I have recently been having lot's of issues with bullying and my anger at school with being trans. The children at my school are absolutely terrible. On a good day, they just call me 'it', but on bad days, they ask me disquieting, female-oriented sexual questions regarding my genitals and refer to me by female pronouns. My grandmother knows this and transports me to and from school. It should be noted that she is also very supportive of me, refers to me by male pronouns and my chosen name, and even offered me her girdle to use as a binder. However, one day in the car, she said to me, "Why don't you just act like a girl until you can get out of school and get all the necessary procedures? It would be a lot easier and you would have less conflicts." This comment angered me slightly as I had felt as if I was "acting like a girl" for the vast majority of my life. I really don't think she meant anything wrong by this, but it still depressed me. What do you guys think about this comment she made? Do you think it was transphobic or ignorant? Do you think that she's right?

I try to see the best in other people, so to me it seems like she noticed you're suffering in school because you're living as a guy... and maybe she thought that it would be easier for you to pretend to be a girl for a while longer until you could get somewhere where you can be stealth and have to deal with less prejudice. 

I'm obviously not in her head, so I can't tell you for sure.  I don't think she was ill meaning.  She may be right that it would be easier, but you're not on the easy path either way, so it is all up to you.  Maybe you could let her know that when she said that it bothered you, and tell her why and she won't do it again. 

She's obviously just worried about you fitting in/being safe and is trying to help in any way she can. She thinks that would be a good way to fob off any hatred you are receiving, even if it's not the easiest way to be. Obviously, you're not going to want to do what she suggested. But she is just trying to help, and to show her concern. People are so quick to cry transphobia, but this just sounds like an old lady doing her best to understand the situation and offer support in some way. You should feel glad to have a good grandmother.

Sounds like she has been pretty supportive so far, so I think she meant well. Like the previous poster said, she saw you suffering from the insults and offered that as a solution. Is it a good one? That's upto you. It can be hard to go back to living as a girl when you aren't a girl. But it could be short term solution, depending on how long you still need to attend school.

But it does mean she's thinking about you, and along with you, offering solutions. It's a good sign.

Quote from: tvc15 on May 07, 2013, 04:46:45 AM
She's obviously just worried about you fitting in/being safe and is trying to help in any way she can. She thinks that would be a good way to fob off any hatred you are receiving, even if it's not the easiest way to be. Obviously, you're not going to want to do what she suggested. But she is just trying to help, and to show her concern. People are so quick to cry transphobia, but this just sounds like an old lady doing her best to understand the situation and offer support in some way. You should feel glad to have a good grandmother.

Maybe transphobia is a bit too harsh a word. And I do love and appreciate my grandmother dearly.

First off I'm sorry that you're going through these issues at school.

It's also worth bearing in mind that we all have our own individual reality and also perceive and feel things differently. I'm trans but I haven't got a clue what it feels like to be FtM, nor am I able to use anything other than imagination to put myself in your shoes.

Therefore while the cisgendered can be supportive and try to be understanding you just have to accept that they don't share our reality and there may be times when their advice or help is misguided even when it comes with the best of intentions.

I don't feel that this is being transphobic. It's just hard for some cisgendered to get their heads round the finer nuances of what it means to be trans and how the actions of others can impact on our lives, our feelings and our thinking. I feel that your grandmother feels distressed at you suffering and being bullied and was just trying to find a way of making it easier.

Perhaps more support should be coming from the school authorities? School is meant to be a place of learning, not somewhere where you get to harrass other people in your community.

Hm, you do pose a good point. It has always been my opinion that the vast majority of conflict and dissonance in this world spawns from different people having different perspectives and not fully understanding each other. As for the school authorities, unfortunately my father has been telling them that they need to support me more, but to no avail. Only one teacher at my school has really tried to do anything about the bullying.

Quote from: LocustBlotter on May 07, 2013, 05:36:36 AM
As for the school authorities, unfortunately my father has been telling them that they need to support me more, but to no avail. Only one teacher at my school has really tried to do anything about the bullying.

Okay, so your grandmother isn't transphobic, but it seems that your school most certainly is. Bullying isn't exactly a laissez faire issue, it's an issue which needs to be dealt with, and if it isn't dealt with then it is supported and encouraged.

School is not meant to be a place of anarchy and lawlessness, because it sends out all the wrong messages to kids and wrecks childhoods. You carry your experiences from childhood throughout your entire life.

I would therefore feel that something needs to be done to put the school under pressure to tackle the bullying which I feel is the far bigger issue.

Quote from: StellaB on May 07, 2013, 06:09:15 AM
Okay, so your grandmother isn't transphobic, but it seems that your school most certainly is. Bullying isn't exactly a laissez faire issue, it's an issue which needs to be dealt with, and if it isn't dealt with then it is supported and encouraged.

School is not meant to be a place of anarchy and lawlessness, because it sends out all the wrong messages to kids and wrecks childhoods. You carry your experiences from childhood throughout your entire life.

I would therefore feel that something needs to be done to put the school under pressure to tackle the bullying which I feel is the far bigger issue.

I agree, however my school doesn't think it's transphobic. Apparently it's "policy" to refer to me as my legal name and SAAB until I make "legal" changes. When kids at my school call me by my birth name to aggravate me, the school authorities just say "That's not considered bullying because they are just referring to you by your actual name."   

Since she is very supportive of you, I belive that she has your best interests at heart. There's reallly no reason to be upset about her saying it.

Kids can be cruel, we all know that. They are cruel to anyone that they percieve not to be "normal". If that word even has a true meaning. I think you have a tremendous amount of courage even if you don't think so. Going against the mainstream thought of "normal" is never easy.

