So... I've been with Hubby for 18 years, and we've been married for 16 of those. He knew from the start that I'm not feminine but it wasn't until last year that I finally decided I couldn't keep pretending to be female and I had no choice but to transition for my own sanity. Sadly, he's both homophobic and transphobic, so he's told me that our romantic relationship will have to end if & when I transition. However, he did say that we would always have a relationship of some sort and we both agreed that we would share the parenting of our kids.

But then he went & told his family everything I'd told him in confidence, so they all know about my transition. His parents are of that generation that is (generally) extremely intolerant of LGBT issues. They've also always had Hubby firmly under their thumb. Because of this, I was banned from their house last Xmas even though I hadn't actually done anything wrong. They insisted that Hubby take the kids to their house to get their presents on Xmas morning, but I wouldn't be welcome. That caused massive upset in our house because Hubby actually let them get away with that. I told him he needed to stand up for our family for once in his life, and tell his folks that they can either welcome our entire family on Xmas morning (or come round ours, I'm not particular) or they can see just him & the kids on Boxing Day. But Xmas day is a family day and we won't have our family split up on that day.

But he wouldn't hear of it because he knew it would upset his mother, which would anger his father - and Mummy's Boy doesn't want to upset Mummy, does he? But he's perfectly OK with upsetting me. So he took the kids to his folks on Xmas morning, leaving me alone at home. And whilst it made me want to scream in anguish & block the doorway when he decided to do so, I had to keep it together so as not to upset the children. Because really, Xmas is for the kids, isn't it? Pity his folks can't see that. That was the day I permanently removed my wedding ring because he'd proven once & for all where his loyalty lies.

So move forward to this past weekend: on Saturday our house phone rang for ages when I was at home alone, and I didn't pick it up - because the in-laws often ring on the house phone to speak to Hubby, and I felt awkward and anxious about the possibility of answering the phone to them. The horrible thing is: I pay for that phone; why should I be scared about who might call on it, like somehow I don't have a right to use it?

Then on Sunday I went to the supermarket because I'd decided we were going to have our first braai (BBQ) of the season. This is a very important thing for a South African so I was really looking forward to getting some lekker meat to chuck on the braai. So I park my car & start walking towards the supermarket, and who do I see walking towards me? My in-laws. So I diverted and went a different way, just to avoid them. Ugh.

So yesterday I sat down with Hubby and told him about the phone on Saturday and the supermarket on Sunday. I told him I shouldn't have to feel the need to not answer my own darn phone, or to scurry away like a cockroach at the supermarket, all because his parents' childish behaviour is causing weirdness within our family. He said he didn't know what the solution is: so I said that I told him what the solution is last December but I knew he wouldn't do it because he's a Mummy's Boy. I have a few other solutions in mind as well, like telling his folks that they're not welcome to call us on our home phone and that if they want to see our family we only come as a unit. But that's not going to work: firstly, I don't want to stoop to their level of petty childishness; and secondly, it'll just cause further upset for our kids, which is the last thing I want. And of course thirdly, if Hubby has never stood up for me before, he sure isn't going to start now.

I've kept quiet in the past whenever his parents have misbehaved, because family unity is very important to me. But I don't think I have anything left to lose any more. I don't need to keep his parents sweet because they're not a part of my life any more. Why should I feel the need to hide, as if I have something to be ashamed of? How can I stop Hubby from treating our family so badly? Any brilliant ideas for how I can resolve this?

First of all, a hug from me. It's a tough situation. Give yourself credit for bearing up under very difficult circumstances.

The situation between you and your husband seem very similar to mine (with the genders reversed.) Not the family part (there's no family left to speak of on either side), but that my wife told me that intimacy was over when she found out I was trans.

Now our marriage is over, and I should have take that as a warning shot across the bow. Just as a roof becomes unsteady when someone takes out the supports holding it up, a marriage teeters when intimacy and commitment start ebbing.

I need to be honest with you: Your husband does not seem committed to your marriage. In my opinion, your next step is to protect yourself and your connection with your kids.

