Thanks, just thought I would clarify that, and I don't have any criticism for those that forge ahead leaving all the commitments in the dust, everyone is different and the desires that drive us may be too compelling to resist. So to be clear, there is no condemnation coming from this old gal.

Shantel (and all),

Thanks for the replies and encouragement. You give me hope.

I think my issue is mostly that my own gender discomfort is not really debilitating. I've learned how to function as a man, and could continue doing so. But the better me is hidden. Letting her out would be disruptive. The path of least resistance is certainly to not cross that threshold.

But if I'm true to myself, I go forward into transition, not knowing what will come, just sensing that it is right for me despite the disruption.

I, too, have loved ones who will be affected, including two small children. Sometimes transition feels like putting my own needs ahead of theirs. Other times it feels like I need to do it in order to be the best parent and spouse that I can be.

From you all, I'm hearing that 50 isn't too late to start (as long as expectations stay reasonable). And I'm hearing the same from my gender therapist.

But I struggle.

Lora

Quote from: translora on May 06, 2013, 12:01:46 PM
Shantel (and all),

Thanks for the replies and encouragement. You give me hope.

I think my issue is mostly that my own gender discomfort is not really debilitating. I've learned how to function as a man, and could continue doing so. But the better me is hidden. Letting her out would be disruptive. The path of least resistance is certainly to not cross that threshold.

But if I'm true to myself, I go forward into transition, not knowing what will come, just sensing that it is right for me despite the disruption.

I, too, have loved ones who will be affected, including two small children. Sometimes transition feels like putting my own needs ahead of theirs. Other times it feels like I need to do it in order to be the best parent and spouse that I can be.

From you all, I'm hearing that 50 isn't too late to start (as long as expectations stay reasonable). And I'm hearing the same from my gender therapist.

But I struggle.

Lora

Take it slowly at first, incremental change makes it easy for people to adjust and assimilate what is happening without adverse reactions, ask George Orwell he had it pegged.

Here. Let me show you a picture:



That's me at a pretty young age. Looking at some of the other photos of me at that age, I don't know why I never thought that I was trans until just recently.

Oh, wait. Yes I do. It was the 70s.

I've always had thoughts. But I've always also rationalized those thoughts away and denied the feelings that I had. Why? Because I never really fit the traditional trans narrative, plus a whole host of other self-image issues. It wasn't until this January did I finally come to the realization of who I really was. I envy all of you who knew at such a young age, with your whole life ahead of you to live as who you are. As for me, I've got 30 years of regrets to live with. 

Transitioning later in life is fine. I know I really didn't do anything about it myself until just before I turned 41 even though I knew I wanted it since I was little. The inquiries I made into it back in the eighties went nowhere, I didn't have a lot of money and lived too far from most places that dealt with it. I figure I still have a bit of life left to live even after 50, so may as well be happier and able to live with myself.

Quote from: Renee on May 05, 2013, 04:28:35 PM
Aww, thank you. Now how much did Shan and Jamie pay you to post that?    

Pfffffft   

A few months ago!!! 

I haven't started any transition but I finally am starting to accept my trans feelings as true feelings and it feels GREAT!!

oh im almost 19!

My first memory of trans was when  I was 4. I asked my baby-sitter to paint my nails. They were gorgeous. Then my brothers saw them. I was hit and teased till I cried, that was like adding blood to the water. I hid until I was 8, and made the mistake of asking my mother if she would still love me if I had a 'sex-change' (It was the 70's). I didn't talk about it after that. Then, I did something I truly regret. I started to believe that something 'bad' was wrong with me and I had to purge and suppress these feelings. A few years (30), a loving wife, and 2 kids I wouldn't trade the world for later, and here I am. I have tried, I have failed. Now I'm finally doing something for me.

Christy.

I have strong memories of wanting to be a girl in my preteens, but I didn't come to terms with my true feelings until I was 55. This is after two marriages, two kids and two grandkids.

When my Dad passed away a couple of years ago, I cried more than I did in my whole life. I just couldn't stop, and it started a kind of slow-motion emotional landslide. All kinds of surprising memories and other feelings bubbled to the surface, at the most inconvenient times, and it just kind of washed away the last of my resistance.

Still, I felt like a pretender, and was terrified that this was yet another huge mistake I was going to regret.

Now, after two months of HRT, and crying buckets nearly every day for the last two weeks, I am finally starting to feel right. I actually feel more like "myself" after being really emotional. 

