Last night I nearly came out to wife as transsexual.
We were having a blazing row on the way back from a doctors appointment where I had to attend for treatment for anxiety / stress / depression.
My wife looked at me and asked me what was wrong with me? I was literally on the cusp of blurting out that I want to be a woman.
In reply to one of my previous posts; someone raised the question of how I would feel about living out the rest of my life as a woman, and seeing my body become feminine through hormones and surgery? I've thought about this, and the word "relief" springs to mind.
I've been thinking that now would be a good age to make any transition, as I am still fairly young, at 32. My body is not overly masculine and I don't really have any physical health problems.
What I am scared of is the short term.
I am scared of the reaction of my wife, family, friends and colleagues. I feel guilty about causing emotional pain to them.
I know rejection by some is a real possibility. I suppose that is the price for being honest with yourself.
I've got my next therapist appointment on Wednesday, and I am building myself up to raising my gender issues.
Is it a good idea to come out to my wife before I raise the gender issues with my therapist?
I was up half of last night thinking about my gender issues and worrying.
I am feeling very alone at the moment in regards to this these issues. I don't know anyone who has been through what I am going through now. I've never knowingly met another transsexual person. I've got no one to discuss things with other than my therapist.

Be careful with when and how you tell her. I would imagine she won't be happy you kept such a big part if you a secrecy from her. She might even feel hurt

I'm glad to hear that you didn't tell her in the heat of an argument, but I think you do need to talk to her about it when both of you are calm and collected. Only you will know when the time is right to tell her. I widh you well in this.

I came out to my wife of 12 years about 2 months ago now, after several months of therapy. It was rough, and the first couple of weeks sucked bad. She actually moved out for a bit. It's still not good, and neither of us know where this will end. She is my best friend, and I would like to believe I am hers. She is attracted to alpha males, and until a couple of months ago, that was the role I played well.  She is definitely not into women, and has said it is nothing personal - she has supported my transition, and even encouraged me to do laser and go to a gender clinic to discuss HRT. However, she does not want to be married to a woman, is in no way a lesbian, and has been up front that she thinks she will leave if I transition beyond cross dressing (which moves her boundaries pretty far) and minor body changes.

I came out in a really controlled setting, with the help of my therapist, and with a ton of support materials on hand. It still went about as bad as you can imagine.  My gentle wife, who has never said an unkind word to me, started dropping f-bombs and got very violent.  It reflected the hurt and deep pain she was feeling (and still feels to some degree).

I wouldn't change coming out, and I feel more at ease with myself now than ever in my entire life. In a lot of ways, though, life has become a lot more complicated. Work is a challenge now, as I have to balance appearance. My wife is probably going to leave me. I have had mixed reactions from friends, and been outed to a professional colleague. Big changes, and I have barely begun any transition.

I offer this not to dissuade or persuade you of anything. I only want to share that in my experience coming out removed a lot of the "noise" and energy swirling in my head, and has allowed me to think more clearly than ever. However, it has come with an immense cost of pain to myself and others, a host of personal and professional uncertainty, and a future that is just as cloudy. Talk to your therapist before coming out is my advice. Get some books and resources lined up for your wife. Look at some of the guides online here - they are very helpful. Be prepared to be outed to others -- your wife may run out the door in tears and tell her friends because she will need her own support, as mine did -- and they will tell others. And go slow.

Good luck. This is not easy, I know.  You are not alone.

Toni

QuoteWe were having a blazing row on the way back from a doctors appointment where I had to attend for treatment for anxiety / stress / depression.
My wife looked at me and asked me what was wrong with me?

So the two of you were arguing about "what is wrong with you"? As if depression, stress, and anxiety wasn't enough?

Sounds like she needs an education on mental and emotional health, before trying to talk to her about your being trans...and if she's not willing to get educated, it's best, not matter what else the cost may be, to send her on her way.

Imho

I definitely would not tell her in the middle of a blazing argument! That's a bad time to drop shocking news in any case (understatement). It does seem like if you're sure that this is what you want, though, you should tell her before you start down that path. The more steps you take before she finds out, the more likely it is that she'll feel betrayed and lied to.

(I told my wife about a week after I figured it out for myself. I was scared to death, and we definitely had a rough few months adjusting, but we are still happily married 4 years later. I hope you're as fortunate.)

I assumed my wife was lesbian ( married 20 years)
-supports gay everything,
-had lesbian room mates,
-had gay male friend growing up,
-ultra liberal,
-not religious and a bit feminest.

I was wrong.

I assumed I would get some support for the hell my life had been and is.

I was wrong.

I had a plan and rehearsed it with th etherapist.

My wife was upset for weeks and called me names I had called myself for many years. The one that hurt most was deviate. Lots of emotion and f balms. I am "responsible for her happiness" and how was I going to make things right.


I left things alone for 2 weeks then told her I now see myself as a woman when we have sex. Hold on for dear life. It has been 3 weeks and time to talk HRT and I am not looking forward to this.

I am very glad that you didn't tell her in the middle of an argument.  This is a big thing and you will need to discuss this with her in a calm and understanding manner. This will likely be incredibly hard for her and as her partner you need to be very sensitive to this fact. 

