I have this lurking fear in the back of my mind where I think, "maybe I'm not trans at all... maybe I just hate women," which I know deep down isn't true.  I've met some amazing women, and I certainly didn't hate them.  I think that is one of the reasons it took me so long to actually come to terms with being FTM instead of genderqueer or androgynous (if you read my intro, I was still saying maybe I was genderqueer and that was pretty recent) because I felt like if I actually said I was trans, that would mean I hated women.  I don't hate women, I don't hate breasts, I don't hate vaginas, I am a feminist... so why am I afraid that my dysphoria is actually misogyny?   How can I make this thought go away since it's not true?  Like... I'm afraid to tell some people that I'm trans, not because of their reaction, but because I am afraid they'll think I hate women.  I don't want this fear... I don't even want it to be a thought any more.  I just want to be okay with who I am. 

How can being FTM equate to being misogynistic?

I love women. I love the female form...just not on me.

It doesn't, and I know that... I just have this stupid voice in the back of my head.  I think it thinks it's its duty to judge me as harshly as possible before anyone else can or something.  I think that voice is what keeps me from doing what I want more often than not.  I just don't know how to stop listening to it and letting it get me down. 

Nyri, have you been reading our banned blogger?  I understand what you mean though, like some people think that if you want to transition then that means you want to use being male to your advantage to get past the glass ceiling, or you want to exercise male privilege to put women down, etc. I do sometimes ask myself if I want to transition to get around discrimination against women/sexism. I think the only way to get around that fear is just to take your time and think it through or talk with someone, but you shouldn't be afraid what someone else is going to say or think about your choices. Just be happy being you.

I can actually somewhat understand what you mean.  Of all the things I've done I've always had quite a feminist approach to it.  Like I wasn't going to let the fact that I'm a girl stop me from [insert task].  So sometimes I feel that by transitioning away from that it's almost like saying "Nah, it's too tough being a female, I'm gonna go the easy route."

However, I know this isn't what I'm doing, it's just that I'm sure others will have that idea.  If I was happy with my body then everything else would be fine about being a woman.  I have a good job, I'm successful, I feel equal to my peers despite being in a more male dominated industry.  But I'm not fine being a woman and lord knows I've tried.

So yeah, I get your worries here and I feel that it can be perceived this way but I know that's just rubbish and in this day and age, in the first world, it's kinda crazy to think of becoming male just to get ahead or because you dislike or find yourself feeling above women.  If that was someone's reason for wanting to transition, it's kinda silly.  Transitioning should be because of how you feel inside, and one can still be male and a feminist, there's no rules against that, in fact it's encouraged!

To me feminism is 'equality for ALL' and has nothing to do with the female gender. To me it's termed feminism because women were the ones pushing equality for ALL.

Do I hate women? No. I do, however, distrust women, for years I was ashamed of being a woman and having to be associated by proxy with women that are disgraceful and disgusting, and I'm relieved to finally be rid of that. I fully expect that I'll feel the same about men as I become move involved in that gender dynamic.

I'm a pessimistic jerk and I always will be. I like that about myself because it means that I will never be used and abused again. If that makes me misogynistic oh well. As long as I'm not openly attacking women like I've been attacked by women I don't see the harm in it.

My best friend is a woman; I work with mostly women;  I used to think I was a women; I was active in the women's rights movement; my girl friend is a woman, etc. etc. I am just not one.
I don't fear or distrust women.

Yeah sounds like you could have read the certain banned blogger(s). Being trans has NOTHING whatsoever to do with disliking or hating women.

--Jay

Nyri, I don't know whether this counts or not, and whether this will help or not, but back in high school I seriously did think that my MtF transsexual tendencies very well might just be misandry... I seriously hated the male gender and everything to do with it, and I often did think that the whole reason that I wanted to transition wasn't necessarily because I wanted to be female so much, it was more because I hated being a guy so much.

So yeah... different side of it, of course, but same kind of thing.

I don't know if for you it's also based in gender-specific behavior or not, but for me it was because I hated male behavior... hated the forced lack of emotion, hated the way they teased each other as a means of social interaction, hated how tough they always tried to act, hated the "bro" type of behavior and the lack of close intimate friendships, and I seriously did just blame the entirety of the male gender for this.

Turns out, though, it really wasn't misandry. It was just because I hated being expected to participate in those same behaviors myself, and hated being mentally grouped in with them when other people looked at me. Which really had nothing to do with me hating the male gender, it just had to do with me personally hating being forced to be a part of it. Again, nothing to do with hatred of actual men, just a hatred of being misgendered into being one of them, because I'd later discover that I identified as female.

Hope that helps.