She loves you and is worried about how the kids are treating you, that's all.

My grandmother would call me an abomination...so yeah, count your blessings, lol.

I'd say she doesn't understand more than it would be transphobic, since she is supportive in many other ways. Sounds like she wants your life to be easier but doesn't understand that it would not necessarily be easier.

--Jay

I also agree that it's probably not that she's being transphobic, but rather just wants to see her grandchild happy and not getting bullied.  The older generations don't tend to 'get' things properly in my experience, even when they're otherwise sound of mind.  If she's being supportive in every other way then be grateful, and remember that she's doing her best to make you happy.  I don't think I'll ever be able to come out to my paternal-grandparents because my grandfather is so homophobic he'll turn the TV off if there's a gay couple on here, but although he frustrates me sometimes he's still the one who mostly brought me up and never tried to get me to fit into gender roles as he was doing so.

Just a bit of a warning if something did ever possess you to take her advice, don't expect things to just go back to normal at school if you revert to 'girl mode'.  If anything I could imagine it making things worse if they decide that you just wanted attention, or if they think they've won.

Quote from: AlexanderC on May 07, 2013, 07:54:28 PM


Just a bit of a warning if something did ever possess you to take her advice, don't expect things to just go back to normal at school if you revert to 'girl mode'.  If anything I could imagine it making things worse if they decide that you just wanted attention, or if they think they've won.

I agree with that assessment. I think she watches the VERY transphobic kids bullying her grandson and it upsets her. Natural really.
I don't agree that the teachers could not call you by your name. I've come up with several kids who will prefer to be called another name (for various reasons). The teachers do their best in most cases.  There is not to, at least try. There's a genderqueer kid (I think) in one of my classes that I go in and out of. They have a very masculine name and the teachers (and kids) all call them by his preferred name, which is gender neutral.

--Jay

It sounds to me like she's just worried about you and is trying to help. I've gotten similar advice from people who're well meaning but ignorant. When I said I was thinking about getting top surgery to a friend [who wasnt aware of trans issues] she listened well but told me I should keep my breasts because many men and women find women without breasts unattractive when looking for lovers.

So the whole "Why don't you just live with it" advice isn't transphobic per se but it is insensitive and pointless.

Like most others have said, I don't believe she's trying to be mean.  Honestly, my grandparents would go mental if they found out about me, so I have no intention of telling them and for the sake of not being struck off inheritance I'm gonna let them think I'm still female until they die and I get rich.  I'm not sadistic, they're just evil, but rich, SOBs and it's my Dad that tells me to just keep them happy until the eejits (they're his parents) pop off and we can get their riches!  Lol.  I never see them now as I live in another country.  At best I might phone them once a year or send a letter but they'd never really know otherwise.  I already get mistaken for my brother on the phone anyway .  So first off, you're lucky that they understand and accept you as you have a really good foundation to build on here . 

I can understand where they're coming from and from someone who's not trans this may seem like a natural and easy way to avoid bullying.  They don't want to see you hurt and they're trying to find a way around it until you can maybe go somewhere as a boy straight off the bat. 

If it worries you, maybe just talk to them.  It sounds like they're supportive of you and your transition and maybe just saying to them that acting like a girl isn't something you can do and it upsets you would clear everything up.  Maybe just bring up how her words actually stung a little and you just want her to know that you are who you are and to act like a girl would be akin to asking a non trans boy to act like a girl.  Ask her how she would feel if as of tomorrow she had to dress as a man and act like a man when she's out in public for just one week? That might help her understand how difficult it is for you to do the same thing and act like the gender you're not.  It's nothing but an act and it feels entirely wrong, and it would drive anyone insane after a short while.  It's kinda like those gay kids who go into 'Pray The Gay Away' camps and end up in therapy for the damage it's caused as they try to be something they're not.  If they want a healthy grandson, he can't be required to act like the opposite gender for the sake of his sanity whether it helps with bullying or not, and frankly, any change now isn't going to make any difference because you've already come out, going back would be too obvious that you're acting to avoid bullying and only fuel the bullies more.  They'll start highlighting and commenting on every girly thing you try to do or wear.  You want to be yourself and not acting.  Everyone who was born with the right parts get this by birth right, you're already having to ask for that right, and that's a hard enough challenge without the bullying. 

If you approached it in a way where you just wanted to have a chat and discuss it further I think you could end up having a good conversation and clearing up some things.  Just avoid going into it in a way that sounds like you're berating her for what she said, more just letting her know her grandson better.  In fact maybe even drop in that you've already forgiven her for what she said, and you don't want her to feel bad, but you would like for her to know why just acting like a girl isn't an option.  Perhaps by the time the chat is over she'll understand you even better and that can only be a good thing. 

Also, it helps to remember that this stuff isn't easily understood by older generations, and even if they are aware, they usually better know about MTF than FTM so they're going to make mistakes without realising they are mistakes.  When I first started kinda hinting to my parents in my teens (I'm not out to them yet) they would say things like they understood why guys would transition because guys can't exactly act girly without it being a complete gender reversal, whereas girls can get away with wearing pants and wear guys, or what are termed "unisex" these days, tshirts and it's considered normal, so why would a girl need to transition to a guy when they can essentially just wear unisex clothes and get by.  So it could well be possible that your grandmother actually harvests this same view and maybe they just need to know better that you can't be unisex/androgynous, you are beyond that; you're a boy.  To give another example, I used to be a home carer and I'd hear old people talk about "coloured people" or "Pakis".  It was all entirely innocent; they didn't realise they were being offensive at all!  So with the generation gap and changes with the time and acceptability, they sometimes just need to be pointed in the right direction on how to act or better understand.