I might be totally off base because I haven't met you or your family and I'm answering based only on the text of your post, but this is the best answer I can give.

Thanks Suzi... and a great big hug right back atcha. It seems to me that in some cases, "for better or for worse" really means "for as long as I'm getting everything I want out of you."

I agree that Hubby doesn't seem committed. He never really has; everything was peachy until I announced I wanted to take some time off work after the birth of our first child. I'm the main breadwinner so if I were to take time off that would mean that he'd have to pull his weight financially. He wasn't prepared to do that - even for a couple of months - so he & his family heaped enormous pressure on me to go back to work when I was not at all ready to do so. Now that child is almost 16 years old and he still isn't pulling his weight.

I'm in a position of weakness because he's proven he's quite happy to stomp all over my feelings, but my whole focus has always been the emotional, mental, physical, educational and financial wellbeing of our kids. So he's taking advantage of my desire to give them as good a childhood as possible.

When I spoke to him last night he said he wanted some time to 'think about it' which pretty much means he hopes I'm just going to forget about it so he doesn't need to tackle anything. But I will approach him again tonight.

I'd like to start with a couple of questions back to when you got married to your husband.

Prior to getting married to your husband, did you kidnap him? At the ceremony was he there next to you tied up, bound and gagged? Were you holding a double barrelled shotgun in his face?

Or did he turn up and take part of his own choosing and free will?

But you know life doesn't always turn out the way you want it, and - surprise surprise - people sometimes turn out to different to who you thought they were at the start.

I often feel that we need to stop tiptoeing around on eggshells just because someone is transphobic or homophobic.

To my father I was worse than a paedophile and rapist. He was also racist and incensed that my mother betrayed him for a Pakistani. Even though he remarried every year of the 23 years of his second marriage were stained with the anger and hatred of his bigotry and the past until he eventually died a long, slow prolonged death from COPD and an aneurysm. His anger and hatred even took precedence over his need to breathe.

Granted that it may spell the end of a romantic or sexual relationship. We all have our preferences. But just because someone is gay or trans does not diminish them as a parent, nor should it adversely affect the family unit.

Being homophobic or transphobic is not a terminal illness. It is an issue and all it takes to resolve that issue is effort. Throughout the world there are cisgendered heterosexuals supporting gays and trans folk. Homophobia and transphobia are issues which generally exist not because the person can't overcome them, but because the person won't overcome them.

I think you're doing the right thing by putting all your emphasis on the kids and their childhood. It might not pay off now, but the kids are your future and one day when they think back they will remember.

With Hubby you just need to be persistent.

Water isn't particularly strong. But it erodes rock and creates gorges like the Grand Canyon through its persistence.

Just keep on at him, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and there'll come a point when he'll do something about it.

Thanks Stella - some sage advice there. I'm sorry to hear your father became so embittered - my Dad did something similar and my Mum never recovered from her bitterness either. You've given me a couple of  things to think about... particularly about homo/transphobia being due to the person being unwilling to overcome them.

My relationship with the in-laws is in the past. My relationship with Hubby is evolving beyond repair. But everybody needs to be a grown-up so that the kids can have a meaningful relationship with us all.

You know, really society is so F'd up when it comes to trangenderism. Maybe if it was more "acceptable" we wouldn't have to hide, we could be who we are and ramantically search for that accordingly. M2F and F2M could search each other out, have children then transition while the children are too young to remember and still they would have a momy and a daddy. Or even if just hormone replacement for the couple to feel right. But no, we are taboo according to society so that we have to hide our true selves and end up making mistakes fooling ourselves that we can function "normally" whatever normal maybe. Which really doesn't work. I'm really starting to think that there is no normal, just people fooling themselves at what normal may be.

Me personally, I wish my wife wanted to be F2M and I could openly express feminity. That my friends would be a dream come true.

