'  For example, she wore a female shirt and makeup to a Holiday Dinner.  Okay fine, that is awesome.  What was wrong? It had a gigantic Marijuana Leaf printed on it!! I was like, 'What is she thinking?!' That is why it is hard to address her as my sister.  About 6 times throughout this she has shaved her hair, and for the vast, vast majority of the time I see her wearing Male clothes, acting incredibly male.  In that respect, I hate to say this, I reason that maybe her GID is actually something else (she also has mental issues that span across the spectrum, so this is not too far off of a possibility).

Sorry if that was too long Cardinal

I spent over 20 years in the medical field, and yes the previous generations of physicians where a product of their times, and they did have their bias, bigotry, and above all ignorance. They did not knew the biological basis of GID, but that is not true any more. For the last 20 years the medical field and their practitioners have change, true that there may be pockets of intolerance here and there, but I urge not to let that discourage you from transitioning while you finishing your medical school or while you do your residency. Here  is a link you may want to check out http://www.amednews.com/article/20070716/profession/307169959/7/

For a medical student you show little understanding of your sister situation. In addition to GID she seems to have -as you pointed them out- other mental issues.  As a future physician you ought to have some sympathy and empathy, and understanding. If anything you should be making an stand for her.

You said you: "do not want to disappoint your parents." I do not think that being yourself, true and genuine to yourself should be cause of disappointment to any body, specially to those who are supposed to love unconditionally...

I am not trying to criticizing you here, just offering a different view.

Hi there Peky,

One reason that Physicians normally do not treat or diagnose major issues in relatives is that their own interpersonal feelings get in the way of healing.  You can't remove the role of being a family member to change into the White Coat Clinician when your own sibling is involved.  That is where I stand with my sibling, severely conflicted interpersonally.  It is very hard to experience sympathy for someone that has committed acts of violence against you that are so bad they involve the police.  In addition, it is hard to for feel sympathy for someone that has manipulated a whole family (my own family) to further their drug addiction to no ends.  I have watched nearly every family situation and celebration become a attention-seeking opportunity for my sibling, while the rest of the other siblings are neglected.  This may seem okay every once in a while, but picture it going on for twenty years.  Despite anyones amount of goodwill, it grows tiresome.  I have extended my hand in sympathy, empathy many, many times only to have it manipulated by my sibling and ultimately come back to hurt me.  In this respect, I can say yes my medical knowledge does conflict with the sympathy that I extend to my sibling.  On the other side of the coin, I have made a stand for her.  I have encouraged the rest of my family to be very supportive of my sibling, and helped them understand GID better by explaining my academic knowledge of it. 

Quote from: forallittook on May 12, 2013, 07:58:09 PM
Hi there Peky,

One reason that Physicians normally do not treat or diagnose major issues in relatives is that their own interpersonal feelings get in the way of healing.  You can't remove the role of being a family member to change into the White Coat Clinician when your own sibling is involved.  That is where I stand with my sibling, severely conflicted interpersonally.  It is very hard to experience sympathy for someone that has committed acts of violence against you that are so bad they involve the police.  In addition, it is hard to for feel sympathy for someone that has manipulated a whole family (my own family) to further their drug addiction to no ends.  I have watched nearly every family situation and celebration become a attention-seeking opportunity for my sibling, while the rest of the other siblings are neglected.  This may seem okay every once in a while, but picture it going on for twenty years.  Despite anyones amount of goodwill, it grows tiresome.  I have extended my hand in sympathy, empathy many, many times only to have it manipulated by my sibling and ultimately come back to hurt me.  In this respect, I can say yes my medical knowledge does conflict with the sympathy that I extend to my sibling.  On the other side of the coin, I have made a stand for her.  I have encouraged the rest of my family to be very supportive of my sibling, and helped them understand GID better by explaining my academic knowledge of it.

In that case, I retract my comment. You have my sincere and warmest sympathy and empathy.

I wish the best on your medical career!

OO

Dr. Peky