Before HRT, I never would have imagined that to feel better, I needed to feel more. Of everything, apparently.

I'm a lot like you Zoe, it just got stronger and  harder to ignore overtime.

My transgender identification started in my late teens, 18 was the first time I really started to crossdress and play out female sexual fantasies.

Over the years, I would purge a few times, each time it got harder as I wanted to be fem for longer and more sustained periods. I was in pretty serious denial always trying to convince myself that I didn't want to transition when I knew I wanted to be a woman. I clung onto a miserable relationship I had with a girl at the time, hoping it could get me through and I could be happy.

The final realisation and eventually coming to terms with it came at 23 when she broke up with me, I didn't  have that crutch anymore. Took a few months after that till I was 24 before I finally realised I wanted to transition and I had wanted to for a while. It was actually a youtube clip of a lovely normal transgirl which made me realise.. "I want to be a normal and beautiful girl like her". Before that I didn't know anything about trans stuff, once I started to research it, I realised not only was it possible but also not as difficult as I thought (medically). I wanted to get on HRT but it still took me a few months before I saw a therapist and got on HRT and I'm 25 now.

There was also hints/signs that I wasn't normal but it never really clicked.. I started to get really depressed/anxious after puberty, never really felt comfortable in my own skin but never knew why, always wore androgynous clothing and wanted to grow my hair long. I guess i subconsciously didn't want to present as male. That awareness is not always there for everyone at a young age, it takes time sometimes and it's not that uncommon. There is some evidence that it has to do with how white matter in the brain matures up to 20 to 30 years old, the feminized portion emerges later in some.

So for me it was a gradual realisation over many years.

For me, it took lots of self reflection and several failed relationships with genetic females to come to the conclusion about my transsexual nature. Each time I dwell on the past, my feelings toward my personal femininity get stronger and stronger. I am excited about upcoming meeting with a gender specialist to discuss these feelings in greater depth.   

Not really sure anymore.  I dressed in my sister's clothes when I was young (and nobody was around).  Those memories go back to around 5 or 6 yrs. old.  Ended up going into the military and eventually getting married, all in an effort to live as a man.  Big mistake that I deeply regret.  Anyway, I've never come to terms with who I am, feeling that it is too late to break away.  Rather depressing to think about it.  I'm so happy for all those here that went with their true selves.

Quote from: Katherine on May 11, 2013, 04:49:07 PM
Not really sure anymore.  I dressed in my sister's clothes when I was young (and nobody was around).  Those memories go back to around 5 or 6 yrs. old.  Ended up going into the military and eventually getting married, all in an effort to live as a man.  Big mistake that I deeply regret.  Anyway, I've never come to terms with who I am, feeling that it is too late to break away.  Rather depressing to think about it.  I'm so happy for all those here that went with their true selves.

Several here have done the exact same including myself and are late bloomers, so you're not alone Katherine.

These narratives are as heartbreaking as anything I've ever read, and as hopeful as anything too. It's also incredible how well written and thought out every single story is. I was one of those 3 year olds who knew and told my parents when my dad made my mom keep me out of her makeup and jewelry at 4 that I was in the wrong body. This was in 1958. Being a people pleaser and a very intelligent kid I channeled myself into sports. I was one of those strong, skinny wiry kids who could play any sport and do it fearlessly. I remember my dad used to have Playboys around the house and looking at the photos at 8 and knowing I was in the wrong body. In 1964 there was a movie named "Goodbye Charlie" and the plot was about a guy shot by his wife who falls out of the boat she kills him in and is rescued as a beautiful blonde woman. It was in Playboy magazine and I remember praying for months to wake up as a girl. At 12, my mom recently told me that I crawled onto her lap one night, told her I was meant to be a girl and started crying. I knew without a doubt at 14 and went to the local library for a month straight, checking out a reference book on transsexuality, telling the librarian I was doing a paper on it. After the month she no longer let me see it. A longtime friend told me in 2010 he remembered me as being full of rage when I played sports from 12 to 15. It was the rage of being born a boy. I told my parents at 16, but my mom knew I was getting into her clothes and makeup. They sent me to a psychiatrist, who had my hormones checked. Shock of shocks, I had too much estrogen and too little testosterone. I could go on and on, but to make a depressing story finally turn, I tried to commit suicide on July 12th, 2011, taking 60 methadone pills and a twelve pack of beer. This was my third serious suicide attempt, and I felt I'd finally run out of options. I decided to either try to transition or use a gun the next time and thankfully, I took the former instead of the latter. I'm 20 months into living my life as a woman and I can honestly say it's the first time I've ever really been happy. If you know you're transsexual, Zoe, I don't think you can be happy without becoming who you really are. And like the other girls/women have said, we all have different stories and timelines on when we knew. Don't let not knowing at 3 dissuade you or stop you. In my experience, knowing at a very young age only increased my depression. Good luck, girl, you can do this! Hugs, Mira