*sympathy* The problem is, as you already know, that nothing can change unless and until your husband does... or until the marriage disintegrates. If he won't put you first, you may have to make hard decisions to protect yourself; you can't make him cooperate or pull his own weight or make you a priority, so all you can affect is your own choices.

My wife was very intimidated by her family for her entire life, and almost never stood up to them. But when they pitched a giant transphobic fit and threatened to disown her if she stood by me, she never spoke to them again. The thing is, *I* couldn't make her do that; I couldn't have forced her to change her priorities if she'd refused. Your husband, horribly, is making it clear where he stands, and it's not next to you. I'm so sorry.

Hi,

my hugs and sympathy.

Sadly I cannot see anyway that this will end well. Your priority may be to protect you and your children, from your post, mummy and daddy will support their son in anyway they can to keep you out of the picture and he is happy with that. I would def be having conversations with a lawyer about the situation in order to lay the ground work and not being king hit by hubby and the in laws. They sound as if they could be that nasty and suddenly you could find hubby and children living with the in laws and the house sold from under you.

Of course I hope that never happens but being fore armed can be very useful and gives you confidence and strength. I have no idea of the access laws etc in South Africa, I would make sure you know them inside out, and preferably with the help of a professional.

I very much doubt that hubby will change, he has nothing to gain or lose by changing but he can make your life miserable as he is now and I suspect he may be deliberately be doing so. Remember if he and in-laws push you to walk out, they 'win' everything and they don't seem to care about the impact on the kids.

Hugs

Cindy

Thanks for the support, everyone. I know I'm pretty much up the creek without a paddle here... I just have to try to minimise my losses and make things as easy as possible for the kids.

Last night I thought back to what my mother did when she divorced my Dad. He'd had an affair with some floozy in his office and Mum found out about it, so she sued him for divorce. But because she still loved him & wanted what was best for her kids, she went easy on him in the Court. So he went away with the proceeds of their house, and we went from a comfortable, middle-class lifestyle to eking out a pitiful existence in a succession of rented houses & flats. I swore to myself that I'd never make the same mistake... but I can see myself doing something similar, if I'm not careful. My desire to make this as easy as possible for the kids could mean that I don't fight my corner as viciously as I ought to.

Oh, and I did confront him about this last night. I asked whether he'd had a think about this yet; he said no, because he has lots of other things to think about too. I was not impressed. I told him that this is important: his folks are causing friction within our family and this is unacceptable. I told him I want it stopped... and then I let him know that I'm very angry that he's treating me like an irrelevance.

I think Cindy's right. I think I need to get the lawyers in. If only Hubby were pulling his weight financially, I might even be able to afford to do that.

Quote
"If only Hubby were pulling his weight financially, I might even be able to afford to do that. "

Can you afford not too?

C

Almost all of my money goes towards paying our household bills so I have practically nothing left over. Hubby makes a tiny contribution towards the household; a fraction of what I pay. I've gone to him before with the figures and told him that I expect him to pay exactly 50% of our joint household expenses... but he keeps trying to avoid the issue. If he were paying that 50% I would be able to afford lawyer fees.

I've even given him deadlines: say, by payday this month I will only pay 50% of the bills money into our joint account; you need to put the other 50% in or our bills won't be paid. He just won't do it.

Huh. I'm sounding a bit whiny. But having our house repossessed or having the lights turned off (or whatever) would harm our kids so I just keep stupidly paying the darn bills, to give them a stable home.