Thank you everyone for helping me get past that little voice. 

Learnedhand and Jack:  the easy rout is exactly the thing I've been afraid I was taking, but I'd really love to be cis right now (male or female) because being trans* really isn't easy (although so far my experience hasn't been as hard as I was anticipating).  I would love to be comfortable in my female body, enough to blow myths about women out of the water, but I'm not.  My depression has lifted so much since I came to terms with being trans... but my stress level has also skyrocketed.  It means having to learn a whole new etiquette, coming out to people that I could possibly lose over it, and saying goodbye to my body that I've become accustomed to over the years... while I don't love it, it is familiar, and I find it attractive to look at if I imagine I'm someone else looking at it... 

Carrie, I actually can relate to that a lot, although I do think people who identify as any gender can adopt any behavior pattern whether it traditionally belongs to that gender or not.  I don't hate the female gender at all, but I felt like I did as a kid because it was something I couldn't escape... I felt extremely ashamed when I was forced into bras and being expected to like girly things, but I didn't think badly of girls I saw who enjoyed those things.  I hated being forced into a dress, but didn't have a second thought about it if I saw someone else in a dress... while all that is true, I do believe that another FAAB person could have a similar experience to me and still identify as a woman... I think another MAAB person who went through the same things as you could still identify as a man... and they wouldn't be any less woman or man for it, yet here you and I are crossing paths because we just weren't on the right one, apparently. 

So yeah... to sum it up, I really don't believe I'm misogynistic... and while reading what you all wrote, and while coming up with my responses, I was able to kick the voice under the rug.  It will probably be back for another reason, but I've been able to build up enough confidence and defenses for it here to where it won't be able to get me for this, now.  Thank you for making it happen!

Quote from: Nyri on May 07, 2013, 02:54:59 AM
So yeah... to sum it up, I really don't believe I'm misogynistic... and while reading what you all wrote, and while coming up with my responses, I was able to kick the voice under the rug.  It will probably be back for another reason, but I've been able to build up enough confidence and defenses for it here to where it won't be able to get me for this, now.  Thank you for making it happen!

That next time, please remember - that voice in Your head - it is not actually You . It is Your mind playing games with itself and creating the state of anxiety for You. But Your true inner self and Your mind are actually two different things, which we in our ignorance have accustomed to treat as one.

A lot of times I have felt this way myself, so I understand what you mean. On days when I get out of the shower and think my body is absolutely disgusting and wrong, it's not because I hate the female body, it's because I hate seeing MYSELF in a female body. Both men and women are beautiful. On a cis-gendered woman, the breasts compliment the female form and it is beautiful. However, on a transman, it is wildly inappropriate and unfavorable. It is all based on perspective.

Quote from: Sammy on May 07, 2013, 03:08:20 AM
That next time, please remember - that voice in Your head - it is not actually You . It is Your mind playing games with itself and creating the state of anxiety for You. But Your true inner self and Your mind are actually two different things, which we in our ignorance have accustomed to treat as one.

It is, but it is the part of me that doesn't want me to be happy.  It's depression and anxiety.  It doesn't always tell the truth, but uses tiny fragments of truth to try to make me hate myself completely.  Since I've actually come out and since I actually have something I want to do with my life now, and since I don't believe I'm worthless any more, there isn't much left for it to grab onto.  I've gotten past the voice before, and that's all I needed to do now.  Once I can get it on one subject, that subject doesn't come back up unless I get really bad.  Yes, it is part of my mind, but it is getting better, I think.

Quote from: Nyri on May 07, 2013, 04:10:00 AM
  It is, but it is the part of me that doesn't want me to be happy.  It's depression and anxiety.  It doesn't always tell the truth, but uses tiny fragments of truth to try to make me hate myself completely. 

May I suggest You to pick a book by E.Tolle "The Power of Now"? You will be surprised about many findings there, including why Your mind always picks up those fragments which will cause to feel bad or resent Yourself.

Thanks, you may certainly make a suggestion like that.  I will check it out.

It's a wierd puzzle,
in most sociaty's women are seen lower than men, so it's harder to be a woman than a man,
yet transgender are seen below cisgenders so its harder to be a transgender than a woman,
I don't know if its the easy way, in a way it is, because for me no matter how much rights I would fell it harder to be a woman, it just gives me dyshoria even if people are friendly and everything I just feel disconnected and not happy.
-
I belive its normal many transgender folks get alot of questions and doubt putted on them, sooner or later they also questionate those rumours and doubts even when they for the person seams very out of contect of what you might feel to be true. "are im really just gay" "are I just wierd" "did I really not try hard enough"

all those things. maybe your felling those,