Miranda,
      You are so right about this thread and your story is equally as emotionally moving as the others all of which have a similar ring to them. We are not alone here are we dear? Early on we all feel that we are so alone and no-one could possibly understand what we are about. I had that same sense of despair come over me years ago and spent the entire hot summer night on a chaise lounge in my back yard pouring a fifth of vodka down my throat. I loaded my .45 auto and stuck it in my mouth, but it wouldn't fire. I awoke with dried vomit all over myself, got cleaned up and went to work as if nothing had happened. I had thought how selfish my thought of suicide had been and how horrifying it would have been to my loved ones to fine my brains scattered all over the yard. I sought counseling after that and have never looked back.

I think my realization was just slow and steady and always there. Why I didn't like doing all the things other boys did. Why I would always rather be the princess instead of the prince in fairytales and so on. Never played football in shool and would much rather have been in the skirt with pom poms. And then... the worst thing to ever do. Hiding and subdueing the feelings for 20 someodd years. It only gets worst over time. Now life is way more complicated and more difficult to open up and giving into my true self and sharing that with others. Even though I might not have known what it was being really young it was always there in one way or another.

This is my second transition and the last...I am fully understanding
And accepting of what I am now..

My first time I did have some guilt and shame issues over it. 
I never really had a support network when I was younger. 

So st Least I have the experience from a prior transition ..
Its going so smooth for me...just racing hair removal now lol

I was not aware of the word transsexual until I was 12 years old when I came across one of my mother's medical journals. I bookmarked it as a potential future option. I really did not want to be a transsexual. I struck it off as a perversion or some sort of perverse narcissism, as described in one psychology book.

But before I knew the word, I always knew I was different. In kindergarten, aged 5 years, I explained to one of my best friends that I wanted to be a girl, and was baffled that he didn't have a similar sentiment. Anyway, these feelings were persistent and never went away, always a backdrop to every thought.

Genitals never came into the picture really. I wasn't too aware of them. I just thought girls had smooth skin where boys had a dangly bit. That's what I wanted, to be smooth.

Anyway, fast forward to my early twenties, when I got my first fulltime job, and I got a computer with internet. Bam, all the information was within my grasp and nothing could stop me. Within months I was on HRT and over the course of a couple of years I slowly and inexorably transitioned. But I hadn't come to terms with being transsexual. In fact, it took more than a decade to come to terms with it and I even still struggle with it now, hence why I am only now going to have SRS. So I took HRT and then dealt with the self-hatred later .

Well, the thing is, probably since I was about 12, but I didn't know it. I spent many, many years thinking a) I just like girls clothes; b) doing manly stuff would prove I wasn't a girl and c) the love of a good woman would cure me.
Over those years I have dressed, purged, done it again, purged before realising what really mattered - I didn't just want to dress, I wanted to be.
I have confessed, but the reaction is, well, it's just a fantasy or sex game. But it isn't. I want to be me.

I have come to see one thing in myself since I've transitioned, am now coming close to physically matching the emotionally female Miranda for two years and SRS is within sight. I'm finally and truly at peace most of the time and happy, and it has brought a real empathy with others, no matter if their burden is physical or mental. With that I realize I was in so much constant physical, mental, and spiritual anguish I couldn't empathize with others, no matter what I believed at the time. And I thought I was a very caring soul. I've considered myself born again for more than thirty five years, but the God I pray to now is far different than the one I cowered under and slaved for a salvation I never believed I would receive. I loathed myself while thinking I was under the condemnation of being transsexual. My heart bursts for all of you women who haven't yet been able to decide if transition is the only real option you have if you're really transsexual, because I know for most of, if not all of you, transition is the only way you'll find happiness in this life and on this planet. And isn't that what we're all trying to find, peace and happiness? God bless us all, we deserve it, along with constant compassion and love. Miranda