Ftmdiaries,

Wow, this is a rough situation, I'm sorry you and your kids are having to deal with this. I agree yhou shouldn't have to put up with your in laws but inadvertently you will because they are a part of the kids lives. I applaud you for taking the higher road over xmas and letting the kids go to your inlaws, I think I would have had to put my foot down and said to hubby, you can go but the kids are staying for our family xmas...but this was a very mature step from you. You sound like you. Really want the best for your kids and are definitely trying to provide a stabile home for them. However, my thought for what it's worth is this: financially, you tell your husband he has to make 50% of the bills by 'x' date; then he doesn't do it. Well, uh, I hate to say this, but you are enabling him, WHY would he do it? When he hasn't met the deadline in the past, there have been no reprocussions for him, so he feels like he can get away with it and you won't take any action. I know you want to provide your kids with a stabile home, if it were me; i'd either file for divorce and make him move out (since you're paying the bulk of the bills). Or i'd take the kids and move elsewhere and make him have to pay the household bills or lose the home. In my opinion he's acting like a teenager, and not having a lot of adult responsibility because he's not being forced to, he KNOWS you will end up 'saving the day'. As far as his parents...oh my gosh, yeah, I was married to one of those 'momma's boys', it was a lost cause for me, because no matter what I and our son ALWAYS took a backseat to my ex's parents and his siblings. I'm wishing you luck & hoping things will turn out well for you and the kids.

Your husband is treating you like a doormat. He wants you when he wants you to pay the bills, but when it comes to Christmas- a family time - he thinks its fine to leave you on your own. That isn't fair. He can't pick you up and drop you when he pleases, so please don't let him get away with it. Like spring said, the more you let him get away with it, the more he'll do it. I understand you want the best for your kids, that's what any decent parent wants. I admire you for putting your kids first. Kids are resilient. When they're old enough to understand the world (because let's face it, at the moment they're probably stroppy kids who blame their parents for everything) they will realise how hard you worked for them. It will be hard for them, I'm not denying that, but it has to be done. I know this isn't the best advice, but I'm here for you and I really hope things improve for you, you deserve it.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on May 08, 2013, 05:17:53 AM
So he went away with the proceeds of their house, and we went from a comfortable, middle-class lifestyle to eking out a pitiful existence in a succession of rented houses & flats. I swore to myself that I'd never make the same mistake..

I think this is where you're making the mistake to be honest.

Kids are okay with poverty. Let's face it, one way or another the vast majority of kids in the world grow up in poverty or experiencing some kind of hardship.

Some of them grow up this way because their parents divorce or split up. Again it's the kids who survive, despite what their parents put them through. However together with the poverty kids remember things like sacrifice, especially the sacrifices one parent makes to make sure that they grow up loved, supported and cared about.

Those are the memories we all treasure as adults. Doesn't matter whether it was a parent, a relative, a teacher, or a family friend, we all remember someone who cared about us and loved us when we were children.

I would give Hubby a deadline and stick to it, and if he doesn't forewarn all the people who you pay bills to and have financial commitments with, just in case you need that sort of support.

Sometimes words isn't enough to get a reaction. When it isn't your only other option is action.

Hugs,

When things happen make sure the kids know it is not their fault and they are secure and you love them.

You situation is dificult and being prepaired is essential. He may at this moment be prepairing for a divorce. If things occure and he has prepaired you will be at a significant disadvantage. Does you local LGBTQI center have Lawyers? Perhaps then work on a sliding scale. They may advise how to shield assets. Does the house have equity? Is it in both names? What would happen if you had a buyer lined up and a reasonable offer was tended? Would a court order be needed to execute the transaction without his signiture. Jount accounts, credit cards and pentions all big issues, not to mention custody.

Thanks peeps. I have an update: I spoke to him about it again a couple of days ago, and it didn't go well at all.

I ought to mention that he had a stroke a couple of years ago which has damaged parts of his brain, and I'm convinced that he's suffered some frontal lobe damage because he's completely lost his ability to empathise with anyone. It doesn't seem to register with him when somebody else is upset or when his behaviour might be harmful to other people. I think that's why he treats me so callously: he was never like that before his brain injury, but it doesn't help at all that he's like that now.

We discussed Xmas again during our latest 'chat', and once again he seemed to have absolutely no concept of why I might be upset at being split from my children on such a pivotal day. I asked him to think how he would feel if our roles are reversed and he'd told me how important it was that we be together on that day: again, he didn't seem to comprehend why I might object. He stared at me blankly when I asked him how I might respond if he'd come to me in tears about being separated from the family. I just don't think he's capable of thinking empathetically any more.