As for when to come out, I think you should do it as soon as possible.  Believe me, I understand the fear associated with coming out.  However, you really need to tell your wife soon because she is your life partner.  Whatever you decide to do will have a big impact on her life as well.  The relationship you have with her is very different from other ones you may have.  It really is crucial that you tell her.  It will be difficult and there are no guarantees that she will accept it, but if this is the path you are moving down, you need to let her know. 

If you want to wait for your appointment, please be sure to ask your therapist about this and learn their take on your situation. 

Good luck and hope all goes well

If you really know how she'll react (From years of reading stories about coming out that seems all but impossible), then by all means tell her all about it at once, and ASAP. If, on the other hand you're really worried about it and have a lot to lose, it might help to soften the blow a little if you introduced her to the idea gradually - leave subtle hints and become less subtle after you find out how she feels about it.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on May 06, 2013, 07:11:05 PM
So the two of you were arguing about "what is wrong with you"? As if depression, stress, and anxiety wasn't enough?

Sounds like she needs an education on mental and emotional health, before trying to talk to her about your being trans...and if she's not willing to get educated, it's best, not matter what else the cost may be, to send her on her way.

Imho

And what if the MTF husband causes the wife to suffer from depression, stress and anxiety by coming out and going into transition?
Should the MTF need an education on mental and emotional health then?
Or to send the MTF on her way?

Yours is a horrible, cold, hard reaction.

I would not tell her until I talked to the therapist maybe a few more times. I am in the same boat as you, stress, anxiety, depression and so on. My problem is that I haven't told the therapist yet but am slowly working toward it. I have no idea how my wife would handle it but getting to the point of no return eventually and let whatever happens happen. I also find that the woman inside is becoming more and more brazen. I used to dress occasionally, shave occasionally, never plucked my eybrows other than keeping them neat. But now the constant stress and depression is seems to be allowing the woman to be out more and constantly. Now I shave everyday, tan when the sunshines in bikini bottoms, have more feminine eyebrows, losing wieght pretty fast. Don't chicken out like me with the therapist, because she/he can guide you on how best to handle the situation with your wife. And she/he may want to see both of you to find a somewhat happy middle.

I think I told you that already, but most worries about reactions to coming-outs don't become reality.

While it would be painful to hide it, it would also be painful for her when she comes to know the truth.

The thing about the truth is that sooner or later it comes to the front, the only thing in our control is how or when we tell if we get a chance to tell before the truth is revealed by someone or something else.

The longer you hide it - the more it's going to prolong things and make things difficult. She could be really worried and concerned about you the person she cares about and by not revealing that part of yourself you are denying her and yourself the chance to know whether or not the marriage that you have is one that can last as well as knowing if the person who you are married to could love you for who really are as well as the chance for her to know and love the real you.

While I understand it can be really very difficult and scary to tell the woman who has married you or wanted you as the "Man" in her life - and that telling her will raise some tough questions for her too. I really doubt that it would be wise not tell her.

Whether you transition and if your marriage holds together would be upto the two of you and your own decisions. You would need to decide what is important.

I really hope that whatever you decide it works out for the best... Please let keep us posted on what you decide and how things go.

::hugs::

I still think delyth needs to talk to the therapist first and then both of them can figure out the best and easiest way to break the news to her. Chances are the therapist has dealt with transgendered and thier spouses before or the therepist can refer delyth to another one that specializes in transgenders.

Quote from: A on May 07, 2013, 10:40:57 AM
I think I told you that already, but most worries about reactions to coming-outs don't become reality.

As for that statement A, usually it is correct but in my case it's not. I'm just about ready to leave my wife now because of some of the things that she says. I'm getting closer and closer to leaving her now because the urge to stop existing in the shadows is becoming too strong. But hey, life goes on and we all need some level of happiness.

Well, I did say most, not all. Not that it fixes anything, whatever I say. :/

If you are 100 percent sure you are going to transition, you should tell her asap. You should prob tell her regardless, but far be it from me to tell others how to live. You're both young so you both can move on if that is what she wants. A lot of it depends on how she perceives you. Are you masculine? Does she depend on you a lot? If so, she probably won't want to be married to a woman. Most people perceive me as pretty feminine so I don't think people are really surprised. Not everyone knows, but i dress pretty andro-femme so the def know something and people act like it's the most natural thing in the world. So that's going to be a big part of it: perception.

I would hope you would talk to your therapist first about your GID before talking with your spouse.  From what you posted It seems your spouse is a bit impatient on your current progress with  'issues' alone so it would be prudent to  addressed your GID with the therapist and hopefully get some better bearings for yourself.  It very well may help with what you have been dealing with in therapy and better prepare you for what happens  when you decide to tell her, which I get the feeling will be like setting off a Daisy chain string.  As others have said you may very well start getting flak from all angles if she does not take to it well and runs for support.   All scenarios, well as many as you can think of, need to be taken into account and your response to them, your therapist may be able to help with that aspect, given some time.   In the end its your choice, sometimes you have to risk everything in order to gain everything but you have to be willing to accept the losses that may come as well.    All actions have consequences good and bad.  There is no 'reset button' with this; your playing for keeps with more then one life in a balance.   I wish you the best and offer a saying that sometimes is very usefull to remind one of 'the bigger picture that is life' .... "slow is steady, steady is fast."