So I've been consulting legal resources whenever I've had a spare moment. But unfortunately I had a migraine over the weekend so we weren't able to resolve anything.

@Cynthia Michelle: we're in the UK, so we don't have anything as sophisticated as an LGBTQI centre or easy access to lawyers, sadly. We don't have that sort of provisioning in my neck of the woods. We're also married in community of property, so everything is jointly owned.   Our best bet is to come to an amicable arrangement, but with his inability to empathise I have my doubts that this will even be possible. 

  Firstly I want to say how Im sorry to hear of the situation you are in.
Like others have said, I agree that it sounds like youre being very mature and are obviously putting your children first, as you should, and as the rest of the adults in the family should!
   Your husband does not sound like he is doing that, he may care, but he seems to be just taking the easy route of allowing things to be good for him between his parents and not have to deal with the difficulties of supporting you through this. While going through transition is an extremely difficult thing for someone to go through (especially with a lack of support) its also true that it isnt exactly easy for those close to that person either. That isnt to excuse his behaviour AT ALL, but it seems in his attitude to the situation, he is simply taking the easy way out and forgetting how you feel, in the process.
   Is there any way that you could try to get the in-laws to see things from your perspective abit? It was unfair for your husband to tell them, and tell them from his own point of view, maybe it could help to try to get them to see your side, gain abit of understanding?

You also need to be firm with your husband in the fact that he needs to stand by you, as someone who he has agreed to keep in his life, atleast for the sake of your children, he needs to treat you as someone who deserves the effort, which includes standing up for you against his parents.

And the money situation sounds ridiculous on his part, he needs to pay supporting you and his family more than he is doing now. Providing a stable environment should not be left to one parent when both are present.

Anyway, I hope things start to go better for you

P.s I hope your Braii was lekker! :p Ive only been to South Africa once, but I was amazed by how social, welcoming and enjoyable a "bring and braii" was with locals

Hiya FTM Diaries.

You're making excuses for your hubbies behaviour just like I used to with my ex, sooner or later it will all blow up in your face.
You need to start making plans for this, considering things you've told me in PM's I would say that you need to be the one who cares for your kids until they are ready to move out on their own.
I believe that because of his transphobic attitude he will try to turn your girls against you, this will backfire sooner or later but it will cause them countless problems before they see the truth. I've been through a divorce with my parents trying to score points & turn me against the other, it took years for me to see the truth & left me with certain issues.

I know my advice isn't going to make your decisions any easier but your choices are limited, put up with things until they come to a head or force the issue so things happen on your terms.
Considering you're the breadwinner & more emotionaly stable you are the ideal person to take care of your girls, maybe as he's such a mummies boy he should move in with his parents until he learns to take responsibility for his words & actions.

i think the best thing you can do for your kids right no is to protect yourself and make your kids your priority to the degree that you can just kick out your husband if he can't be a good bread winner or house husband. if your husband hasn't changed at all in the time you've been married, i doubt he will now. not all personality traits can be fixed by throwing a tantrum. and you really need to start thinking about divorce, possibly also finding a new place to live.

read up on all the legal matters so that you know exactly how to get out of it with your kids and at least your 50% of all your assets. shouldn't be too hard to get your kids with you since you're the bread winner and have more emotional awareness. it can be argued from your husband's side that all is your fault for suddenly wanting a sex change, or however he'll phrase it, but he's been more than unreasonable enough for a divorce for years by not pulling his weight. "kidnapping" your children at christmas isn't too good a thing to do either when pretending to be a married couple. i wonder how your kids took it when he did that, wasn't it upsetting for them to not have you with them?

start defending yourself, instead of someone who hasn't done very much more than fathering your children. being prepared is very important when things start getting bad like this. don't let your husband be the first one to get a lawyer when he realizes you're about to split up. it will be hard for the kids, but probably better than living in a broken home. they know something is wrong, better to be as honest as you can without painting the other parent blacker than they see him.